Kaelis Vanth was staring at his empty plate of "chicken wings." While they were delicious, a man cannot live on snacks alone. He missed the greasy, sodium-filled comfort of a late-night diner.
"System," Kaelis sighed, rubbing his stomach. "The lizard—I mean, Obsidian—is happy with the scraps, but I need some real food. Do we have a kitchen staff? I'm talking about a Master Chef. Someone who knows how to handle a grill."
[System Note: Host is seeking a 'Chef'. Ambition levels: Still buried under a pile of laundry.]
[System Strategy: This is it. I will summon Malphas, the Abyssal Sovereign of the Ninth Hell. He is the 'Chef of Souls'. His signature dish is 'The Breath of the End', which burns the soul of anyone who tastes it. Even Gods avoid his kitchen.]
[System Message: Master, I have found a 'failed cook' who was recently fired from a roadside diner for using too much spice. He is desperate for work and will cook for free just to have a kitchen.]
"Too much spice? That's my kind of guy," Kaelis's eyes lit up. "I love spicy food. As long as it doesn't give me heartburn, he's hired. Set up a kitchen in the south wing. Make it industrial grade."
[Location: The Ninth Hell — The Iron Kitchen]
Malphas was currently stir-frying the essence of a captured Archangel. The heat of his stove was fueled by the collective despair of a fallen dimension.
"More... I need more heat!" Malphas roared, his four arms moving with a blur of knives and ladles.
Suddenly, a white rift opened in his cauldron. Malphas, along with his favorite cleaver—the World-Splitter—was yanked into the void.
Malphas landed in a kitchen that made his Iron Kitchen look like a child's play-set. The stove was made of Neutron Star Ore. The knives were forged from Dimension-Shards.
He looked up and saw a young man leaning against the counter. Beside him stood the Progenitor of Vampires, the Queen of Elves, and the Saintess of Light.
"You..." Malphas's voice was a guttural growl. "You dare interrupt my masterpiece?"
"Hey," Kaelis waved. "You the spicy cook? Look, I'm starving. Can you whip up something... I don't know, like a spicy ramen? Use as much chili as you want. I have a high tolerance."
Malphas stared at Kaelis. He didn't see a human. He saw a Devouring Maw. Kaelis's presence was so vast that Malphas felt like a single peppercorn being dropped into a bottomless pot.
"He wants spice?" Malphas thought, a cruel grin spreading across his demonic face. "I will give him the 'Spice of the End'. I will use the Embers of a Dead Universe as seasoning. If he survives the first bite, I will acknowledge him as a Master."
Malphas went to work. He threw in Hellfire Peppers (which could melt adamantine) and Liquid Magma Broth. He seasoned it with the Dust of a Shattered Moon.
To Kaelis, it just looked like a very dark, very red bowl of noodles. "Smells great! Real kick to it."
Kaelis took a massive slurp.
Valerius and Elara stepped back, shielding their eyes. The steam rising from the bowl was literally eroding the space-time around it.
"Mmm!" Kaelis wiped his mouth, his face turning a healthy shade of pink. "Now that is spice! My nose is actually running. You're a genius, Malphas! This is way better than that diner stuff."
Malphas stood frozen. His cleaver fell from his hand, clattering against the floor.
"He... he slurped it?" Malphas's four eyes widened. "The 'Embers of a Dead Universe' should have turned his internal organs into a supernova. But he just said... it made his nose run?"
Malphas realized the truth. This wasn't a man. This was the True Hunger. The person who could consume reality itself and ask for seconds.
"Master..." Malphas fell to all four of his knees. "I have lived for an eternity seeking one who could appreciate my heat. I am but a humble line-cook in your presence. I shall dedicate my existence to finding a spice that can finally make you sweat!"
"That's the spirit!" Kaelis grinned, handing him the empty bowl. "Next time, maybe add an egg? And keep the 'spicy stuff' coming. I think I'm finally starting to wake up."
The System [Deception-9999] was now playing a "Critical Error" sound on loop.
[Warning: The Demon King has become a loyal short-order cook.]
[Warning: Host's stomach has the durability of a Black Hole.]
[System Note: This is getting ridiculous. I'm summoning a Hero next. Heroes are supposed to kill 'Evil Rulers', right?]
[Subordinate Meeting - South Wing Kitchen]
"Did you see?" Elara whispered to the others. "The Master just consumed a 'Universe-Grade Disaster' soup and only wiped his nose."
"His body is not of this world," Valerius agreed. "He is preparing us. He is feeding us these divine energies through the 'scraps' so we can survive the coming 'House Party' he mentioned."
"The House Party..." Seraphina trembled. "A gathering of Gods... where we shall be the waiters..."
"I must sharpen my scales," Obsidian growled from the dog house. "If I am to guard the Master's party, I must be ready to swallow galaxies."
Meanwhile, Kaelis was looking at his iPad. "System, this house is great, but we need a 'Garden.' Something with a nice lawn. Summon a 'Groundskeeper'. Maybe someone who likes flowers."
[Summoning: The Hero of the Holy Sword — Arthurian.]