Brother, sister,
If you are struggling with desire, with pornography, with habits you hide in the dark of the night—know this first: You are not alone. You are not beyond repair.
For over 15 years, I lived in that same cycle. Promises made at dawn, broken by midnight. Regret in the heart, weakness in the hands.
I need to be honest with you about how I finally stopped. It was not due to my strength, my discipline, or my intelligence. I did not succeed because of "NoFap" communities, self-improvement books, psychology videos, or hobbies. I tried all of that. For years, I tried to occupy my mind, but nothing held.
The solution was something simple, yet it is the path we most often ignore.
The change began when I finally acknowledged my absolute weakness.
One night, before sleeping, I stopped making excuses. I sincerely prayed to Allah, not with confidence, but with exhaustion. I said: "O Allah, I want to stop, but I can't. I am weak. Please, help me. Bring me back to You."
I wasn't even praying my daily Salat regularly at that time; I had been disconnected for so long. But Allah is Al-Mujib (The Responder).
From that night on, something miraculous happened. Without setting alarms or forcing myself, I began waking up at 2:00, 3:00, or 4:00 AM.
Sometimes I would wake up hearing beautiful Quran recitations echoing in my dreams. I realized this was Allah's call. The last third of the night is sacred; it is when Allah descends to the lowest heaven in a way befitting His Majesty, asking, "Who is asking for forgiveness, that I may forgive him?"
I started praying and reading Quran in those quiet hours. It wasn't just reading; it was emotional surgery. The words felt like arrows piercing my heart. They tore open my chest, and the guilt poured out in thick tears and silent cries.
As Allah guided my heart, He also guided my actions. I realized I had to be ruthless with my environment.
Spiritual Cleansing (Ruqya): I learned that my struggle wasn't just physical. I performed Ruqya Shari'ah (spiritual exorcism) because I had been afflicted by the whispers of a "Lover Jinn" (a spiritual entity) that fueled these lustful thoughts.
The Lie of Marriage: I used to lie to myself, thinking, "If I just find a good girl on a dating app, it will motivate me to stop looking at other women." This was a delusion. Thankfully, I received no attention on those apps (perhaps because I am not conventionally handsome), and I now see that rejection as a protection from Allah.
Deleting Social Media: I realized Instagram and dating apps were filled with soft pornography and triggers. I forced myself to delete them. You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick.
The thing that kept me clean for 6 months was a daily routine of remembrance (Wird). My most powerful weapon was the repetition of:
"La ilaha illa Allah" (There is no deity but Allah).
I would repeat this while imagining myself dead, my soul leaving my body. This visualization kept me grounded. It reminded me that the pleasure of the sin is short, but the consequences are eternal.
I want to be transparent about why I fell after 6 months of purity.
I started an e-commerce business. It took all my time. I became too busy for my Dhikr (remembrance). My spiritual armor thinned.
It was a slow slip: first reading explicit novels, then watching explicit anime, and finally, back to porn.
I tried to fast to do Takfir (expiation/purification)*, hoping the hunger would suppress the urge or wipe away the sin, but because my connection to Allah was weak, the fasting didn't work.
Note on Takfir/Fasting: Fasting is a shield, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) taught us. However, fasting without spiritual connection (Dhikr) is just starvation. The body was fasting, but the heart was still hungry for sin.
Even while I was relapsing, Allah blessed me with one saving grace: I never gave up on His mercy. Even after sinning, I would make Dua: "Allah, fix me."
Now, Alhamdulilah, I have stopped again. My current strategy—my secret weapon—is Repentance as breathing.
Throughout the day and night, with every breath in and out, I say:
"Astaghfirullah" (I seek forgiveness from Allah).
I say it with the specific intention of apologizing for every sin and every moment of disrespect in my past. This constant state of returning to Allah is what protects me now.
Final Words
If you are sincere about changing, Allah will guide you. It might not happen instantly, but if you admit your weakness and ask for His strength, He will not abandon you.
I have shortened a lot of my experience here. I am writing this late at night, but I felt the need to share it.
If you have any questions or want to know more about the specifics of the Ruqya, the routine, or the mindset, please ask in the comments.
The door you think is closed has never stopped being open.