Chapter 160: The Time Machine
By the time Ethan returned to the apartment after work that evening, it was already fairly late.
The moment he pushed open the living room door, he stopped in his tracks.
The four scientists were all standing in the middle of the room.
Focused.
Intense.
Practically glowing with excitement.
And at the center of their formation stood a gigantic machine.
It occupied the most important piece of real estate in the entire living room.
Its overall design looked like something a late nineteenth-century scientist might have created after staying awake for three consecutive nights while suffering a mild psychological breakdown.
Steampunk.
Excessive ornamentation.
And an almost abstract level of obsessive madness.
The machine's centerpiece was an outrageously oversized red velvet high-backed chair.
Behind it stood a massive circular dial, covered in symmetrical patterns, scrolling vines, and geometric decorations intricate enough to make anyone vaguely uncomfortable.
The face of the dial was packed with markings.
Some were labeled Time.
Others were labeled Fate.
The rest appeared to be options that nobody on Earth could possibly understand.
A thick metal pointer rested at the exact center.
All four men were completely absorbed by the machine.
None of them had even noticed Ethan entering the apartment.
"Hey," Ethan said. "What exactly is going on here?"
All four heads snapped around simultaneously.
---
Ethan stared at the thing for two seconds.
"...Pretty cool."
In reality, he had absolutely no idea what was supposed to be cool about it.
"How much did it cost?"
"Eight hundred dollars," Raj answered.
"We split it four ways."
"Leonard won it in an online auction," Howard added. "We wanted to ask if you wanted in, but the auction ended too quickly."
"Oh."
Ethan nodded and produced a suitably disappointed expression.
"What a shame."
"I honestly just placed a random bid," Leonard hurriedly explained.
"I thought there was no way it'd sell for less than a thousand dollars."
"I only wanted to participate in the auction."
"And then..."
He spread his hands.
"...I actually won."
"That's lucky."
Ethan glanced at the machine again.
"So how did you get this thing upstairs?"
"Basic physics."
Leonard waved dismissively, clearly unwilling to elaborate.
Ethan looked around the room.
"Are you seriously planning to keep it here?"
"Doesn't it seem a little..."
He searched for the right word.
"...in the way?"
"I don't understand your concern."
Sheldon immediately objected.
"Based on my calculations, its placement is entirely practical and will not interfere with any normal daily activities."
"Exactly."
Leonard nodded vigorously.
"This is officially the coolest thing I've ever owned."
Raj folded his arms and drifted into fantasy mode.
"Absolutely."
"The guy next door is always bragging about his hot tub."
"Now I can tell him..."
"...that I have a time machine in my apartment."
---
"Gentlemen."
Sheldon cleared his throat.
"I understand that our original agreement was to rotate ownership."
"However, I believe we can all acknowledge that rotating ownership is not logistically feasible."
He paused dramatically.
"Therefore, I propose that it remain here permanently."
Ethan couldn't help staring at Sheldon.
The last time Sheldon had used the word permanently, he had been sick in Germany and had declared he would never leave Ethan's side.
Apparently this enormous, inconvenient metal monstrosity had now achieved the same level of importance.
"You can't just keep it for yourself!"
Howard immediately protested.
"What if I meet a girl and say—"
He adopted his most seductive voice.
"'Would you like to see my time machine?'"
"'Oh, by the way, it's not at my place. It's at my friend's apartment.'"
"Do you realize how pathetic that sounds?"
"He's right," Raj agreed.
Sheldon ignored them.
"I believe we should first establish a basic set of rules."
He raised one finger.
"Rule one: shoes are prohibited inside the time machine."
A second finger.
"Rule two: food and beverages are prohibited inside the time machine."
Then a third.
"And I would also propose—"
He paused for emphasis.
"—that pants be mandatory while operating the time machine."
"I second that motion!" Leonard said immediately.
Howard looked personally attacked.
"I was planning to put a towel down!"
Good Lord.
Ethan could no longer tolerate the conversation.
"Howard," he said, "if a girl is actually willing to come to your apartment to see your time machine..."
"...I don't think getting her to take her clothes off is going to be your biggest challenge."
Howard looked at him seriously.
"You consistently underestimate me."
"Alright, alright."
Leonard cut in before the argument could continue.
"Everybody move aside."
"You're blocking access to my time machine."
With the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning, he climbed into the oversized chair.
Everyone crowded around him.
Everyone except Ethan.
"Okay."
Leonard began fiddling with the controls.
"I'm setting the destination to..."
"...March 10th, 1876."
Just then—
The apartment door flew open.
Penny stormed inside.
She looked furious.
"Thank you all so much!"
She pointed toward the hallway.
"That distance you claimed was 'only three feet wide' caused me to slip and nearly destroy my knee!"
"Are you okay?" Leonard asked automatically.
"I'm not finished!"
Penny snapped.
"Second, the stairwell door to the next building was locked!"
"So I had to use the fire escape!"
"And the fire escape only went down to the third floor!"
"What happened then?" Howard asked.
"What happened?"
Penny's outrage intensified.
"I had to climb through the window of a very friendly Armenian family!"
"And they wouldn't let me leave until I'd eaten lunch with them!"
"That doesn't sound so bad," Leonard muttered.
"Eight pounds of lamb!"
Penny glared at him.
"And they spent the entire meal trying to set me up with their son!"
"Sorry..." Leonard said weakly.
"I'm still not finished!"
Penny continued.
"By the time I finally got to the restaurant, they'd already given my shift to somebody else."
"I lost an entire day's pay because of..."
She pointed at the machine.
"...that thing."
She paused, unable to find the proper term.
The room fell silent.
"Um..."
Leonard pointed helpfully at the machine behind him.
"The time machine."
Penny stared at him.
"The lights blink."
"The tray spins."
"Would you like to try it?"
"Hell no!"
Penny practically shouted.
"I do not want to try it!"
"You're grown men!"
"How can you waste your lives playing with stupid toys, ridiculous costumes, comic books, and..."
She pointed again.
"...this!"
She faltered once more.
"Time machine," Sheldon supplied helpfully.
"Oh, please."
Penny laughed coldly.
"That's not a time machine."
"That thing looks like a tractor."
"The kind people use on farms."
"It cannot perform agricultural labor."
Sheldon immediately objected.
"It is capable only of temporal transportation."
"Try living in reality!"
Penny shouted.
"This is pathetic!"
"All of you!"
"Seriously..."
"...pathetic."
She slammed the door behind her and disappeared into the apartment across the hall.
The living room fell silent.
---
Ethan had been caught in the crossfire despite having absolutely nothing to do with any of it.
Looking at the four men, he quickly pieced together what had happened.
They had obviously blocked the hallway while moving the "time machine."
Penny had been forced to take a detour.
She slipped.
Got trapped by a locked stairwell.
Ended up climbing through a stranger's window.
Was force-fed lunch.
Nearly acquired an Armenian boyfriend.
And lost an entire day's wages.
The only upside seemed to be the free meal.
Ethan sighed.
"I'll go check on her."
"Are you sure?" Leonard asked hesitantly.
"She's... pretty angry right now."
"I know."
Ethan was already heading for the door.
"At the very least, I want to make sure she didn't actually hurt her knee."