Zac slumped out of the library, his fiery passion for righteous vengeance having lasted approximately ten minutes before he was doodling again. The war against Heaven was important, yes, but so was capturing the perfect musculature of a demonic wendigo.
He held up his double-sided parchment, examining his handiwork. On one side was the misunderstood masterpiece of Marchosias. On the other was a new ink sketch of Skarg, sitting shirtless by a bonfire, looking quite swole. It was only his upper half. Zac had learned the hard way not to draw anything below the belt while in public. There had been… consequences in the past...
He sighed, following Bune toward the kitchen for lunch. Bune had glanced at the new drawing and declared it to be a lovely rendition of "some trees by a pond." Zac really sucked with the quill. It was so hard to use.
"So, Zachary, what were you most surprised to learn?" Bune's Left Head asked curiously, turning to face the leopard pajama-wearing demon-slave. "Was it the fact that God and Lucifer tried to maintain their relationship for a century after Lucifer moved out? The long-distance thing never works."
"Or was it that Lucifer has a strange fixation on God's sons?" the Right Head added, sounding gossipy. "And that is why God has not sent another one down? That bastard God knows Lucifer has his tastes and is denying everyone the second coming because of it!"
"Well, it is a bit weird," Zac said, trying to keep up. "To hit on your ex's kids."
"They are not children!" Bune's Left Head said, sounding almost defensive. "Adam was a fully formed adult! And Lucifer just wanted to show him that bitches are unfaithful too, so it wouldn't be totally bad if they fooled around a little. Which, of course… had its results."
Zac sighed. "Didn't we do enough history lessons? I'm hungry again. All this learning is burning calories."
Bune chuckled, a warm, rumbling sound. "We are nearly there."
As they walked, Zac couldn't help himself. A genuine, strategic thought bubbled to the surface of his hormone-addled brain. "So, why do I need to know all this? Wouldn't it be odd if I just roll into the Holy City knowing the secret, universe-altering truth about God's messy divorce? Seems like a dead giveaway."
Bune snorted, a puff of smoke from each nostril. "Many universes know about this. It's common historical knowledge in most civilized dimensions. But for some reason," Bune pulled out his clipboard and scanned it with his Right Head, "Earth 3c88XT0o seems to have been running under the assumption that they should just be 'living good lives' and 'being nice to each other.' Such a quaint, inefficient system."
Zac looked up. "But… isn't that what Jesus said to do?"
Bune laughed, a loud, incredulous sound. "No! He wanted people to work out and be strong instead of fighting amongst themselves! There is an eternal war going on that needs fodder! Do you know how hard it is to train a soul that's spent its mortal life 'turning the other cheek'? Their core strength is abysmal."
"Oh," Zac said. He didn't have much to add to that. It wasn't like he could refute anything the demonic dragon said. He did feel a bit glad, however, that bench presses hadn't been part of the service when he was forced to go to church as a kid.
"Lucifer tried to help him, you know," Bune shook his heads sadly. "He told him, 'It's not healthy to dehydrate for forty days just to look extra shredded to inspire the humans. God is making you hurt yourself for the gains.' But he wouldn't listen." The Right Head sighed wistfully. "Oh, how Lucifer fell for that human. Such a twunk... So much potential..."
Zac thought back to the images of Jesus he remembered from his childhood. 'Yeah,' he mused, 'he did usually have washboard abs. But he also usually looked a bit… crucified. Which is not a great look. Maybe he did have a killer physique under all those shepherd's robes he wore.'
'Good on you, Jesus,' Zac thought, a newfound respect blooming in his chest. 'You've got way more discipline than I do. Working out is for tops.'
"How your world's interpretation of his message about eating protein, curing sickness, and self-improvement got lost to history is a mystery," Bune said, pushing open the dining room door. "Frankly, it's embarrassing."
"I kind of don't remember the protein thing," Zac said as he walked in. His train of thought then crashed off a bridge, plunged into the ocean, and was devoured by a kraken.
Sir Nock was there.
The lion was lazily lounging in a high-backed chair, a golden silk robe draped over his powerful frame, open enough to reveal the expanse of his sculpted chest. His large foot-paws were propped up on a stool, where the rodent demon was meticulously massaging his beans. At his shoulder, the warthog demon was carefully brushing his magnificent, newly-conditioned mane.
And Nock was eating an ice cream cone.
He was sensually, aggressively lapping at a scoop of blood-red ice cream, his long, rough tongue swirling around the treat. His muzzle was dripping with red. Strawberry, Zac hoped. Probably not strawberry.
"-and of course, fish is very high in protein," Bune said, walking past the stun-locked human.
Zac's eyes went wide. The lion man looked so… ferocious. He looked a bit silly with a waffle cone, yes, but the bloody muzzle, the hungry, predatory look in his eyes as he devoured the sweet… maybe the poetic knight was romantic, but right now, he just looked like a king. Zac shivered as he watched the lion's tongue make another slow, deliberate pass around the icy blood-pop.