Story: Volume 1
[ Boring Au note (But it's Important): Before reading, let me say that the volume 1 of this novel doesn't have any detailed description and scenario connection. There are only dialogues with the protagonist acting the part of a straight man in a comedy skit, and some online personas making jokes out of them; playing the part of the comedian.
When I was writing these parts, I didn't think about making a story out of it. I was just bored while opening docs to do my academic assignment and didn't know what to write. So, I just brewed myself a cup of one year old expired coffee and laid out my crazy thoughts on it to pass the time while continuing to connect them with more and more crazy ideas. I finished it in 8h without having any thoughts of turning it into a story. However, later I realized maybe I could make something out of them.
The protagonist's thoughts were my own thoughts, like what I'd have done if I were in that situation. And the netizens were simply my logical side roasting me. Later, I just gave each of the ideas a character, mainly the logical side getting divided into several netizen characters.
I just continued like this without any prose and lines explaining what was happening. I actually thought about adding the explanations later, but withheld it with the thought of "Let's just have a straight dive to the story without much boring explanations. Readers don't like slow introduction anyway. And I bet a lot of people, more like, majority of the people even skipped this Author's note of mine :P.
I know that 15k words is too short for a volume. Like, a volume usually has at least 70k words in it. However, I thought the story was very first paced and the conclusion just ends an arc. More like this whole volume is the prologue of my story. So, I just packed it as a whole volume. Like it would have been a volume if I added more explanations to it.
Okay, enough ranting. Remember to read this as if you're scrolling through a hilarious social media thread and reading the comments. Yeah, read it just like you read comments as you always do while someone randomly says "Guys, I brought chairs for all of you".
Now, Enjoy 😊]
Me unscrewing the spaceship camera, carrying it out with me while wearing a spacesuit "Hello, anyone out there? I forgot to bring a mars guidebook with me. Can anyone tell me where I can take a bath? I can't find a river on mars, it's kind of getting sticky with all the heat in summer."
Meanwhile, NASA and SpaceX are just watching
📡 NASA: "Sir, he's asking for a river… on Mars."
🛰️ SpaceX: "Just let him cook."
The news already went out when the spaceship was stolen and Elon Musk out of fun released the video link online.
💀 Internet Livestream Chat: "BRO THINKS HE'S ON VACATION."
And Elon's just sipping coffee, tweeting:
"Introducing: Mars Showers, coming in 2035. For now, just vibe."
…
"Is the spaceship water quality good to make coffee, oh wait. My coffee got expired 5 years ago, I just habitably brought this coffee pack along with me when entering the spaceship. Anyway, there are no other coffee shop here. Just make do with it"
💀💀💀 Bro really said, "No Starbucks on Mars? Guess I'll risk it."
Meanwhile, NASA is losing their minds watching from the livestream:
📡 NASA: "He's brewing expired coffee with spaceship water. Should we tell him?"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Nah, let him conduct 'scientific research' on Martian food safety."
💀 Internet Chat: "First man on Mars and his biggest crisis is bad coffee."
…
"Hmm, I got plenty of food, like SpaceX prepared enough food for a whole crew to survive on mars, meanwhile now it's only me. So, It should last me for dozens of years. As for the food getting expired, oh well, I'm already having expired coffee, expired food makes no difference"
💀💀💀 Bro turned Mars into a solo survival reality show.
NASA and SpaceX are watching, taking notes:
📡 NASA: "So technically, he's stress-testing our food supplies...?"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Yeah, let's call it a 'long-term sustainability experiment' and not a 'massive security failure.'"
💀 Internet Chat: "Bro went to Mars and started a 100-year challenge."
Elon sees this and tweets again:
"Martian expiration dates are a social construct. Adapt, overcome, consume."
…
"Hmm, there is enough water in the spaceship for me to rear a blue whale, so water isn't a concern. Let's see my bucket list "Food concern = check, Coffee = Temporarily check, Life support = Limited Oxygen, Water = Only for drinking, house = got the spaceship. As for bath, entertainment, electricity and so on = 404"
NASA, SpaceX, and the entire internet are watching him struggle in 4K:
📡 NASA: "He's doing inventory management… this might be the most planning he's ever done."
🛰️ SpaceX: "Yeah, but youngman really thought he could bathe in spaceship coolant."
💀 Internet Chat: "Someone out there living in a billion-dollar spaceship but still in poverty."
Current Mars Setup:
✅ Food – Plenty to last decades, edible even when expired (For him only)
✅ Water – Enough to hydrate a blue whale, but not a drop for bathing.
✅ Oxygen – "Limited" (translation: future problem).
✅ House – Stolen spaceship = free rent.
❌ Entertainment – No internet, no Netflix, just dust.
❌ Electricity – If the battery dies, he becomes the first Martian ghost.
❌ Bathing – Stinking up Mars one day at a time.
…
"Hmm, what should I do now that I woke up early in the morning? There is nothing to do out here. Well, they say exercising early in the morning is good for health, however I forgot to bring my dumbbells. Should I look for some iron or lead on mars to forge one?"
NASA and SpaceX watching in disbelief:
📡 NASA: "He's considering BLACKSMITHING ON MARS just to lift weights?"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Priorities, man. Absolute giga-chad energy."
💀 Internet Chat: "Bro thinks he's in Minecraft. He's really about to start the first Martian gym."
A guy comments "I got a plan for this
🏋️ Step 1: Mine for metal – Spend 6 months digging because Mars ain't got Home Depot.
🔥 Step 2: Build a forge – Somehow make a fire on a planet with no oxygen.
⚒️ Step 3: Smelt Mars metal – Hope it doesn't explode.
💪 Step 4: Finally lift weights – Only to realize Mars gravity is weak AF.
Meanwhile, Elon tweets again:
"Introducing SpaceX Gyms: Low Gravity, High Gains. Coming in 2040."
NASA "At this point, just bench-press the spaceship. It's low gravity—go crazy. 🚀💀"
…
"Hmm, luckily a storm hit and some rocks dropped down from the mountains, and there were many iron ores mixed in the rocks. I got the ores and also built a makeshift stone forge, but there are no flammable materials like tree branches, leaves and so on. Is there coal on mars? I really should have brought a mars guidebook along with me. Wait a minute, what about the oxygen? I might not be a good student with a degree on me, but thankfully I still have the common sense to know that fire needs oxygen to burn. Hmm, should I just leak a bit of oxygen from the spaceship's tank to make the fire burn if I find coal?"
NASA and SpaceX are watching through the cameras, silently thinking:
📡 NASA: "Uh, he's… gonna leak oxygen? Isn't that like… setting off a nuclear bomb with a match?"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Yep, definitely should've added 'Don't create self-destructive fires' to the user manual. Wait a minute, did he even read the user manual in the first place?"
💀 Internet Chat: "Bro's one oxygen leak away from the first Martian explosion… and he's still worried about dumbbells."
The previous nerd "Here's what's going to happen
🔥 Step 1: Find ore in the storm (martian rocks, check).
💨 Step 2: Think about coal—but remember, Mars doesn't have coal, since there are no trees. Coals originated from trees to begin with after decaying for millions of years, turning into peat and being converted into coal by the heat and pressure of deep burial over millions of years. So yeah, there are no coals on Mars; similarly, no oil. Good luck finding coal 😂
⚡ Step 3: Realize you're out of options.
💀 Step 4: Leaking spaceship oxygen because… why not? Mars flames are gonna be next level!
💥 Step 5: Boom. Fire + pure oxygen = instant Martian barbecue. (Spoiler: you're the main course).
Only intelligence is supreme "And what about the fact that he was willing to leak his valuable limited oxygen just to forge Dumbbells? 💀"
And then Elon casually tweets:
"Welcome to Mars, where we test both your survival skills and your life expectancy."
…
"Hmmm, now where to look for coal. Oh wait, coals are usually found in mountains in y 90 to y140. However, there are no trees for me to even craft a wooden pickaxe. Should I directly go for a stone pickaxe? But it's the same problem, beside the fact that stones would break if you try mining them with bare hands, where the hell would I find 2 wooden sticks. Again, back to square one of not finding trees."
NASA:
📡 "Wait… is he trying to craft a pickaxe on MARS? Does he know we literally sent him here with zero woods?"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Maybe we should've included some Mars wood in the emergency supply kit…"
Minecraft players in the stream "Wait, he's talking about… You know"
Another guy "💀💀💀 Bro, you're really out there trying to Minecraft your way through Mars with zero resources. The ultimate survival challenge: no trees, no pickaxe, and apparently no common sense."
The nerd guy "Your Plan of Action:
Stone Pickaxe? Nope, unless you plan on getting on creative mode with Mars dust and Martian air (but that won't work, because, well… reality's physics).
Wood? That doesn't exist here, so maybe just use your Martian survival instincts and pretend rocks are wood. And hack into the real universe to alter the pickaxe recipe 💀.
Breaking Spaceship Seats for Sticks? Probably not the best idea, but hey, it's Plan Z at this point."
…
"Why do I feel like I'm playing a factory game? Kinda reminds me of Satisfactory and Dyson Sphere Program. I need to do exercise, but for that I need dumbbells, and to make dumbbells, I need iron or lead, and to smelt the ores, I need coal, and to mine coal I need pickaxe. Oh wait, I needed pickaxe to mine iron to begin with, hmm I guess I forgot it as I got the ores from the fallen rocks anyway, but back to business, to make pickaxe, I need wood, to get wood, I need to plant trees, to grow trees, I need to make the mars a bit habitable, and to do that, I need there to be water on mars. So much hassle, it's really a factory-like game. However, I'm really bored with nothing to do here but exercising, so I do need the dumbbells. better go start building this metaphorical mars factory. Let's name it 'mission dumbbell'"
NASA and SpaceX, watching in real-time:
📡 NASA: "Wait… did he just set up an entire terraforming project… just to LIFT WEIGHTS?"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Finally, our volunteering pioneer just got to the main point of project Mars, even though it's for an inconceivable cause. Still, plants on mars is half the job done.'"
💀 Internet Chat: "Bro's literally speedrunning colonization mars to age of industrial revolution."
Simply a Nerd "MISSION DUMBBELL: A Step-by-Step Guide to Mars Gains
1️⃣ Get Iron – ✅ (Thanks, Martian storm.)
2️⃣ Smelt Iron – ❌ Need coal.
3️⃣ Mine Coal – ❌ Need pickaxe.
4️⃣ Craft Pickaxe – ❌ Need wood.
5️⃣ Find Wood – ❌ Need trees.
6️⃣ Grow Trees – ❌ Need water & oxygen.
7️⃣ Terraform Mars – ❌ Need to become a god.
8️⃣ Finally Lift Dumbbells – 🏋️ IN 500 YEARS, by your descendants. Oh wait, you're the sole human on ear..Mars. Still, keep your hopes up, maybe there's alien on Mars 😂"
Elon Musk tweeting "New project: Mission Dumbbell. Terraforming Mars, but making it for fitness.
Good luck to our rogue pioneer"
"Wait a minute, why do I need to grow trees when there are so many chairs in the spaceship, like whole set up furniture for hundreds of crew members. I don't need so much furniture as a lone soul living in the spaceship. Better just dismantle them to make wooden sticks and craft a pickaxe. Now, mission dumbbell just straight up completed a significant step"
A Netizen "💀💀💀 Bro really just skipped 500 years of terraforming by saying, "Wait, I have CHAIRS."
📡 NASA: "Sir, he just realized he's been sitting on wood this whole time, and it's a bad news for us"
🛰️ SpaceX: "Bro was about to terraform an entire planet just to avoid using FURNITURE."
💀 Internet Chat: "Peak problem-solving. Humanity is in safe hands."
Only intelligence is supreme "As if 💀"
Simply a Nerd "MISSION DUMBBELL: MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH
✅ Step 1: Find wood? Bro literally had it all along.
✅ Step 2: Make wooden sticks? Dismantle spaceship furniture like a savage.
✅ Step 3: Craft pickaxe? Finally, we're gaming.
🚀 Step 4: Mine coal, smelt iron, make dumbbells? On the way to becoming Mars' first gym bro… Nope. Where is the fire coming from? From a lightning strike 🤔? Hah, keep dreaming, just like you were from the start.
At this point, bro isn't just surviving on Mars—he's speedrunning it. 🚀💀💪"