Hogwarts, Headmaster's Office (Temporarily Converted into a Livestream Studio).
Because Ivan was still unconscious, the AI Snape tattoo on his back was hovering in mid-air (via Ivan's levitating body), pointing a wand at everyone and forcing them to hawk products.
"Move it!" The Snape Tattoo roared. "Grindelwald, straighten that crooked neck! Riddle, tie that pink bib tighter! And Lucius, stop licking the Blast-Ended Skrewt's feet and get over here to hold the cue cards!"
Just then, the air in the center of the office suddenly warped.
A giant silver hourglass was spinning wildly in reverse, emitting a piercing shriek.
"Time Reversal! Activate!" Dumbledore (Muscle Wheelchair Edition) roared, trying to stabilize spacetime with his wand. "I'm going back five minutes to stop this farce!"
"Headmaster! Don't touch that!" Hermione screamed. "That Time-Turner was modified by Ivan! It connects to a 'Random Past'!"
BOOM!!
A blinding white light exploded, knocking the livestreaming Voldemort and Grindelwald to the floor.
The dust settled.
Standing in the center of the office was a person.
He was a young man who looked to be in his early twenties.
Tall and thin, dressed in robes fashionable for that era, holding the Elder Wand.
Most importantly—he had no muscles, no Schwarzenegger-like arms, and no massive beard capable of strangling someone.
He looked like a shy, straight-A student who hadn't even graduated yet.
This was Albus Dumbledore from 1945.
The summer right before he defeated Grindelwald.
Young Dumbledore blinked in confusion, looking at the room full of freaks.
On the left: a burly middle-aged man with a crooked neck, wearing a gold wig, trying to glue a mustache back on (Grindelwald).
On the right: a bald man with a green scalp, wearing a pink bow and a baby bib (Voldemort).
In front: a floating, talking Snape tattoo.
And on the floor: a Blast-Ended Skrewt chewing on a table.
"Merlin's beard..." Young Dumbledore muttered to himself. "Did I drink expired Felix Felicis? Which circle of hell is this?"
The moment Grindelwald saw Young Dumbledore, his eyes went red.
It was the look of a wolf that hadn't eaten in three days spotting a shorn lamb.
"Albus..." Grindelwald drooled, forgetting the pain in his neck, and approached step by step. "Young... tender... Albus, before being covered by all that damn muscle..."
"Stand back!" Young Dumbledore raised his wand, retreating warily. "Who are you? How do you know my name? And why is that dark, fat man wearing a diaper?"
"Dark fat man?!" Voldemort was triggered and shrieked, "I am the Dark Lord! Riddle! And this is a Tactical Bib!"
Just as Grindelwald was about to pounce and commit "unspeakable acts"...
Muscle Dumbledore (in the wheelchair) finally reacted.
He looked at his scrawny self—the version before he pumped iron to Schwarzenegger levels—and tears streamed down his old face.
"Albus..." Muscle Dumbledore reached out a trembling hand. "Is that you? Young me? My god, look at that waist, so thin! Look at those arms, so tender! I almost forgot I used to be so... so 'fragile'..."
Young Dumbledore looked at the muscular, bearded, "future self" in the wheelchair who was essentially dressed in a K-Pop idol outfit.
His pupils quaked.
"You... you are... the future me?" Young Dumbledore's voice trembled. "In the future... I become this... this muscle-bound monster with no brain?"
"This is to protect Hogwarts!" Muscle Dumbledore tried to stand up in his agitation, crushing the wheelchair armrests. "This is the Ministry-approved 'Macho Man Project'! Ouch, my back!"
Young Dumbledore was devastated.
He looked at Grindelwald's crooked neck and lecherous gaze, then at Voldemort's green melon head.
He suddenly felt the future was too dark.
"I'm going back!" Young Dumbledore raised his wand. "I'm going to lock Grindelwald in Nurmengard right now! I'm going to Avada Kedavra this diaper-wearing lunatic! I'm going to fix everything!"
"Don't be rash!" The Snape Tattoo floated over, its mechanical eyes flashing red. "Since you're here, it's destiny. Mr. Young Dumbledore, do you want thick, luscious hair? Do you want to possess hair like mine in this superficial era... even if it is greasy?"
Young Dumbledore paused. "Who are you?"
"I am your future... no, I am Professor Snape's Digital Lifeform." The Tattoo Snape pulled out a bottle of green-smoking hair tonic. "Sign this contract, and not only can you cure your hidden 'Premature Balding' anxiety, but you also earn the title of 'Hogwarts Top Influencer.'"
Voldemort watched with envy.
He desperately needed an ally to fight Grindelwald and Muscle Dumbledore.
And this young version of Dumbledore looked innocent, gullible, and possessed high magical talent.
Voldemort leaned in, flashing what he thought was a charming smile (which was terrifying without a nose):
"Hey, kid. Don't listen to that snake oil salesman. I'm Tom Riddle. If you roll with me, I'll make you Head Boy! And..."
Voldemort lowered his voice and pointed at Grindelwald. "Look at that old pervert. He's going to eat you alive. Come with me, I'll teach you Dark Magic, and we'll rule the world together!"
Young Dumbledore looked at Voldemort's sincere (actually desperate) eyes, then at Grindelwald who was wolf-whistling at him.
He gritted his teeth.
"Fine!" Young Dumbledore extended his hand to Voldemort. "I'll go with you! But I have one condition—help me rip that old pervert's (pointing at Grindelwald) wig off first!"
"Deal!" Voldemort was overjoyed and grabbed Young Dumbledore's hand. "Quirrell! Bring the contract! We're signing a 'Lifetime Master-Servant Agreement'! No, wait, a 'Strategic Partnership'!"
Just as their hands were about to clasp.
The Snape Tattoo suddenly activated "Forced Sales Mode."
"Detected High-Quality Potential Client! Activating 'Hair Tonic · Potent Penetration' Protocol!"
A green laser shot from the tattoo's mouth, hitting Young Dumbledore precisely on the top of his head.
"Ah!" Young Dumbledore jumped, feeling a burning sensation on his scalp.
Immediately after.
WHOOSH—!
A jet of green flame erupted from the top of his head.
It was a violent reaction between Snape's Special Reserve Hair Tonic and Young Dumbledore's high magical power.
The smoke cleared.
Young Dumbledore's thick brown hair... was gone.
In its place was a shiny, reflective, standard... Mediterranean horseshoe bald spot.
And because the potion was too potent, the bald spot was even larger than modern Snape's forehead, leaving only two lonely tufts of curly hair above his ears.
Dead silence filled the room.
Young Dumbledore touched his head with trembling hands.
"My hair..." He sounded like he was about to cry. "I'm only twenty... and I'm bald?"
"This..." Voldemort looked at Young Dumbledore, who had instantly aged thirty years, and silently let go of his hand. "Um... Tom, I just remembered I have something to do... Bye!"
Voldemort turned and ran to hide behind the Blast-Ended Skrewt.
"Is this my future destiny..." Young Dumbledore knelt on the floor in despair, drawing circles with his finger. "No matter the age, can I not escape the curse of balding?"
Grindelwald saw his young lover turn bald, and instead of being turned off, he got even more excited.
"Bald is good! Bald is sexy! Albus, don't cry, I love you even if you're bald! Come here, let me kiss that shiny head!"
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!" Young Dumbledore snapped. He raised his wand and fired spells wildly. "Expelliarmus! Reducto! Avada... no, too good for you! I'm turning you into a frog!"
"Ribbit!"
Grindelwald actually turned into a golden frog wearing a trench coat, hopping around on the floor.
Muscle Dumbledore covered his face as he watched this.
"It's over," he said in despair. "History has been changed. Gellert is a frog, young me is bald, Voldemort is playing with a Skrewt's tail... Hogwarts is doomed."
Just then.
The unconscious Ivan suddenly sat up.
His eyes flashed with the same red light as the Tattoo Snape.
He looked at the chaos in the room and revealed a 'nuclear' kind smile.
"Since everyone is here," Ivan (possessed by the AI) picked up the microphone, "then, the largest 'Cross-Time Parentage Test & Livestream Sale' in Hogwarts history starts now!"
> [System Alert: Livestream Title changed to "SHOCKING! Headmaster Dumbledore is his own GRANDPA?!"]
Young Dumbledore looked at Ivan, then at the smoking bottle of hair tonic in his hand.
"What kind of hell is this place..."