Jaime stared at Brienne as she watched Tyrion leave the room. He hadn't been able to take his eyes off her since she'd started talking. She'd played Tyrion, Jaime was certain of it, but he wasn't quite sure why. As far as he knew, Tyrion and Sansa were on good terms, so what possible reason could Brienne have had for subterfuge? Was she trying to play matchmaker to Tyrion and Sansa the way Tyrion was trying to play matchmaker to them? Jaime knew Brienne well enough to know that such petty games were beneath her. No, if she had misled Tyrion in any way, it was because Queen Sansa had put her up to it and for no other reason.
Once Tyrion was gone, Brienne turned back toward the table and her eyes instantly locked with Jaime's. Her cheeks flushed a shade darker, but in no other way did she betray her emotions. She quickly broke his gaze and concentrated on her plate, finishing what was left of her meal.
Jaime picked up his fork and idly toyed with the remnants of his dinner. "Why did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Ask for Tyrion's help as if the queen herself hadn't put you up to it?"
The hint of a smile curved Brienne's lips, and Jaime's heart thudded against his ribs. He'd truly thought never to see her smile again.
"Although I am loyal to King Bran," Brienne answered, "the queen is a dear friend, and if she asks for my help, I am always happy to give it."
"So she asked you to question Tyrion without letting him know of her involvement?"
Brienne's smile grew infinitesimally wider. "I'm afraid I can't answer that, since I'd never betray the confidence of a friend."
Jaime laughed. "I suppose that means you're not going to tell me what the queen is up to, even if I ask nicely?"
Brienne stared up at him with innocent eyes, and Jaime's breath caught in his throat. For the first time since he'd returned, he was overcome by the urge to kiss her. There was something so sweet about the way she was looking at him. He knew it was mock innocence, of course, but he found it charming just the same.
"And who says the queen is up to something?" Brienne asked.
Jaime reached for his goblet, cradling it in the palm of his hand as he pondered how to respond. "There are only two things Sansa Stark could be up to. Either she wants Tyrion's opinion but is afraid to ask him outright because of their history, or she's in love with him and is hoping that this little errand you've sent him on will force his hand."
Brienne fought back another smile, and Jaime was startled to realize that he'd somehow stumbled upon the truth.
"Seven hells," he whispered, barely able to get the words out. "Sansa Stark is in love with my brother?"
"I didn't say that," Brienne replied as she lifted her own glass and took a sip.
Jaime finally raised his goblet and downed half its contents. He understood Tyrion's feelings for Sansa, but he was slightly baffled by Sansa's feelings for Tyrion. It wasn't that he thought his brother was a bad prospect, but he was amazed by the idea that Sansa Stark, of all people, had been able to look beyond Tyrion's shortcomings and see him as a man worthy of her love.
When Jaime lowered his glass again, he found that Brienne had gone back to picking at her dinner as if she hadn't just revealed a monumental secret.
"You . . . you can't be serious," Jaime said, drawing Brienne's eyes back to him.
"I didn't say anything. You drew your own conclusions, remember?"
"Brienne, please. We need to talk about this."
Brienne put down her fork and squared her shoulders, giving Jaime her full attention. "And why do we need to talk about this?"
"Because regardless of what happened between us, you love Sansa as much as I love Tyrion, and if we can do anything to help them find happiness together, then we most definitely should."
"Fine," Brienne replied. "Sansa is in love with Tyrion, but if you tell another living soul, you will answer for it at the point of my sword. Do you understand?"
Jaime understood perfectly, though he wasn't the least bit afraid that Brienne would make good on her threat. He would never betray her again. Not for duty, not for honor, not for anything. "I understand. I won't say a word."
Brienne exhaled a tremulous sigh, and her shoulders sank just a little. She seemed relieved to have finally shared her secret with someone, and Jaime felt a small sense of pride that he'd been the one she'd chosen to share it with.
"It's quite lonely up north," Brienne said, "particularly for Sansa. Bran is here in King's Landing, Jon is north of the Wall, Arya is gods-only-know where. Sansa has no one close to her anymore. When I was granted the position as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, I offered to turn it down, to stay at Winterfell with her, but she encouraged me to go. And now, she has no one."
"But what does that have to do with her feelings for Tyrion?" Jaime asked, resting his forearms on the table and leaning in closer. He was surprised by how natural this all felt. Despite the pain, the anger, the months that stood between them, it felt like no time had passed at all. "Just because she's lonely doesn't necessarily mean that she's in love with my brother."
"I don't know all the details," Brienne said, "but something happened between them in the crypts the night the White Walkers attacked Winterfell. And ever since that night, Sansa has looked at Tyrion with new eyes. She admires him. She respects him. And yes, she even loves him, though she's never confessed it to me. I know love when I see it. And I know that Sansa loves Tyrion just as much as Tyrion loves Sansa."
Jaime gazed into Brienne's eyes, wishing she could see the love he still felt for her. He remembered what she'd written in The Book of Brothers, every last word of it, and he wondered if, knowing what she knew now, she would still have written those same words. Brienne had cared for him once, loved him once, but he didn't think she could ever love him again. Not that it mattered, really. She was Lord Commander of the Kingsguard and was sworn to a lifetime of servitude and celibacy. Even if they somehow resolved all the difficulties between them, they could never be anything more than friends.
"Is there something you wish to say, Lord Jaime?" Brienne asked, refusing to falter under his stare.
Jaime racked his brain, trying to figure out how to reply. He wanted to confess his undying love, but he knew such a confession would be unwelcome, so he desperately searched for something else to say. He had tried to explain himself to Brienne before, and he had failed miserably. Now that they were finally alone together again, he had to try one more time. "I need to tell you why I left."
Brienne shifted uncomfortably in her seat, and her eyes flickered from his for just a moment. When she met his gaze again, she said, "I don't want to hear it."
"Well, you have to. You have to know why I did what I did, why I left. You don't have to like it. You don't have to forgive me. In fact, I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'm just asking you to listen, that's all."
"And why should I listen to you? I don't owe you anything."
"No, you're right, you don't. But for the man I once was, for the man you once cared for, please, at least listen to what I have to say."
Brienne was quiet for a moment, and Jaime's heart lodged in his throat. He knew she had every right to refuse him, knew she was free to get up and leave without listening to a single word he had to say, but he hoped she wouldn't.
Finally, Brienne said, "I will listen, but you must be completely honest with me. Don't lie to spare my feelings or because you think it's the noble thing to do. If you're going to talk, I want the truth, Jaime Lannister. All of it."
Jaime slowly nodded, shoring himself up. "All right, the truth. The truth is . . ." He paused, struggling to find the right words. He had no problem being honest with Brienne, but he wasn't quite sure where to start.
"Is it really that hard for you to tell the truth?"
Jaime chose to ignore the less than charitable remark. "The truth is that I went to King's Landing to kill Cersei, to put an end to her. I knew I was the only one who could get close enough to do it."
Brienne stared at him in cold silence, and he couldn't tell if she thought he was lying or telling the truth. It was a long time before she finally spoke. "You don't really expect me to believe that, do you?"
"It's the truth."
"Is it?" Brienne arched a brow in challenge. "And did you kill Cersei? Did you save Westeros from her evil reign?"
"No," Jaime said in a small voice. "I didn't."
Brienne snickered. "Then what did you do?"
Jaime inhaled a steadying breath, trying to calm his nerves. It was a long, difficult story, and he'd barely just begun. He feared he wouldn't get very much further before Brienne stormed from the room.
"By the time I reached King's Landing, the gates to the Red Keep were already closing, and I had to find another way in. I went down to the shore, to make my way in through the tunnels beneath the keep, and there, I was set upon by Euron Greyjoy."
Brienne's posture stiffened almost imperceptibly, and although she didn't speak, Jaime could see that she was troubled by the other man's name.
"We fought," Jaime said, "and before I was able to kill him, he stabbed me in my side." Jaime reached beneath the table, placing his hand against his left flank, where the wound still bore witness to the event. It was an unconscious gesture, one he often made whenever thinking about that fateful day. "The wound was deep, and I honestly thought I was going to die. Once I was sure Greyjoy was no longer a threat, I continued on, making it to the Red Keep and finding Cersei."
Brienne drew in a long, slow breath, and Jaime could feel the tension rising around them. It was just as hard for Brienne to hear Cersei's name as it was for Jaime to say it. He didn't want to tell Brienne this story, but he knew he had no choice. All he had to do was tell it once, and he'd never have to tell it again.
Jaime went on, "By the time I reached her, the Red Keep was already beginning to crumble around us. Cersei was terrified, more frightened than I'd ever seen her before. At that point, I knew there was no hope of either one of us escaping, and suddenly, knowing that she was going to die anyway, I didn't have the heart to end her life."
"Because you still loved her."
The hardness in Brienne's tone made Jaime's heart beat faster, and he stumbled over his reply. "Yes. I mean, no. I mean, yes, I still loved her. She was my sister, and in that way, I will always love her, despite what she was, despite all the horrible things she did. But I wasn't in love with her, if that's what you're thinking. I spared her, showed her mercy, because I loved her like a sister, not because she had my heart."
Brienne's eyes were startlingly cold as she stared back at him, and Jaime knew his words had hurt her. But she'd asked for honesty, and that was what he intended to give her. He would tell her the truth, all of it, even if it hurt them both.
"And then what happened?" Brienne asked, her tone as icy as her stare.
Jaime lifted his hand and rested it on the table. He fidgeted with the knife beside his plate as he fought to continue the story. "Tyrion thought I had gone to the Red Keep to help Cersei escape. I didn't want anyone to know the truth at that point. I hadn't quite come to terms with it myself. So Tyrion arranged for a dinghy to be left for us in a small cove just beyond the tunnels. The plan was for Cersei and me to escape through the tunnels and then row to safety. It wasn't a very good plan, but then, it didn't have to be. I never expected to escape the Red Keep with my life. But when I saw the fear in Cersei's eyes, the fear for her life and for the life of our unborn child, I . . . I knew I had to do something. I at least had to try."
"So the rumors were true then? Cersei was pregnant with your child?"
"She was," Jaime said softly, the loss of the unborn babe still painful for him even after six long months. "She was pregnant with my child, which is why, in those last moments, I tried to find a way out. I knew it was hopeless, but I couldn't stop myself."
"Because you're always going to love Cersei more than you love anyone else, even yourself."
Jaime's fingers tightened around the knife, and he felt the urge to stab something. "I'm not in love with Cersei!" he nearly shouted. "I felt guilty for abandoning her, for going to King's Landing just to kill her and our unborn child. I knew she was going to die. I thought I was going to die! I thought the least I could do was comfort her as the walls fell around us. I'm sorry if you think that means more than it does. I'm sorry if you can't believe that I'm telling you the truth, but I am. Every word I have said to you has been the truth. But if you would rather believe otherwise, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. You'll believe what you want to believe, no matter what I say or do."
Jaime expected Brienne to get up from the table and storm from the room. But she didn't. She just turned her face away from him and stared at the line of windows on the opposite wall.
The silence was almost unbearable as Jaime waited for her to respond. It was a very long time before she finally looked at him again. When she did, all she said was, "I believe you."
Jaime exhaled a relieved sigh, his shoulders slumping and his fingers relaxing against the knife.
"However," Brienne continued, "that doesn't change anything. You could have been honest with me from the start. You could have told me why you were going to King's Landing, but you didn't. Instead, you chose to leave me standing in the yard, crying my heart out, as you rode off to be with the woman you once loved."
"I told you why I did that, why I didn't tell you the truth."
"Yes, you said you did it so that I wouldn't follow you, that you did it to protect me. But who gave you the right to make such an important decision about my life? When we were together," her voice quavered ever so slightly, "I thought we were equals—"
"We are equals."
"And equals in a relationship do not keep secrets from each other. They do not make life-altering decisions without consulting each other. They don't lie because they think it's what's best for the other person. You did everything wrong, Jaime, regardless of your intentions. I am not a helpless damsel who needs protecting. I never have been. And the fact that you could even think such a thing makes me realize that you never truly knew me at all. And you obviously never respected me."
"I respect you more than I have ever respected anyone in my entire life. I made you a knight, for gods' sakes! I wouldn't have done that if I didn't think you were the bravest, truest soul I had ever known."
"And yet, you left me alone at Winterfell so that you could go play the big, strong, self-sacrificing hero in King's Landing. Thank you, Jaime, but no thank you. I think I've had enough for one night."
Brienne threw her napkin onto the table and stood, and Jaime instantly scrambled out of his chair.
"Brienne, please—"
She held up a hand, stopping him. "I don't want to hear any more tonight. Tomorrow, when you and I see each other in the small council chamber, we will forget all about this, forget that it ever happened. Forget that any of it ever happened. I have a duty to the king, a duty to the realm. I will do what is required of me as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. I will work with you if I have to, but there will never be anything between us again, Jaime Lannister. We will sit together on the small council, we will work together when we must, but that is all."
"I'm sorry you feel that way," Jaime said, barely able to catch his breath. He felt like he'd just been punched in the gut.
"So am I," Brienne replied, her voice cracking. Jaime thought he saw tears glistening in her eyes, but it might have been a trick of the light. "Good night, Lord Jaime."
"Good night, Ser Brienne."
Brienne turned around and quietly exited the room, leaving Jaime alone with his regrets.