Time itself seemed to freeze inside the Crystal Hall.
Not because of Queen Eira's ice magic—but because of the sheer tension as the Ancient Queen's face slowly drew closer to mine. Her pale yet alluring lips stopped just five centimeters from my nose. Her eyes were closed, waiting for a reunion kiss after a thousand years of longing.
Behind the transparent ice wall, Elena was smashing the barrier with her sword hilt while screaming silently. Her face was beet red—a mix of pure rage and panic. Seraphina covered Lila's eyes, while Lila tried to peek through the gaps between her fingers.
"Come, Darling…" Eira whispered, her breath cold like mint. "Give me your warmth."
Cold sweat ran down my back. My brain spun through a thousand scenarios.
If I rejected her—I'd become an ice statue.
If I kissed her—Elena would probably decapitate me later.
"System! Emergency help! Is there an item called 'Fake Lips' or something?!"
[System: None available. Just enjoy it. Not every loser like you gets kissed by an Ancient Queen.]
[Tip: Don't use your tongue. It'll stick like licking an ice pole.]
"DAMN IT, SYSTEM!"
Eira leaned in for the final approach. I closed my eyes in resignation and held my breath.
But just as our lips were about to meet, I felt movement at my waist.
No—not that kind of movement.
It was the black pan that had fainted on the floor earlier.
Suddenly, it leapt.
WHUSH!
Moving with reflexes rivaling a seasoned knight, the black pan shot upward and wedged itself perfectly between my face and Eira's.
SMOOCH.
The sound echoed clearly through the silent hall.
Eira didn't kiss my lips.
She kissed the bottom of the blackened, burnt pan—still smeared with soot and faintly reeking of yesterday's squid dish.
Silence.
The world stopped spinning for three full seconds.
Eira slowly opened her eyes.
Instead of the handsome face of "Astaroth," she was staring at a cold, filthy black metal surface. Her tongue registered a bitter taste of charcoal mixed with lingering Hell Oyster Sauce.
"…Hueegh."
Eira staggered back, clutching her mouth. Her beautiful face turned green.
"W-what is this?! It's bitter! Salty! And… why does it taste like garlic?!"
The pan hovered in the air, arms-akimbo (if it had arms), wiggling its handle left and right as if saying:
"Don't touch my master, homewrecker!"
"DAMN YOU, STUPID PAN!" Eira screamed. A burst of icy aura exploded from her body.
The emotional outburst shattered her concentration.
CRASH!
The ice wall separating us shattered into countless shards.
"RIAN!"
Elena shot forward like a silver bullet. She wasted no time—leaping in front of me and swinging her greatsword to block the wave of ice Eira unleashed in fury.
"Keep your frozen lips away from my cook!" Elena roared.
Eira glared murderously at Elena, then shifted her gaze to me—and to the pan now hiding behind my back.
"You…" Eira pointed at me with a trembling finger. "You are not Astaroth."
I peeked out from behind Elena's shoulder.
"I've been telling you this whole time, Auntie! I'm Rian! Astaroth's just… renting space!"
"Astaroth can't cook!" Eira screamed hysterically, frozen tears streaming down her cheeks.
"He is the God of Destruction! Everything he touches turns to dust—not into Oyster Sauce Squid! He doesn't even know the difference between salt and sugar! That pan's flavor… that's the taste of hard work! The taste of a cook's hands! That is NOT Astaroth's taste!"
I froze.
…So my cover was blown because Astaroth couldn't cook?
Turns out my cooking skill was more powerful than my combat stats.
Eira collapsed onto the icy floor. Her sobbing grew louder, forming a miniature blizzard inside the hall.
"He really isn't coming back… He's truly gone… Waaaaaah!"
Her cries were so heart-wrenching they made the palace ceiling tremble.
Elena lowered her sword, completely confused. The deadly enemy from moments ago was now crying like a heartbroken teenager. She turned to me.
"Rian. Do something. You made her cry."
"ME?! The pan kissed her, not me!"
"Same difference! It's YOUR pan! Comfort her or we're all getting buried under emotional snowfall!"
I let out a long sigh.
"Men really can't win, huh…"
I stepped past Elena and approached the wailing Ice Queen. I crouched in front of her and pulled out the only thing I thought might calm this situation.
A chocolate bar.
Well—technically, it wasn't ordinary chocolate. It was an item I'd pulled from a low-tier gacha last week:
"Apology Chocolate."
Description: Reduces female anger by 50%, but causes acne.
"Eira," I called gently.
She looked up, eyes red and swollen. "What?!"
"Eat this. Astaroth may be gone… but the soul inside me says he wants you to stop crying. Your makeup will run."
She hesitated, then took the chocolate and bit into it. Slowly, she chewed.
The sweetness—and the item's magic—began to take effect. Her sobbing softened. The blizzard in the hall gradually faded.
"…It's good," she muttered.
"Astaroth never gave me chocolate. He only gave me severed enemy heads."
"Yeah, that's a textbook toxic relationship," I said wisely.
"You deserve better. Like… hmm… that penguin at the harbor shop? He's rich."
Eira snorted and wiped her tears. She stood up, regaining her dignified posture—though her eyes were still puffy.
"Very well. I accept reality. You are not him. You are merely a pitiful vessel with decent cooking skills."
She returned to her throne.
"You came for the Second Seal, didn't you?"
"Yes, Your Majesty," Elena said, bowing respectfully as she switched back to professional mode.
"We detected instability."
Eira laughed bitterly and waved her hand. The ice throne slid aside, revealing what lay behind it.
Embedded in the wall was an ancient metal door, tightly sealed. But in the center…
There was a massive crack.
Patched with… duct tape?
No—on closer inspection, it was an extremely thick layer of magical ice shaped like a bandage.
"The seal broke ten years ago," Eira said casually.
"WHAT?!"
All of us shouted in unison.
"When Astaroth died in his previous life, the energy shock cracked this seal," Eira explained, munching the rest of the chocolate.
"What's sealed inside is The Eternal Hunger. If it gets loose, it will devour this entire continent."
"T-then… why hasn't it escaped yet?" Seraphina asked in horror.
"Because I froze it. I've been using my own energy to patch the crack for ten years," Eira replied.
"That's why I can't leave this palace. I didn't lock myself away just because of heartbreak—though that's part of it. I've been acting as the world's emergency tire patch."
I looked at Eira with newfound respect.
She wasn't just a crazy yandere queen.
She was a lonely hero holding back the apocalypse while being emotionally wrecked.
"But my energy is running out," Eira continued.
"I need a new 'battery.' Or someone who can fix the seal permanently."
Lila suddenly stepped forward, pulling a golden wrench from her bag.
"Miss Queen! I can see da stwucture! It's not bwoken-bwoken, just da 'hinge' is loose!"
Eira stared at the small girl. "Are you sure, child?"
"Yup! But I need super hot fire to melt da Mithril coating, then I hit it wif a hammer!"
All eyes turned toward me.
Or rather—toward my pan.
"Hot fire?" I asked.
"Your pan," Elena said.
"It absorbed green lightning yesterday. The energy's still stored, right?"
I lifted the black pan. The red eye on its bottom blinked.
[Pan Status: Battery 98% (Type: Spectral Electricity).]
[Mode: Electric Welding Available.]
"Alright," I said.
"Operation Patch-the-Pan—uh, Patch-the-Seal begins."
The process was utter chaos.
I held the pan as it fired electric laser beams from its handle (don't ask how), while Lila gleefully hammered the seal door with a giant mallet. Eira carefully regulated the temperature, and Elena…
Elena prayed fervently that we wouldn't blow up the continent.
One hour later—
CLICK.
A satisfying locking sound echoed.
The crack sealed perfectly, restoring the door as if it were brand new.
"Done!" Lila cheered.
"So easy! Turns out the guy who made this seal forgot to tighten the bolts!"
Eira stared at the door in disbelief. She touched it.
Solid. Stable. No more leaking evil energy.
"You… you actually fixed it. A ten-year problem solved in one hour by a cook and… a child?"
"Never underestimate teamwork," I said, wiping sweat off my brow.
Eira turned to us. A genuine smile—the first one—appeared on her face.
"Thank you. As a reward…"
She walked toward me. Elena immediately went on guard again.
"No kissing!" Elena warned.
"Relax," Eira chuckled. She took my right hand.
Specifically—the back of my hand.
She kissed it lightly.
A piercing cold seeped into my skin. When she pulled away, a blue snowflake-shaped mark was etched onto my hand.
[Ding! You obtained "Mark of the Ice Queen."]
[Effect: Ice Resistance +50%.]
[You may summon Eira's Blizzard once per day (Duration: 1 minute).]
[Additional Effect: Eira can track your location 24/7 (Yandere GPS Active).]
"GPS?!" I panicked internally.
"That is my gratitude," Eira whispered into my ear.
"If you meet other women on your journey… remember, I am watching. And if Astaroth inside you awakens and tries something funny… the mark will freeze your blood instantly. Consider it insurance."
I swallowed.
This felt less like a gift and more like a threat.
"Now go," Eira said, returning to her throne, visibly relaxed.
"The Third Seal lies in the Volcano of Ash. And its guardian… is far less friendly than I am. He truly hates Astaroth—over unpaid debts."
"DEBTS?!" I shouted.
"What kind of Demon King has debts?!"
"Gambling debts," Eira replied calmly.
"Safe travels!"
She snapped her fingers, and a blast of snow wind flung us out of the palace, sending us sliding down the icy mountain like a giant slide.
"WAAAAAAA!!!"
We landed in a pile of snow at the mountain's base. Elena stood up, brushing snow from her hair. She glanced at the mark on my hand and snorted.
"Yandere GPS, huh? Good. If you go missing, at least I'll know who to ask."
"Don't celebrate yet, Miss," I said, shivering (even with ice resistance, psychological trauma still applied).
"Our next stop is a volcano. From refrigerator to oven."
Lila popped out of the snow.
"A volcano? Yay! We can roast marshmallows!"
Seraphina gazed southward, her expression serious.
"Volcano of Ash… that's Dragon Knight territory. We'll need better preparation."
I looked at the pan at my waist.
It looked satisfied.
It had kissed a queen, eaten lightning, and become a welding tool.
"Buddy," I whispered to it.
"What else can you even do in the next chapter?"
The pan didn't answer.
But it let out a soft clank that sounded suspiciously like evil laughter.
Our journey was far from over.
The Second Seal was safe—for now.
But the Demon King's gambling debts awaited us at the Third Seal.
[Corruption Meter: 0.65% (Suppressed by Eira's Ice Mark).]