Just her being near me was setting me on edge.
Both of us are sitting on the bed now, Helena's knee brushing mine. Some of the pins were pulled off, and strands loosened from the two braids. She looked... relaxed.
I also let myself relax my shoulders down, she placed her hand on mine. "Of all the people present tonight, you're probably the only one I can trust right now."
I cocked an eyebrow, questioning that I didn't doubt that court was deceitful and was not safe for anyone, but to trust me was also generous. I had my own motivations too.
"I do not trust him," she did not need to say who "him" was.
She bit her lip and waited for the words to come out of her mouth. "My friend Tara, she's a maid, and when he last visited, when she helped him into his bedchamber, he forced himself on her."
Surprisingly, the tension that went through my body wasn't shock, it was terror. It's not unusual for such a thing to happen, but servants are protected by their masters. To attack the people who host you in their home, that's considered a sin.
"After what happened, I sent all the maids out of the house. And when he came back for another visit, he got drunk and started a fire, killing two young boys."
I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to process the information she had just told me.
"My future husband is a rapist and murderer." She trembled, "They prepared me for my wedding night, but I'm not willing to have my first time being laid by..."
She couldn't finish the sentence.
"After considerable thought, if you would like me to, to sleep with you tonight."
Is she just…?
"No, no way. I'm not doing this. It's too dangerous." I backed away from her as if she were on fire. I needed to be cautious about this, but a small inkling part of me needed this and wanted her. "Why would I do this? I'm not disobeying your father's orders. I'd like to keep every limb that I own intact."
Wait, do I have a choice here?
Helena has a higher ranking than me, so if she were to ask me, I would have to do so. Then again, she said this was my choice. I look at her with interpretation.
She's dangerous and too beautiful for her own good, but not enough for me to risk my life.
Her bottom lip trembles lightly, but she holds it steady. I hurt her feelings. I clutch her hand in support. "As much as you're beautiful, I don't know if I'm willing to risk your life like that."
Raising her pointer finger, saying, "That's why you and I are going to escape to..."
She pulled out the map from her desk and spread the map around her bed. It was so large that it stretched to the sides of the bed. Small drawings of lakes and ship routes, lands whose names I had long forgotten. She crouches down, the tips of her blonde hair landing on different countries. Her fingers wandered until they landed on my homeland, Hajimari.
The home from which I had been banished.
"I want to get out of here and escape to another country. I've heard that your homeland is not an ally but not an enemy. So that they won't return me to my father or sell my body to his enemies. So I thought this would be a good place to hide. I'd be happy if you came with me."
Let it sink in, go home? I haven't been there for at least twenty years. I barely remember what it's like there.
She added, "I know that your dad isn't a good man, but do you think he will help us?"
"I doubt that," I sighed.
I turned to her. "Do you know how I came to be at the royal court?"
Biting her lip before glancing at me. She acknowledges the truth, "Your father sold you."
"He wasn't my father."
That definitely got her attention. She sits upright, listening. My sigh is long and imminent, but she waits.
"My parents' marriage wasn't good. They were never close, but there was an agreement between them. After she had too many miscarriages, they drifted apart. My mother found her way into another man's bed, and I'm the result. I'm a bastard."
Hearing myself say the words, making them real, felt good. "My father didn't like to acknowledge my existence. He wanted a son who would want to hunt with him or be interested in swordsmanship. He tried to bond with me, but we weren't alike, and it was very obvious. I quickly became a threat. If people knew the truth, they would have called them weak, saying that he couldn't keep his wife in his own bed. If I couldn't be like him, then I had to be ignored as a relative."
Feeling like I exposed myself way too much and let her see too much.
Helena has an assessing glance on her before she has a hand landing on my shoulder. "Both of our fathers are shit then."
I crack a real grin, one that I can almost feel is real.
She tilted her chin forward. "I only knew one of my sisters, back when my father was allowed to mess around with maids and ladies of court. We played knights in the sun almost every day. Until it wasn't right for her to stay in the palace. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't try to help her or do anything about it."
She's right. Bastards have an expiration date. They were usually kept in separate households or orphanages.
Although I looked different, my mother was very protective of me at first and wanted me to know my brothers. I was one of seven brothers and sisters. The younger ones were born long after I left. I'm sure that they don't even know that I exist.
None of them ever tried to communicate with me ever since I was sent here. My younger sister was born a year after me as sort of an apology from my mother about me. My two older brothers were rightful pricks, but she always gave them hell for trying to pick on me.
I stand up on easy feet doing the same walking back and forth that seems to help Dewey. I offered, "I know some people there who would give you safe passage. I'll give you the names. I'll send them a letter. You'll have a new identity and a place to live, maybe a job."
Helena walks over from the bed putting herself closer. Closer than any point in this conversation.
She has to tilt slightly her chin, since I'm not in eye level with her into my eyes. She seems to pour her essence into my eyes from hers as if to instill understanding in me. "I chose you, not because of your connection to your father. I chose you because you're Tajiri."