Chapter 60: Rajesh, Doomed to Solitude
In Penny's apartment.
Penny wore a low-cut dress patterned in wine-red, a cocktail shaker in her hand.
She had just finished a professional mixing demonstration. Without any flashy bottle-tossing, the revealing outfit plus her effortless moves still packed serious appeal—at least to every guy except Sheldon.
The dining table doubling as a makeshift bar was crowded with bottles and bar tools; opposite it, five guys sat in a loose semicircle, each wearing a different expression.
Ethan looked at the gloomy Raj and consoled him:
"Raj, don't worry; I'm sure we'll find a solution."
"If nothing else works, I can hypnotize you—then it's like another persona takes over. You'll be free to do whatever you want, yet every sensation stays yours."
The ultimate control ability from World of Warcraft—Mind Control.
Back then, Shadow Priests were hailed as solo-kings: force your victim to leap off cliffs or into lava; gear meant nothing.
Aside from Hunters with their pets and Warlocks with theirs, no one dared challenge a Shadow Priest one-on-one.
Raj looked tempted, nodding enthusiastically.
"I was joking," Ethan said, startled. "You planning to drop by for hypnosis every time you want to sleep with your wife? That's disturbing."
Raj tugged Ethan close and whispered something.
"…" Ethan was speechless. "Thanks, but I doubt your sister Priya will let you plan her life so easily."
Before Raj could object, Ethan added, "Even with your parents' blessing, I won't agree to that."
Penny, now in bartender mode, announced:
"Leonard—Tequila Sunrise."
"Raj—Grasshopper."
"Howard gets nothing for being annoying."
"Sheldon—Diet Coke. Help yourself from the fridge."
Sheldon rose, grumbling, "A bartender should provide service."
Penny ignored him. "Now, Ethan, what'll it be?"
Ethan pondered. "Old Fashioned."
"Ooh, a classic choice!" Penny set out bourbon, bitters, and a sugar cube, then began mixing with practiced flair.
"By the way, when's Sheldon's sister arriving?"
"Wedding's Saturday; she flies in Friday."
"Where's she staying?"
"Our place—we have rooms."
Sheldon cut in. "Hold on—how do you define three bedrooms as having 'rooms' plural for guests?"
"If three bedrooms count as plenty, then we also have plenty of residents."
"Sheldon, she's your sister!"
Ethan shot back. "You want her alone in a hotel in New York?"
Sheldon replied, perfectly serious, "I never suggested that. You could accompany her to the hotel."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but if we're both at the hotel, she might as well stay in my room."
Sheldon: "I have no objection to that arrangement."
Ethan spread his hands. "Fine—Missy takes my room, I take the couch. Happy?"
Penny offered, "If she's not as weird as Sheldon, she can crash with me."
"Relax, she's totally normal. You two'll hit it off."
Eyes glazed, Raj suddenly started pouring his heart out to Penny:
"Penny, where's my life headed? One minute I'm a carefree astrophysicist, next I'm married with a minivan full of kids, coaching Little League in suburban Mumbai."
Everyone snapped their heads toward him.
Penny blinked. "You're talking to me?"
"Is there another Penny here?" Raj said.
"I have ambitions, I have dreams!"
"I want to become the Neil deGrasse Tyson of particle astrophysics—minus the bow ties."
He ranted on, "I'm done letting my parents control my life!
Time to put my foot down! Someone hand me a laptop with a webcam!"
Leonard whispered, "Ethan, what happened? He can't talk to women."
Howard: "Did Penny spike his drink with something?"
Ethan drawled, "Told you—it's psychological. Alcohol's giving him liquid courage."
Penny nodded. "Exactly. It's just the booze talking."
Raj declared at full volume, "I'm telling my parents: no way am I marrying Lakshmi Choudary in some arranged ceremony!"
Penny soothed, "Easy there, tiger. Nobody can force you. Why not just meet her and see?"
Raj griped, "Weren't you listening? I can't talk to women!"
"Sweetie, you are talking—to me, right now."
Raj froze. "I... I am talking to you."
He stared at the glass. "Sweet green miracle!"
He took another swig. "Now I just need to drink a Grasshopper before I meet Lakshmi!"
Penny hesitated. "If you need alcohol to survive the date, bring her to the Cheesecake Factory. I'll keep an eye out from the bar."
Date night arrived and the gang headed to The Cheesecake Factory. Ethan had planned to observe, but they voted unanimously to stop him.
"You're a surgeon, she's a dentist. If you show up, Raj won't stand a chance."
Ethan: "…" Couldn't argue with that logic.
He tried to bench Sheldon too—sure the human conversation-killer would torpedo Raj's setup.
But Sheldon insisted on updating his medical database with insights from a real dentist and tagged along.
After witnessing Raj's drunken motor-mouth at Penny's, everyone agreed: sober Raj had a slim chance; drunk Raj was a disaster waiting to happen.
Disaster struck right on schedule.
That night they trudged home, heads low—only Sheldon beamed.
He bounced toward Ethan. "Remember that Hindu mythology we studied—the Mahabharata's Princess Draupadi?"
Ethan racked his brain. "Vaguely."
"Legend says her eyes were like lotus petals, her dark hair fragrant with sandalwood," Sheldon recited.
"A lonely, misunderstood scholar befriended this princess."
"I told you the story resonated with me."
"Oh, that story—I remember now."
"Forget the mythology!" Leonard snapped, blaming Sheldon for sabotaging the date.
Sheldon defended himself. "Not my fault! He got drunk and told her she was 'memorably chubby as a child,' then warned that dentists have the highest suicide rates—'you pull teeth and contemplate pulling the plug.'"
Seriously, how is that not date-suicide?
Ethan face-palmed. "…Where's Howard?"
Leonard shrugged. "Says he's cracked the code to dating Indian women and went to test his theory."
In the restaurant, Howard hit on an Indian woman at the bar:
"Your beauty is as overwhelming as the sunset over the Golden Gate Bridge…"
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