I am fine.
I am okay.
Like a mantra I keep chanting these words while dragging my feet to the vintage resturant which Ethan has decided is the best place to have our farewell dinner party. My feet refuse to move but as if I have returned to my infant years I plead with them to just take one step in front of the other while hoping I don't stumble.
The Delacruz family has owned this tiny yet spacious vintage eatery for over ten years now and my friends and I come here every third week of the month just to catch up and enjoy their down to earth homey dishes. This place is like my second home, I am safe here and the family has shown nothing but love and kindness to me and my friends.I am okay here..but why do I suddenly feel like I'm bringing myself to the alter as an offering?.
As we approach the building my heart feels like its sinking, I can feel my lungs constrict and it feels as if everything around me is caving in.I try the best I can to breathe in and out and focus on calming my raging heart but no matter what I do I can't help but feel like death is at my door and the grim reaper is coming for me.
Do people ever die from a heart break?.
The moment we walked into Delacruz restaurant, Jackson chose a chair across from mine and on my left was Ethan and his girlfriend Michaela. They are busy chatting while I could barely avoid the sound of my heart collapsing.
"Okay everyone.."
A few moments into my lost mind I am awoken by the sound of a small metal being hit againts glass. I lift my eyes and pin them on Ethan who must have stood somewhere between my other world explorations and appears to be ready to make a speech and thus signaling for everyone to quiet down, I take a quick sip of my water and try my best to spare him a minute.
"As we all know, today is the very last day that we would all be together. It's been an awesome journey having to work with all of you.In the beginning when I started, I had no one willing to take on this project because they said it was very risky and I had no particular budget but I still managed to get some of you to work with me in hopes that this project will turn out great was the only deal I could put on the table and most of you are here because you believed in me. Thank you very much to all of you, from four in the morning to one in the middle of the night we have been working tirelessly and finally we are done.
Most importantly I want to take this time to thank my most beautiful friend Eian. He is the one who started this project with me,He also contributed largely as one of the sponsors of this project and without him agreeing to be the face of one of the main leads that I desperately needed it would've been a hard time to get the right team and everything that we needed for this series. As you all know from the very beginning we had Jackson as our main and we tried to cast a few people for Eian's role but we found none that matched the charachter we were searching for.
Even after having to sponsor the show this old man had to be shameless yet again and go back and beg my friend to fill in the gap. He is a new actor and Jackson is also new with experience as a theatre child performer but the two of them pulled through workshops, video calls ,meeting with me outside work hours just to learn and be the best Zack and Eden. All of it has amounted to this day, so thank you very much to everyone of you. If I get another project then I will call back the team to assemble. Thank you."
While the team at the table applauds for Ethan, he kicks my chair before sitting down but my eyes ignore him and quickly jump to Jackson who is already starring at me as if to ask which one of us will go after Ethan, seeing my disheveled state he gives me a quick nod before standing up and facing the already awaiting group of individuals, my throat is burning. Hot tears char my eyes like lava just waiting to pour out but I force them back in.Eden is truly a nuisance, I hope he leaves soon.
"Hello everyone. Again. First I want to thank Ethan for scouting me, It is still somewhat unbelievable that I accepted this role with no prior training as a BL actor but we all worked hard together to build Zack and very grateful to all of you for assisting me till the very end. In the future if Ethan ever has a new project, I will definitely be willing to work with him and this team again.Most importantly I want to thank my partner Eian."Jackson turns to look at me …
"First of all, Eian is a very kind man. When I first met him I really did think that he would act like my father or older brother because of our age gap. However, He respected me, respected my work and also took care of me without having to bring up our age and just allowing me to adapt to him as co partner. Thank you, for being my everything during this whole time. Next project I'll definitely be taking care of you. Thank you all once again for such a great experience". Jackson says and sits down with his eyes still on me. He doesn't say anything but I can see the sincerity in his gratitude.
I immediately drop my eyes and After clearing my throat and gulping down half of the water in my glass, I finally stand and hope my voice doesnt tremble.
"First of all I want to thank God for making me beautiful" I Start …
"..."
After silent chuckles and quite laughter, fear leaves the room and silence is yet again back to our table allowing me to continue my speech without any heavy weight. I can do this.
"It has indeed been a long journey. We had workshops for the whole year and also shooting the series.This has been my life. Sometimes when I see some workout routine, it says you only need one month or thirty days to create a new lifestyle but I had a whole year with this team, a whole year with Jackson. This series has now become a part of my life and I don't know how I have to face tomorrow. I will have to re-learn how to face tomorrow without this team.I remember when Ethan came to me and said I would be really great for this role,I literally laughed at his face because I could not imagne doing it.
I eventually accepted the role not having any idea of what was going to happen but now I'm happy I have come this far.Jackson has also come very far , from the moment I met him I had to fall in love with him-I was slightly shocked that I have to fall in love with someone I believed to be young and I was not sure how I was supposed to do that without thinking about our age gap.
Because of how professional Jackson was I eventually had to cancel his age and face him as just my co actor. He deserved that much and perhaps even more from me. He is a very professional and determined young man who made sure to take time to teach me some acting tricks he learnt online and always stayed respectful even when he didn't agree with me. Ethan ,Jackson ..the whole team. You have been my life this whole time or Ethan for longer because he's always been my best friend, but everybody else for this whole one year you have all been my new life. I hope that we all get a chance to work together again. Thank you very much to all of you. This last meal will be on me."
I hear Ethan hollering next to me -of course he is the happiest.
The future is uncertain and I might never eat at the same table with Jackson again, let me treat him this one last time.
"If you'll excuse me now I'll go to the bathroom quickly, I'll be back"..
I say before heading off to the bathroom feeling my eyes loose their battle against my tears .I hope no one noticed.