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"You see that?"
"What?"
"Over there, that's a white deer. Its extremely rare. You probably only gonna see it once in your lifetime."
"Woah, isn't that, like, a big deal? You don't look excited at all."
"I am, I am excited. You can see it on my face."
"Bruh."
I don't see it.
"Yeah, they said seeing a white deer is a bad bad omen."
"Do you believe that?"
"What do you think?"
I tried digging the ground of my memory as I walk. I remember it vaguely, that was our last conversation in the middle of the night in the middle of a jungle.
I saw a sign, a church sign and I stopped for a while because I got so lost in my thoughts.
I don't even remember why I agreed to go camping with him. I recall it was almost winter; it was freezing cold outside but the campfire kept us warm. I stared at him hoping I could catch a glimpse of expression on his face but it's just, flat. Poker. The light from the campfire didn't help at all. Excited? I can't read him, I don't even know what he's thinking, what his current mood or what he's going to do. I always thought maybe I'll get used to his pattern of behavior, but, until the very end, I never get to know what kind of person he is.
I smiled. I continued my walk.
You probably thinking that we are in some kinds of relationship right now, aren't you? Well, we kind of are, but not romantically. Platonic? I don't think he knows what that means. Friends? Hmm, maybe. Can women and men be friends? I don't even know. If the opposite gender can be friends, then, I guess he's my first male friend.
I entered the church. I can hear a women sobbing and whimpering from the entrance, followed by words of consolations and sympathies. For some reason, I cannot bring myself to the altar, where the coffin is placed. I sat at the back, near the entrance. "Well, aren't you happy that I'm able to spare my precious time to visit you?" I muttered to myself.
I look down. "You told me to go out of my comfort zone right? Now here I am." I tried my best not to cry but, how can I not when the thoughts of not seeing you ever again filled my brain. My shoulder shakes. I tried to stop myself from crying but I just cant. I gave up, I let one sob out and I cant stop crying now. My vision blurred, my snot blocked my nose. Ah, I don't want to cry harder than the people in front of the altar. That's going to be so embarrassing. I'm assuming that's probably his family.
A sudden realization came to me. This is so funny, I don't even know anything about him, what his family like, or his favorite colour.
"Hey."
I wiped my tears and snot and look up. A women sat beside me. She offered me a tissue.
"I'm sorry to disturb you."
She gently touched and caressed my shoulder.
I'm still sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't even talk.
"He talks a lot about you, you know?"
I look at her. Confused.
"What?"
"You are Margaret, right? I saw your picture from his phone."
I stared at her. She probably can see the questions mark on my forehead.
"Ah, im Tilly. His sister." She smiled.
"Oh," I said as I wiped my tears and snot again.It got quite for a while. I can feel her hand on my shoulder started shacking.
"Sorry, I-"
"Why are you sorry?"
The tone of her voice changed. She released her hand from my shoulder and she abruptly stands up.
"YOU KILLED HIM!!!! YOU KILLED HIM! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE HERE!"
I flinched. What? My mind spiraled with confusion. Before I could do something, she grabbed my hair while screaming hysterically. I could feel like my head is about to fall off. Its hurt, its painful and her strength, I just know she used all her power on her grip. It was filled with anger. I faintly saw people rushed to us and tried to calm her. Some men tried to release her grip from me. As soon as her grip released, I run as fast as I could out of the church.I ran towards the road. I can still feel the snot dripping from my nose. I'm out of breath.
I continued to run until I saw a willow tree by the river. Ah. I've been here before. NO. We've been here before. I sat down under the tree and I couldn't control my tears anymore. I cried like there's no tomorrow.
Did I really kill him?