I stared at the boy in front of me intently. He eyes are this sharp, unreal blue framed by thick, dark eyebrows. He has fair skin, sharp facial structure with a defined jawline. His hair is wavy, voluminous, and dark brown. The way his hair falls kind of messily should make him look softer, but it doesn't-it just makes him look more like... someone people would pay attention to. His intimidating, not because he's scary, but because he's too noticeable. Though how he looks is the least important thing right now. How I'm going to handle this situation is also the least important thing right now. This boy doesn't have it. He doesn't have those 'things' behind him. Why-no HOW does he not have it? Every single human being in this world has those 'things' behind them, so how does he not have it? Did he never commit any short of sin? Not even something as simple as lying? But that's impossible. As long as your human that HAS to be impossible. Then does that mean his not a human?
''Uhhh... miss? Should I call someone? Are you alright? Can you perhaps not speak?''
I snapped back into reality at that.
''I-I-I AM SO SORRY!! I WASN'T LOOKING WHERE I WAS GOING!''
With that I ran away from there. Leaving that boy visibly confused. I ran like I was being chased by a serial killer. I can't believe I was staring straight at him! The one thing that I hate the most. He definitely thought I was some weird person. I would've been so scared if someone stared at me without even saying a word. No-wait that's not important, there were none of those 'things' with him; I am still confused about that.
As I was thinking about the whys and hows I again didn't realize where it is that I'm going. It wasn't until I stopped for a moment because I was so out of breath, did it struck me that I didn't know where I was. And that... was my last straw.
I started to panic. My chest tightened as if an invisible hand had wrapped around my ribs. My hands were trembling uncontrollably. I was lost. All shorts off negative thoughts were forming in my mind. What if something happens? What if some stranger comes here and does something? Where is this place? Nobody is here. If some bad person comes here, there is no one around to help. No-even if there were someone would they help? Would a human being help out another human being? None of them helped 14 years ago, so why would they now? They were all bystanders, they all pretended like nothing was wrong, they all pretended like they were blind, like they were deaf.
I started to panic even more. My knees wobbled, threatening to give out, and for a moment I thought I'd just collapse. But then, Dr. Hans voice came echoing in my memory: Breathe. Count. Ground yourself.
I gave myself the hardest slap in the cheek. I shut my eyes tight. I need to snap out of it. Let's calm down. One.... two... three... breathe-in and breathe-out, breathe-in and breathe-out. Every things fine, it's all alright. Not every single person out there is out to hurt me. Every things fine... every things fine... every things fine... it's fine.
Shortly after, a nurse came up to me. Thank the heavens it was only after I calmed down. If she came when I was in that panicked state..... I don't even want to imagine it. I don't remember how I told her I was lost but she quietly showed me the way back to Dr. Hans chamber. The whole way there she didn't try to have small talk, she walked while keeping a distance from me.... A distance where I would feel safe. This nurse found out that I have anthropophobia during my last visit. She must be trying to make sure I feel safe... perhaps she would help if someone was in trouble.
I have been standing in front of Dr. Hans door for the past 10 minutes. So far I've left my precious home and walked between people and those 'things' for 20 minutes straight, then I talked to the Receptionist and bumped into a freaking STRANGER who I don't think is human; then I got lost and started panicking, and then another stranger (whom I met for the first time during my 3RD physical visit with Dr. Hans) came and led me to Dr. Hans chamber. I absolutely don't have any more energy to speak to another human being. I want to go home.
At that thought, a deep, exhausting sigh escaped from me. The thought of home is making every single part of my body want to run from there. For someone like me, the series of events that has happened till now is too much to handle. I'm tired. Both mentally and physically. But still, I have to have this session with him. I first met Dr. Hans in an online platform 3 years ago when I was looking for a Therapist. Since then, Dr. Hans has helped me overcome my fear of people toughly. He's the first person and currently the only one I truly am grateful for. Although he too is a subject of my fear since his a human too. But I think he as well would help someone in need.
I glanced at my hand watch. 11:32 am. I'm 2 minutes late. I wonder why there are so many things you need to force yourself to do even if you don't want to. While I am grateful to Dr. Hans, I sooo don't want to speak with him for 50 minutes right now. Why is life so hard?
Ignoring all the thoughts of just running away from there, I force myself to gently knock on the door. A deep, gravelly tone comes from within the metal door.
"Come in"
I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. This office has also become so familiar. For a few seconds I just admired the view of the office. The walls are painted in white. There is a window right opposite of the door, there are no tiles. The floor is wooden. There is a completely black table in front of the window with a matching chair. There is a sofa on the side where I will be siting and another sofa in front of me where Mr. Therapist will be siting; although there is a table and a chair I have never seen Dr. Hans using it. There are also very soft pillows on the sofa and a blanket along with some wall hangings, rugs and other soft textiles. There are trees all over the room; the whole room is very elegant and cozy at the same time. There is a bookshelf beside the table. I didn't really notice the bookshelf before, it's brownish black. It's filled with books and files.
"Why are you just standing there? Come sit down Fiona."
I slowly walked over to the sofa. Please, I hope he won't ask me to do some terrifying thing like striking up a conversion with a literal stranger again. Last time was already too much. As long as it's not that I can do anything.
If only I had known he would ask me to do something more terrifying then that, I would've never said that. And if I had known the terrifying thing he would ask me to do would be the start of my happiness and regret I would've willingly done it over and over again.