As the spinner revolved, tracing a blue circle, my head spun with it.
It had been three days since I last stepped outside. Ever since that incident, every time I tried to leave, I felt shadows watching me. I wanted to rest. Once, I thought that young man had taken his life because he wanted rest too… just like me.
I glanced at my other hand. It did not hold the spinner. Instead, it held three tablets—pure white. Their color alone hinted at their power to erase the mind.
When my brother traveled, I planned to return to university and finish my studies. I hadn't accounted for these three pills that made such a thought impossible.
I picked up a glass of water and swallowed them all at once.
'You're next.'
Every thought dissolved—except for that cursed phrase, engraved into my mind as though carved in stone. I tried to convince myself her words were nonsense… but deep down, I knew she was right.
I might truly be next.
Should I end it… and rest as well?
While drowning in these diseased thoughts, a notification sound snapped me out of my daze. A message from Noha. She wanted to meet me at the public park today.
After reading it, I looked into the mirror. The person staring back resembled a zombie more than a human—hair disheveled, clothes unkempt, dark circles under my eyes despite doing nothing but sleeping all day. My mind had gone to another world and was waiting for me there.
How was I supposed to face her like this?
I wanted to stop those medications devouring my mind.
My eyes fell on the calendar hanging on the wall. A day had been circled in red. It wasn't my habit to mark dates, but thinking and remembering had become difficult. It was the appointment with Dr. Asem. I would tell him to stop the medication. If I continued like this, I would become a zombie… or like that young man.
I glanced at the hand spinning the toy endlessly, then at the other holding my phone.
'Why am I holding the phone?'
I had wanted something from it… but what?
When I unlocked it, Noha's message was open—and beside it, the small "Read" mark.
'Read? When did I read it? I'm going insane!!'
Maybe this state was because I hadn't gone out in days. Yes… I convinced myself that if I went outside, perhaps I would feel better.
I told her I would meet her immediately and changed my clothes before I forgot again.
Despite the cold weather, the sun—partially hidden behind clouds—insisted on burning my eyes and skin. I felt like I had emerged from a world of vampires. The sounds of people in the streets startled me, sending waves of terror through my body. I kept turning right and left.
Thanks to that meeting, I had become a repulsive mixture of the Pendulum Woman and the dead young man.
'What would have happened if I had said no?'
I blamed myself, but what was done was done.
I had finally broken the barrier of fear that imprisoned me for days within my room's walls. Yet the feeling of being watched still crawled beneath my skin, sending shivers of dread through my body.
*Beep—*
I nearly collided with someone. I couldn't help but wonder: would death come to me as an accident? A mad killer? Or would it come from myself?
When I reached the park, I saw Noha sitting on a nearby bench. As I approached, I realized she wasn't alone. A little girl—about a year old—sat beside her.
Was this her daughter she had once told me about?
"My God! Why do you look like that? Are you auditioning for The Walking Dead?"
As soon as she saw me, she almost jumped. I touched my cold face.
'Do I really look that terrifying?'
I glanced at the little girl, who immediately clung to her mother's clothes and tried to hide her face from me.
'I am that frightening.'
"This…" I pointed at the child with my chin. "This is little Maryam, isn't she adorable?"
For a moment, I felt moved. She had named her daughter after me. She must have missed me when I was unconscious.
I tried to approach the little girl, but she burrowed deeper into her mother's clothes. I stopped and sat beside them.
"For you to ask me out without prior planning—that's not like you, Noha."
"My mother told me about your condition, but I never imagined you'd look like this! What is that—are worms crawling on you?!"
"Ha-ha… stop fooling around. Your jokes are terrible."
She was trying to lighten my mood—warped like my mind. It wasn't a bad attempt, honestly.
"Mother worries everyone for nothing."
*How much did she tell her? Does she know everything about my condition?*
Suspicion crept in.
"Forget that. Listen—enjoy your life. We're still young. We want to grow old and become like that elderly man over there."
She pointed toward an old man walking with a cane, accompanied by a young boy who seemed to be his grandson. They had likely come to breathe some fresh air in the park.
Just like us.
But…
I stared harder at the old man.
'Where have I seen him before?'
A strange familiarity tugged at me, but my foggy mind refused to retrieve the memory.
I kept staring until he noticed and looked back at us. His expression shifted—surprise—and he began walking toward us.
Wait…
'Isn't that the alien old man?!'
It was him.
"Oh God… where can I run?"
"You there—I know you! Aren't you the crazy girl from before?"
What kind of introduction was that? I shot a glance at Noha, who seemed equally disturbed.
"Yes, it's you! I didn't recognize you at first. Hmm… how shall I put it? You've changed a little. How are the medications treating you? You're so young—I hope you recover soon."
I tried to hide my face as much as possible.
'Go away. Damn it, go away! Why did you remember me, of all people? And what's with this 'crazy' business? I was the most normal among you all!'
"No, sir, that's not me. I've never been to any center. You must be mistaken."
But he hammered in the final nail.
"Really? I think her name was… ah yes—Maryam! And I didn't even mention a center. If you're not her, how did you know I met her there?"
Why had the alien old man suddenly become clever?
Didn't he take the same mind-erasing drug I did?
I glanced at Noha.
Her expression had changed. Distorted. Staring at me.
'So… she didn't know.'
"Well, anyway, I wish her a speedy recovery. She was a lovely young lady. I'll take my leave."
I didn't even notice whether he actually left.
"Noha… listen, I…"
I tried to explain the condition I had hidden from everyone. No one wants their madness displayed in public.
But instead of listening, she shielded her daughter—who was already frightened—and looked at her phone.
"Ah! Maryam, I'm sorry. My husband is calling. I have to go now. Maybe we'll meet again."
She quickly grabbed her bag and hurried away.
"Yes… maybe."
She left me alone in the park. The air was no longer refreshing. It had turned into poison choking me.
Of all the people I could run into…
Of all the times for him to appear…
Something inside me shattered further. Yet strangely… I no longer had the will or even the desire to cry.
I stood up and returned to my room.
The moment I arrived, I opened the medicine cabinet and unleashed my anger on those cursed pills. I threw them all into the trash—where they truly belonged.
As for me?
'I am not insane.'