So, I went into full-blown detective mode.
Except instead of solving a crime, I was just committing one against my own sanity.
I kept talking to him as "Chloe." I wanted to see where the floor was, you know? I wanted to see how deep this "Good Boy" act actually went.
And let me tell you, it's shallow. It's like a puddle you think is a lake until you step in it and your ankles don't even get wet.
Chloe: You're actually so cute in your profile pic. I love the glasses. They make you look like handsome.
James: Haha, really?? I always thought I just looked like a nerd. You're making me blush, Chloe. Seriously, my heart is actually beating so fast right now.
My heart was beating fast too, but for a different reason. I felt like I was watching a horror movie where the main character keeps walking into the basement.
Don't do it, James, I whispered at my screen. Just mention me. Mention the girl who literally prayed for you.
But he didn't.
Chloe: A guy as sweet as you must have a line of girls at his door. Are you taken? Is there some lucky girl out there who gets to hear your music every night?
I held my breath. This was it. This was the moment where he was supposed to say, "Actually, I have a girlfriend who lives states away, but she's my North Star." The bubbles appeared.
James: Honestly? No. No lucky girl. It's been pretty quiet on that front for a while. It's hard to find someone who actually gets me, like I said before.
I didn't cry. I didn't even scream. I just felt this weird, icy calm settle over me. No. One word.
Two letters. A total erasure of the last year of my life. The acoustic song? The "Elara Collection"? The blocking of Maya? None of it mattered because "Chloe" was new and "Chloe" was calling him pretty.
I decided to go for the kill.
Chloe: That's insane. Well, maybe we should change that? I actually just moved to your city for school. I'm like twenty minutes from the downtown area. Would you want to grab a coffee or something? I'd love to hear more about those synths in person. ;)
I waited. I knew he was "shy." I knew he didn't like driving in the city. I knew he was "states away" from me, which was his excuse for why we couldn't see each other every weekend.
James: Wait, seriously?? You're here? I'd love to. I'm usually pretty home-bound, but for you, I'll definitely make an exception. When are you free?
For you.
I sat there on my bed, the same bed where I'd cried over the "guilt" of not loving him enough, and I realized that James isn't a Golden Retriever. He's just a guy who needs to be worshipped. He didn't love me. He loved the way I made him feel about himself. And as soon as a new mirror showed up, a mirror named Chloe who didn't know about his "cat in a blender" vocals, he was ready to jump ship.
He was willing to drive twenty minutes for a stranger, but he couldn't find a way to see me once a month because of "the distance" and "his anxiety."
Chloe: How about tomorrow at 2 PM? There's that cafe on 5th.
James: It's a date. Can't wait to meet you, Chloe. :)
"It's a date."
I closed the app. I looked at the "James" thread on my real account. There was a message from five minutes ago.
James: Hey babe, just working on some music. Thinking about you. You're the only thing that keeps me going. <3
I started to laugh. It was a jagged, ugly sound.
I'm not a "sensitive bitch." I'm not a "monster." I'm just a girl who was dating a ghost. And tomorrow at 2 PM, I was going to make sure that ghost finally saw itself in the mirror.