Do you know what doppelgangers are?
What would you do if your exact copy suddenly appeared before you? Usually, in such cases, the game ends only with the death of one of the two. But what I couldn't even imagine was that something like this would happen to me. What am I talking about? Well, you'll see for yourself soon.
"Dyu-hu-hu-hu…" the giant with the thick black beard laughed disgustingly. "Have I really met a 'kindred spirit'? Oh my, even humble me didn't expect this, za-desu."
"Ugh, what a way to talk. What kind of otaku basement did you crawl out of?" Deadpool grimaced.
Before him stood Edward Teach – captain of the "Queen Anne's Revenge," a legendary pirate whose fame had been hopelessly trampled by his current appearance. Deadpool was already surrounded by a crowd of his henchmen.
"Humble me has arrived here to plunder the Holy Grail, hidden in the vast depths of this old lady's bosom!" Teach licked his lips. "And I'll also drool and lust after our cute Silder-chan! Hy-a-a-a!"
These words sent a shiver down Deadpool's spine. Of course, due to his mutations and constantly regenerating skin, he didn't get goosebumps, but an instinctive revulsion towards a creature of "his kind" kicked in faster than his brain could process it.
"Silder? Her?! Are you insane? You're a lolicon! Since when did you switch to such cute girls? No, wait, lolicon is also a crime. But your essence is lolicon!"
Deadpool pointed a finger at him, and Teach, in response, made an even more disgusting face, drooling.
"Dyu-hu-hu! Truly so! At the core of my nature lies a love for young and innocent creatures! Oh, this is love! Not an object of lust, but an object of protection and adoration! This is my Path of the Ruler!"
"You mean – the path of a pedophile?" Deadpool interrupted.
"Eh?! Humble me was considered a criminal by a 'kindred spirit'?"
Deadpool… or rather, the Deadpool "inside" shuddered!
The man who made countless people tremble was himself horrified by Teach's words.
"Hey, why are you describing this with exclamation marks?" he shouted into the void. "I'm just shocked by this nonsense!"
Seeing Deadpool shouting into nothingness, Teach showed interest.
"Oh, humble me is interested in the red pirate. Perhaps you will become an object of adoration for me, surpassing a 'kindred spirit'? Dyu-hu-hu, how about stepping onto the Path of the Ruler with me?"
Teach spread his arms wide, inviting him to join. However, Deadpool, making a disgusted grimace, roared:
"What? The path of a pedophile? Only death will correct you!"
Deadpool tensed his muscles so much that the upper part of his suit burst open. Exposing his mutation-deformed body, he lunged at Teach with a wild cry.
"A-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"
A hail of blows rained down on the pirate. Teach could have defended himself, but he didn't. He continued to smile mysteriously, looking at the one who could become his new idol.
"Kwa-a! Humble me got hit by 'Hundred Crack Fist of the North Star'!"
"You're already dead," Deadpool pointed at him dramatically.
Teach's body contorted unnaturally and exploded on the spot.
"Hi… hide-bu-u-u!"
An easy victory.
"Perverts are only cured by punches. Disappear, pedo-trash."
"Eh? I just love children, there's no reason to call me pedo-trash, za-desu."
Teach's voice rang out again. He was alive. A shot rang out, and a bullet pierced Deadpool's temple, passing clean through.
"Uhyo-ot! Humble me is unaffected by such attacks! I have already mastered the 'North Star Divine Fist,' so countermeasures will always be found. And why do you think humble me walks the Path of the Ruler?"
He proudly raised his fist to the sky, as if imitating a scene from a manga.
"There has never been a single reason for regret in my life!"
A powerful aura erupted from Teach's body and shot into the sky. Deadpool, picking a bullet out of his shot head, winced from the unbearable pathos of the moment.
"Ugh, how vulgar! Disgusting! Do I look like this from the outside? No! I'm not like that. My soul is crystal clear! Even though I'm constantly pierced through… Besides, you idiot, those were the dying words of that big guy!"
Exchanging absurd remarks, Teach and Deadpool continued their confrontation.
Who would have thought he'd meet such a "kindred spirit" here. No, this Edward Teach was drastically different from the Blackbeard Deadpool had imagined. "If I had known it would be like this, I would have taken a day off and passed this on to another Servant!" he regretted belatedly.
"Ah… I think I'm starting to understand that old hag's feelings."
But wasting time was pointless. Deadpool had a goal: to plunder this ship, capture it, and become captain himself.
"Oh, right. Almost forgot. Hey! So, are you the captain here?"
"Dyu-hu-hu, this ship is my Noble Phantasm, 'Queen Anne's Revenge'! Now I'll take the Grail from the old lady's lush depths and escape to receive praise from our dear Silder-chan and Lily-chan!"
Enough. Talking to him made Deadpool's jaw ache.
"I didn't think I'd get tired of talking. It seems I underestimated you."
Deadpool instantly drew his pistol and fired a .45 caliber slug into Teach. But Teach, who seemed to embody carelessness, drew a boarding dagger and severed the bullets in mid-air with one movement.
"Dyu-hu-hu. Don't think that just because humble me acts playfully, I lose my vigilance. Besides, this is my Phantasm! The perfect place for my Path of the Ruler… Gwah?!"
Teach's monologue was interrupted by a knee to the jaw. This was followed by a kick that sent Teach crashing down, his face buried in Deadpool's backside.
"I! Am! Trying! To! Shut! Your! Mouth! But! You! Keep! Opening! It! And! It! Just! Unbelievably! Pisses! Me! Off! Got it?!"
With each word, Deadpool's fist slammed into Teach's face. The pirate's henchmen started to rush to their captain's aid, but Deadpool, without looking, pointed a pistol at them with his other hand. Despite their numerical superiority, they froze, paralyzed by his bloodlust.
"Gha! Humble me! Oh! Even like this! Ugh! Won't break! Kho-gha-a!"
Teach still stubbornly tried to object, but only bit his tongue – thick blood gushed from his mouth.
"Damn it, you finally shut up, you bastard," Deadpool grumbled.
"U-u-u… za mo-o-o… kh-ho-o-o…" Teach barely managed to utter sounds.
His face had turned into a swollen mess, with crimson bruises under his eyes, and half his teeth missing. The sight of the great pirate Edward Teach, beaten by some impudent guy in red, so shocked his crew that the brigands, trembling with fear, dropped their muskets and sabers on the deck.
"I promised! A ten-minute captain-switching trick. Voilà! Pure magic."
Deadpool unclenched his fist, stained with Edward Teach's blood, as if completing a grand performance. The curtain fell, and imaginary applause from the audience echoed in his ears.
"Ah, what a shame! Such a great and terrible captain, and he got punched in the face by a mere pirate."
At this moment, another character appeared from the captain's cabin.
He looked like an ordinary loafer, the kind you find in any alley. The Lancer looked quite puzzled.
"And who are you?" Deadpool asked.
"Servant Lancer. My name is Hector. As you can see, I was indebted to this bearded captain, so…" He hesitated.
Hector descended to the deck and examined Teach's condition. Muttering something inaudible to himself, he stood up and looked at Deadpool.
"Any objections to me being the captain now?" he inquired.
"No, not at all. I'm a very easygoing guy, I don't care who's at the helm."
Hector slung his spear over his back and raised his hands, demonstrating that he wasn't looking for a fight. His sudden appearance and ingratiating manners seemed suspicious to Deadpool, but since he wasn't provoking him, the mercenary decided not to bother him for now.
"And anyway, according to the game's canon, someone else should have appeared at this moment… no, even two. What? Mary Read and Anne Bonny aren't coming?" he whispered into the void. "'Too many cooks spoil the broth,' right? Besides, they barely have any roles in the third chapter anyway. Let's cut them, damn it, under the knife!"
Hector, trying to ignore Deadpool whispering to the air, sighed, picked up the bloodied Teach, and dragged him towards the hatch.
"So, this (ex-)captain goes to the brig? I'll be the guard, so don't worry."
"Go ahead. Work hard, buddy."
Deadpool still didn't trust this shady guy, but since he offered to guard the prisoner himself – why not.
"Hey, you scum! Repeat, who am I?!"
"C-Captain… Deadpool, sir!"
One of the pirates answered too hastily, and Deadpool immediately made another hole in him with his musket.
"I am Captain Deadpool Red Pants, you stupid and dirty bastards! From now on, this ship is mine! And it will be called not 'Queen Anne's Revenge,' but 'Hopeless'!"
"U-hooray-a-a!"
The pirates, stunned by the sudden change of name, wanted to argue, but they didn't feel like catching a bullet, so they started shouting with all their might.
"But Captain! This is an incorrect translation…" another began.
Another corpse.
"Shut up! Are you one of those, what do you call them… 'over-translators'? You think you can accuse me of a bad localization?! I'm not some Pak or Hwang… Anyway, anyone else want to be smart about the translation?"
The sailors all shook their heads, their lips tightly pressed. The mutiny – or whatever you call it – was successful, the captain had changed. Now, these brainless fools could only obey.
"What are you standing around for, you goats?! Get to work! We're catching up to Drake right now and…"
While handing out slaps and urging the crew, Deadpool only now noticed that the "Golden Hind," which should have been alongside, had vanished.
"Hey, what's this? Where did they go? Did they abandon me again?"
At that moment, a communicator on his wrist, a long-range communication device that Da Vinci had given him before the jump, came to life.
"Wade? Wade! Are you alright?" Ritsuka's voice came through.
"Where are you guys?! Did you really ditch me?!"
"Well, you see…" Ritsuka hesitated, clearly unsure how to answer the angry tirade. Then, static was heard, and someone with a more familiar and daring voice took the receiver.
"Ha, hi! So, how is it – capturing a ship and becoming captain? While you were having fun, we made a clean getaway. If you want to see us, catch up. And don't you dare whine about betrayal! I just fulfilled your wish."
Drake's voice.
Deadpool was ready to howl about the setup, but when he thought about it… she had promised him a ship and captaincy. The promise was fulfilled. And the fact that they took advantage of the moment and fled…
"This is pure swindling!"
"As one guy in red pants used to say: 'For a pirate, betrayal is like breakfast!' Bye!" Drake cut him off.
Deadpool almost smashed the communicator in rage. But he was angry not so much at the betrayal itself, but at being caught with his own words.
"You damn son of a bitch, Francis! Your ma-a-ather!"
Francis. This was the second Francis in his life that made him want to tear and rend.
"Truly: you can expect nothing good from bastards named Francis!"
Deadpool began to kick the sailors even more furiously, forcing them to set the sails.
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan