"Fine!" Bune snapped, adjusting his cuffs. "You are such a baby about the name thing. When is the last time a magician even summoned you properly? Centuries? Move on!"
"Just because you can multitask with two brains doesn't mean the rest of us like having our days wasted with bullshit summons from pimply mortals who can't be bothered to do the summoning right," Skarg growled. He reached down, hauled Zac to his feet, and resumed dragging him toward the back of the kitchen. "Who's got time for some petty human bullshit anyway?"
Bune rolled all four of his eyes loudly, a sound like marbles clicking together. He grabbed two torches from the wall sconces. "Come along then. Let's see what we can find that the avatar will put in his mouth."
They descended a spiraling stone staircase into the cold. The air grew frigid, smelling of iron and preserved death. The Hell Pantry was less a place for food storage and more a morgue for giants. Massive slabs of meat hung on rusted iron hooks that looked strangely, disturbingly bipedal. There were barrels marked with glowing containment runes. In a damp corner, luminescent purple mushrooms grew on large, pulsating sacks. Shelves were lined with jars filled with things that looked like they belonged in an aquarium or a pet store back on Earth, pickled eyes, preserved tentacles, and what looked like a jar of fairy wings.
Zac shivered violently, his breath fogging in the air. He watched, disgusted but fascinated, as Skarg walked dutifully toward a hanging corpse, maybe some sort of monkey, hopefully, and ripped a leg free from the meat hook with a wet tearing sound.
"You don't have nuggets either," Zac chattered, hugging himself and standing close to Bune for warmth.
The dragon looked down at the shivering human and shook his Left Head. The Right Head yelled at Skarg, "That is for Friar Fridays! Put it back! That does not belong to you!"
"The Avatar is hungry," Skarg grunted, ignoring him. He sat down heavily on a crate, the leg on the ground and a flint in his hnads. He began to strike the flint against the side of a large wooden barrel.
"This isn't the cook space!" Bune shrieked. "What are you doing, you imbecile?!"
"The Avatar is cold," Skarg said simply. He reached over with his free hand, grabbed Zac by the waist, and pulled him onto his lap. The wendigo was a furnace of body heat. He resumed striking the flint, sending showers of sparks flying directly at the old wooden barrel.
"STOP! STOP! STOP!" Bune wailed, rushing forward. "THAT IS ALCOHOL, YOU IGNORAMUS! That is 200-year-old Hellfire Whiskey! If you damage the Avatar with your incompetence, or blow up the wine cellar, I am going to have words with the higher ups!"
Zac found himself the filling in a very muscular, very aggressive demon sandwich. Bune had tackled Skarg, trying to wrest the flint away, and Zac was pinned between the dragon's chest and the wendigo's lap.
"Mmph!" Zac grunted, his face pressed into Bune's cravat. 'Okay, usually this is the dream scenario, but I prefer my internal organs on the inside.' He tried to wiggle, but Skarg's legs were like tree trunks and Bune was heavy as a statue.
"Are you trying to kill the Avatar?!" Bune snarled, his Right Head inches from Skarg's muzzle.
"Are you?!" Skarg spat back, bucking his hips. "You don't feed him and you bring him down here to freeze! Look at him! All small and cold and weak and soft and…" His voice trailed off into a low, rumbling purr.
"Hey, what's going on down here? Are you two…" A new voice drifted down the stairs, amusement thick in every syllable.
Zac managed to crane his neck, looking up from where he was sandwiched with his legs spread rather compromisingly wide. "Do you wanna join in too?" he gasped.
Halphas stood on the stairs, holding a cardboard box under one arm. He was back in his ranger leathers, looking effortlessly cool. "Maybe you can knock out Bune so we can have some fun finally!" Zac pleaded.
Halphas laughed, shaking his head. "Slow down there, you eager flay-bait. Can a bird get moved in first? I just came down to see what was burning."
Everyone froze. They turned to look where Halphas was pointing.
The barrel Skarg had been striking sparks against was not just smoldering; a merry little flame was dancing on the lid, licking at the resin-sealed bung. The cold, dry wood gave an ominous creak.
Bune's heads shrieked in unison, a sound of pure panic.
Skarg looked up and smiled, a simple, happy expression. "This should warm the Avatar up."
BOOM.
The world jerked sideways. Bune, reacting with supernatural speed, grabbed Zac and hurled him away from the blast zone.
Zac had a moment to think, 'Wow, I'm going really fast,' as he became a human projectile.
He slammed into Halphas with the force of a cannonball. The eagle let out a surprised squawk as they tangled together, crashing hard into the pantry wall. The box Halphas was holding flew into the air, showering them with shiny, aluminum-covered bags.
Zac groaned, disentangling himself from a dazed Halphas. He sat up, rubbing his head. The pantry was an inferno. The explosion had shattered neighboring barrels, and blue hellfire alcohol was spraying everywhere.
Skarg was rolling around on the floor, yelling, "MY FUR! NOT THE MANE! IT TAKES HOURS TO GROW THIS OUT!"
Bune stood amidst the flames, his butler's uniform blazing. Both heads were screaming at the top of their lungs, ignoring the fire to focus on the bureaucracy of the situation.
Left Head: "I AM TELLING THE CAPTAIN!"
Right Head: "THIS IS COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK, FURFUR!"
The fire was spreading fast. Jars on the shelves began to pop from the heat, spewing pickled tentacles and fairy wings into the blaze. Thick, black, acrid smoke filled the room, choking the air.
Zac coughed a few times, waving the smoke away. He looked at the chaos: the burning wendigo, the screaming dragon, the stunned eagle covered in snack bags.
He shrugged.
"Well," he muttered, picking up one of the aluminum bags. It read Spicy Nacho MRE - Jalapeño Cheese. "Jackpot."
He stood up, tucked the bag into his robe, and calmly walked back up the stairs, leaving the demons to their disaster.