There is a girl in front of me. She has long, frizzy yellow hair… She watches me and I watch her right back. Suddenly, she pulls me close and the warmth that engulfs me is comforting. I feel her body shake as if she is laughing, but I hear her ragged breaths next to my ear. Her hold on me is so tight it hurts. But she pulls back suddenly, then brushes away her tear-streaked face with the back of her hand. I frown at her because although she is smiling at me, tears still stream down her face. Inhaling deeply, in and out, she tries to gather herself.
"Mummy loves you so much," she whispers in my ear. She pulls back, wipes her eyes with the back of her hands, and clears her throat before continuing to speak in a calm but pleading tone. "I need you to be a big, brave girl for Mummy, okay?" Not wanting to make her cry, I nod. I don't like it when she cries. The girl has my face. She's my mother. I have seen her before in photos. Except in those, she's younger, happy, with darker skin and curly black hair.
"Okay," I say to her, my voice high-pitched and small.
"Rain and Mummy are going to go somewhere very special. Just you and me, but we have to leave now, okay?"
"What about Daddy, Mummy? He's gone to buy his cans and siggies, and he said he would buy me a heart-shaped lollipop!"
"Raindrop, we don't have time. Pick one toy or we go with nothing." The girl bends down to put my shoes on quickly. I can see her collarbones protruding through her T-shirt. I turn around, almost tripping as I run to my bed to grab Hopper, my toy bunny, and hug him tight. "Hopper needs Rain and Rain needs Hopper," I say, pouting.
"And Mummy needs you. Come." Mummy grabs my hand and pulls me out of my room and into the living room. That is when the front door slams closed, and I hear footsteps stomping closer. A deep voice shouts as he marches in.
"Heaven, where the fuck did you put my wallet?!"
Mummy freezes. She tries to take off her rucksack, but Daddy is already at the threshold of the door, frowning at us. He looks at the bag in her hand, my hand gripped tightly in her other, and at our shoes. My mother bites her lip and shakes her head, her brown eyes pleading. She looks guilty and scared. So very frightened and insignificant compared to the tall, imposing man. Anger flashes in his eyes and, in seconds, he is in front of us. He goes straight for her throat. With one hand he grips and squeezes; with the other, he pushes me away from her and I fall to the floor. I land on my bum. Daddy—he hurt me. I am his little flower, his princess. Tears prickle my eyes and, in seconds, the floodgates open, and I am bawling my eyes out. On hands and knees, I scramble forward.
"Stop, Daddy, no, you're hurting Mummy!" Small hands fist into his trousers, and I try to pull his leg with all my strength. Mummy says I am a big, strong girl now. But he might as well be a part of the floor; try as I might, it is like trying to move a boulder. "Please, Daddy, don't!"
My mother is making choking sounds, and he looks down at me. He lets her go. Her knees buckle and she falls to her knees next to me. I cling to her, burying my head into her tummy and climbing onto her lap.
"I'm sorry, princess, Daddy got a little upset. Your Mummy was trying to leave and take you far away… wasn't you, Mummy?"
Mum tries to talk but her voice comes out raspy as she says, "No, we were just going to the park."
He takes her hands and yanks her up to her feet. Then, ever so gently, he holds her in his arms. Daddy lifts her into a tender hug and whispers frantically into her ear. They're making up again and everything will be okay.
"How many times, Heaven? How many times did you look me in the eyes, fuck me, and know you were going to rip my heart out and then leave me?"
"I swear I would never leave; I just miss my mum and dad so much sometimes… I would come back."
"We are a family. We stay together — you, me, and Rain. Why would you want to break our family?" I look to Mummy for a response, but she just shakes her head, mouth opening and closing before looking down at me.
Daddy continues after a moment's silence. "I love you more than life, you know that!"
"And I love you… but you're drinking all the time and I—"
"Oh, it is the drinking? I just lost my job, Heaven. Am I not allowed to feel like shit?"
"You scare me when you act this way. You scare Rain too."
"I've never touched Rain!" Daddy roars with so much fury in his lungs he has gone red. Like the dragon—oh no! He is turning again, it's—it's Monster Daddy!
My heart beats so fast, it's like it has become a caged bird, but my body moves on its own accord, and I scramble away until I hit the wall to their right. Next to me is my room door. I could run and hide under my covers, but I cannot look away. If I make Daddy laugh, the monster goes away; it's my superpower. And Mummy will be happy too.
"You got me pregnant; you made me change everything about myself! I don't even know who I am when I look in the mirror."
"No, don't do that, don't. I don't make it about your race. It's not. It's to keep you safe and to keep our baby safe."
"Well, I am of age now and I really would like to see my family. Just for a little while."
"Well, go then. But you're not taking Rain." Daddy puts space between them, stepping away from Mummy and gesturing towards the door.
My mummy looks at me, then back up at Daddy. She takes one step towards me, then sighs and bites her lip, frowning sadly. "Raindrop, I… I love you, sweetie. Don't worry, Tommy love, I'm just going for a walk to clear my head. Okay?" She smiles brightly at us. Daddy doesn't smile back though, and Mummy's smile falters. She takes one step back, then another toward the door. The look in her eyes changes to steely determination before she twists round and runs straight towards the front door. She does not get far because Daddy grabs her by her hair.
"Ah!" she cries out and pushes him away, but he pulls her into him. "You will never leave me. Come, let me remind you why."
My father turns to me and says, "Rain, go to your room now. And stay there."
That's when Mummy bursts into tears, and it makes me so sad I'm crying too. I'm crying for my mummy.
"Daddy, please, come back!"
"ROOM NOW!" Mummy shouts at me.
Then suddenly I am mad at Mummy, Daddy, at the whole entire world! I stomp my feet. "No shouting at Rain!" I'm so mad at them I don't even want to be their little angel anymore! So I run into my room, slam my door, and throw myself onto my bubble-gum pink princess bed. Muffled shouts, bangs, and screaming can be heard, and I cry and scream into my pillow.
Ragged sobs break free from my chest, and it feels like my whole world is about to be torn apart. The sound fades… the walls around me fade. For a moment I think I'm still there, crying into the pillow. Then I realise — my eyes are open. I feel utterly wrecked. Sighing and groaning loudly, I wake up from another one of those dreams…
The disorientation is jarring at first, but it doesn't take long for me to realise that I have woken up — and I am in the dark.
The darkness is suffocating, and I'm alone… so very alone.
Daddy is going to find me if I don't stay quiet — like Mummy says.
No. You are not a little girl, Rain. There's nothing to be afraid of. He can't hurt you… not anymore…
A gasp tears itself from my throat. I am hyperventilating — quick, small breaths I can't seem to catch. There isn't enough air.
And so, like the flip of a switch, I can't move.
I'm frozen in place, mid-breath. It feels as if there's something inside of me, just under my skin, shifting. There's a ringing in my ears. I can only take quick, sharp breaths as the unease intensifies.
Looking straight ahead, I try to take in my surroundings.
The shape of my desk.
The chair with my blazer thrown over it.
The wardrobe.
The door.
Is someone there?