Summary:Ophelia Potter has been hiding her transition for three years. She lets everyone believe she is a boy. She binds her chest, bottles her emotions and doesn't let anyone know who she is.
Daphne Greengrass and the TriWixen Tournament change everything. Her comfort zone is long gone. Ron won't so much as look at her and Hermione's not paying her any mind.
So when a group of harsh yet kind Slytherins offer friendship, she finds herself accepting it quite readily.
[DROPPED]
Notes:(See the end of the work for notes.)
Chapter 1: Snakes in the OwleryChapter TextYear 4.
Harry Potter is a closeted trans girl who is transitioning but has made sure absolutely nobody knows (bar Madam Pomfrey and one or two exceptions.)
She's become rather riddled with anxiety, nerves, and worry. Constantly afraid, constantly uncertain, constantly doubting herself.
So of course, Daphne Greengrass steps in.
~Potter x Greengrass~
CW: Self-Hate, Self-Deprecation, Depression, Internalized Transphobia, Bullying, Misgendering & Deadnaming (unintentional)
This kid needs therapy.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
Snakes In The Owlery
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 5th, 1994
Ophelia sniffed a bit as she finished sealing her letter to Sirius. She knew he'd want to know how she's doing in the aftermath of the Tournament being announced - with her as the Fourth Champion, no less. Hopefully he'd have advice on how not to get herself killed. Maybe if she fainted after it started that'd be enough. She was certainly terrified enough for it.
Ron had been… horrible. Genuinely, utterly horrible. Usually he was fairly understanding, if a bit thick. But he seemed to have gotten it in his head that she wantedthis, which in Ophelia's opinion was utterly mad. But her voice wouldn't come to her the last few nights when he snarked and scathed, so she couldn't defend herself at all.
Hermione had been… better. She seemed intent on ignoring Ron outright and spending a lot of her time with Ophelia. That wasn't so bad, but she was worried Hermione doubted her, too. So most of the time - if she could help it - Ophelia just spent time with the two inter-house friends she had; Phoebe Boot and Hannah Abbott.
Though today she'd had to brave going up to the dorms to write and prepare the letter. Thankfully, Ron wasn't there. Not until she was about to leave, anyway.
With her favorite charcoal jumper, jeans, and trainers on, she liked that the look was fairly androgynous. With her short-cut hair and the use of the makeup and voice altering spell she always applied in the bathroom each morning, she knew nobody would mistake her for a girl, but she looked 'girly' by the standards of the boys. That was plenty for her. Besides, she just had to survive another four years of school and then she'd be able to pretend Harry Potter vanished into thin air while 'Ophelia' appeared out of seemingly nowhere.
Ron regarded her with the look of disbelieving annoyance he'd taken to using lately, while Ophelia stiffened, pursed her lips, tucked her head down and ran out past him. She didn't want to listen to his scathing remarks - not then.
After rushing down the stairs that were thankfully notenchanted to kick girls out the way the girl's were for boys, she hurried out of the Common Room. Nobody seemed to give her a second glance, but then again they were also probably looking for the usual baggy clothes she wore. She silently thanked Madam Malkin's for having begun to stock Muggle Clothes, because it meant a quick handful of trips during the summer got her plenty of clothes to last. Though she'd also found something that had been a lifesaver - Madam Malkin said it was called a binder.
Apparently they were magically enchanted in the Wixen world, but like their Muggle counterparts they were perfect for flattening one's chest. Considering Ophelia's own 'growth' in the last year, she knew just baggy clothes wouldn't have cut it, so she bought three and pretended they were for a friend. Whether Madam Malkin believed her, she didn't know - but they certainly felt much more comfortable than the bandages and double sports bras she'd been using.
It didn't take long to get to the Owlery Tower, though she grimaced at the thought of climbing so many stairs. Her legs were short and with the binder she had a tendency to run short of breath. Still, it needed to be done. Hopefully nobody would be up there.
After the usual ten minute trek up the stairs, she opened the door to the Owlery only to find someone else wasthere. On top of that, they were petting Hedwig.
That was already enough to make Ophelia nervous and anxious, but then she saw the color of the scarf the girl who was petting Hedwig wore. Green and silver.
Slytherin.
Every single one of Malfoy's jeers and Ron's warnings ran through her head at once. She became tense as she immediately stepped backwards, hoping the girl hadn't noticed her. Ophelia needed to run. Now. She could come back later - the girl obviously wasn't going to hurt Hedwig. But Ophelia knew better than to be alone with a Slytherin. She valued her safety.
The girl turned to face her. Her hair was blonde and she had a rather pretty face with silvery-gray eyes. Normally Ophelia would immediately flush at the thought of such a pretty girl looking at her, but right then she felt very, very small.
"Potter?" She asked with a bit of surprise, causing Ophelia to suck in her breath.
"Uh… that's my owl," she managed weakly. She wanted to hit herself. Yes, Ophelia. Genius idea. Tell the Slytherin she's petting your owl. Are you trying to get yourself or Hedwig hurt?
The girl blinked a couple times as she looked at Hedwig, who had noticed Ophelia and leapt off the girl's arm and flew over to Ophelia, landing on her shoulder and ruffling her feathers. She took a slow breath, as deep as she could with the binder. Hedwig always was good at helping her relax.
She handed the letter to Hedwig, who took it in her beak and nuzzled Ophelia affectionately before leaping off her shoulder and flying past the Slytherin girl before flying out the open window. The moment she saw Hedwig go out the window, Ophelia turned and went to leave the room. She'd much rather not talk to a Slytherin girl who'd just bully her - not if she could help it. She just wanted to go find some corner to gather herself and maybe eventually find Hermione, Phoebe or Hannah so she could relax. This was far too much stress for her in one day.
Before she could so much as get out of the doorway, however, the other girl grabbed her hand, "Hey, wait!"
Ophelia recoiled violently, yanking her hand out of the girl's grasp, pinning herself against a wall, and cursing the fact she left her wand in the dorm as she looked and felt much like a deer in headlights.
The girl actually looked a bit hurt, "Uh… sorry. I just wanted to talk."
Ophelia swallowed the knot in her throat, "Uh… I just… I just wanted to send my letter…"
"Oh! Um… who-who were you writing to?" The other girl asked, wincing a bit.
Ophelia's brow furrowed as she slowly pulled away from the wall, heavily intent on bolting the moment she could, "My godfather." Technically it was the truth. It had been made a public lie that Remus was her godfather so that she could just send letters to Sirius and - if anyone asked - say they were for Remus when they were actually addressed to 'My Godfather'.
"Oh! Professor Lupin, right? He was quite nice last year. A shame what happened…"
Ophelia's brow furrowed as she tried to wrap her head around it. Malfoy always claimed that Lupin - being a werewolf - was some sort of problem or half-breed.
"Uh… Yes, it is. It was nice having him at Hogwarts," she replied, slightly untensing. Though not completely. She had no idea what this girl was thinking.
The girl nodded and seemed to be rather pleased, "Right! Oh! Don't know if you recognized me, but I'm Daphne - er, Greengrass. Dunno if Dennis Creevey mentioned my sister to you, ever? Astoria? She and him are friends - same year."
Ophelia winced, "I, um… don't talk to the Creeveys. They're too enamored by…" She gave a weak shrug and pointed at her forehead.
Daphne winced, "Oh, damn… that sucks. Oh, um… since I know it'll upset you, uh, figured I'd give you a warning. Draco is… well, he's making these badges… they say not-nice things about you."
Ophelia blinked, and her shoulders slumped. She'd rather expected something like this, honestly. But it still hurt. "Oh… I guess you'll be wearing them, too?" She asked, not really caring about the slightly bitter twinge to her tone. Zacharias Smith, Isobel MacDougal, and Leanne Valiance had all said or done rather unkind things to her in the past after being friendly, so she wasn't surprised that Daphne was going to be the same.
Daphne looked a bit shocked and hurt, "What? No! Honestly, most of us don't care about you."
Ophelia pursed her lips, "Yeah. I knew that much." She turned and left before Greengrass could say anything else - or see the tears forming in her eyes. She should've known better than to bother talking to a Slytherin. Ron was right - the bastard.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 7th, 1994
Monday was a slog, like usual. Ophelia was just thankful she didn't have to worry about Potions.
Transfiguration with the 'Claws was fine, and Ancient Runes was pleasant - though she was rather sure that Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini were shooting glares in her direction, so she ended up more hunched in on herself than usual. If Hermione noticed, she didn't say anything - which of course made Ophelia feel even more like shit.
After a relatively uneventful Double Herbology with the 'Puffs and a quick lunch, she headed off to History - not bothering to wait for Ron or Hermione. Ron of course wasn't talking to them anyways, and Hermione was too engrossed in checking over what of the homework she'd already done for Ancient Runes.
The classroom was relatively empty this early, which she was grateful for. Though unfortunately she'd gotten too early - Malfoy was there.
"Well, well, well, Potter. Finally realized that you should do something about working on your education?" Malfoy drawled. Ophelia pursed her lips and pointedly tried to ignore him, moving to try and take a seat at the front of class - where he tended to avoid.
Malfoy got in her way, "Hey, now. Surely you weren't about to miss out on seeing these beauties?" He puffed out his chest while Ophelia shifted and curled in on herself reflexively. On his chest she saw a badge glowing a faint yellow and reading 'Support Cedric Diggory: The Real Hogwarts Champion.' If that was all they said, then she had to wonder what it was that Greengrass had meant about 'not-nice things'. If anything Ophelia quite agreed with the badge.
"Oh… they're nice," she muttered distractedly, a bit too uncomfortable and anxious to try and push past him like usual. She bitterly wished she wasn't having a row with Ron - if she weren't, he'd shove Malfoy for her or cause some sort of ruckus.
Malfoy seemed a bit taken aback before his sneer returned, "Bet you can't wait to see what else they can do!" He pressed the button and it changed, glowing a faint green and reading 'Potter Stinks: Liar and Cheater!'
Ah, so that was what Greengrass meant. Ophelia didn't even have the energy to cry - though for that she was grateful. The last time she'd cried in front of Malfoy it hadn't ended well - for her. He'd teased her about it for months.
Instead she just swallowed the lump in her throat, walked around him and sat at one of the empty front desks, ignoring his cackles and the chuckles of his friends as she set up her notes and writing supplies. Hopefully Binns' drone didn't put her to sleep today. She'd rather like to get notes for more than half the period's worth of lecture.
Before long, other students started to arrive, but before Hermione or maybe Neville could sit next to Ophelia, Greengrass took the seat next to her. Ophelia stiffened but made sure to focus on her paper - it didn't matter where the other girl sat, but she didn't want to talk to her. Besides, surely Greengrass felt the same, seeing as she 'didn't care about' Ophelia.
Hermione caught her eye from nearby, but Ophelia just gave a half-hearted shrug and went back to looking at her notes and waiting for Binns. Idly she realized that Ron was probably staring at her like she was out of her mind - well, maybe she was. That'd certainly be preferable to some of the circumstances she was in.
"Hey," a voice came from her right. Ophelia stiffened and pursed her lips - it was Greengrass.
Despite the fact that every facet of her wanted to ignore Greengrass or ask her to shove off, she replied with a more clipped, "Yes?" As she wasn't looking at Greengrass, she saw Nott and Zabini give her pointed glares again. It seemed she wasn't wrong about it happening in Ancient Runes, after all. Though she did find it strange that they were glaring at her but didn't have those badges on.
"Potter, please. I just wanted to tell you something."
Ophelia sighed softly. She wished she had the strength or confidence to just say 'no' or something. Ron and Hermione certainly had no trouble with it.
She slowly turned to face Greengrass, fighting down her urge to run or just curl up into a ball. "Yes?" She asked again, trying to say as little as possible to prevent her emotions from coloring her voice. She'd noticed she had a tendency to get all warbly when she was especially emotional, and sometimes it affected her Voice Altering Charm - that wouldn't do.
Greengrass looked a little pained, though Ophelia noticed she wasn't wearing one of the badges. Admittedly she'd claimed she wouldn't be, but Ophelia had written that off as a lie so that Greengrass could get on her good side. "Look… I put my foot in my mouth on Saturday. I didn't say what I meant to."
Ophelia pursed her lips, but didn't say anything. Mostly because she was bitter, but also because she really didn't know what to say to that.
Greengrass grimaced, "I… what I meant to say then was that most of us don't care about deriding you the way Draco does. There's no point in it - it's not like you're a bad person. A bit skittish, but…" She shrugged, fiddling with her quill.
Ophelia pursed her lips tighter. She knew that technicallyit would be good manners to accept the apology and move on, but her personal experiences with Slytherin and Ron's warnings echoed in her mind. She thought about it over a few moments, before realizing Binns appeared.
She decided to make a snap decision - based on the fact that Greengrass hadn't worn a badge.
"Okay. I… I'm sorry I ran away," she replied softly before avidly focusing on the class. She was adamant not to fall asleep today.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
She'd been successful. Mostly. Dozed at one point, but managed to pinch herself awake. Greengrass gave her a strange look about it, but Ophelia paid her no mind.
When class was over she was grateful they had a free period next, rather relieved she'd be able to find some alcove to maybe curl up in and work on some homework.
Those plans, however, were dashed almost immediately when Nott, Zabini, and another Slytherin girl she vaguely recognized as Tracey Davis all came up to the table where she sat with Greengrass. Ophelia hadn't had a chance to finish packing up yet, so she was very much feeling like she'd been trapped.
Almost by reflex she drew in on herself, her legs shot up to have their feet on the chair and her hand gripped her wand under her cloak. Zabini rolled his eyes and Nott looked utterly contemptuous while Davis seemed bored at best.
"Huh? Oh, hey you lot," Greengrass greeted them amicably as she finished packing her things. When she noticed how tense and curled up Ophelia was, however, she frowned. "Something wrong, Potter?"
Nott shook his head, "Don't know why you're bothering with him, Daph. He barely looked at you during class. We should go and you need to stop wasting your time on him - he's a coward!"
Ophelia pursed her lips, but didn't stand up for herself or disagree. He was right, after all. She still didn't understand why the damned Hat put her in Gryffindor. She was hardly 'brave'. More 'stupid, cowardly and reckless'.
"Theo's got a point, Daph. Any guy who can't treat girls with respect isn't worth your time," Zabini added, and Ophelia had to fight the urge to snort. If only he knew.
Greengrass seemed a bit put-out, "He's right here, guys. And I told you numbskulls that I was the one who put her foot in her mouth. Potter just got upset and left - and after I explained myself, he apologized! Merlin, quit being such prats."
Ophelia kept her mouth shut, mostly because she was more inclined to agree with Zabini and Nott than she was Greengrass. Though since they seemed distracted, she uncurled her legs and let go of her wand so she could quickly organize her things. She just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, however, Davis seemed to have other plans. She had a mischievous grin as she slammed her hand on Ophelia's textbook, stopping her from packing it away. Ophelia froze as panic rushed through her.
"U-um, I was just packing up… can you please let go?" She tried to be polite, if only because - like the others - Davis didn't have a badge on. She was actually almost starting to believe Greengrass about the claim that most of them didn't care about being mean to her.
"What? Daphne took an interest in you, so sue me, but I'd like to know why you're so content being rude to others when they just want to talk to you," Davis drawled, a lazy grin on her face. Nott, Zabini, and Greengrass were looking over as well - Greengrass with mild concern and interest, the boys with rather unkind smiles.
Ophelia looked at the textbook with a bit of sadness. It was the only bit she hadn't gotten into her pack - she'd been so close to freedom, but now they were basically holding her hostage.
Once again, like clockwork, Ron's warnings about Slytherin echoed in her mind.
"Haven't you heard the rumors? I'm a coward who can't respect people," she found herself saying listlessly. While Phoebe and Hannah had definitely been outliers, she'd learned that vocalizing her hatred for herself and being overall negative was a good way to get people who didn't know her to leave her alone.
Bitterly, she wished Hermione hadn't left. But her best friend had apparently deemed fit to up and vanish. Well, she'd had her suspicions about Hermione doubting her - maybe consorting with Slytherins was enough to do the trick and make her lose faith.
Davis actually recoiled a bit in shock, which gave Ophelia a bit of grim satisfaction. She just shoved the textbook into her pack, stood up, and immediately walked out as quickly as she could, not wanting to run since it would just leave her utterly exhausted with her binder.
Once she'd made it far enough down the hall, she slipped inside an empty classroom, shut the door, cast a Locking Charm and made it about five steps in before she began to sob.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
At dinner, Ophelia ate alone - or, well, away from anyone in her year. She was beginning to drift away from most everyone, and bitterly felt as if she deserved it. After all, she'd basically ruined everything for everyone when whatever psychopath put her name in the cup did so. She couldn't even bother to look Hannah in the eye all day - after all, Diggory was the one meant to be Hogwarts' Champion. A Hufflepuff. Hannah definitely wouldn't want to look at or be around her. Not when their House was finally supposed to be getting its dues, and she'd gone and fucked it up.
When she got to the Common Rooms after dinner all she wanted to do was just go to the dorms and lie down, but she didn't have the energy to climb the stairs. So instead she sank into one of the couches and sighed softly before pulling her pack up close and curling up, hoping nobody would bother her.
Of course, she was the bloody 'Boy'-Who-Lived, so there was a fat chance of that happening.
"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked, causing Ophelia to open her eyes and regard her friend.
She looked at Hermione thoughtfully, not sure what to say.
"... 'm fine," she muttered weakly. Any anger she'd had against Hermione had long since dissipated. She just felt tired. It had been such a slog of a day, and the events with the Slytherins in History had hardly made it remotely tolerable.
Hermione's worry became more visible as she sat next to Ophelia on the couch, "Harry… you were practically surrounded by Slytherins when I left History."
Ophelia nodded, "Yes. You left." It wasn't venomous or even bitter. She was more just… stating it. Even so, Hermione looked as if she'd been struck.
"Harry, you know I had Care!" She defended hotly.
Ophelia nodded, "Yes. I know. But it doesn't take more than a few seconds to step in and help."
Hermione frowned a bit, "Well… they didn't have the badges, and you seemed alright around Greengrass…"
Ophelia pursed her lips. Hermione wasn't wrong… even so, she couldn't help but wish the girl would just leave her alone for the night.
"Harry… I'm worried about you. You've been acting much quieter than usual lately, and with the Tournament and Ron…"
Ophelia shrugged, "I'll just forfeit the Tournament. They need us to participate, but I read some books. I don't need to try my best or succeed. I can just quit part way through each Task and I'll be fine. Ron is… he'll come 'round." She shifted uncomfortably, tightening her grip on her pack. She really didn't like talking about people behind their backs - it happened enough to her that she knew how shitty it felt. Besides, Ron wasn't exactly wrong to be upset with her. Sure she wasn't lying, but he'd been struggling with his confidence for ages. He just needed time to cool off.
Hermione looked even more concerned, "Harry, I–"
"It's late, Hermione," Ophelia interrupted a bit stiffly. Aching legs and struggles breathing be damned - she wanted to go to bed. She got up and didn't give Hermione a second look before she strode past her, gritted her teeth, and ascended the stairs to the fourth year boy's dorm.
Thankfully nobody else was in, so she was able to shower and change in peace. As much as she loved how her growth and changes were going, she grimaced at the visible red marks from where her binder had pressed against her for the past twelve hours. Her pajamas were, at least, good at hiding her figure. The pants were a size too large on purpose, and on top she intentionally wore a thick sweater over the pajama shirt - that helped, especially when she hunched over and was quick to get in bed. Then all she had to do was draw the curtains, make sure the opacity was at full so nobody could see her, and lie down to get some much-needed sleep.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
The next morning, after her usual swift morning ablutions and also making sure her binder was on securely, Ophelia left the dorm pretty early - 2 hours before usual. Since breakfast was served even then, she felt it was fine. Apparently it was for an hour and a half for the early risers, and only consisted of one of the tables - it evidently varied each day.
When she got to the Great Hall, she was relieved to see that nobody she knew was there, but the Ravenclaw table indeed had been set up with food - a few students glanced her way but didn't give her more than that passing look. She took care to sit at one end, far away from anyone, and filled her plate with some basic toast, bacon, and potatoes. With a bit of the apple jam, the toast tasted great and so did the rest - she had to suppress a soft groan of relief, before grimacing. Whenever she had to do that, it meant she'd just satisfied a craving… that meant her cycle was going to hit in the next couple of days. Of course. Just her luck.
She kept eating and tried not to internally grouse too much about her lot in life when two students sat by her sides. She stiffened when she realized who they were - Nott and Zabini. Mere moments later, Greengrass and Davis sat across from her. A massive pit opened up in her stomach and she fervently wished to be anywhere but where she was. Nobody said anything to her, so she kept her gaze intensely focused on her breakfast. Maybe they'd leave her be. Maybe it was an intimidation tactic or something. Maybe it was to guilt her for something she did yesterday. Payback was also an option that ran through her head. She began to feel like she was just eating cardboard about halfway through her potatoes. Not even cravings could settle the anxiety swelling within.
Eventually Nott cleared his throat in what was clear irritation, and she knew she couldn't ignore them any longer. They'd probably hit her if she did - Merlin knows Ron and Hermione already swatted her whenever she spaced out.
"Hi," she managed weakly, still keeping her gaze stalwartly focused on her meal. "Hope I didn't take your spot or something," she managed to sound genuinely apologetic, because it had crossed her mind when they'd sat down. So if that was the case, then she did indeed feel bad.
Zabini huffed at that, "That's not why he did that, Potter. How about you actually look at us? It's considered common decency."
Ophelia knew that was a crock. She'd only ever been told to not look at people - it was rude to look, rude to stare. She decided to say as much.
"It's rude to look at people. I try not to do it if I can help it," she muttered, putting another bite of bacon in her mouth. It should have tasted good - usually she loved salty foods. But it just felt like work to chew and swallow.
"I… what? That– no. It's rude to stare, but it's considered polite to look at someone when talking to them," Davis sounded utterly appalled, and Ophelia shrank in on herself.
"Sorry," she muttered, now no longer bothering to eat. She just poked idly at the potatoes with her fork. This sucked.
"Potter, are… are you alright?" Greengrass asked tentatively, and Ophelia tensed.
"'M fine. Why wouldn't I be? I'm a famous Champion," she replied sarcastically and bitterly, indirectly quoting all of Ron's comments. How he felt it was unfair and stupid for her to be upset and afraid when she had fame, fortune, and plenty of opportunities to 'prove herself'. She stabbed a potato somewhat angrily before the emotion quickly dissipated and her shoulders sagged a bit. "Sorry… I should keep my mouth shut."
Nott actually sounded rather uncomfortable when he spoke up next, "You… you do know that we believe you didn't put your name in the Goblet, right?"
She jerked up, finally looking at him in shock. He seemed a bit surprised at her reaction. "You do?" She asked breathlessly as her voice shook, a bit of hope rising in her. She'd been hoping someone might actually believe her, and say as much. Hermione never really confirmed whether she had, so she'd had her doubts.
Nott seemed a bit stunned as he regarded her a bit apprehensively, "Uh… yeah. Wasn't it obvious by us not wearing the badges?"
Ophelia flushed a bit as she pulled back - she hadn't realized she'd leaned in a bit in her excitement. Even so, she felt so much better, and the dull throb had vanished.
"Sorry… but, um. Thank you - all of you. That… it means a lot, really," she managed, now not focusing solely on her meal. She still couldn't look anyone in the eye - that never happened even with Ron or Hermione. But they all seemed very surprised at her sudden shift in attitude.
"Uh… yeah, sure," Davis replied, not seeming like she knew what to do with herself.
Greengrass seemed like she needed to regain her bearings, "Uh… so why did you come to Early Breakfast? We usually come every morning, but we've never seen you up this early."
Ophelia grimaced a bit, "Oh… well, just… felt like if I was gonna be eating alone, I'd prefer it to be… well, quieter." She shrugged a bit self-consciously before spearing some bacon and potato on her fork and eating it.
Zabini frowned, "Alone… What about Weasley and Granger?"
Ophelia shrugged, "Ron… he's just having a moment, so I'm letting him cool off. He, ah, doesn't believe me about… about the Goblet. Not sure Hermione does, either. But she was… prying a lot last night, so I just felt like I wasn't up to seeing her." She shrugged again and resumed her meal, not noticing the looks of concern the four Slytherins shared.
"Aren't they your best friends?" Nott asked a bit skeptically, and Ophelia flushed with pride as she nodded and smiled. The thought of them being her best friends always made her happy - Hermione was absolutely brilliant, and Ron was really good at chess and plenty brave. She felt lucky to have them.
Greengrass seemed aghast, "And… they don't believe you?"
Ophelia frowned, "Well… no. But I guess they just thought it was something I'd do, and assumed I lied to them. I don't blame them for it." She shrugged again, starting to feel a little uncomfortable.
Davis looked at her with a piercing expression, "... If they told you they didn't do something, would you believe them?"
"Of course," Ophelia replied immediately. She didn't need to think about it for even a moment. She had no reason to doubt Ron or Hermione, after all.
Davis actually looked a bit crestfallen, "Then why is it okay that they don't believe you?"
Ophelia frowned, but found she didn't have an answer to that. She wasn't sure.
… why was she okay with the fact that they didn't believe her?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Probz just a Multishot. Blargh.
Discord says hi. https://discord.gg/w5k4TfFRGG
Your Kudos give Ophelia all the hugs, your Comments tell her she deserves better.
Chapter 2: The First TaskChapter TextOphelia deals with the First Task in the only feasible way she can come up with.
CW: Depression, Bullying, Internalized Transphobia, Deadnaming & Misgendering (Unintentional), Self-Hate & Self-Deprecation, Self-Harm
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
The First Task
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 26th, 1994
Ophelia looked almost listlessly at the miniature Hungarian Horntail nibbling at her finger. It was actually a bit cute, and with the glove on she didn't feel any pain at all. Bagman hadn't said whether they would vanish or something, so she was enjoying playing with it. Thankfully it wasn't breathing fire or anything - that would've gone poorly.
Almost as poorly as her resigned attitude about the Task had gone with the Slytherin kids. They seemed incredibly upset with her when she said the Task was dragons, which she found silly. She told them she was going to forfeit right away, but that only seemed to make them more upset. They kept saying that it 'wasn't the point' and that she should 'care more about herself'. What did they mean? Should she actually try? Now there was a mad idea. It didn't seem like they were angry at her, but she couldn't be sure - usually whenever Ron was angry, he shouted or yelled. Whenever Hermione was angry she tended to get huffy and give the silent treatment.
But Nott, Zabini, Davis, and Greengrass were… different. They didn't yell, or even raise their voices. They got agitated, sure, but at most it just seemed like frustration. Ophelia wasn't sure what to make of it.
The cannon blasted after the last round of cheering died down. That meant it was her turn. Lovely.
She set the little Horntail down where the other Champions had set their own miniature dragons and headed over to the flaps of the tent that would open into the arena of sorts they'd organized. Hopefully this wouldn't be too bad.
Her heart pounding as she trembled slightly, she pushed the flap open and managed to not wince from the loud cheering that deafened her ears. Considering how they'd been treating her for the last three-to-four weeks, she had a feeling most of it was fake. Unlike how she was sure Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor had done, she made no effort to wave. She was going to wait for Bagman to say 'go' and immediately forfeit.
The Horntail… well, looked as terrifying as it possibly could. The tiniest shudder ran through her, but she made no effort to grab her wand or anything. It left an immense pit in her stomach to feel so unguarded, but she couldn't risk angering it. Besides, if she did fight the thing, nevermind any wounds, if one of its way-too-many spikes scratched the wrong spot, her binder would be torn and there would go any semblance of her boy-mode. Courtesy of her family giving her the right genes for a large chest. As nice as it was, it was rather inconvenient.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Harry Potter!" Bagman's voice bellowed, amplified by what she guessed was a SonorousCharm. "He will be facing the Hungarian Horntail, attempting to retrieve the Golden Egg, just like his fellow Champions! On the count of three…"
Ophelia slightly adjusted her stance, fixing the Horntail with an uneasy glance. It glared at her angrily, but seemed to be waiting for her to move closer. So far it didn't think she was a threat. Thank goodness.
"One…"
She swallowed the lump in her throat.
"Two…"
The Horntail blinked once before its eyes narrowed as if trying to read her expression.
"Three!"
She took a deep breath and raised both empty hands.
"I forfeit!"
The arena was dead silent for several moments. The Horntail fixed her with a gaze before curling closer around its clutch of eggs, snorting.
Bagman seemed as if he didn't know what to do. "I… Mister Potter, you cannot forfeit. You must at least try!"
Ophelia shook her head, "I read the rules. I forfeit."
Bagman floundered a bit, looking to his fellow judges for help. They seemed equally stunned - Dumbledore especially looked at her with great confusion and doubt. Still, they couldn't make her do jack. Even if they used the Imperius on her, she'd resisted it well enough when Moody used it - so she knew she'd be safe.
Eventually Bagman deflated, "Very well. As a result of his forfeit, Mister Potter receives a score of zero moving into the next Task."
Feeling relieved, Ophelia headed over to the other tent that she knew to be the exit - they'd been informed of its location at the start of the event. It wasn't long before she was in the tent and letting out a shaky breath as her legs immediately gave out beneath her and she landed on her rear.
"Oh, whoops," she muttered, trying to stand up. But she couldn't. Her arms and legs had utterly given up on her. Then a hand was held out to her. She took a second to recognize it as McGonagall's before gingerly accepting it as the Professor helped her to her feet. She still was very unsteady, so the Professor gently wrapped an arm around her and led her to a seat where she was able to sit down and re-orient herself. "Thank you, Professor."
The Professor - one of the two people besides Madam Pomfrey to know her secret - looked at her with a grave expression. "That was an incredibly wise choice, Potter."
Ophelia nodded slightly, "Yeah… nobody believed me, so… I figured this was the best way to convince them. Though, I guess they might think I'm trying to get attention by not doing anything…"
McGonagall pursed her lips, "I have seen you aren't speaking much to Mister Weasley or Miss Granger… is everything alright?"
Ophelia shrugged, "'Course. I mean, Ron's a bit angry, but he'll come 'round. He's… he's just taking a while. Hermione… Well, she's not happy with me. Says I'm too reckless. Don't really think she believes me. I've, um… been alright, though. Spending time with… with some others." She didn't feel comfortable calling the Slytherin kids 'friends'. Not that they were bad people or anything, but they weren't on a first-name basis with her and both Nott and Zabini still didn't like how 'cowardly' and 'disrespectful' she was. She could already hear the tirades they'd go on. Maybe she should just avoid them…
McGonagall seemed pained, "I have seen you spending time with Miss Greengrass and the others… but if you're sure…"
Ophelia nodded, "'Course, 'course… oh, there they are…"
Greengrass was at the head of the quartet as they rushed over and she put her hands on Ophelia's face, forcing her to look Greengrass in the eye. She immediately felt immensely uncomfortable.
"Greengrass, this is a bit-"
"Shut it," she growled, and Ophelia flinched. She immediately wanted to be anywhere else, but she was surrounded. Instead she just kept still and hoped a gap in the formation would open soon - noticing that McGonagall stepped aside but didn't exactly leave the tent.
After she looked Ophelia in the eye for several moments, she let go, "Do you have no regard for yourself?"
Ophelia blinked at her exasperated tone, "Er… I just forfeited. I was fine. I stayed out of range of the dragon, I made sure it was allowed in the rules, I didn't let Bagman push me around, I…" She floundered, uncertain. "I don't get it. I did everything right."
Zabini scowled, "You're a bloody idiot. We were panicking this whole time, thinking you'd get hurt or in trouble. We were worried about you because you would have to be around the dragon to begin with. But you were being so… so…"
"Blasé," Nott supplied.
"Exactly! How would you feel if we were in danger and didn't act like it bothered us?"
Ophelia shifted uncomfortably, "Well… I'd be worried." She didn't know why they asked stuff like this. They did it a lot. It felt like they were accusing her of not valuing herself. She did. That's why she forfeited in the first place.
Davis sighed as she sat in the chair next to Ophelia, "And we'd also be worried about ourselves. So why weren't you worried?"
Ophelia shrugged weekly and began focusing studiously on her nails, "Well… I had a plan… I was going to forfeit…" Her argument was starting to sound flimsy, even to her.
Greengrass lifted her chin again, "Please just look at us, Harry."
Ophelia paused. They'd used her first name - well, the one from her deadname. "I… I thought you didn't want to…"
Nott rolled his eyes, "What, that we didn't want to use your first name? We were waiting for you to get more comfortable around us. Obviously it's not that easy, but we're starting to realize you need our help. Badly."
Ophelia flushed, "I… thanks, um.. Th-Theo?"
He nodded, "There you go."
She felt kind of embarrassed. It was just a name… she was so stupid to be getting embarrassed over it. Besides, it wasn't like they'd ever use the name she wanted them to use.
Though then she heard a voice that shook her.
"HARRY!"
Hermione.
She shoved past the Slytherins and drew Ophelia into a hug, causing Ophelia to flinch. She never liked being hugged, but especially not lately. With her binder on and often causing at least a small bump to her chest, it would have been far too easy to get found out. Hermione didn't seem to notice, though.
"Oh, I've been such a horrible friend! I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have doubted you!"
Before Ophelia could reply, Zabini - Blaise - butted in, "Yes. You were. Harry, actually think before you accept the apology, would you?"
Ophelia looked at him a bit stunned, though felt odd when Hermione looked chagrined. "I– but she apologized," she objected weakly.
"Would you forgive Malfoy if he apologized?"
"Uh… um… yes?" She replied uncertainly, causing Nott - no, Theo - to narrow his eyes at her.
"Why?" He asked, studying her expression carefully.
"Well… she apologized. And in your uh, scenario, Malfoy apologized. So… that means I have to forgive them," she replied, confused. Wasn't that common sense?
Hermione frowned as she pulled away, "Harry… I was really mean to you with that. I upset you - I didn't believe you when you were honest with me. I know how stupid it is for me to tell you not to forgive me - at least not easily - but… you're allowed to be upset, you know that, right?"
Ophelia shifted uncomfortably, "But… we're friends. You apologized."
Hermione exchanged looks with the Slytherins, "I… I'm going to go make sure the Gryffindors don't react badly, Harry. Just…" She gave her another tight hug, "Please value yourself more."
She pulled away before smiling weakly and heading out while Blaise and Theo gave her approving looks.
"I'll admit, she's good at respecting boundaries…" Theo mused before he frowned, "Though you need to be able to set them yourself, Harry."
Ophelia shifted uncomfortably, "I… it's wrong to be mean to my friends, though. They forgive me when I mess up, so…" She shrugged a bit weakly.
Daphne got a bit closer as she crouched, "Harry… Why do you keep letting people treat you poorly?"
Ophelia frowned, "Er, what? I'll admit some of the kids at Hogwarts treat me… unkindly, but I'm sure they have their reasons. Besides, when it comes to Ron and Hermione, we always make up, so…" She shrugged half-heartedly and curled her legs up onto the chair.
Daphne looked at her intently with visible concern, "... Alright. I won't push you, but I'm not dropping this, do you understand?"
Ophelia nodded a bit uncomfortably. Daphne then stood up and stepped back, running a hand through her hair.
Blaise regarded Ophelia coolly, his expression unreadable, "... Why did you flinch when Granger hugged you? You didn't even bother returning it. Odd behavior for a 'friend'."
Ophelia stiffened before she stood up, her legs having no trouble working, now. "I need to go," she muttered before slipping between Daphne and Tracey and immediately heading to leave the tent. Before she got there, though, Blaise cut her off.
"Oh, no. Not this time. Explain yourself - stop running away," he said as he held out his hands to either side to stop her.
"Please, move," Ophelia replied, fighting to control her voice even as anxiety rose inside her. She didn't want to do this - she didn't want to fight with them. They'd been really nice so far, and she didn't want to ruin things by having to dance around the topic of her binder without mentioning it. She'd have to lie outright, and that was never a pleasant thing.
"No. Why did you flinch? She's just a girl. Are you gay or something? That might make a little sense, honestly - and if you think we'd judge you for it, I'd swat you. But I'd throttle you if you're just being a dick."
Ophelia tightened the grip her hands had on her biceps. She hadn't even realized she'd crossed her arms protectively like that, though it was for the best, even if it hurt. "No, I'm not. Please move." She wasn't going to do this. Not here, not now.
Blaise gave her a calculating, withering look before he shook his head in obvious disgust. "Whatever," he hissed before moving. Ophelia rushed past him so he wouldn't see the tears forming in her eyes, or hear the hiccup bubbling in her throat. That was so awful. Why did they have to ask about that?
Now she was going to have to avoid them. She couldn't afford them asking questions. Not if she wanted to keep her secret. After all, there's a big difference between being 'gay' and being a freak like her.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
"Password?" The Fat Lady asked.
"Oh, uh… Mirabilis," Ophelia answered. The Portrait swung open and she headed into the Common Room… though immediately her stomach had twisted when she heard shouting. Oh no.
"Harry didn't want to participate, Ron! He was worrying about himself for once! Why can't you just understand that he's scared?!" That was Hermione's voice. Ophelia felt a bit bitter about how little she really knew about her fears, but pushed it down with her gratitude for being defended.
"Him? Scared?! He's Harry bloody Potter! Look at what he's done? What's he got to be scared of? No, he embarrassed all of Gryffindor! He should have at least tried! Now we all look like cowards just like him! We're supposed to be the brave house!" Ron snapped back. Ophelia finished walking through the small hallway and saw it was really just Ron and Hermione, though Alicia noticed her entering and immediately rushed over to draw her into a hug.
"You okay, Ophie?" She murmured softly, and Ophelia nodded slightly as the euphoria from hearing the affectionate nickname suppressed some of her queasiness. Alicia might have only found out by accident, but she'd been wonderfully accepting and supportive.
"What happened?" She whispered back, causing Alicia to grimace.
"Well–"
"Oh, look! There he is now! Don't see why you're being nice to him, Alicia! He's made us into a laughingstock! What the Hell, Harry?!" Ron shouted, glaring at Ophelia. She didn't feel all that much heat behind it, but shrank from the glare all the same.
"I didn't want to die, Ron," she replied, her voice a bit quiet because it was so emotional. She didn't want to speak too loudly and risk the Charm breaking. That wouldn't do in the slightest.
"Oh please! They wouldn't have let you die! You just wanted to stand out more, didn't you? Make a stink by getting into the Tournament and then throwing it! What the Hell?!" Ron sounded angrier now, and he started to pace angrily. Oh no. He wasn't gearing up to hit her, was he?
"He didn't put his name in the Goblet, Ron! You have to know he wouldn't do that! Harry's been trying to have some normalcy for the last three years!" Hermione defended hotly, but Ron just scowled and glared at Ophelia.
"Normal? Nothing about him is normal. He's the bloody Boy-Who-Lived," Ron replied scathingly, and something inside Ophelia snapped. She'd heard so much of her not being 'normal', it just broke something inside her.
"I AM NORMAL, YOU UTTER GIT! I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO DIE!" She screamed, before freezing.
Her voice. The Charm had broken on the first word. It sounded significantly different - very much like a girl's. Ron and Hermione both seemed stunned as they looked at her in disbelief and confusion.
"I– I need to go," she muttered, wincing at the girliness in her voice. She might have felt very affirmed by it, but she'd also just totally risked everything. She bolted out of the room as tears filled her eyes, heading back out of the portrait hole and ignoring the confusion of the Fat Lady as she practically flew down the Tower steps.
She needed to get somewhere isolated. Somewhere she could reapply the Charm without being seen or heard. Not Gryffindor Tower - Ron or Hermione could find her way too easily there.
Once she got to the bottom of the stairs she kept running and running. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't care.
Eventually she saw it. A broom closet. She yanked the door open and slammed it shut behind her as her breath came in rapid, short gasps and she sunk to the floor before a low, small whine broke through her throat before she began to sob.
She drew her legs up close and clawed at her sides, her fingers doing nothing due to the binder underneath. She just wanted to hide in the damned closet and never come out again. Her face felt wet with tears as an agonizing pain ran through her body. She had fucked up. They'd heard her voice - her real voice. If they didn't know they at least suspected her for what she was. A freak. A monster. A pervert.
The Dursleys' words echoed through her head and she grabbed her shoulders as hard as she could, ignoring the sharp pain as her nails dug deep. Another hiccuping sob ran through her and she let out another low whine. "Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? Why can't I do anything right?" She mumbled to herself as the pain in her heart tightened. She was giving voice to the same complaints her Aunt and Uncle always had about her.
"I'm such a mistake," she sobbed before dissolving once more into tears. She hated herself so much. Why was it that everything she did had to turn out so wrong? Why was it that she could only ever fuck up? Why couldn't she do anything right?
It took far too long for her to settle, and even then she was still hiccuping and feeling painfully miserable. She cast a couple charms to clear the tears off her face, thankful that her disguising makeup was enchanted to resist water damage and running. After she cast the Voice-Altering Charm she slowed her breathing down so she wasn't shuddering and giving off small cries and whimpers with every breath. That level of emotional duress would cause the Charm to break. Again.
Even still it took several minutes in which she upheld a Lumos and used the tiny hand mirror and handheld makeup kit she kept hidden on herself at all times for her to re-work her makeup to hide the redness puffiness around her eyes. Eventually she managed and let out a small, shaky sigh as she canceled the Light Charm and pocketed her hand mirror and miniature makeup kit before rising unsteadily to her feet. Her legs were a bit wobbly from the running and how long she'd been crouching, but also the leftover anxiety from both what happened at the First Task and in Gryffindor Tower. Nothing pleasant.
After a deep breath, Ophelia opened the broom closet and thanked the gods that nobody seemed to be around when she slipped out. She closed the door behind her and started walking. She wasn't sure where she'd go, since Gryffindor Tower… yeah, the mere thought of that made her stomach do cartwheels.
But it was late. She needed to sleep…
Ophelia pursed her lips and made her way to the Dungeons. She saw a few students along the way, but nobody gave her much of a second glance. She slipped into an abandoned classroom and locked the door behind her before letting out a sigh of relief as her legs gave out beneath her.
"Harry?" A voice asked from behind her in confusion, and Ophelia stiffened as she recognized it as Tracey.
"Um… sh-should I leave?" Ophelia asked cautiously, pointedly not turning around. Normally if a student was in an abandoned classroom it was to snog - and she really didn't want to intrude on that.
"Oh, yes, by all means. Keep running away from your problems," Theo snarked, and Ophelia swallowed the lump in her throat. "Still can't look us in the eye?"
"I… M– well, if… if students are alone, usually…" She felt herself flush at the idea.
This time, Theo actually sounded a bit chagrined, "Oh. Uh… okay, yeah. That– alright, I can't fault you there."
Daphne giggled, then, "We're studying, Harry. Feel free to turn around. I promise everyone's fully dressed and not snogging."
Ophelia managed to brace herself on a nearby counter and stand, turning to see that they were indeed all sitting with textbooks, parchment and quills. Blaise and Tracey seemed amused, Theo a bit embarrassed, while Daphne only seemed concerned.
"Sorry. Wasn't planning to intrude, just… I was…" She steadied herself and took a breath. Her voice was warbling again, and she could not afford to break her Voice Altering Charm for a second time. "I was going to find a classroom to sleep in."
They all seemed taken aback and confused at that.
"Wh– you have a dorm room, don't you?" Tracey asked, incredulous.
"I… I c-can't… just…" Ophelia shuddered a bit. "Ron… he… he um…"
Theo frowned, "Weasley? That redheaded string bean that follows you around all the time?"
Blaise snorted at that, "Says the other string bean that follows me around all the time– ow!" He rubbed his arm where Theo had swatted him.
"He, um… y-you'd pro-probably ag-agree with what he s-said, Theo," Ophelia managed, and she surprised herself with how offhanded she managed to make it sound. Then again, she'd had years of practice in faking her tone. "You know. Said I'm a disgrace, a coward - can't say I disagree. Shamed all of Gryffindor, you know. Completely pathetic. 'Course I didn't want to die, but he's right that I was being stupid 'cause of course Dumbledore wouldn't let anyone die and–"
She stopped when Daphne held her head in her hands, literally forcing her to stop talking by holding it in place.
"You're rambling, Harry," Daphne muttered as she took Ophelia over to a chair and sat her down. All four Slytherins seemed really concerned for whatever reason.
Tracey looked like she needed a moment to gather her thoughts, "Harry, they… Weasley said all those things about you?"
Ophelia shrugged weakly, "More or less. I was pretty pathetic - I screamed at him and left." She gave a single, empty laugh at how absurd it was. Especially with the added foolishness of it breaking her Charm.
Theo took a slow, deep breath as he seemed to deliberate on what he wanted to say, "So… he… he's your friend, but he said all that? About you… forfeiting the Task?" His voice sounded very strained, and Ophelia squirmed a bit. It reminded her of Uncle Vernon whenever she said something stupid.
"I… yes." She replied hesitantly, bracing herself for the yelling.
Theo took a slow, deep breath, "That git. And he upset you enough that you screamed and ran?"
Ophelia shrugged, "I… it was stupid. I was emotional. It was dumb."
Daphne shook her head vehemently, "Like Hell it was! He was being a dick! I'll admit we weren't happy about how lightly you were treating the Task, but you forfeiting was a really good idea! A safe idea! That wasn't cowardly at all!"
Theo nodded sharply, "Look, when I call you out it's because you aren't honest or you're running away from your problems. Your problems. I very much encourageyou to run away from bloody Dragons."
All three of the other Slytherins nodded in agreement with his words, but Ophelia just felt lost. "But… I ran away. I-I shamed Gryffindor House…"
Tracey snorted at that, "And just how did you do that? There's bravery in running, too - picking your battles. It's clever and wise."
Blaise nodded as he set down his quill he'd been twirling between his fingers, "Exactly. Besides, what would he do with a Dragon? From what I've seen of Weasley I guarantee he'd run screaming in terror." He and Theo shared in their chuckling at that.
Daphne gave Ophelia a very concerned look, "You weren't even supposed to be a Champion. This isn't shameful to your House at all. If anything, it's the most Gryffindor thing you could have done. Shown bravery by making sure only Diggory is recognized."
Ophelia nodded a bit sedately, "Mmm." She couldn't bring herself to use words. The kind things they'd said had left her very overwhelmed.
Tracey frowned, "But… why would you sleep in a Dungeons classroom?"
Ophelia shrugged weakly, "It's the last place anyone would look for Harry Potter."
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 27th, 1994
Ophelia groaned softly as she woke up on the floor of the classroom. Her sleep had been fitful, but uninterrupted. She made herself get up, grunting at how stiff she felt. She used some Cleaning Charms to make herself presentable, followed by applying her makeup to 'masculinize' her face.
The problem was when someone unlocked and opened the door while she was doing so. Tracey.
"Uh… Harry?" She asked with no small amount of surprise.
Ophelia's stomach became a pit. Tracey had just walked in on her applying makeup and using a hand mirror. Worse, her Voice Altering Charm hadn't been applied yet - she barely had the mercy of having put on her binder before starting her makeup.
Slowly Ophelia set the makeup kit down, but she didn't take her eyes off of Tracey this time. She was terrified. Her hands had begun to shake, and she opened and closed her mouth several times to try and figure out what to say.
"You use makeup? Is- is it for acne or something?"
The pit lessened as a tiny wave of relief flowed through Ophelia.
"Um… y-yeah. And my… my scar." Ophelia replied, trying her best to make her voice sound hoarse and deeper. It came off as a bit forced, but not too girly. She shifted uncomfortably in her position - sitting cross-legged on a desk. Normally not comfortable but it was great for when she needed to apply makeup.
Tracey nodded, though she didn't seem convinced, "Oh… okay. I was just coming to check on you. It's almost time for Early Breakfast. Um… see you in the Hall?"
Ophelia nodded and Tracey left.
Ophelia was much faster about finishing her makeup, then. She applied her Voice-Altering Charm, packed her things and bolted out of the room. She needed to get to the Hall and make sure Tracey wouldn't say anything.
Thankfully she caught up with the Slytherin girl before they even got there.
"Tracey!" She called out, and the other girl turned around in a bit of surprise.
"Oh, Harry! You're done?" She seemed a bit cheerful, but Ophelia couldn't tell if it was forced.
"Um, yes. Uh… can-can you please not tell anyone? I-I already get, um… a-a lot of flak for… for being 'unmanly', and…" She fidgeted restlessly, hoping and praying Tracey would agree. She needed Tracey to agree. If she told someone, Ophelia's life was over. Flat-out.
Tracey seemed a bit surprised, and almost hurt, "Of course I wouldn't. I know better than that."
Ophelia was flooded with relief, "Thank you, so much. I… thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Kudos give Ophelia all the hugs, your Comments tell Ron to stop being a dick.
Discooooord~ https://discord.gg/w5k4TfFRGG
Next Chapter: The Yule Ball is announced!
Chapter 3: The Hogwarts Rumor MillChapter TextThe days continue on.
CW: Misgendering & Deadnaming (Unintentional), Transphobia (Internalized & General), Child Abuse Mention, Self-Harm, Self-Hate
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
The Hogwarts Rumor Mill
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 27th, 1994
Ophelia struggled a bit to find her words as the other Slytherins chatted as amicably as ever around her at Early Breakfast.
"Uh, um…" She began, and they stopped talking to look at her. That much attention almost made her balk, but she pressed on, "Why… Why aren't you avoiding me? I-I thought you were… well, mad at me."
Theo frowned, "We were, but why on Earth would that mean we'd avoid you?"
Ophelia was a bit taken aback by that. "I… well, when-whenever Ron or Hermione are… well, mad at me, they… Well, stop talking to me." She fidgeted in her seat uncomfortably as the others traded looks.
Blaise scoffed, "Have some faith, Harry. You're a right git sometimes, but you're not a bad person."
Theo nodded, "Could do with a smack upside the head every now and again, but that's because you make us worry with all those stupid stunts you pull. Not to mention how lightly you took the Dragon. It was a serious thing and you acted like everything would be fine."
Ophelia squirmed a bit as she poked at her roasted potatoes, "But… I-I thought it would… I-I was p-planning to-to forfeit. I told you I was…"
Daphne gently placed a hand on Ophelia's shoulder, and she tensed but managed to stop herself from recoiling. "Yes, you did. But things could have still gone wrong. Fire breath, remember?"
Ophelia paled as she realized what Daphne meant, "O-oh…"
Theo snorted, "Yeah, 'oh'. For the record, your plan was the best idea. We aren't refuting that. We're just trying to make you stop being a stupid Gryffindor and being so bloody fearless."
Ophelia cringed inwardly, "I… I'm not fear-fearless… I-I…" She took several slow, shaky breaths. "... P-please do-don't believe, um… the-the rumors that are… are sure to spread, b-but…"
Tracey's eyes narrowed, "Rumors? Harry, what rumors? You usually ignore whatever cycles about you - well, okay, there was that one time Malfoy made you cry, but honestly he's a git."
Ophelia swallowed the lump in her throat, "Th-that I scr-scream like…" She took a slow, deep breath. "Like a girl… L-last night, I… m-my v-voice it-it-it cracked when I sc-screamed at… at Ron…"
The pit in her stomach grew wider as she said that. She had to lie to keep up her cover. She couldn't afford to let people think she was 'girly'. She fought so hard to keep this up. She couldn't let people believe she was a girl. They had to keep thinking she was a boy. She neededthem to keep thinking that.
Tracey gave her a sympathetic look, likely due to having seen Ophelia apply her makeup, "We wouldn't listen to any rumors about you, Harry. If we wanted to know something, we'd just ask."
Blaise nodded in agreement, "You need to start being less of a git. We wouldn't believe in tripe like that. Maybe actually believe in us?" He seemed irritated, and so did Theo.
"Really. It's getting a bit annoying with how often you act like our friendship is that fragile," Theo remarked sharply, causing Ophelia to wince.
"I… sorry," she mumbled, grimacing a bit.
The four Slytherins exchanged some looks before they resumed eating their breakfast in relative silence.
Ophelia finished first, but before she got up to leave she managed to look up at her new friends. "Um… I… thank you." She managed to head out before they could reply, wanting to hurry to Gryffindor Tower to grab her things so she could study.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
"Mirabilis," she murmured to the Fat Lady, who swung open wordlessly. The portrait seemed to be giving her the cold shoulder since she never came back last night, though Ophelia didn't care. The portrait didn't know her circumstances.
The Common Room was empty, so she quietly slipped up the stairs and mentally thanked the House-Elves when the door opened without even a tiny squeak. Nobody was awake, mercifully. Not even Neville, who was a bit of an early riser. She tip-toed over to her trunk and opened it as quietly as she could, flinching and pausing when it made a tiny noise. Thankfully, Ron's snoring was steady and the other boys still seemed to be asleep.
She carefully grabbed some parchment, two inkpots, a few quills, and the three Textbooks she needed for Arithmancy, Charms and Transfiguration. She set them aside gently on the floor before closing the trunk as slowly and quietly as she could. Ron's snoring hitched and she froze as her heart skipped a beat. Only when it resumed did she continue moving. She picked up her things and headed out of the room, closing the door as gingerly as she could. Her heist was successful!
She had a tiny smile on her face as she slipped down the stairs… only to come face-to-face with Alicia.
"Hi," she greeted Ophelia with a slightly cool tone, causing the smaller girl to flinch.
"Um… Hi," she mumbled back, not able to look her in the eye. Alicia had been the first and only student to find out about Ophelia's gender identity two years ago when she caught Ophelia in her dorm bathroom. Wood had told her to 'knock the door down if she had to' to get Ophelia down in time for practice. She'd done just that and had run into Ophelia. Topless. Suffice to say Ophelia's resulting panic attack had been hard for Alicia to settle.
"Where did you go? You ran off and I was worried sick about you," Alicia commented as she pulled Ophelia into a side-hug, being careful not to muss up her homework supplies.
"Um… I slept in an abandoned classroom," Ophelia replied softly, shifting a bit uncomfortably. "Just… when-when the Charm broke, I…"
Alicia sighed as she walked Ophelia to the exit of the Common Rooms, "I guess I can't fault you for being upset. Ron was being a dick."
Ophelia shrugged as they exited, before she bit her lip with worry. "Wh… what are they saying?"
Alicia seemed torn between laughter and pain as they exited the Commons, "Well… they still think that you're a boy…"
Ophelia felt relieved at that, "Oh, thank Merlin–"
"Except they think you're a trans boy."
Ophelia froze as she took that in.
"So… so they… they think…?" She began, slightly incredulous.
Alicia smiled, "They think your parents lied that you were a boy to protect you, and it turned out you wanted to be a boy so all is well. Alternatively, some say you're pretending to be a boy to keep up appearances." Her face screwed up in annoyance, then, "Though Ron's just saying some nasty things about you being a 'girlyboy' and other crap." She shook her head and scowled to show her frustration.
Ophelia leaned her back against a wall before sliding down to sit against it, "I… how… what? I… what do I even do, Ali?" She looked up at Alicia, hoping - begging for an answer. She was… terrified. She had no idea what to think, what to do. They know - or at least believe - she's transgender. But they have it backwards. But…
Alicia winced as she sat next to Ophelia, gently wrapping an arm around the younger girl, "Ophie…" She squeezed Ophelia's shoulders in a sort of side-hug. "You still want to stay closeted?" She asked softly.
Ophelia didn't hesitate. "Yes," she replied with a soft shudder. "I… I'm a freak. I… I'd be attacked. Hurt. I know what people do to people like me…" She tightened her grip on her textbooks as a slight shudder ran through her. She remembered how Uncle Vernon talked about 'beating those queers' and 'teaching them a lesson'. She knew very well what Uncle Vernon considered a 'lesson'.
Alicia had a few tears slide down her face as she gently rested her head against Ophelia's, "... Ophie, you're not a freak… but okay. You need to ignore the rumors. Deny them and people will get suspicious. Let them upset you and the bullies win. I'll do what I can… have you talked to your Slytherin friends? Phoebe? Hannah?"
Ophelia nodded, "I talked to the Slytherins this morning… about-about the rumors. I didn't expect, um… that, but I told them what happened… said my voice cracked. Haven't told Phoebe or Hannah yet. They weren't at Early Breakfast."
Alicia nodded at that. She let out a slow sigh, "You need to tell them. Find them after regular Breakfast. They'll have heard the rumors by then, so just tell them your story. They're good kids. They'll believe you."
Ophelia hummed her acknowledgement as she stared at her textbooks, a bit lost in thought. "Ali?"
"Yeah, Ophie?"
"... what's wrong with me?" She asked softly, her voice warbling and the Charm breaking again. They were alone, so she didn't bother to reapply it. Not when it would just break again with how emotional she was becoming. "Why? Why can't I just… make people happy?"
"Oh, Ophie," Alicia whispered as she drew the smaller girl into as tight a hug as she could. "There is nothing wrong with you. I'm so sorry you're hurting - I really am." Ophelia let go of her books as she wrapped her arms around Alicia, sobbing softly. "It's okay… I promise you that we're just worried. We want you to be happy. Me and your Slytherin friends."
Ophelia hiccuped before she managed something inbetween sobs, "B-but… R-Ron, he–"
"Screw Ron," Alicia hissed. "He's a stuck-in-his-own-head git. You don't need to care about him. You shouldn't care about him. He's hurting you. He doesn't matter, alright? If he can't be a good friend, then he isn't worth your time, okay?" She began gently stroking Ophelia's hair.
Ophelia hiccuped again and her voice was painfully thick with emotion when she replied, "Okay." She sniffled and hiccuped again, burying her face in Alicia's shoulder.
Alicia sighed softly, "You're a good person, Ophelia. I want you to remember that. I know all these people say these awful things. But I see it. Hermione's a bit daft, but she sees it too. The rest of the team sees it. Phoebe and Hannah see it. Your Slytherin friends must see it, too." She tightened the hug, gently rubbing her hand in circles on Ophelia's back.
"Okay… okay." Ophelia sniffled as she gently tried to pull away, but Alicia held her tight. "A-Ali, I–"
"Just… just stay here, Ophie. Just for a minute. You need this, alright? Let me be the big sister you need right now, alright?" There was a slight tease in her tone, but she was firm.
Ophelia hesitated before wrapping her arms back around Alicia and nestling her head in the blonde girl's shoulder, "Okay… thanks, Ali."
"Any time, Ophie. Any time."
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
"Oh, there you are," Ophelia said with relief when she saw Hannah and Phoebe studying in the Library. She'd spent part of the Breakfast with Alicia until Angelina and Katie saw them. Then the Chaser Girls headed off together and Ophelia reapplied her Voice Altering Charm before heading to find her friends.
"Oh, Harry! How are you?" Hannah asked with clear worry. "People are spreading rumors again, and I was almost ready to punch Leanne for it."
Ophelia smiled weakly, "I'm alright. I… I heard a bit. Alicia told me." She took the seat opposite the other girls as she set her studying materials down on the table. "I'll admit, it was… creative. Hear my voice crack once and all of a sudden I'm trans…"
Phoebe frowned and looked really confused for a moment before she lightly shook her own head, "Wait, wh– uh… I mean, there isn't a problem with trans people, right?" She seemed to be pressing for something, oddly enough.
Ophelia froze as her heart skipped a beat, "I– what? N-no, not at all! I'm just… not that, you know?" She couldn't meet Phoebe's eyes, though. Not when she was lying outright like that.
Phoebe seemed even more confused before she just shook her head, "Alright… okay, uh, sure. If you say so." She let out a sigh while Hannah gave her an odd look.
"So Harry, you've been adopted by the Slytherins, right? How's that going?" Hannah asked with a grin.
Ophelia shrugged as she started to relax, "Well… not bad. Daphne's nice, though she scares me a bit. Not as much as Tracey does, though - I can't really understand her. Theo and Blaise…" She bit her lip for a moment as she tried to think about what she thought of Theo and Blaise. Especially since she didn't want to say anything rude or hurtful. That wouldn't be nice.
Phoebe frowned, "They aren't being mean to you, are they?"
"No! No, no they're just… intense," Ophelia replied hastily, wincing at the tiny crack in her voice. Speaking too quickly seems to agitate the Charm, too. She'd have to keep that in mind.
Phoebe seemed skeptical, "... Alright." She opened up her Arithmancy textbook and started to work on her calculations, and Ophelia let out a small sigh of relief as she did the same.
"Oh, how did the Champions do on the First Task? I, er, didn't really stick around after… yeah." Ophelia looked to Hannah after asking, hopeful he'd done well.
"Oh, they did alright," Hannah replied conversationally. "Krum caused his dragon to break some of the fake eggs, but managed alright - 33 points. That Delacour, though, she's fearless - walked right through dragonfire! Guess Veela are fireproof, though, 'cause she just set it to sleep, grabbed her egg and that was that. She got 45 points. Cedric… ehhh, he did okay. Only got 41 points since he ended up getting singed. Still, not as bad as Krum."
Ophelia nodded thoughtfully, "I hope the Next Task isn't too hard for them. I'll just forfeit again, of course, but I'd like it if they don't have to get hurt." She frowned at a question she just answered and double checked it, worried the math hadn't been done right.
Hannah stared at her, "Harry… Why didn't you try? I mean, I know it was scary, but…"
Ophelia pursed her lips, "Because I'm not supposed to be a Champion. I'd much rather make sure I'm not interfering at all. Besides, it's a dragon. What on Earth could I do against one of those?" She smiled as she fixed the answer and moved on to explaining the purpose and effects of the equation.
Phoebe seemed a bit surprised at that, "Uh… Harry, you're the Boy-Who-Lived. You beat a bloody Basilisk. Everyone knows you're the one who caught Sirius Black - even if he did end up escaping because of the Ministry. I'm pretty sure you can handle a dragon."
Ophelia snorted, "Oh, no I could not. They're giant, hard to hurt, have giant claws and teeth, fly and breathe fire. Frankly speaking my legs gave out the moment I got into the tent. Honestly, I wish I knew why the Hat was so eager to put me in Gryffindor…"
Hannah frowned, "Well… you're pretty brave. A bit foolish, but I'd say it's a fit."
Ophelia shook her head, "Me? Brave? Hardly." She went back to her work, oblivious to the look her two friends traded.
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 28th, 1994
"Everyone, please listen," Professor McGonagall called out in the early morning. She'd woken and gathered all the fourth through seventh year students in Gryffindor Tower in the Commons. It was a tad of a tight fit, but they made it work. Ophelia found herself tucked in a corner with Hermione and Lavender. She was rather thankful she'd had time to slip her binder on before coming down - though it only really happened because she was awake to begin with.
"You may recall having Dress Robes on your school supplies list back in August. This year, as is standard when the TriWixen Tournament is held, Hogwarts will be hosting a Ball on Yule. It is rather simplistically called the 'Yule Ball'. All students in their Fourth Year and above are eligible to attend, with or without a partner. There will be dancing lessons held in the Great Hall every weekend at two in the afternoon on both Saturday and Sunday up until the Yule Ball. I recommend you attend if you are not confident in your dancing abilities. That will be all." She waved everyone off, and everyone scattered while whispering excitedly amongst themselves.
Ophelia grimaced, ignoring the painful twist in her stomach. Hopefully she'd be allowed to skip out. Nevermind her inability to dance, she'd have to endure seeing so many girls in beautiful dresses - while she wears a tight binder underneath stuffy men's robes. Her shoulders drooped as she pulled her legs up close and wrapped her arms around them. Lavender and Hermione gave her a concerned look, but she just waved them off and tightened her grip on her legs - it felt a bit painful, but it distracted from the more emotional pain of having to go boymode on such a nice occasion.
"Potter," McGonagall's voice called above her, and Ophelia flinched as she loosened her grip and looked upwards. McGonagall's expression was rather sad, "Come with me, please." She held out a hand, and Ophelia reluctantly accepted it as the older woman helped her stand. Once Ophelia was stable standing on her own, McGonagall led her out of the Commons.
After they'd come all the way to McGonagall's office at the base of the tower, she shut and locked the door before gesturing to a seat. Ophelia accepted it with only a little hesitation while McGonagall sat not in her desk's chair, but in the seat next to Ophelia as she clasped her hands together and looked at the young student.
"Miss Potter," McGonagall began, sending a tiny shiver down Ophelia's spine as she smiled the tiniest bit at the right address. "I'm afraid that as a Champion you will be expected to attend and lead the Ball. Which means you will need a partner."
Ophelia stiffened as her stomach's knot immediately became significantly tighter and more painful. Her throat constricted and she found her hands gripping her biceps impossibly tight. She tried to speak - to beg McGonagall to let her skip out. To not have to dance, attend, anything. She couldn't do it - she couldn't do it. To dance in front of all those people. To have to dance with a girl and see her in a dress like the ones she wouldn't be allowed to wear. Tears filled her eyes and immediately began to fall.
Before she knew it, McGonagall had an arm around her and was patting her back gently, "Steady, Miss Potter. Breathe, lass. Breathe."
With a start, Ophelia realized she'd indeed stopped breathing. She forced the first breath and it came in a pained, agonized sob. The next few were much the same as she wrapped her arms around the Professor rather than herself, holding onto her like a buoy in the sudden storm of emotion she'd been plunged into.
She sniffled and sobbed for several minutes before her breathing finally began to settle. Based on how high-pitched her shaky breaths were, she knew her Charm had long since broken. She was still trembling, so while McGonagall pulled the hug itself apart, she left a steadying arm around Ophelia's back.
"Slowly, Miss Potter. I know how hard this is for you. I need you to steady yourself. You can do this, alright?" McGonagall gestured for her to nod, and Ophelia did so in spite of herself. When the Professor smiled, she barely managed to force a weak one of her own.
"Now, Miss Potter, I must ask. Do you need to go to Hogsmeade at any point to pick out a dress for yourself?" Professor McGonagall asked kindly.
Ophelia flinched as she clasped her hands together tightly, focusing her gaze on them. "I… I have dress robes, Professor. Er… men's dress robes. I-I'll wear those. And my binder."
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the Professor close her eyes firmly for a moment as a pained look crossed her face. "I see… and you're certain you wish to wear them?" Her tone was soft, but all the same Ophelia couldn't help how much it upset her.
"Yes, I am," she replied a bit shortly, before wincing. "I… sorry, Professor. I shouldn't have snapped like that."
Professor McGonagall didn't seem upset as much as she did a bit defeated, "I see… and will you attend the dance classes? I presume you haven't been taught before."
Ophelia squeezed her hands together a bit more tightly, "I… I guess I'll have to. Don't want to make more of a fool of myself. Already did enough of that on Saturday… Ron says I shamed the House. Guess I should apologize for that…"
Professor McGonagall's expression flashed only briefly with anger at that, "Miss Potter, your actions were exactly what I would have wanted from you - you have no reason to apologize. Though it would seem Mister Weasley is intent on being the one to shame the House of Gryffindor if he cannot be kind to his friends."
Ophelia shrugged at that, and then Professor McGonagall's expression became complicated - Ophelia wasn't really sure what she meant by it. "I have… heard some rumors, Miss Potter. It seems there are some who believe you are transgender, but in the other direction… may I ask why?" Her tone was very gentle and kind, so rather than tense up, Ophelia just sagged further into her chair.
"Ron, he… he yelled at me on Saturday. After the Task. I… I screamed back, and…" Tears slid down her face again and she sniffled a bit before continuing, "My Charm broke. They-they heard my voice. My real voice. I-I ran away, after that. I… I'm sorry Professor, but I sort of… I was too afraid to return to the dorm. To-to hear them s-say, um… mean things. I slept in an abandoned classroom that night…"
McGonagall's expression changed to something resembling heartbroken as she held Ophelia tightly, "Oh, Miss Potter…" Her voice became thick with emotion as she took a steadying breath of her own. "You have nothing to apologize for, Miss Potter. I am so sorry Mister Weasley has mistreated you so. I will be certain to correct his behavior. This is inexcusable. I am sorry you felt so upset and unsafe you had to sleep outside of your own dorm room - of your own Common Room. That is hardly what I would call right."
Ophelia shrugged weakly, "It wasn't too bad. I didn't sleep much and it was a bit rough, but I met my Slytherin friends before I went to sleep. They helped me feel a bit better. They're really good people."
McGonagall smiled weakly, "I am glad to hear you say that, Miss Potter. All the same… Are you truly certain you wish to continue your… disguise?" She seemed quite desperate when she looked at Ophelia, now. "I promise if you wish to do away with it I would have you in the girl's dorm in a heartbeat."
As for heartbeats, Ophelia felt her own heart skip one. She opened her lips, ready to say 'yes' almost by instinct before she forced her mouth shut. No. She can't do that. She mustn't do that. She's not allowed. She's just a freak. The girls would be scared of her. They'd hate her. They'd know she's just a freak, a pervert and a monster. Despite how she trembled, Ophelia shook her head.
She stood up and schooled her expression into forced neutrality. She drew her wand and nonverbally applied the Voice-Altering Charm, as she'd grown accustomed to doing. "I'll be fine, Professor - Harry Potter is a boy, so he'll stay in the boy's dorms. Harry Potter can handle one dance at a Ball. Besides, I'm sure he can ask a girl just fine," she told Professor McGonagall in her painfully masculine voice. "He's a coward of a Gryffindor, but he can just ask a friend if he needs to. Thank you for your concern, but I must be going. Classes, and all."
She gave McGonagall a small nod before heading out, forcing her agony down from having seen the defeated, sorrowful look on McGonagall's face when she'd said those words. Of course, she knew it wasn't that she'd said anything that hurt the Professor. She was just concerned Ophelia was hurting herself.
Though, that was a ridiculous idea. She was fine.
Right?
~~~~~Ophelia~~~~~
November 29th, 1994
"Sorry, but I don't want to go with you," Ophelia apologized to Ginny before she left the girl looking dejected and slipped out of the Library. She'd had to refuse not one, not two, but five girls just today - yesterday had included six of its own. She'd said she'd find someone to go with, but she certainly wasn't going with someone interested in her. That was simply bound for failure. Especially seeing as they were all interested in a boy. It would be doomed the moment they realized she wanted to be a girl. It was pointless.
Though, when she ran into Theo - alone, oddly enough - she couldn't help her relief.
"Oh, thank goodness, it's you. If it was another girl about to ask me to the Ball I was going to go spare," she groaned, shaking her head.
Theo raised an eyebrow, "What? Can't handle being 'popular'?" He seemed irritated, and Ophelia winced, drawing her shoulders in.
"N-no, just– I don't want to go to the Ball, but–"
"What?!" He interrupted her, utterly aghast. "You don't want to– well, isn't that just bloody thick of you? You have to go, Harry. Not really a choice for you. Just say yes to one of your fangirls, have a nice night and maybe enjoy it." Ophelia almost thought he sounded a bit bitter when he said 'fangirls'.
She squirmed uncomfortably, "I don't want to go with a fangirl. Look, I just– I don't want anything to do with this. I'm not supposed to be a Champion. I hate being popular - you know full well I'm a pathetic coward. I shouldn't be popular at all. Besides, I asked Hermione, and she said she's already got a date." Theo looked stunned, but she cut him off before he could say anything. "Yes, I know who and no I won't tell you. I'm not going to ask Tracey or Daphne to go as friends because they should be able to enjoy themselves and go with someone they'd want to go with. I have to figure this out for myself. Just– I get that you hate how pathetic and whiny I am, but please don't rag on me."
She blinked in surprise when she realized how much had tumbled out, but was just thankful she hadn't gotten emotional and caused her Charm to break. It was getting a bit ridiculous with how often it was breaking as of late. Being able to say what she felt without sobbing or crying was a relief.
Theo shook his head, "Go with a bloke, then. Nobody cares! They all think you're a trans man, anyway - who cares if they think you're gay? Besides, you can just go as friends if it's that important to you - blokes don't give a damn if you do that."
Ophelia shook her head, "I don't want to feed the rumors, and I'm certainly not going to have anyone to ask among the boys. Ron hates me, I doubt Blaise would want to waste his time with me, and–"
"Oh for Odin's sake– I'm so awful at this. Harry, will you go to the Ball with me?"
Ophelia froze as she looked at Theo. He looked at her in a mixture of trepidation and expectation.
What? Had… had Theo just asked her to the Ball? What? Theo? Why? If he wanted to go with a friend, he'd definitely ask Blaise or Tracey or Daphne - certainly not Ophelia. They'd barely been friends for three weeks - on a first-name basis for barely four days. He had to have better options than Ophelia.
Merlin, he called her a coward nearly every day. Who would want to date a coward? That would be ridiculous. She wouldn't want to date herself - she was a bloody mess.
Oh, wait.
She pursed her lips, and managed to stop herself from letting any of her upset or anger color her voice. Instead her reply was cool, clipped and straightforward.
"I don't appreciate being made fun of, Theo. Don't play cruel jokes like that. Ask someone you'd enjoy your time with."
She didn't wait for his response as she turned around and left, pushing down the immense pain that filled her stomach and clutched at her heart.
Why did everything have to keep going wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Kudos tell Ophie to stop assuming the worst, and your Comments soothe Theo's hurt feelings.
Next: Blaise confronts Ophelia for her harsh words.
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