Benjamin and Wren walked barefoot along the shore. The feeling of the warm sand beneath his feet and the sound of the lapping waves calmed Benjamin. He felt as if some of the tension he had been carrying finally began to leave his body.
Wren spoke of his acquaintances and his recent stay in Amara, later asking Benjamin about his own time at the palace. They conversed for a while before falling into a comfortable silence, walking side-by-side as they gazed out at the vibrant colors of the sunset.
"I would like to go to Shen Zhou someday…" Benjamin said, breaking the silence.
"Shen Zhou? Is it for a pilgrimage?"
"Well… I've been thinking about it recently…" Benjamin replied.
"When I reflect on the person I am today, I see that I am the culmination of my upbringing, my experiences, and all the challenges I have overcome. The choices of my past and the decisions of my present continuously shape who I am today. And so, if my past is a part of me and so deeply woven into who I am, I was wondering… Is it ever truly possible to leave the past behind?" Benjamin asked sincerely.
Wren remained silent for a moment. "I have wondered the same thing myself."
"When people look at me, they do not see the parts of myself I hide... Is everyone like that? Does everyone hide a part of themselves?" Benjamin asked.
"Everyone wears a mask," Wren replied. "There is a part of ourselves that only we know. Perhaps it is our deepest fears or dreams that we keep to ourselves. It could even be precious memories that we do not wish to share with the world. Some say, that is the truest part of ourselves. Yet, there is a reason why we keep it hidden. Perhaps, the question isn't to ask what's hidden, but why it is hidden… "
"But… what if what's hidden is… something terrible?" Benjamin asked, quietly. "The ugly parts of myself that I am too ashamed to let others see…"
"Those who love you, genuinely love you, will see past all of that. We aren't just one moment in our life. We aren't just one mistake. As you said before, we are the sum of everything we've been through, all the joys and sorrows we've experienced. If we make mistakes, we learn from them. That's how we grow. And our goal should be to continue learning and growing… to be a better version of ourselves."
"I just... I've done things I'm not proud of," Benjamin said. "I keep thinking about how I could've made different choices.I know I can't go back in time to change any of it, but… I still can't seem to let go."
"I understand very well," Wren said softly. "People say it is best to forgive yourself… Maybe we didn't know any better back then. All we can do is learn from the past and try to do better. They say that is the only way forward…"
Wren sighed. "But it is much easier said than done."
"I feel as if my past clings to me. As if I am trapped there and can never escape it. I'm scared it will dictate my future… which is why I would like to go to Shen Zhou. Have you ever been there?" Benjamin asked.
"I have," Wren replied.
"Then... if you don't mind... can I ask you about your time there?"
"There isn't much to say, really… I was met with a kindness and generosity I have not seen anywhere else. Wherever I went, people would take me in for meals and lodging, all the way until I made my way to Xian Yang to meet with the Taiyang."
"They sound like wonderful people. It makes me want to visit even more," Benjamin said. "And, how was your meeting with the Taiyang? What was he like? I mean, if the conversation is too private, there's no need to share."
"He was compassionate and wise. I didn't go there just for myself…" Wren paused. "And though I heard what I wanted to hear, I'm not sure what to make of what was told to me."
After a short pause, Wren added, "It is true that they believe anyone can seek redemption."
"Do you believe that to be the case?"
"I am not sure myself," Wren let out a small, dry laugh. "And, what is your opinion?"
"I'm not sure either," Benjamin admitted. "Which is why I want to speak with the Taiyang."
"You should go. I think it will help you," Wren encouraged. "Shall we go together?"
"That sounds wonderful, but… I'm not sure when I'll be able to go."
"As far as I know, the Visharian Order has been around for centuries," Wren said with a small smile. "There's no need to rush."
"Wren, speaking with you has really lifted my mood."
"I'm glad it has," Wren replied, smiling.
** ** ** ** ** **
When Benjamin returned from the beach, he found Charles in his room. The prince was seated in an armchair, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs and his hands pressed firmly against his temples.
Benjamin walked toward him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "Charles… are you alright?"
Charles didn't look up. "Ben… I…"
Suddenly, Charles wrapped his arms around Benjamin's waist, clinging to him tightly and burying his face in his body. Benjamin felt a warm wetness soak into his shirt.
He softly stroked Charles's hair. "Charles… talk to me. I'm here."
Charles clung to him for a long time while Benjamin continued to stroke his hair. Finally, Charles let go, though he still wouldn't look up. His hands were trembling.
"The engagement is being announced tomorrow at the ball," Charles said slowly, his voice deep, low, and sullen. "I didn't know that there would be an announcement."
Benjamin remained silent, at a loss for words. Seeing Charles's breakdown, he wanted to console him and reassure him that everything would be alright. But he hadn't even processed the news himself.
"It's not my decision, but—"
"Is there even a decision to make here? The choice should be obvious," Benjamin said with a soft smile, though his voice wavered.
"I don't understand. What are you implying? That I should leave you?" Charles asked, looking up with a fierce gaze. His head was pounding and his hands were still shaking.
"That is your duty. The weight of your bloodline," Benjamin replied gently. "We all have our own duties to fulfill. Even if it weren't for the engagement, we never stood a chance. Even I… I am not free to choose my own life."
"You don't mean this."
"It's because I do that I'm saying this," Benjamin replied firmly.
He felt sick to his stomach, but he continued. "Let's not make this harder than it already is. You are the Prince of Isadora, and now, you can be even more than a king. You can be the successor to the imperial throne. The Emperor of Andromedus. Isn't that more than what you've always aspired to be?"
"So us... what we have... it means nothing to you?"
"That's not what I'm saying. But the people of Isadora — no, all the people of Andromedus, they need you. Our lives are bound by duty, and that obligation outweighs our fleeting desires. That is the path that was carved for us."
Charles raised his voice. "I told you I don't believe in that nonsense. Who said that fulfilling our duties is mutually exclusive to us being together?"
Benjamin didn't respond.
"Tomorrow is just the announcement, nothing has been formally agreed. The formal engagement is in three months. There's time for me to fix this," Charles said firmly, before lowering his voice.
"I spoke to the Emperor. That I didn't want to go through with the engagement. He respected my decision. It's my parents! They–they won't allow it. But, I will find a way. I just… I just want you to trust me… I just want to be with you… I just wish… I just wish you would understand that I'm trying my best… for us."
Benjamin's heart was heavy, but seeing Charles like this pained him more. "Charles… I… I do not want you to burden yourself. Seeing you like this, it pains me. If this is the path chosen for you, I will do whatever I can to support you. I will accept it, and so should you…"
After a moment of silence, Benjamin spoke again. "It will make everything easier. It's what's best for you. I want that for you. I want you to have a bright future. You know, I can see it… Emperor Charles Ione Asterion. You would look magnificent with the crown. And, you'll be a great ruler, just like Emperor Farrokh."
"Ben… don't say that, please… I said I can fix this," Charles pleaded, tears welling in his eyes. "Not being with you… hurts. I'm angry and sad all the time. My heart aches and it feels so hollow and empty that ometimes I wonder if it's still there…"
"Will you… hold me… Just for tonight?" Charles asked.
Before Benjamin could answer, there was a knock at the door. Benjamin went to check. It was Felix.
"Princess Shirin is at the end of the hallway. We asked her to wait there. She wishes to speak to Charles."
"Tell her, I am… already asleep," Charles said from across the room.
"We did, she demands we wake you up," Felix replied.
"Felix, that was a command," Charles spoke firmly.
Felix stepped away and motioned for Calix to help him. Benjamin shut the door quietly.
"Charles, you should talk to her. I will wait for you here. There's nowhere for me to go anyways." Benjamin feigned a small laugh to reassure him.
He was worried for Charles. After his observations of Shirin and from what Sofia had told him about Shirin's grudges, he didn't want Charles to bear the brunt of her anger.
"No. I'm sick of this, Ben."
"Charles, you're just speaking to her. There's no harm in that," Benjamin said gently.
"I can't. If I talk to her now, I will be—"
Benjamin lowered himself, placing his face in front of Charles, and kissed him. He could taste the salt of tears on Charles's lips. Their lips remained desperately entwined and clinging to each other as if they could stop the world from turning if they only held on long enough.
Benjamin pulled back and said gently, "Charles, go.
"Charles stood up slowly, still taken back by the sudden kiss.
"I will," he replied, before drawing Benjamin into a tight embrace for another long kiss.
Their lips moved with hungry desire, making up for lost time and saying the things left unsaid. They clung to each other, hands tangled in clothes and hair, pulling their bodies so close as if to defy the distance the world demanded.
When they drew back, they locked eyes. Charles admired Benjamin's hazel eyes—blue in the center and, in the dim light, dark green on the edges. There was a gravity in them that grounded him. And whenever Benjamin looked into Charles's violet eyes, he found a light, a light capable of reaching even his darkest shadows.
"You better go," Benjamin reminded him softly. Charles gave a sad smile, nodded, and left.
Benjamin watched him go, feeling an urge to pull him back, but he resisted. I can't do that. I won't do that. I will not be an obstacle for Charles, he thought.
Once my assignment is over, I will travel to Shen Zhou
Maybe I will start a mobile clinic.
Or, I can teach classes in a small town.
I can do whatever I want...when the assignment is over.
It will be over soon… I hope it is all over soon.
Benjamin washed up and lay in bed. Charles had not returned. He tried to hold back his tears, but the tears he had bottled up overflowed. He silently sobbed, until everything faded to black, and he fell asleep.