ROANNE.
"I can't believe this!" Cassie yells, bouncing off the couch and pacing. I came to hers after
Church, took a shower and now we're in the living room together. I just filled her in on
everything that happened in London. "He's acting so very different"
I hug my knees. "Yeah. Almost like he's an entirely different person. But he is now, isn't
he? Different name, different attitude. His hair is so styled now, Cassie. Remember then.
He'd run a comb through it once and that was it" The memory makes me smile a bit, but
Cassie doesn't smile. She comes to sit beside me.
"Hey, so I was thinking...what if this is the one that isn't him. What if he's actually Scott
and not Grayson. Like, Grayson's the one who's acting" She muses and I raise my
eyebrows.
"What are you on about?"
She sighs.
"I meannn. What if he was being real when he was with you and now this is an act that
Grayson Reed has to put up to step into his grandfather's shoes perfectly? He's under a
lot of pressure right now, and scrutiny from the business world. He needs to prove to
everyone that his grandfather's shoes aren't too big or too small. They need to fit
perfectly."
She's saying that he's putting up an act for the world. That Scott is real and Grayson is
not.
"Uhn uhn uhn. Don't get that look in your eyes. What I said may be right, but that no
longer matters to us, babe. The Scott or Grayson chapter is over. And it's gonna hurt for a
while, but that's fine. It's nothing we haven't handled before" She says and I scoff
playfully.
"What I had with Scott is nothing like what I had with Han"
"I know. But we're gonna act like it was" She says and I nod.
"Yeah"
"Great. Now, let's go look for something to eat"
"I ate lunch in Church already. I'm so full"
"You need to stop eating food there. You don't know where it's from or who made it"
She says, and walks to the kitchen. I follow behind.
"And you need to start trusting the Church. Even start going."
"No" That's what she does every time. End it with a 'no' and I usually drop it, but not this
time.
"Cassie" I call and I see her eyes tear up as she scoffs and starts bringing out veggies
from the fridge.
"The Church hurt me, Roanne. I'm not going back there, ever"
I sigh, saying a quick prayer, asking for the Holy Spirit to help me. Cassie and I may seem
so close, but we met about 4 years ago and I know she hides lots from me. I know she
has a past she never wants to talk about, and I know she hates the Church. I just don't
know why.
"I can see wheels turning in your head, so you better stop them. I love God, no doubt, but
nothing you say will make me go back there. I can read my Bible just fine on my bed" She
says, stuffing her blender with tomatoes, onions and pepper.
My eyes run through the ingredients she has on the table and I can figure out what she's
making. Cassie is Nigerian. Her first name is Ifeoma, which means 'Good things' and
even though she never uses it, I love it, because that's all she's ever brought to my life
since I met her. She came to the US for College when she was 17, and now she's 26. Just
26, and she's already sworn off boys and Church. And while I kinda understand the
'boys' part, she's never spoken of the 'Church' part. I measure out some rice and start
washing, deciding to try the other way.
"You know, I tell you everything and I think I'm being robbed, because you don't tell me
anything"
She puts on the blender, but I don't let the noise deter me. I yell over it.
"Why won't you tell me?! Why the girl who loves Nigeria so much, came to the US and
doesn't wanna go back, doesn't speak of her parents, doesn't talk about anything that
happened before College. I think I've given you enough time, Cassie!"
I'm about to search for a rice cooker when I remember she doesn't have one. She said
and I quote; 'Rice should be cooked in a pot. What is a rice cooker?'
"You didn't wash it enough" She bumps me away and washes the rice about two more
times before putting the rice into the pot of boiling water.
"Cassie!" I yell in a sing-song voice, and she glares at me, her mouth opening to say
something, but then she doesn't. She just starts chopping onions. "Talk to me. Please" I
don't yell this time, but I know she hears me.
She sighs and turns to me. Raising a hand to signal 'wait' as she turns off the blender and
pours the paste into a sieve. Her eyes are teary, but I don't know if it's because of the
onions or something else.
When she's done, she reduces the flames under the pot of rice, washes her hands and
walks to the living room. I follow behind her. When she sits down, I sit too. Then, she
clears her throat.
"I had my first serious crush when I was 12. So, I got exposed to feelings pretty early, but
there was a limit to that exposure. We were in a seminary school, like a Church school,
so there were pretty strict rules. Love for me then was love letters and short walks to the
dining hall, eyes locking, hands subtly touching, and even though our lips never touched,
it felt like they did. Because to me, there was something really intimate about us both
pretending we didn't feel so much when we were in the same room. He officially asked
me out when we were 15, just 6 months shy of his death. He was sick, very sick and he
didn't tell me. I get it. We were really young and he was probably scared too"
"What?" It just shoots out of my mouth and she sighs.
"I think that's when I knew it was more. All that time, I had somehow made myself think
that it was just a secondary school crush. But it was so much more, babe. And no one
would believe me, but it was. I was mourning and it was even worse, because I couldn't
tell anyone. Just then, my parents decided that it'd be a great idea to go on a Summer
vacation to Wales. And I met a guy, Roanne"
I sit up as she tenses.
"I was in deep grief and my parents encouraged to take up some work, so we could you
know, earn in pounds a bit. So, I got into babysitting. I wasn't 16 yet, so it was hard to get
a job, but I was really mature for my age, and I'm tall, so it worked out with a rich family.
I think they were just desperate. They needed to travel out, their oldest son had just
gotten into college and their twin daughters' nannies only came in the mornings and
stayed till afternoon, so I got the job."
"Really?"
"Yeah. They really had to travel out. I think it was impromptu. My work started by 3pm
and ended by 7. My dad would come to pick me up. It really wasn't a problem. Wait"
She gets up and goes to the kitchen, probably to check on the rice, so I just follow her.
"Just cook. I'll stay here" I say and she nods and puts butter in the pan, and starts
cooking as she continues the story.
"For the first week, the job went really nicely. Only one of the two girls was a hassle. The
other as calm as a dove. We found our rhythm in two weeks. They helped with my grief.
But then, the oldest son returned for summer break. Which surprised me, because they
said he had just gone to School, clearly they didn't have much communication"
Ah, I see where this is going.
"He never saw me as a kid, Roanne. It was crazy and probably really stupid, but it was
the best time of my life."
"Cassie. How old was he?"
She pours in the paste and turns to me, closing her eyes before she answers.
"19"
The gasp leaves my lips before I know it and she starts crying.
"He- He deserves to go to jail! You were a kid, Cassie!"
"No. No. I wasn't a kid. I know I was 15, but I didn't have the best life growing up, age is
just a number, your experience is really what grows you. I was well aware of everything,
I made all my decisions with a rational mind. And it was only once" Her eyes go to the
ground.
"What was once?"
She brings out some already boiled meat and stock from the fridge, pouring the stock
into the pot of frying paste and onions. She's made jollof rice in front of me so many
times, I have all the steps in my head. It was never my mother's favourite way to have
rice, but Cassie slowly made it mine.
"We had sex. Once"
"Oh my God." Her eyes come up, and drill into me, as if daring me to say something
negative, but I'm just worried. Worried at where this story is going.
"It was all me. You see, I didn't tell him I was going back soon, but the summer flew by
quickly. And I just- I had needs and while they'd never come up before I met him, I
couldn't think straight that night. It was about 3 days before we were to fly back, and my
parents told me that that would be my last day at work. He got home late, and really
tipsy"
"No"
No.
"I-i didn't take advantage of him, Roanne. Except I probably did. I don't know what came
over me, I like to say it's the devil, but I don't even think I believe that. I begged him,
Roanne. For the whole time we spent together, he was putting boundaries, drawing
lines. He never failed to tell me how he felt, but he also never failed to tell me that if we
were to have anything serious it would be illegal. Long story short, I think he couldn't
resist so much, not when I threw myself at him that bad." She turns back to the pot, like
she cannot meet my eyes.
She pours the rice from the sieve into the pot and after a few pats, she covers the pot
with a foil wrap and the cover. Then, she leads me to sit on the kitchen island.
"I remember it so clearly even 11 years after. I've not had sex after that of course, it's
fornication. Not like I didn't know it was fornication at the time either, but I hadn't really
established my relationship with God. I was just starting to when I lost him. So that took
me a few miles back" She smiles a sad smile. "Anyways. I waited till he slept off and I ran
out. I was ashamed, I was scared. He cleaned me off after, but I still first so dirty, I felt
like a sinner to my bones, and I was, wasn't I? I called my dad to pick me up, and we
were staying with my cousins at the time, so we had a full house. I didn't have enough
time to dwell on it. In a flash, we were flying back home. My phone was buzzing, girl"
She attempts a very fake laugh.
"He was calling?"
"Yeah. He was calling, texting, video calling, everything. He even sent me an email. But I
felt so guilty, so wrong. To me, there was no way God would accept me back. I didn't
know better. When I got home, I buried myself in my books, preparing for my all my
external exams, but then, a month passed, school had begun and I didn't see my period"
Oh God.
"You know, I didn't even think of it. I didn't know a lot about the woman's body. My
mother never gave me that "talk".
"I can't believe he didn't use a condom"
"That's the thing, Roanne. I vividly remember him putting on one. My guess is it
probably cut or something. Anyways, I was pregnant. And I was about two months in
when I got it confirmed. It wasn't so easy to get a pregnancy test. My friends joked about
getting one when I spoke about my period, so I did. And I found out and my mother met
me in the toilet, the test in hand, tears streaming down my face and guess what the first
thing she said to me was."
I shake my head, my eyes welling.
"She said; 'so my daughter is a prostitute" She bursts into tears now, but she keeps
talking. "She started to cry, murmuring about how her life was finished, and how she
was gonna face the public, her church members, my dad. And then she looked me in eyes
and said I had to get an abortion. That she knows someone, and she'd book an
appointment. She said I had to get it early that that way I wasn't killing a child. She lifted
my top and cried harder. I was showing already. She said they'd know when we get to
Church. Said she saw something different, she just never guessed I would be pregnant.
She just kept talking, and I just kept crying, and we were a mess on the floor. She never
once hugged me. I just wanted her to hold me and lie to me that it was going to be okay."
"Cassie.."
"Word somehow started to get around at School, that I was pregnant. I think it's my little
sister. I think she heard something. I never asked, but we were never best of friends
anyways. I wouldn't put it past her. My school mates were also my church mates, so
everything kinda went tumbling down so quickly. The first Church service I attended
during the whole thing, the eyes were drilling holes in my back. They weren't even
whispering. They said everything I felt. They called me dirty, called me a prostitute, they
called me anything possible, Roanne. And suddenly Church felt like prison to me. I was
trying to get God to accept me again, but then they pushed me away. My mum got her
fair share of shame, so she banned me from going to Church, banned me from going
anywhere. I missed school for two weeks. So, I ran away from home one night. Didn't
know where I was going to, but I just ran. I got attacked under a bridge. Under bridges
over there in Nigeria is a very rough place. I was too young to be there. Thankfully I
wasn't raped. They just wanted money or something and when they found nothing, they
hit me and went their way. I woke up in the hospital. I guess I somehow fainted or
something. Anyway, I lost the child, I lost my baby, Roanne" She cries so hard, short
gasps leaving her lips. But she continues.
"My parents were contacted and then my mum said it'd be better for me to go back
abroad. But this time to the US here. To stay with my Aunt. I wrote my SSCE exams and
all of that, then I took the SAT. Did everything they told me to. She said it was for a short
while. Just till everything calms down. But I saw it in her eyes at the airport. I saw it in
my dad's absence. They were getting rid of me. I remember the Bible verse my mother
left me with. Matthew 5:29"
I find myself reciting it, because Cassie says it a lot.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more
profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast
into hell."
She smiles.
"At the time, I thought she was leaving me with an advice. It was when I grew older that I
realised that she was telling me that I was her 'right eye' and she was cutting me off."
I jump down from the island and pull her into my arms. She's been through so much.
She's just really a sunshine sometimes, that I cannot even imagine that she would have
gone through anything like this. She lost her child. She lost her child. I'm sure she was
drowned in guilt and pain, and she had no one. She was so young. Too young
"I never hated God all those times. To me, I was just reaping what I sowed. But, I hated
myself, I hated him. He didn't do anything wrong, Cassie. It was easy to blame him when
I was 15, but he didn't do anything wrong."
"No. He could have made sure nothing happened between you two. He could have
stopped it, Cassie. He could have-"
"-The heart wants what it wants. Grayson is 28 and you're 24. That's a 4-year difference.
That's the same difference that we had. He was 19 and I was 15. 4 years too."
"It's not the same"
Look. I'm not putting all the blame on this guy, but he knew better at the time. He had to
have known better. I would say the same if the genders were reversed too. The older one
knows better.
"I took advantage of him. He was drunk, and he wasn't even a Christian. He didn't believe
in God. I made all the wrong choices. I jumped him that night. I got his texts after. He was
worried to death, and he kept apologising and he was the sweetest to me, Cassie. I'm not
in love with him. So, I'm not speaking from a place of love or obsession or anything. I'm
being rational. That's what happened. So, I won't blame anyone but myself. But I can't
stand the Church, Roanne. I tried to walk into a few Churches and all I could feel were
stares and I could hear their whispering voices so loud in my ear. If somehow laughs, I'd
swear that they were laughing at me. So, don't try. I won't go to Church. I won't"
She says all that in my arms. She's slightly bigger than me, so it kinda feels like she's the
one holding me, but I keep my arms tight around her.
"Okay" I decide to let it go for now. "And Cassie. God never hated you. Even when we go
so far away from Him, He never stops loving us. Just like the prodigal son. He'll always
accept us as we are."
"Yeah. I know that now" She whispers in return.
We stay like that till we smell the rice burning and then even though I'm not hungry, I
eat with her in silence, and after loading the dishwasher, she cries again. I hold her, as
she cries and cries and cries.
After a while, we both put on warm clothes and go out for a walk. The mood has shifted,
and we're now talking and laughing. No thoughts about Grayson or the 17-year old
Cassie that made one-too-many mistakes. We've been sad enough. The tears need to
end.
"Hey. I'm probably going to sleepover, so let me rush in to get a sponge and toothbrush.
Wanna come in with me?" I ask, when we reach the store.
"Nah. I need some fresh air. I'll wait for you here."
"Okay" I say, and rush in. The line is a bit long at the counter so it takes a while, but when
I get back outside, I don't see Cassie, so I dial her number, and her phone rings. It's on
the floor.
Huh?
I pick it up and the screen is battered, like it fell to the ground with a force. Her pepper
spray is also on the ground. My heartbeat picks up.
"Oh God, no."