"Seriously, what is with your posture? Are you feeling alright?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"You're all hunched over. Does your back still hurt? Is it bruised? Here, let me take a look."
"Ah, well…"
Oops.
The Young Lady's voice was laced with genuine concern, likely because I was walking like a total freak. Of course, my posture was strange—I'd been sporting a massive erection this entire time.
It wasn't exactly something I could just show her.
Even if we had just crawled out of the jaws of death together and forged a bond that transcended social status, we weren't that close. There was an insurmountable wall between a foreign laborer acting as a porter and the daughter of a Marquis.
Was there even room for romance to begin with? More importantly, this wasn't even happening because of her. It was just a side effect of the potion.
I didn't want to show her. It was embarrassing, shameful, and utterly mortifying. Above all, it was not something you displayed to a noble lady. What if she had me executed for sacrilege?
How do I explain this?
No matter how I turned it over in my head, telling her the truth—that I was currently rock hard—felt like a bit much. I decided to stick with the back pain excuse. It was the only thing I had.
"Ah, yeah. My back muscles are just a bit stiff. You really don't need to check."
"No, let's be sure. It might be more serious than you think."
"Wait, no! I'm telling you, I'm fine."
"Oh, just hold still! Let me see where you're hurt!"
"I'm really okay, I swear!"
"Hey! You're the one who told me to speak up immediately if I felt unwell. We're a team, so we have to look out for each other. Don't make me worry—just show me. If it's serious, I'll carry you out myself, so let me see!"
Party members needed to be fully aware of each other's physical condition. Her logic was sound, but the problem was that this wasn't an injury.
It's really awkward when you look at me like that…
Her wavering gaze told me she was genuinely worried. Should I just come clean?
"Quick, show me your back. If you collapse again, porter, we're both finished."
"No, wait! I'll show you, just—don't come any closer!"
I tried to stall her, but she rushed forward anyway. She must have thought I was dying. I appreciated the sentiment, but the timing was catastrophic. I tried to push her back to create some distance before showing her my back, but…
Damn it, my arms have no strength!
My muscles still hadn't recovered. Instead of pushing her away, I lost my balance when she bumped into me and fell flat on my back.
And just like that, the Young Lady was staring directly at the bulging tent in my pants.
"…"
"….."
Silence filled the room.
I should have just told her. Trying to hide it only made the situation a thousand times weirder.
"Um, well, you see…"
"No… what is that? Why is it so… big? If a man hurts his back… does his crotch swell up?"
"No! That's not it!"
I had no choice now. I had to explain. Staying silent would be even more suspicious, and if I didn't clarify, she might walk away with some very bizarre anatomical misconceptions—like thinking back injuries caused instant erections.
"It's, uh, a side effect of the stamina recovery potion. It was a cheap brand, so it has this… specific side effect. It'll go down soon, so don't worry about it."
"No, really? Huh. What a strange side effect. Hmph."
She stared intently at my crotch, looking flustered. But as she kept looking, her expression shifted into something… different.
"My Lady, staring so intently is a bit… embarrassing for me."
"Oh, sorry. I've just… I've never seen one before. That's all."
"Huh?"
She'd never seen one? What did that even mean?
"A big one… I've never seen one like that. You know."
"Ah, I see. I suppose that's possible."
Gulp.
For some reason, she swallowed hard.
"Hey, porter."
"Yes?"
"In this situation… asking this kind of question… I'm actually a bit ashamed of myself."
"Then maybe you shouldn't ask?"
Of course, she didn't hold back. I suppose that was the legendary stubbornness of the nobility.
"Could I… take a quick look?"
"Huhhh?"
What was she saying? What did she want to see?
"Well, I've never properly seen one before."
"My Lady, how old are you that you've never seen one?"
"Hey! What does age have to do with it? My family is very strict! My father and brother wouldn't even let me speak to men properly!"
"No, but even so, that's just…"
Was she actually a virgin? I'd always assumed nobles were more promiscuous than the neighborhood dogs. Could a high-born lady really reach adulthood without ever seeing a man's equipment? I figured they all just did whatever they wanted with their subordinates.
Good grief. She really was a sheltered "Young Lady."
"I don't think I'll ever get another chance to see a 'big thing' as safely as this."
A safe opportunity.
The sole daughter of the Marquis Lionel family was asking me for a sex education lesson. She was only asking because she was certain I wouldn't attack her. And she was right. I had no intention of doing anything. I didn't have lives to spare, and I wasn't crazy enough to lay a hand on a high noble. I wasn't so desperate for a woman that I'd risk my head on a chopping block.
Besides, once we got out of here, I'd get my reward and could just buy a slave. Why touch a ticking time bomb?
She had clearly made the same calculation: This guy is safe.
"I'll have to get married and join my husband's family someday. I can't go into marriage knowing absolutely nothing, can I? Don't you agree? Please, help me out."
She kept trying to persuade me with "logical" reasons.
Maybe this is just a reaction to extreme stress.
It's a known phenomenon—the more mentally unstable someone becomes, the more they seek out sexual stimulation. Some do it to relieve tension and achieve a sense of stability; others have a biological drive to perpetuate the species when faced with death. There's a reason adventurers head straight for the brothels the moment they leave a Labyrinth. After watching comrades die or nearly dying themselves, the psyche starts to crack.
Leah had already survived several near-death experiences on her very first expedition. Honestly, I'd noticed her mental state was looking a bit precarious for a while now.
Managing a teammate's mental health is part of the job.
If a team member starts acting out in the Labyrinth due to trauma, it's a disaster. As the senior adventurer, I decided I could make a small sacrifice for her well-being.
After agonizing over the consequences, I finally made a decision.
"My Lady."
"Yes? Yes?!"
"Once we're outside… you can never, ever speak of this. To anyone."
"Oh! Of course not!"
If a rumor spread that I'd let the Young Lady handle my business while trapped in a dungeon, there was no telling how many different ways the Marquis would kill me. I could tell from her stories that Marquis Lionel was a terrifyingly doting father. This was a matter of survival.
"Honestly… this is the first time I've ever had a request like this."
"Sorry. Is it not possible?"
"Fine. Just… just check the shape."
"Okay!"
The moment I gave permission, she knelt down, gulping nervously. This was insane. She was actually serious.
Haa…
Sighing deeply, I lowered my pants. I couldn't say no to those expectant eyes.
"Wo-wow…!"
Her eyes sparkled as she examined me.
"Does it usually get this big? Is everyone's like this?"
"Uh, no. Not really. Mine is… exceptionally large."
I figured I should tell her the truth, just in case she ended up disappointed by her future husband's size. She nodded, her nose twitching as she leaned in.
"Wow. Look at the veins."
The bulging veins probably made it look grotesque, but was she into that? Why did she keep swallowing?
"Hey, porter."
"Yes?"
"Um, I'm really sorry, but… can I touch it?"
"Huh? No, My Lady, that's—"
"Oh, come on. I'm just curious what it feels like. Just curious!"
"…"
I reluctantly nodded. I'd truly seen it all now. A noble lady was about to grab me.
And she was breathtakingly beautiful. She had a cute bob, elegant blonde hair, sparkling eyes, and a perfect noble profile. Even covered in dungeon grime, her beauty was devastating. To have someone like her looking at my junk with such wonder… it really drove home the fact that we were in the Labyrinth. Bizarre things happen down here.
"It's hard. It feels soft on the outside, but it's so firm. Is there really no bone?"
"Yes. No bone. It's just blood rushing into the tissues."
"Wow. No bone… but doesn't it get uncomfortable when it's this big?"
"Well, yeah. It's a bit uncomfortable. It can even hurt if it stays like this too long."
"Ohh. I see."
"Yes. Huh? Ah, My Lady! Wait a minute!"
She chuckled playfully and started moving her hand back and forth.
Crazy.
Her movements were awkward, like she was handling a new toy for the first time. She looked up at me and grinned, her face flushed with a mix of embarrassment and mischief.
"Porter, you look so stupid right now."
"Ugh…"
This was getting dangerous. If I didn't stop her, I was going to do something terrible. If I finished on her face, I was a dead man.
"U-um, My Lady. You should probably stop soon…"
"Huh? Why? I just started…"
"W-well, you see…"
I couldn't exactly tell her I was about to blow. But how else was I supposed to explain it? It was my body; shouldn't "stop" be enough?
"Lady Leah!"
Suddenly, a head poked into the room.
It was a woman with purple hair. A familiar face. It was Rien, the witch from our original team who had been separated during the Great Upheaval.
Of all the moments for the rescue team to find us, it had to be this one. The only saving grace was that the entrance was narrow, so the rest of the rescue party couldn't see past her.
"Gasp!"
"Uh-oh!"
"W-what are you two… Ugh, ugh!"
"Quick, put your pants up! Hurry!"
While Leah lunged at Rien, I scrambled to pull my pants back on. Leah clamped both hands over the witch's mouth before she could scream, shaking her head violently.
If this got out, we were both doomed. I'd be executed, and Leah's reputation would be shredded. She'd never be able to show her face in the Labyrinth City again.
"Mmph..! Mmph!"
"Rien. Listen to me. You cannot tell anyone what you just saw. If you do, I'll die, and the porter will die. Do you understand? Nobody!"
"M-mkay."
"Phew."
When Leah finally let go, Rien glared at me with pure murder in her eyes. I wanted to protest—I didn't ask for this! I was the victim here! But now wasn't the time to complain.
As if on cue, the potion's side effect finally wore off. My equipment returned to its resting state just as the rescue team pulled us out of the room and led us toward the surface.
In the end, we never did finish raiding the Hoarding Rabbit's nest. We were rescued much faster than I ever expected.