My first impression of the guy who pointed a finger at me the moment he saw me and asked what kind of bastard I was? Well, it was simply: 'What the hell is wrong with this prick?'
It was because he was doing the whole 'one-man comedy show' routine, and since it had that specific Bleach-style gag energy, I was caught completely off guard.
Wait, if I really think about it, it's not just Bleach-style; it's traditional Japanese comedy. Boke and Tsukkomi. Since I've only been seeing those dreadfully boring Ten Kings lately, it felt strangely refreshing.
Ah, finally feels like I'm in the world of Bleach.
Even as I thought that to myself, my mouth—tainted by the bitterness of reality—spat out words on its own.
"What the hell is this bastard doing?"
Seriously, though, what is he doing? He just pops out of nowhere and accuses me of being flashy and over-the-top? What did I even do?
Shouldn't he explain himself clearly before we start talking about who's right or wrong? I started to move my foot with that thought in mind, but then I felt something squishy underneath. I pulled my foot back and stepped away.
An offering table had been laid out right there. And I had just completely pulverized it under my heel.
Oh, hold on. Right. I forgot these people were holding a ritual. The first guy I made eye contact with after stepping out of Hell prostrated himself so hard I got flustered and completely blanked on the setting.
"My sincerest apologies...! This lad is still young and couldn't control his hot blood! Please, accept my life as an apology and forgive this insolence...!!"
"What? Oh, whatever. Don't worry about it."
I waved my hand dismissively, stepped down from the altar, and picked up one or two pieces of food that looked relatively intact. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten real food in so long, but it was damn delicious.
Especially this apple. On top of that sweet and sour taste that defines an apple, the firm flesh gave a satisfying crunch with every bite. Man...
So sweet.
I nibbled on it for a bit, set the half-eaten apple down, and looked forward. An old man in a Shinto priest's outfit and a crowd of his lackeys were staring at me with faces full of tension.
"What are you looking at? First time seeing someone eat an apple?"
I tossed an unnamed fruit beside me into the air and caught it as I spoke. The guys staring at me flinched and trembled. It's probably because I don't fit the image of a 'god' they have in their heads.
"I know why you're holding this ritual. You're trying to do something about the miasma here at Mount Osore, right?"
"Y-Yes... precisely."
"Right. I'll fix this place up so people can actually live here. So stop coughing up blood from the miasma and get going. You'll die if the toxins keep building up. Shoo, shoo."
As I sat down on a comfortable spot, I saw the priest's expression turn sour. He was clearly looking at me with a face that said, 'Is this really a god...?' so I snorted. God, my ass. I'm just as human as them.
Of course, I had no intention of explaining all that, so I just raised an eyebrow and asked, "Not leaving?" At that, the priest gathered the others and scrambled down the mountain.
I waited for a moment to see if they'd take the food, but no one came back for it. Well, I suppose you don't take back offerings once you've given them to a god. Might as well finish the meal then.
My body isn't exactly ordinary, so I don't need to eat, but my mind is fundamentally human. The pleasure of eating still existed, so I filled my belly for the first time in ages.
However, because of the era, the ritual table was mostly raw fruit, raw fruit, raw fruit, raw rice, and other small things. There was something that looked like a rice cake, but it was basically just steamed raw rice, so I didn't find it appealing.
More importantly, that's what I stepped on earlier. As I finished my meal and licked my lips, I heard a grinding sound—creeeak—and felt a presence behind me. I turned around and locked eyes with that face I was starting to get sick of.
"And what exactly are you eating so heartily?"
"What? I thought you were sending someone, but you came yourself. Don't you have a lot of work?"
"I have enough time to install a gate. And well, there aren't many sinners that reach the Hell of Black Darkness. In terms of sheer volume, the Hells of Needles, Boiling Water, Cold, Swords, Tongues, Snakes, and Sawing are the busiest."
"Well... the most representative ones are clustered at the beginning. Must be nice for you not to have much work?"
"In exchange, I handle quite a few chores. Like what I am doing right now."
I nodded as Jomon shook his head with a cynical smile. I figured I should give our hardworking Jomon something to eat, so I tore off a piece of the pseudo-rice cake from the altar and handed it to him.
"Want some cake?"
"No, I shall decline. Besides, why would I eat food that has been stepped on?"
"Brat, you're sharp."
"If you intended to deceive me, you should have at least torn off a piece without a footprint."
"I wasn't trying to deceive you."
I just wanted to mess with you, I told him. Jomon let out a deep sigh and shook his head. I chuckled as I watched the Hell Gate being installed.
The Hell Gate was as massive and magnificent as its name suggested. On each side of the gate hung a skull twice the size of an average person, and behind them were Buddhist paintings.
Actually, looking closer, it's not traditional. Isn't that Kagaya on the right? Then the one in the middle is me... and Hozuki is on the left.
The Ten Kings were lined up below, and further down, the wardens—the Kushanada, Gozu, and Mezu—were depicted executing sinners in various ways fitting for each Hell.
Peeking inside, the gate didn't lead directly to Hell's sky, but to the Path to the Other Shore leading to the courthouse—specifically, the Pure Spirit Hall, filled with blooming Equinox Flowers.
"Pure Spirit Hall?"
"It is a transit point. Those without sin may stay in the Pure Spirit Hall, but if a sinner tries to linger, the Equinox Flowers transform into brambles and drive them out. Once they cross the river, it is Hell."
"What? I've never heard of that."
The Ten Kings are busy managing their respective Hells, so the Pure Spirit Hall is entirely my responsibility. But what is this? Transforming flowers? Since when were they like robots?
"It is nothing significant, merely an illusion created with Kido. It is a spell I developed alongside the creation of the Kushanada."
"I see... Well, fine. You made a good gate."
"Should it not be at least this much to be worthy of the name 'Hell Gate'?"
"I guess so."
I nodded and stepped back to scan the whole gate again. That's when I noticed my depiction in the center was precisely bisected where the doors would part.
Seeing a placement that was clearly filled with malice, my eye twitched.
"Hey, you bastard. Why did you paint me in the middle of the seam? Every time the gate opens, I get split in half. You wanna die?"
"The Perfect yet Imperfect one. The one who leans toward neither side and maintains himself. I painted you there with that meaning in mind."
He was so incredibly eloquent that I was speechless. He was essentially saying, 'I put you there for a good reason, why are you mad?'
"That logic works on some people and doesn't on others. I'm the latter, you piece of shit."
"Urgh!?"
Incensed by his cheekiness, I smacked him on the back of the head—just hard enough not to crack it—and then pushed him back through the newly installed gate.
"Oh, hey! Take this with you."
I tossed him all the fruits like apples and pears from the altar. Jomon caught them with skilled hands, looked at the fruits, and gave a bitter smile.
"I will enjoy them."
"If you eat them all alone, I'll pull out all your teeth."
"I do not particularly enjoy sweet things. I shall share them with the others."
"There's plenty, so distribute them fairly. I'm going to rest here for a bit before I head back."
It's been a while since I've been outside. Might as well enjoy it. As I was thinking that, there was a rustling sound behind me.
"Then take this with you."
He tossed something back at me. I caught it and saw it was a badge with a skull on it, resembling an identity tag.
"It is the Hell Key. Without it, your only way in is to break the gate, so please do not lose it."
"Fine, got it."
I tucked the badge away and waved him off. Jomon bowed slightly and closed the Hell Gate, which promptly vanished from sight.
"Wait, didn't this bastard say he was sending people to purify this place?"
Why did he just say what he wanted and disappear? Did he dump the chores on me? As I was logically deducing this, the door opened again, and someone stepped out.
"Greetings, Lord Nether King."
It was a woman with long black hair and drooping eyes. Of course, she was a stranger to me.
"A new face."
"My name is Ise Maihime. I serve as the scribe for the Hell of Black Darkness under Lord Jomon's command."
"Ah... I see. I've been so busy managing the gardens in Pure Spirit Hall that I haven't visited the lower Hells since their creation."
"Have you truly never visited the other Hells?"
"Yeah. Other than Jomon and the other three, I don't even know the faces or names of the Ten Kings they appointed. I just figured they'd handle things on their own."
I said that, but since all of Hell is essentially in the palm of my hand, I can move immediately if I feel anyone doing anything shady. It just hasn't happened yet, so I haven't bothered.
"So, are you the one in charge of purification here?"
"Yes. Despite appearances, I was once the head of a priest family. A task of this magnitude can be settled quickly."
"From a priest family but ended up in Hell for sinning?"
"No, I did not commit a crime. Lord Jomon brought me here."
"?"
For a moment, I recalled a conversation I had with Jomon recently.
— It's not like I can just bring successors from the Soul Society, can I?
— If there's talent worth bringing, it's fine though?
— With what face would I dare do such a thing.
Did this bastard lie to me again? Is he doing the exact same shit that got him sent to Hell in the first place? Heat flared in my chest for a second, but I regained my composure by relying on the 100,000 years of trust I had in him. Jomon couldn't be that much of an idiot.
"What do you mean Jomon brought you?"
"Ah, my explanation was lacking. It was I who petitioned Lord Jomon to take me to Hell."
"That's a first. A human crawling into Hell on their own feet. What were you thinking?"
"Seeing the way my family was running... I grew sick of the world of the living."
Ah, right. Family problems. Nothing more to be said there.
I scratched my head and made to leave.
"Oh, you may stay. In fact, it will be problematic if you aren't here."
"Just to be clear, I can't help you, okay? I'm total trash when it comes to Kido and all that."
"No, it's because I forgot to pack a Hell Key. If you aren't here, I won't be able to return to Hell."
...She's from the same mold as Jomon. Clever, but an airhead in the weirdest places.
I let out a long sigh and sat down on a suitable rock. The ground was warm, feeling like a heated floor, which was quite pleasant.
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