Even though I want to die but I very much fear death,
I look around me and see, everything falling apart as if the horizon of my life has come near me,
I have envied people who can pursue their goals,
No that would be praising myself, I have envied people who even have goals to pursue,
I roam around the roads, the overhead bridge like that insect that has been removed from its straight-line formation,
But they are still better than me because they know what they are searching for,
For they know what they want,
So they can give it their best to find it,
So, I, Shishir even envy the ants I can crush easily,
I am walking around but I do not know why am I even doing this,
My room is a mess, I want money to sustain myself and I know, my parents will give me money if I ask for it,
But I won't or more of I can't,
So today in empty stomach I exited my room and my next-door neighbor was studying holding a book in his hands and walking back and forth,
Trying to memorize the concepts, I envy him too,
How can he study so much?
He looked at me with a smile and said "Big bro, where are you going?"
I looked at him and said "Nothing, just for a stroll…"
He looked at me and said "Big bro, year is about to end, what plans do you have for new year? I was invited in a party,"
He struggled and said with a nervousness,
"I want a companion, I am not into these types of things but my friends insisted, will you join me?"
He looked at me with hope,
I don't know what that this guy sees in me, I am a just a loser, who can solve any of other people's problems but when I get into a very small problem, I can't solve it,
I just shook my head and said "I will think about that," and I left the place,
'He really got an invitation for a new year party? He just studies daily and does not watch movies, series or any forms of medias.' I thought.
'Well, he kind of lacks social skills so I will join him,'
I walked on the same road I used to walk, I looked around some people laughing some people minding their own business and some couples holding hands and laughing,
I also saw people making reels and TikTok's,
But I kept walking and after sometimes, I stopped outside a restaurant and saw people inside eating food,
I also had an urged to eat those delicious foods but I remembered I only had few rupees (around 1$) in my pocket,
I wanted to laugh but I didn't so I could only smile and walk ahead keeping slow steps,
As I walked, I reached elite level peoples street area, there houses and garden were magnificent,
Their cars wonderful and their clothes beautiful,
As I was walking down the street, A guard standing outside a gold painted big gate said "Little brother stop for a second, a car is coming through,"
As the gold painted gate opened, I saw the car I have only seen in social media,
They looked wonderous and enchanting, the lustrous car paint dazzling like a shiny diamond,
Inside the car sat a girl of my age in driving seat and on other seat sat a middle-aged man,
Both were smiling and a middle-aged man was instructing the girl on how to drive that is what I think,
After the car passed, I kept on walking,
As I walked some people were looking at me, I was confused at first then I realized why they were looking at me because I was wearing the normal clothes I used to wear back in my village,
But these clothes were not normal here but below average,
How would you react when a man of eighteen years is walking around with messy curly hairs, with unshaved beard and moustache wearing slippers instead of shoes and wearing normal shirt and pajamas,
But then I thought, these people are not surely looking at me, It was me only over thinking,
'It is just spotlight effect, I shouldn't care about their stares,'
And I kept on walking and an overhead bridge came in sight,
I followed it and climbed it and after reaching middle of a bridge,
I looked below and saw cars, motor bikes, trucks passing by,
'I should Jump, I want to die' that was my first thought, how laughable that I lived for so many years just for this thought to come in my head but I looked around and took a long breath and and…
Fuuu,
I shook my head trying to kick out that thought,
Even though I want to die but I very much fear death…