57. "HATE ME FOREVER"
Would she rather that I play her for a fool, make promises that I don't mean to her heart, use her love for my selfish reasons and then leave her hanging when I find something else? It wasn't supposed to get to this point, I was just trying to have fun and protect our hearts from a disaster but she's always wanted more from me.
I thought that she would understand my reasons, I thought she'd settle for the little that I could offer but she was so fixed upon the idea of us being lovers and in a relationship. I walked away quietly and I spent my time with another girl, she found out through social media and then she blew up my phone on some drama, I didn't have the time nor the energy, so she took offense and left me a 5am text.
"You don't even wanna have a conversation about this, you're just immature and always running, I'm done waiting for you and everything, I deserve that loves me and is sure about it, don't bother replying because I'm blocking you, bye", that's what she said.
She wanted me to give her more even though I made it clear that I'm not ready for commitment and love, I don't care if she decides to hate me forever, I'm not the type of guy who's gonna rush himself into something he ain't ready for just for somebody's happiness.
I was just trying to keep it safe, have fun with no strings but she's always wanted more from me.
58. "MOMMY ISSUES"
I used to think that it's normal for a mother to not be affectionate with her child, things like hugs and "I love you" weren't part of my childhood. I'm getting older now and every single thing that I grew up not getting from my mother is now what I search for in all these girls, at this point, I lost count.
Now instead of getting to know each other and taking things slow, I always wanna jump the talking stage and get to the point where a girl falls for me, that's when she loves me with no conditions but as soon as it gets to the commitment, I find myself somebody else to love me. I used to think less of my mommy issues but now that I'm older, getting involved with multiple women, I can't even open up to anybody, all I do is feed my appetite, then I move on.
These mommy issues are now getting more louder, I'm out here looking for a girl that's gonna love me, hug me, ask about my day and communicate with me, maybe that's gonna fill up this void I have inside.
A child's first love is his mother, I know that my loves me wholeheartedly but she's never been affectionate, that part did something to me when I was growing up and now that I'm getting involved with these girls, it's showing how closed off and toxic I am, that there's some things I gotta heal from.