Perpetual darkness... that was the answer I came to concerning one of the oldest questions in human existence. That being what death looks like... what it feels like. Of course this is something you'd only be able to experience after going through the process of death itself.
So yeah I am dead. I've been for the longest time. Atleast that's what I believe.
At this point whether it's been years or mere second is something I cannot tell, but it also carries little of significance. I mean it's not like it would change anything even if I knew.
So back to what I was saying... perpetual darkness, maybe the best way I could describe it, but it would still not be truly correct.
Have you heard this before? While many think that blind people simply see only darkness, that would be incorrect. Because in actuality people born blind see nothing, not darkness... just simply nothing.
So what I'm experiencing should be similar to that, though still not exactly. Since being blind and not existing are actually to no one's surprise very different things.
So that's that nothingness forever. No limbs to move, no mouth to eat with, nothing to see. It's just nothing, but oddly enough one thing still lingers, stubbornly my consciousness refuses to rest.
How I came to be here is something I have long forgotten. Was it a perhaps something as simple as a car accident?
I don't know.
The time I've spent here has eroded my memories to the point where even my last moments of existence were erased from it, just simply gone.
But with this erosion came a form of hope, a hope for release. I mean if I stay here long enough everything will erode, with it the consciusness that has been clinging on for it's life (if we can even call it that) would have to disappear too. Right?
Wrong!! Dead wrong!!
Once all the memories were gone the erosion disappeared, like it never existed.
Now the only thing that remains are the memories of this void, and my knowledge, not of my life, but of the world... of what Earth is and all the other stuff.
It felt very much like an erasure of my individuality, but at the same time also not. I mean my knowledge remained and even without my body, name or family I still very much felt like myself.
So that's how we arrive to the now. Atleast I'd call it the now, even if time doesn't exist here it still feels "appropriate".
So what now? Is the question I've been asking myself, I mean even now that is what I'm doing. The whole point of this monologue is to look through what has happened, and what will happen next.
But to be honest, it's not like there is anything to do, I mean as I've said previously this void has nothing.
So do I just keep repeatedly asking myself what to do next?
I probably shouldn't. Right?
I mean it's not like I'm wasting time doing it because time is all that I have, but then again will this ever yield any results? Probably not.
Still after all the time spent here I have achieved some "results", though that wording seems generous.
I have deduced that the nature of this space is probably one of the following four.
1. This is either hell or some form of purgatory.
Likelihood: Unlikely. I mean what's the point of it all if I don't have my memories. Isn't the point of these two to make the "victim" repent for their crimes? So yeah not very likely.
2. This is simply what happens after death.
Likelihood: Very likely. Theories such as this have always existed even if they were not very popular, because the concept was pretty depressing, lonely and terrifying. Still it wasthere in back ofmost people's mind as a possibility. Most simply just chose to find a more comfortable answer through concepts like heaven or reincarnation. So yeah though maybe not the most desired answer, still a likely one all the same.
3. This is the process of reincarnation.
Likelihood: Mildly likely. Continuing from the last point, though a more desirable aswer, a part of me refuses to believe it. Would the process really be so torturous and long... I don't know. Anyways atleast this one still has a small likelyhood of being the truth, so I shouldn't give up on it too quickly
4. I never existed to begin with.
Likelihood: Fairly likely. Since I have no memories left, the only thing proving I ever existed prior to this void is no longer here. As such the possibility remains that I just have the knowledge, but never existed prior to entering this void. No way to prove it, no way to disprove it either.
And that's all the ideas for now. To be honest even if I knew which of these was the truth, the most I would know is the origin. Escape would still seem impossible.
I guess... I'm just stuck here forever...
Haaahaaahaaa... how many times have I arrived at this conclusion by now?
It really is hopeless, isn't it?
Rotting for all eternity. Well maybe a sudden revelation will come to me, but for now it seems there is nothing I can do.
.....
Guess there is no use dwelling on things out of my control, let's... change the subject.
I really have gone insane, always talking like there is an audience to listen, but at the same time I have a feeling my internal monologue's were always like this... even if I don't remember.
With nothing to do what can I do?
Fantasise about what I'd do if ever escaped?
Funny idea, but pointless nonetheless, not only because I can't escape from here, but because I am probably already dead. The best thing that could happen would be me completely fading, this soul of mine just ceasing to exist.
.....
I suppose even if it's pointless, I should still think about something, anything to keep myself occupied, so atleast boredom escapes me, even if just for a passing second.
I suppose with no prior memories I should start by figuring out my past. That seems fairly reasonable, right?
Even if the info I come up with is wrong there is no one to correct me, no one to tell me I'm wrong. Of course other than my good old self.
With no knowledge I guess I could also try to figure out what I looked like prior.
I could slowly find out everything about my old self, even if it's inaccurate, I am not searching for actual answers, all I'm trying to find is a form of escape. An escape from being formless, faceless, nameless. I am simply tired of it.
There has to be atleast a fragment of my personality left in this hollow husk. I mean even now I feel like I am exuding a ton of personality, right?
The truth itself has stopped mattering long ago, but still I can't help but wonder who I was, whether I truly deserve to be here?
I want to know who I was.
Was I handsome?
Was I just average looking?
Were there any skills I excelled at?
Did I have a girlfriend?
Did I have a job?
Could you call me successful?
Was I what many would classify as a bad person?
...
In this form it's probably impossible for me to ever uncover the whole truth.
I mean how could someone who never saw, heard, or felt anything ever be able to observe the physical world.