Hadrian continued to stare blindly at the pensive, the memories glowing eerily blue, giving the only indication that the pensive was in use away. He hadn't been able to follow Tom in this time, what Tom was viewing were the harder memories, ones he definitely didn't want to see again, especially not the times on the run, or worse still the time his ex- best friends had nearly killed him (actually left him for dead) before he ended up back in this time. When Tom emerged he would know nearly everything, the only thing he wouldn't know but certainly implied in the memories was the powers he had gained possession of when he had all three items Death had gifted the others in his possession. Rubbing his forehead, anxiety bubbling like a raging inferno within him, he grunted before he finally gave in and walked out of their bedroom, swiftly making his way down the stairs to the cellar, which was underneath the kitchen, he'd found it earlier it was extremely dusty, filled with cobwebs and all sorts of critters he didn't want to identify right now. No, he was only interested in one thing, a bottle of alcohol. Removing one of the bottles, he rolled his eyes and returned it, going to a different rack and seeking the next bottle, he didn't want wine, and he wanted something much stronger. His second guess was a success, whiskey, a Muggle bottle, that would have been a surprise if he didn't already know the Peverells had bought into the wine and spirits companies back in the day.
He didn't spare the cellar a second glance; he just closed the door and made his way back up the stairs, grabbing a glass from the box of things he'd yet to put away. There was no further reason to delay, so without pause he headed straight back for the bedroom. Hadrian didn't sit down on one of the couches, instead he sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall, with the fireplace to his left, offering some warmth, not as much as the bottle was about to offer him he thought tiredly. He was bone achingly tired, yet he knew if he tried to put his head down to sleep he wouldn't, his mind would just become wide awake as if it was joking with him. Using his clothes, Hadrian absently wiped the bottle down until it was pristine.
Yawning as he blinked his eyes rapidly, wondering how long Tom would remain submerged in those memories, trying to calculate as he filled the glass half way. Screwing the top back on he thumped the bottle to the side of him. He would need to be careful; this body wasn't used to alcohol of any kind. In other words he would end up completely intoxicated with a single gulp no doubt. Yet the thought of achieving that feeling of weightlessness was strong, he didn't spare a second before he took a large gulp, grimacing at the burn yet relishing in it all the same. A moan tore from his throat, his head leaning back as he felt warm envelope him completely.
Another chilling thought consumed him, what Tom would he be confronted with when he saw everything? The Tom he had seen from the Diary? The hardened bitter one? The beginning of Voldemort appearing? He hadn't been able to glean much from Tom during their trips to the pensive, he just seemed stunned to him mostly. After all he was showing him, Hadrian couldn't really blame him if he did. His mind reflected on all the memories he'd placed within the pensive.
The Dementor attack, the farce of a trial, the time he was 'Nagini' and attacking Arthur Weasley, the vision he had of Voldemort cursing his godfather, the trip to the Ministry of magic, no matter what it is bound to be embarrassing for Tom to watch his supporters getting taken down by Hogwarts students. Then the battle, his possession, learning the prophecy after just seeing his godfather die. Dumbledore using him to get Slughorn back, the so called training memories, the trip for the Horcrux in the cave, Dumbledore's death, the locket being a fake, the real never ending trip for Horcruxes, the bleak existence the magical world had tumbled into, Ron leaving, Godric's Hollow, Nagini coming out of the dead corpse of Bagshot, the trip to the Ministry, Gringotts, their escape by dragon, even the conversation about the Cruciatus curse being used so casually on the students by the Death Eaters…the eventual return to Hogwarts. The memories Severus gave him, the fact he had walked to his own death and let Voldemort curse him, the final battle, and most importantly the memory of his friends turning their backs on him trying to kill him 'for Dumbledore and the 'Greater good' their version of Harry hunting, and the inevitability of his own capture and near death.
Harry raised his knees, placing his elbows on his knees, his fingers wrapped around the glass absently swirling it as he did so. His ending up here had been a godsend really, Merlin help him, despite the fact he was decades out of his own time, he'd never felt more at home anywhere before. Sure to begin with it had been a little daunting, mostly just shock that the magical world truly hadn't changed all that much yet at the same time changed so drastically in terms of its people. Tom along the way had helped him forget about the future, he'd just thought on here and now, along the way actually envisioning a different future for them.
Damn his self righteousness to hell, why couldn't he just have happiness in his life without being so righteous that he felt the need to tell Tom everything? Snarling at himself, he knew why, that sort of shit always backfired, and it would have obliterated any trust they had, and Hadrian had to know that Tom knew everything but still chose him even if his heart and mind continued to fight about that particular outcome. Taking another gulp of whiskey, he wiped his lips crudely, it didn't matter whether it needed done or not…it was now a case of what's done is done…for now, he could go back, at least he assumed so anyway, he still didn't know the finer details of what he was actually capable of. What he did know was it took months to recover from being magically sent through time.
He almost wanted time to stand still; Schrödinger's cat came to mind, although the theory didn't exactly fit his predicament. Until Tom came out of that Pensive his hope could be considered both dead and alive, depending on what his current thoughts were. When he came out he would know for sure, and it wasn't something Hadrian really wanted despite the fact the gut wrenching fear was eating him alive.
Then far too soon for his liking, the wait was over, as the pensive glowed almost violet in vibrancy before Tom was ejected from the pensive. Apprehensive green eyes tried to gauge Tom's reaction, but he wasn't able to glimpse much of anything in his face, as Tom just blindly sat down, gazing at the floor his entire body stiff. Magic pouring erratically off him in waves, he was angry, very, very angry.
Glancing at the amber liquid, he chugged the last of the glasses contents in the back of his throat. Deciding to wait and let Tom think, really after everything he had learned it was the least he could do. A cynical part of him though was surprised that Tom hadn't already spat the usually fatal curse at him. He had killed him; Tom knew the prophecy, if he defeated him now there would be nothing to worry about in the future.
Time seemed such a meaningless thing at the moment, seconds, minutes or even hours could have passed, but it was beyond either Hadrian or Tom's comprehension. What Hadrian did notice was the lack of electric magic crackling in the air, Tom's magic had calmed down either that or the teen had tremendously tampered it down forcing himself into something resembling control.
Swallowing thickly, usually the only reason Tom grew very quiet was when he was beyond anger, ready to snap, beyond being able to properly display just how fucking mad he was. Unscrewing the cap, he filled the glass up again nearly to the top, before he glanced at Tom again, drinking wasn't making him feel any better, wasn't helping this situation at all, he wished it would.
Blinking in surprise as Tom snatched the bottle out of his fingers, before he began to pace, occasionally a burst of magic would shoot out, and Tom would drink.
"The book said nothing about side-affects," Tom said vehemently, well nothing like that.
Hadrian chuckled bitterly, "You created seven Horcruxes Tom, and you heard yourself, you who had gone further than any other in quest for immortality."
Tom scowled at the fact Hadrian was throwing his future-self's words at him before gulping down the whiskey from the bottle, waiting on Hadrian explaining as he knew he would.
"There are four main side-effects of creating Horcruxes," Hadrian said, groaning slightly as his world span, yes, no more drink for him. "You thought it would make you more powerful, but its just the opposite, while you were powerful in my time, astonishingly so, I never once saw you using Wandless magic, even Dumbledore did bits and pieces of it, nothing like you would have been capable if you hadn't already tore off most of your soul. The first Horcrux split your soul in half, then you repeated the process over and over again, until your soul was so small and unstable, a shard tore itself out and imbedded in me without you doing the ritual."
"And the others?" Tom asked darkly, his mind whirling; the price of his immortality had come at the expense of his magic? If he had known that he would never have contemplated using Horcruxes. His powers were the key to getting him where he wanted; he valued his power above any possible immortality.
"Dehumanisation, both physical and mental," Hadrian said, green eyes dull yet had an intense air around him. "The more you created, the less human you became, you saw for yourself, the first thing that went were your beautiful eyes, they became red, you turned white, pasty. One ends up with a lesser view on morality. It's postulated that without those feelings that make us who we are…you'd be more likely to create more Horcruxes. You wouldn't have been you."
"The fourth?" Tom questioned, his tone gone deadly quiet.
Hadrian closed his eyes as he confessed the last one, "The inability to move on, you do not become a ghost nor do you look at resurrection when its time to move on, the mutilated soul is shipped straight to limbo, remaining there even after the end of time itself aware, but how much awareness is unknown even to me…"
Tom felt a shiver run up his spine as an icy feeling tingled within him. To know such information the Unspeakables of Hadrian's time were quite accomplished, but from the pieces of memory…Hadrian and those two murderous blips he would one day torture and kill for harming Hadrian they hadn't known much and Hadrian had been on the run, where would he have gotten such information? It was on the tip of his tongue, but when he caught sight of Hadrian, all his thoughts ceased, he looked defeated, destroyed even. Why? What would cause Hadrian to look like that? He'd had more life in him when he'd gone down to that damn forest to let himself be killed because Dumbledore suggested it.
Just thinking on that memory made his stomach lurch tightly, for two people so alike, it hadn't been until that moment he truly realized they weren't alike as he had hoped. Hadrian or rather Harry had embraced death, welcomed it even, while he feared it above all else. He had walked down into that forest to let himself be killed to keep everyone in the magical world safe, it was mind-boggling for him, likely because he never would do such a thing. In the end the people Harry had sacrificed himself for turned their backs on him; the pain in those green eyes had almost made him feel as if he was the one being torn apart. He didn't care for much in his life, not genuinely but Hadrian's wellbeing and happiness was one of them even if he hadn't understood it to begin with.
It certainly opened his eyes to the true nature of the warning and scene with Hadrian and Avery after the snake incident. The anger hadn't been at the sole situation, it was a culmination of them, and a situation that had metaphorically broken the camels back and for the first time Hadrian had fought back with vigour and vengeance against someone who would see him dead for no apparent reason. While he personally hadn't seen it as 'a bit too much' he knew the others had, judging by what he'd seen…Avery was lucky to be alive. Something had snapped in Hadrian during the very last fight with his friends when they'd almost succeeded in killing him, and what a battle it was, he still had his morals but he wasn't dead set against getting vengeance at any cost with those who hurt him now. The darkness that had been held at bay, the willingness to fight for them, for all that he thought was right, had been completely destroyed. He was absolutely certain if he was asked to go to his own death to save the entire world he would laugh in their faces. Which did bring some solace to Tom; Harry had been raised like a pig for the slaughter as it was so aptly put. At least someone had been furious over it, not furious enough to do anything, he'd noticed but it had considerably lessened his desire to see his guts spilled all over the floor - again.
Every single person he had seen so much as manipulate Hadrian the slightest he had took a good long hard look at with deadly intention. Although an argument could be postulated that Hadrian had been manipulating everyone around him too, but it wasn't as simple as that. He was just using future knowledge to advance the magical world - to stop its self destruction. After seeing what he had…Tom was definitely on board with whatever Hadrian had planned.
Seeing him so downtrodden was absolutely disgusting, he was a powerful, prideful, amazing, a shrewd warrior that could duel like a hellcat and hold his own even against three opponents. He defended those weaker than him, yet knew when to step in and when to let it be. Of course, it dawned on Tom that perhaps he was the reason Hadrian was quite, when things weren't directly about himself, emotionally he found it difficult to understand what others were thinking especially if he couldn't read their minds. It was something he had never been able to do with Hadrian, for glaringly obvious reasons he thought with rancour.
Hell if he knew how to approach him though, honestly, if anyone deserved to curl up on themselves it was him. His entire life had just literally (well maybe not so literally since it was Harry's life but they'd been so closely intertwined) flashed before his eyes, and none of it was at all appealing to him. Power, yes, status, again yes, fear? Well he did get a kick out of that, but not the all encompassing fear the others had of him that led to their betrayal or worse him betraying them after they'd given their fealty. The others did speak up, but it had to be about something worth risking annoying him for, they picked their battles, those people he'd seen in the pensive didn't speak other than to beg for mercy or when they were asked a direct question. Perhaps Hadrian's words while at the orphanage about fear had merit.
Walking over to him, he sat down on the floor without as much as a grimace. Knowing was different…but seeing Hadrian so much older than him had been odd to say the least. He had been such a small scrawny thing, much like he had been when he first appeared and like so, he had grown into a stunning man…and Tom did wonder how much of that man would appear in Hadrian this time around. Cursing inwardly, his mind was rambling, and he did not ramble then again it may have something to do with his mind still trying to store and rationalise everything he'd seen tonight.
"You broke into Gringotts and escaped on the back of a dragon," Tom spoke, his voice blank.
Hadrian glanced up his green eyes narrowed a little as he tried to figure out if there was meaning behind those words. Today hadn't been his day, everything was going the opposite of how he'd believed or wanted it to…and each reaction he'd expected from Tom just didn't come. "Yes," he finally answered his voice slightly off, "Out of everything you saw…everything I did…that's what you say?"
It clicked within Tom's mind the reason for all the weird behaviour. "You still think I will walk away at best, at worst…I don't even want to know your thoughts on that subject…as understandable as they may be due to your past." he said glancing at the pensive. He definitely couldn't blame Hadrian not after all he'd been through. Just when he found stability something always seemed to come along and destroy it for him. Hadrian's past his future, or rather it had been his future, but he absolutely refused to become that person.
"You aren't going to walk away?" Hadrian asked incredulously gazing intently at him, searching for something but what…Tom didn't know. "You've seen what I'm capable of, you've seen what I did to you, and I know how much you want an immortal life because you fear death so badly."
"There's also something else I fear above all else, remember the Boggart?" Tom pointed out, grimacing in remembrance. After a very obvious pause, "Losing you."
Hadrian did remember, he inhaled shakily, with everything that happened it hadn't been a particularly memorable memory, it wasn't the first time he's seen himself lying dead as a Boggart shape shifted into his 'dead form' as it were. The feel of Tom gripping his hand and pulling him forward brought him out of his thoughts. Before he could think lips descended upon his own, powerful, demanding and pushy as always, although maybe more so tonight, but considering they were both drunk beyond capacity. Hadrian wrapped his fingers in Tom's cloak, preventing him from retreating when he inevitably would. Both of them tasted of whiskey neither had anything to eat lately, which they probably should have.
"You are the strongest yet most foolish wizard I have ever met," Tom stated once he withdrew just slightly but every puff of breath that left tom's mouth, brushed against Hadrian's mouth head. "I can't even begin to imagine how it felt to be treated so badly after everything you sacrificed for those despicable people." he hadn't been any better with his own people, due to his decline into madness, but at least Hadrian had put the rabid animal down, and that is what he had been, a mad, rabid animal that only desired and achieved destruction, he wanted to create, to make the magical world flourish not destroy it.
"Did what I had to, to survive." Hadrian shrugged, hopefulness began to brew slowly within him, and despite everything could it be possible that Tom still wanted him? It was incomprehensible to him, but he was beginning to realize that perhaps it was a good thing; there was nothing fun in being able to predict all of Tom's moves and thoughts.
"You did, but no more, together we'll both remake the world to something we want," Tom stated sharply, meaning every word. As long as they were together they could accomplish anything, and Tom knew that deep in his bones. "You've already started, but you're not alone Hadrian, neither of us are. The future you've experienced will NOT happen," Hadrian would make sure it didn't, there was someone to rein him in if he went too far. Just like he had earlier, stopped him from making the single most biggest mistake of his life. He'd done it in no uncertain terms either, and it had scared him, even if he would never admit it. He didn't want to be without Hadrian, and that feeling hadn't faded yet, and had realized long ago that the feeling would never fade.
"Do you really mean that?" Hadrian asked, his heartbeat pounding erratically, everything was beginning to mute, he was almost beginning to lose sense of his surroundings he was just too tired.
"Yes, what do I need to do to gain your trust?" Tom asked getting a little annoyed now.
Hadrian shook his head; "You already have it, you never lost it, and I just expected you to never trust me." would they ever be the same when all was said and done? Merlin he hoped so, he never thought he'd feel worse by showing the memories, it should have been liberating, freeing that he no longer had that, shaking off his thoughts, there was just no point to it, what was done was done. Yawning tiredly, he leaned against Tom's shoulder, too tired to even think of what he was doing, he suddenly just felt exhausted and a deep seated need for sleep.
"And you have a deal to keep," Tom said, but he knew it was useless, he could tell Hadrian was deeply asleep; they had shared the same bed for a long time after all.