Knockturn Alley.
Once, this was a paradise for Dark Wizards, where the air reeked of sulfur, blood, and despair.
But today, it was draped in pink neon signs, and a giant inflatable archway stood at the entrance, reading: "Hogwarts Branch · Influencer Check-in Spot · Ivan's Magic Workshop."
Ivan sat on a "throne" converted from scrapped cauldrons, wearing sunglasses and holding a pumpkin juice with eight ice spheres.
"Move it!" He shouted at a group of Death Eaters who were hauling bricks. "Make the traps in the 'Haunted House' scarier! And hang that Dementor from the ceiling as an air conditioner—don't let it suck the guests' happiness dry, just the heat!"
A group of Death Eaters in black robes and masks were sweating profusely as they painted walls and hung streamers.
In the past, who would have dared ask them to do this? They would have cast a Killing Curse immediately.
But now...
As they painted, they secretly took selfies with the "Magic Phones" Ivan had distributed, some even practicing peace signs.
"Master Ivan!" Lucius Malfoy, wearing an ill-fitting mascot suit—a giant, glittering Golden Snitch—ran over panting, holding a stack of flyers.
"The line stretches three blocks! And... and quite a few Aurors from the Ministry are here too. They're in plain clothes pretending to 'inspect', but they actually want autographs!"
Ivan raised an eyebrow. "Aurors? Make them queue for tickets. The VIP lane is only open to pure-blood families—for an extra fee, of course."
Just then, the rapid click of high heels echoed from the end of the street.
Bellatrix Lestrange stormed over like a hurricane.
But her outfit today made everyone's jaw drop.
She wasn't wearing her haughty black robes. Instead, she was wearing an extremely shameful, pink mascot suit with bunny ears!
And she was clutching a huge stack of flyers printed with Ivan's face!
"Master! Master!" Bellatrix felt no shame; instead, she rushed to Ivan with fanaticism, holding the flyers high. "Look! I handed out a whole five thousand! Just now, a Muggle-born wizard asked for a photo, and I charged him five Galleons like you taught me!"
Ivan nodded in satisfaction, pulled a candy from his pocket, and tossed it to her. "Good job, Bella. Here's your 'dog treat'... oh no, energy candy."
Bellatrix acted like she'd received a treasure, unwrapping it and popping it into her mouth with an intoxicated expression. "Thank you, Master! Um... about the 'Short Video Operation Course' you mentioned..."
"What's the rush?" Ivan pointed to a smoking Dark Creature display case nearby. "Deal with that Blast-Ended Skrewt first. Its fire isn't flashy enough. Add some fluorescent powder; I want that 'colorful black' look."
"Yes! Master!" Bellatrix gave an extremely non-standard salute and ran happily to feed the Skrewt fluorescent powder.
The surrounding dark wizards watched, dumbfounded.
That was Bellatrix!
The madwoman who tortured the Longbottoms into insanity!
The Dark Lord's most loyal Death Eater!
Now she was babysitting a Blast-Ended Skrewt?!
> [System Alert: Lucius (Worldview Collapse + Extreme Worship of Ivan's Methods): Emotion Value +500!]
> [System Alert: Passerby Death Eaters (Faith Shattered + Want to wear mascot suits): Emotion Value +300!]
> [System Alert: Bellatrix (The Joy of Servitude + Thirst for Internet Traffic): Emotion Value +800!]
"Master Ivan," Lucius wiped his sweat and whispered, "isn't this... too depraved? After all, we are noble pure-bloods..."
"Can you eat pure blood?" Ivan glanced at him, pointing at the queuing crowd. "Look at those little wizards. What are they holding? Galleons! Traffic! Attention!"
Ivan stood up and walked to the entrance of the massive "Haunted House."
The sign read: "Immersive Experience: A Night of Torture by the Dark Lord (Includes Live NPC Interaction)."
"Lucius, do you know why Voldemort always fails?" Ivan asked suddenly.
"Because... because he isn't strong enough?" Lucius ventured.
"No." Ivan wagged his finger. "Because he doesn't understand 'User Experience'. He only knows how to kill, not how to 'entertain'."
Ivan pushed open the Haunted House doors.
Inside wasn't a torture chamber, but a massive holographic projection room.
Several actors dressed in black robes (captured Death Eaters) were performing.
But they weren't acting in a horror movie; they were in... a sitcom?
An actor playing Voldemort was practicing in front of a mirror: "Avada... Avada... Oh, I forgot the line! Director, can I change it? How about 'Fam, double tap 666'?"
On the other side, a small actor playing Harry Potter was holding a water gun, spraying the "Voldemort."
"Voldemort" cooperated by letting out exaggerated screams: "Ah! I'm dead! I was squirted to death by a water gun! Help!"
The audience outside (the young wizards) laughed uproariously, applauding thunderously.
"See that?" Ivan looked back at Lucius. "This is called 'Deconstructing Authority'. When Voldemort becomes a clown who can be killed by a water gun, he can no longer scare anyone."
Lucius looked at the "Voldemort" inside, dripping wet from the water gun, then at the audience outside doubling over with laughter.
He suddenly shivered.
This attacks the heart!
This is more ruthless than killing Voldemort directly!
If every child in the wizarding world thinks the Dark Lord is a joke, how will he recruit followers?
"Brilliant... absolutely brilliant!" Lucius sighed sincerely, then skillfully posed cutely in his suit. "Master Ivan, can I have a role too? I want to play 'Malfoy getting spanked by Harry Potter on a broom'! I have experience!"
Ivan patted his shoulder. "Go get a number and queue. The acting fee will be deducted from your protection money."
Just then, a low, hoarse voice suddenly exploded in Ivan's mind.
It wasn't the System, nor anyone nearby.
It resonated directly in the depths of his soul.
"...You have done well, child..."
Ivan's smile froze for a moment, then became even more amused.
Voldemort.
The old Nose-less finally couldn't hold it back.
"...But I sense... a familiar scent..."
The voice carried a trace of greed and madness. "...In your soul... the scent of 'that thing'... Deathly Hallows... no, more ancient... purer..."
Ivan responded coldly in his mind: "Want it? Come get it yourself. And draw your eyebrows on before you go out, or I won't let you into the VIP room."
"...Hmph. Just wait. When I reclaim my body... I will take your bones apart one by one and make them into my wand..."
The voice vanished.
Ivan opened his eyes, looking toward the depths of Knockturn Alley.
There lay an inconspicuous second-hand bookstore.
An owl was flying out of it, carrying a strange, black scroll.
That wasn't an ordinary letter; that was... an invitation from a Horcrux?
"Lucius." Ivan spoke suddenly.
"Here! Master!" Lucius was busy sticking rhinestones onto his mascot suit.
"Upgrade the 'Haunted House'." A flash of excited red light appeared in Ivan's eyes. "Add a 'Live Combat Mode'. I'm going to throw a fragment of Voldemort's Horcrux in there. Let the tourists take their wands and 'raid the dungeon'. Whoever breaks the Horcrux gets ten thousand Galleons."
Lucius's hand shook, sticking a rhinestone crookedly. "Ten... ten thousand Galleons? That's half the Malfoy family's income for a year!"
"You have to spend money to make money." Ivan watched the owl fly away, a cruel smile curling his lips. "Voldemort wants to play 'Soul Resonance' with me? Fine. I'll turn his Horcrux into a 'Raid Boss' and let every student at Hogwarts grind it for XP!"
"Oh, and," Ivan added, "tell Bellatrix. If she can grow her follower count to 100,000 this summer, I'll allow her to dye that curly hair pink."
In the distance, Bellatrix, feeding fluorescent powder to the Skrewt, heard this.
She let out a beast-like cheer, tossed the Skrewt aside, whipped out her Magic Phone, and started frantically taking close-up selfies:
"Fam! Hit follow! This streamer takes you to see the realest Dark Magic in Knockturn Alley! Double tap the screen, and Bella will take you to blow up a castle!"
Ivan nodded in satisfaction at these completely unhinged Death Eaters.
"This is the Knockturn Alley I wanted."
"Filled with the stench of money and entertainment to death."
"Voldemort, your era is over."
"Now is the era where 'Traffic is King'."