The "Inn of Eternal Serenity" was anything but serene. It smelled like incense, old wood, and the collective sweat of a hundred guys who thought sitting in the lotus position was a substitute for a shower.
I walked up to the counter, ignoring the way the other patrons were whispering behind their hands. Apparently, word traveled fast when you fireball a Young Master into a brick wall.
"One room," I said, slamming a handful of Zhao's spirit stones onto the wood. "Somewhere far away from anyone who uses the word 'Dao' more than once an hour. Also, do you have anything to eat that didn't grow in a graveyard?"
The innkeeper looked at the stones, then at me, then at the stones again. He was a balding man with a mustache so thin it looked like he'd drawn it on with a Sharpie. "Young hero... these are mid-grade stones. I can give you our finest suite, but I must warn you, the Silver Moon Sect's disciples are currently staying—"
"I don't care if the Avengers are staying here, man. Just give me a key and a steak."
"We have... Braised Spirit-Boar?"
"Close enough. Send it up."
I took the wooden room token and headed for the stairs, but the universe apparently decided my day wasn't done being a trope-fest. As I reached the landing, the front door of the inn didn't just open; it *burst* open.
A wave of cold air swept through the room, smelling like lilies and arrogance. The chatter died instantly. You could have heard a pin drop, if that pin was also terrified of being executed for breathing too loud.
In walked a girl who looked like she'd been photoshopped into reality. She had long, flowing white hair, eyes the color of a frozen lake, and a face so symmetrical it was actually kind of creepy. She wore white and blue robes that trailed behind her like she was perpetually walking on a runway.
Behind her, a squad of female disciples followed, all of them looking like they'd just sucked on a lemon.
"The Ice-Cold Fairy, Liu Rumei!" someone hissed from a corner table. "The number one beauty of the Silver Moon Sect! She's achieved the Great Circle of Foundation Establishment at only nineteen!"
I stood on the stairs, watching the performance. Liu Rumei didn't look at anyone. She walked with her chin tilted up at an angle that looked like it would cause serious neck strain. She was the "Jade Beauty." The untouchable goddess. The girl every protagonist is supposed to fall in love with after she tries to kill him for looking at her.
She stopped at the center of the room. Her aura flared—literally, the floor started to frost over.
"This inn is now under the protection of the Silver Moon Sect," she said, her voice sounding like wind chimes in a graveyard. "All commoners and unaffiliated cultivators must vacate within the hour. We require the space for our meditation."
The innkeeper started bowing so low his forehead was hitting the floor. "Of course, Fairy! Immediately!"
The patrons scrambled. Men were literally tripping over their chairs to leave, yet they were still staring at her with hearts in their eyes. It was pathetic. It was the ultimate brain rot.
I, however, had already paid. And I was really looking forward to that Spirit-Boar.
I turned around and continued walking up the stairs.
"You."
The voice was cold enough to give me a literal debuff. I stopped and looked over my shoulder. Liu Rumei was staring at me. Or rather, she was staring at my back. Her disciples had their hands on their sword hils.
"Did you not hear my words, mortal?" she asked. Her eyes narrowed. "Vacate. Now."
I blinked at her. "I heard you. I just chose to ignore you. See, I have this thing called a 'contract.' I gave the guy money, he gave me a room. That's how a civilized society works. If you want a place to meditate, go find a mountain. I hear they're very quiet."
The silence that followed was so heavy it felt like it had its own gravity. The innkeeper looked like he was about to faint.
[Warning: Extreme Levels of Arrogance Detected.]
[Objective: Don't let the 'Ice Beauty' freeze your dinner.]
[Reward: 150 Exp, 'Thaw' Spell unlocked.]
"You... you dare?" one of her lackeys stepped forward, her face red with rage. "You dare speak to Sister Liu with such filth in your mouth? Do you know who she is? She is the daughter of the Moon-Shattering Sovereign! Her beauty is enough to topple cities!"
I looked the 'Ice Beauty' up and down. She was pretty, sure. But in a world where everyone cultivated to look like a supermodel, she was basically just a 7 with a really good dry-cleaner.
"Cities must be built pretty flimsy around here then," I said, leaning against the railing. "Look, she's fine. A solid 2/10 on the personality scale, maybe an 8 on the looks if you like the 'I'm-constantly-smelling-garbage' expression. But I'm tired. I've had a long day of fireballing idiots named Zhao. Can we do this tomorrow?"
Liu Rumei didn't scream. She didn't turn purple like Zhao. Instead, the temperature in the room dropped by twenty degrees. Frost crept up the banister toward my hand.
"A mortal who cannot even sense Qi dares to judge my 'personality'?" She took a step toward the stairs, her movements graceful and deadly. "I was going to let you leave with your life. Now, I shall freeze your tongue so you may never utter such blasphemy again."
"Always with the tongue-freezing or the limb-crippling," I sighed, clicking my fingers.
A shield of flickering blue hexagons snapped into existence around me—the *Arcane Aegis*. The frost hit the shield and hissed, turning into steam instantly.
"Listen, Elsa," I said, staring her right in those frozen eyes. "I don't care about your sect, your sovereign dad, or your 'unparalleled beauty.' I want my bed, and I want my boar. If you take one more step up these stairs, I'm going to cast 'Grease' on those fancy robes of yours and watch you slide all the way back to the Moon-Shattering whatever-the-hell."
Liu Rumei paused. For the first time, the "Ice-Cold" mask slipped. She looked at the blue hexagons, then at me. Her "Jade" brain was clearly struggling to process a power that didn't involve golden light or swirling petals.
"What... what treasure are you using?" she demanded, her voice wavering.
"It's not a treasure. It's a 1.2.4 patch update," I muttered. "Now, go play with your ice cubes somewhere else. I have a date with a steak."
I turned my back on the most beautiful girl in the province and walked to my room, leaving a lobby full of people who looked like their entire world-view had just been uninstalled.
[Quest Complete: Survival of the Wittiest.]
[Reward: 200 Mana, 1x Clean Pair of Socks.]
I felt the socks appear in my inventory.
"Worth it," I said, and slammed the door.
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