Abdullah stared at his phone for a long time before typing.
"Can I talk?"
Sara replied almost instantly.
"Yeah, what's up?"
His fingers hovered over the keyboard. He was still shaky. Still hurt.
"My grandmother died."
"Oh my God. Are you alright?"
"No. My first grandma died and now I have to lose another one. Like, for fuck's sake, why does this have to happen? And my mom… she kept everything from me."
"How was she keeping stuff from you?"
"She said she was trying to protect me, but she made it worse. She knew they got sick and she just didn't tell me the truth. If I had known what to expect, maybe I could've at least mentally prepared. How could she not tell me?"
"She should've told you." sara replied.
"Have you ever lost someone close to you?" Abdullah asked
"Not really. I mean, my grandpa died before I was born. But at least you got to spend the time you did with her."
"I know. It just hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with it."
There was a pause before she replied.
"I don't know. Music usually helps. Just try to distract yourself."
"I guess I'll try. Goodbye, Sara."
He turned off his phone.
The tightness in his chest loosened, just a little. Not gone — but softer. Later that night, as he scrolled mindlessly through his phone, a song filled the silence.
Two lines hit him harder than anything else:
I don't need the comfort of any lies.
Oh, back when I was younger…
For the first time all day, his mind slowed down.
He fell asleep with the song looping in his ears.
The next morning at school, he ran into Erop.
They talked for a while before Erop asked, "Do you read manga?"
"Nah. I've never read it. What's the point?"
"Sometimes it's better than the anime. You should definitely read Berserk."
"What's it about?"
Erop shrugged. "It's about this guy who goes on adventures and stuff. He's a swordsman. Just a regular, family-friendly manga."
Abdullah raised an eyebrow. "Alright. I might check it out."
Later, in art class, Abdullah sat beside Nadeem. He sketched without really thinking, lines forming on paper while his mind drifted somewhere else.
Nadeem handed him an earbud.
"You wanna listen?"
"Okay."
Rap music filled his ears again. Halfway through, Nadeem nudged him.
"Got any recommendations?"
"Notion. By The Rare Occasions."
They switched songs. Halfway through, Nadeem glanced at him.
"Are you depressed?"
Abdullah blinked. "No. Why are you asking?"
"Because it's a sad song."
Abdullah frowned. He didn't understand. It didn't feel sad to him. He didn't argue. Nadeem switched back to his rap.
At home, Abdullah messaged Sara.
"some guy at my school was saying Notion is a sad song. How is it even sad?"
"It's not even that sad. And even if it is, what's wrong with that? I like listening to that type of stuff."
"What do you like to listen to?" Abdullah asked
"Lil Peep. All his songs. Here's one."
Abdullah listened.
His face twisted slightly.
"Why is the first song you send me just him talking about killing himself?"
"Oh. My bad. Here's another one. I think you'll like this one more."
He listened again. It was different. Less shocking. Still heavy.
Over the next few days, Abdullah started reading manga. He couldn't watch videos and listen to music at the same time, so he'd read while music played in the background. He added more songs to his playlist. Some sounded like Notion. Some didn't.
Most days blurred together.
Wake up.School.Go home.Eat.Do nothing.Sleep.Repeat.
But he liked the routine. It felt safe.
One evening, while they were talking about music again, Sara casually said:
"You know Lil Peep killed himself."
Abdullah paused.
"Why would he do that?"
"You don't know what he was going through. He could've had a lot of difficulties."
"Yeah, but what's the point in killing yourself? It's such a waste of a life. No matter how bad it gets, why end it when it could always get better?"
"Yeah, but how do you know it'll ever get better?"
Abdullah hesitated.
"I don't know about Lil Peep. But you have your family. Imagine how they'd feel if anything ever happened to you."
"What if you can't rely on your family? What if you can't rely on anyone?"
"You can always rely on your parents. You can always rely on your mom. She birthed you. You'll never meet someone who cares about you more than your mother i know from personal experience."
Silence.
Then—
"SHUT UP. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. How am I supposed to rely on my family when they don't give a fuck about mental health? They'd treat me like a freak. You don't know what people like us go through."
A cold feeling spread through Abdullah's chest.
"What do you mean people like us? You and Lil Peep?"
"Just drop it. Forget I said anything."
His hands were shaking now.
"Sara… do you want to kill yourself?"
"I said drop it. What difference does it make to you?"
"Why? Why would you do that? Don't. There's no point. It's not worth it. If you get thoughts like that, you can ask for help."
His voice trembled even through text.
"No, I can't. I can't tell anyone. Oh my God, I told you to drop it. If you tell your family, they're going to tell my mom. If you tell anyone, I swear I'll actually do something."
Abdullah froze looking at his screen.
"Okay. I won't tell anyone. Just please don't do anything to yourself."
Inside his head, one thought screamed:
I can't lose someone again.
There was a long pause.
Then—
"Yeah. Alright. I won't do anything, okay?"
He exhaled slowly.
"Alright. I'll leave you alone."
That night, Abdullah lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
He replayed every message. Every word.
He wanted to help.
But he barely knew how to hold himself together.
One thought echoed over and over in his head:
I have to find a way.
I have to find a way to—
HELP...