The night air that surrounded me was cold and quiet.
There was a faint hint of a breeze but aside from that, my surroundings betrayed no other motion or noise.
I briefly checked my watch and an annoyed sound came out of my mouth.
It was a natural consequence of the time of day, I supposed.
Still, it's not like I could say that the utter silence didn't feel a bit stifling.
I blew the bangs that had somehow managed to stick to my forehead, out of my eyes.
In the past, I'd always enjoyed looking out my small balcony. If I were struggling with a decision or something troublesome was on my mind, it served as a spot of meditation for me, one where I could think things through and wrestle with my feelings. At worst, it allowed me to get some fresh air into my lungs and that would usually manage to lift my mood a little…
But today, it felt like even sitting in my favorite chair and looking out across downtown Chiba wasn't enough to cheer me up.
The view wasn't anything to write home about, but it was a constant that I could rely on in my life.
Call it wisdom, or hindsight, or whatever the hell you want, but I had learned from experience that life could be utterly chaotic and sometimes, you just had to roll up your sleeves and hold on for dear life to those constants and never let them go. Sometimes those little things were the only things that kept you going.
"Tch, I really am pathetic," I whispered to myself.
The fact of the matter is that there are very few given things in life, and even fewer that are given and good. Life is change and for some reason that I couldn't quite identify, it seemed that most of the changes that occurred in my life were rarely ever good.
For every happy moment, there always seemed to be one ready and waiting to sour that happiness and for every glimmer of hope, there was a harsh truth waiting to shatter that illusion.
For every want and desire that I held in my heart, there was always reality to scream at me that things weren't quite so simple.
I sighed. Life was complicated.
People, even more so.
Maybe I've overestimated myself once again.
I suddenly thought about all of the events that had transpired since this all began.
It certainly hasn't been perfect, but to me, it's felt... mostly right. But maybe my instincts aren't what they used to be.
Maybe my instincts were never any good in the first place.
The conversation we'd had so recently had played itself over and over in my head since it had happened, and it somehow left me feeling incredibly hollow for a reason I couldn't quite put a finger on.
I remembered the words that were spoken and although they had been ones of assurance and resolution, they seemed a bit empty.
I would be a bold-faced liar if I said that I haven't noticed the issues and concerns that have surfaced recently.
It's not like I've been ignoring them… It's just… not as easy as one might think, to deal with issues like that. It's not neat or simple at all.
In reality, I think we've both realized that, but regardless...
Maybe I was a little selfish…
I've always thought that we were more than a little similar. Of course, it's not like we're carbon copies of one another or anything, but when it comes down to it, I think the way that we approach conflict and deal with others is generally the same.
I can't say for sure but I think that's why we shared such a strong attraction in the first place.
However, the truth is, we might really be quite different after all.
I don't mean to contradict myself here. I think that at our base levels, we share similar sensibilities, but there's a layer somewhere that separates us. There's a fine sheen that differentiates our ways of thinking.
Whether it's due to the gap in our ages or if it exists separately from that, I don't know for sure, but it does exist.
Sometimes I wish we could just know what the other person was thinking.
I wish we could agree without conflict. I wish we were on the same page for once. I wish…
...that he could see it my way.
I'm not an idiot. Knowing what I know now, I realize why he'd been avoiding me for so long.
That conversation that I had with Yukinoshita had gone south quickly. Obviously I knew that. But it wasn't like I had come to school that day planning on cursing and yelling my lungs out at a student… it just happened. She said some ludicrous things in a way that really annoyed me and I reacted.
It might've been harsh, but I didn't say anything I didn't mean… right?
Regardless, the way he looked at me as he told me that he'd overheard everything I'd said to her, it was an expression of confusion and… disappointment.
It had really pissed me off in that moment.
How could he possibly defend her?
Who was Yukinoshita to talk to me like that? Nobody, that's who. Was I not supposed to correct her for getting all snobby with me? Should I have just let a student walk all over me and have her way like she was so accustomed to? No way in hell.
...Admittedly, I did use some words that I probably didn't have to, but it was in the heat of the moment. It was just a slip up in the grand scheme of things.
Besides, I was defending him for pete's sake! She's the one who wanted to kick him out of the club without even talking to him first. She acted like she knew everything about him-that she somehow knew what was best for everyone involved, when in reality, what she wanted was what was best for herself.
I've always hated girls like her. The sanctimonious types that think they're better than you. The ones who look down on you while they have everything in life handed to them on a silver platter.
Still, I could understand why Yukinoshita acted the way she did. It was in her nature to be bossy and entitled. I would expect no less.
But seeing Hikigaya's expression as he recalled those events… that surprised me. I didn't expect such confusion and distrust in his eyes.
And I'd be lying if I said that it didn't make me angry.
I mean, who was he to judge me? As smart as he was, sometimes he just didn't look at things the right way. He wasn't seeing the full picture here nor did he care to piece together the whole situation in its entirety… to consider why I had said the things that I did, rather than just the fact that I'd said them.
...Sometimes I wondered if he understood me at all.
That thought brought forth a dull, yet somehow familiar sense of sadness.
I couldn't help but sigh as my heart fell a bit.
Even before this whole situation with Yukinoshita, I'd felt like we had grown a little... distant. He hasn't outright told me what's been bothering him but it's not like he really has to. As mysterious and coy as he sometimes tries to play at, in situations like these, it's not hard for me to see right through him.
What I have with him... What we have might not be quite what he was expecting. I understood from the get-go that our circumstances were... unique. Unique and complicated.
I had understood that going in. I had understood that we would have to play things close to the chest or we would both put ourselves at risk. That one wrong move could spell disaster for my career. My reputation. His future. A black mark like this could easily be the end for the both of us.
Judging from how he's been acting recently, it was evident that he wasn't on the same page. It was clear that he wanted to just push and push until he got his way. I would be lying if I said that it didn't fucking frustrate me.
...It's not his fault. I sighed.
He's still young. Headstrong and singularly focused. Even if he likes to act like he's above that, it's not hard to see through his bravado.
After all, I was exactly like him when I was younger.
I thought I'd had it all figured out. I thought I was smarter than everyone and everything else.
But that's the thing about young people.
They're always so sure of themselves. They think they know it all.
It's not until they get to somewhere around my age that they can look back and scoff at how foolhardy and clueless they were back then.
I know I have.
...I'm not being entirely fair.
It's not like he's clueless. He's certainly not.
Credit where credit is due, he can be sensitive and understanding in the right situations. I don't think I could possibly have fallen for him so hard if that weren't true.
But there are some things he just doesn't understand yet.
There are some hints that he won't take and some ideas that he clings to that he hasn't fully contemplated. Sometimes he's just foolhardy and impatient and short-sighted and...
Once again, maybe I'm just being selfish.
He… means a lot to me. Honestly, I don't quite know how I ended up in this situation but I do know that much is true at least.
Maybe the divide that has grown between us is my fault. Maybe I haven't expressed myself as well as I could've. Maybe I've been too cowardly.
I reached my hand over to the small glass table to my side and picked a cigarette from the pack. I pulled the lighter from my pants pocket and after igniting the tobacco, I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes.
Maybe I've expected too much but have kept myself at a distance. Just far enough that I could avoid getting burned. But it's not like that's brought me much relief in the past.
Maybe... Just maybe... the things in life that are worth pursuing are worth risking your ass for.
Maybe I'm wrong for not trying everything I can to make this work.
I stamped the cigarette into the glass ashtray to my left and it fizzled out with a quiet hiss.