"The Fates must be testing me," Hades sighed, staring at the clock on the wall.
Hermes was over forty minutes late and hadn't sent word to explain or excuse the delay. The nerve of him to keep Hades waiting like a fool; especially when he was the one who had pleaded for an emergency session. He knew full well the practice was closed for the week while the office was undergoing repairs.
Because of Hermes' urgent request, Hades had arranged to use the Judges' private chambers while the three of them were busy adjudicating the deeds of departed souls. But enough was enough! Hades had other tasks to attend to.
He rose from behind Rhadamanthus' desk and headed for the door. He had only taken three steps when a gust of wind whipped past, carrying with it the distinct stench of cow dung.
Something tapped his left shoulder. He turned… Nothing. Then came the second tap on his right.
"Cut it out, Hermes!" he growled, stepping back into the office and shutting the door behind him. "You're late. I hate being kept waiting, you know that…"
Hades paused, now less than two meters from Hermes, and sniffed the air. "Why do you smell like a sack of cow shit?"
Hermes' eyes widened a fraction. "Still?" he whined.
He raised an arm and sniffed his armpit, then pulled off his winged helmet and gave it a sniff. Next, he checked his fingernails, the soles of his winged sandals, and finally his chiton.
"I'm pretty sure I washed it all off. How is the smell still that strong?" he complained, locking eyes with Hades as if expecting an answer.
Hades noticed his hair and chiton were damp. Clear evidence he'd just come from whatever nonsense he'd been up to.
"Do I even want to know?" Hades asked, exasperated. He returned to the desk and set down his briefcase.
Hermes practically vibrated with excitement as he turned to face him. "I was helping Apollo get his revenge on Eros for the whole Daphne thing. All I can say is that the prank involved an ungodly amount of cow and sheep shit. Eros is going to lose his pretty little mind when he finds out," he snickered.
Hades palmed his face. "Still playing with cows after all these years? I wonder what your faithful worshipers would say if they knew the fearsome gods they so devoutly worship and make sacrifices in the names of are nothing but a bunch of witless juvenile youths whose sense of humour never evolved past toddler age."
Hermes let out a snort of laughter. "The mortals don't care for us as much as we gods think, or would like them to."
He moved to sit in one of the empty chairs, but Hades thrust out a hand to stop him.
"You will remain standing. I don't need the Judges on my case because you dirtied up their space."
"You're joking," Hermes said with a laugh.
Hades' stony stare made it clear he was not.
Hermes crossed his arms and pouted. "So you expect me to stand for… How long are your sessions again?"
"An hour. Or longer, depending on the patient. Consider this your punishment for keeping me waiting while you fooled around with Apollo. So, why did you request an emergency therapy session?"
Hermes planted his hands on his hips and tapped his foot against the floor, his movements sharp and twitchy, like he'd forgotten how to function at normal speed. Even the way he spoke was often too fast for others to fully grasp. He spat out words in rapid succession, often hopping from one topic to another and sometimes barely completing a statement before he let another thought slip without thinking how abrasive or thoughtless it might sound.
Hermes was forever putting his foot in his mouth, and Hades had once scolded him for it. In response Hermes then confessed that it often felt like his thoughts were racing too far ahead for his mouth to keep up.
"Oh, it's nothing serious. I just needed an alibi for when Eros discovers his little present. I know the pretty boy won't dare question you if you tell him I've been with you the whole time."
Hades rested his chin on his fist. "Or I could just tell him the truth. Gaia knows it's high time someone raked your ass over hot pokers for the stupid tricks you pull on us."
"Come now, Hades. You wouldn't throw me to the wolves I'm your favourite nibling."
"My what?" Hades gaped at him.
Hermes zipped over to Minos' desk and began rooting through the drawers. "Nibling. It's the collective term for nephews and nieces. And I am your favourite," he added with a smug smile.
"First Ares, now you. What makes any of you think I have a favourite among my nephews and nieces? I couldn't care less about you lot," Hades huffed.
"Aw, Uncle. You wound me. After everything we've been through," Hermes muttered distractedly, yanking at one drawer that was clearly locked. "Hm… What on earth would a dead king have to hide? Got any lock-picking tools?"
"Why would I— Hey!" Hades yelled, leaping from his seat as Hermes vanished from the room and returned a second later.
A click. The drawer popped open but before he could peek inside, Hades had him suspended three meters in the air.
"Keep your sticky fingers to yourself, Hermes, or I swear I'll sic the Furies on you."
"Joke's on you; they love me," Hermes replied, reclining mid-air with his hands behind his head as if he were lounging in a hammock.
"Not since you and Apollo helped Orestes escape their pursuit, they don't."
Hades released his telekinetic hold, dropping Hermes. Unfortunately, the impertinent imp floated gracefully to the ground and made straight for Aeacus' desk next.
"I know you're the patron god of thieves, but do you really have to be a kleptomaniac yourself?"
Hermes sheepishly backed away from the desk and went to sit cross-legged on the floor in the middle of the vast office.
Hades walked around Rhadamanthus' desk and perched on the corner, arms crossed as he looked down at Hermes.
"I literally cannot help myself. I see something I want I take it. Sometimes I don't even want or need it, but something in me demands I take it anyway," Hermes replied with a shrug, drumming his fingers on his thighs.
"I suppose you can't. The first thing you did after your birth was steal, after all," Hades mused. "Even if it is an inherent trait, you could learn to curb the compulsion to take things that don't belong to you and maybe start respecting others' boundaries."
Hermes blew a raspberry. "I know how to respect boundaries. That's why I'm a messenger to the gods. Do you have any idea how many secrets I've got locked up in here?" He tapped the side of his head. "If I didn't respect people's boundaries, I would've told you about all the nauseating poetry Apollo has had me recite for Persephone every time she visits the mortal realm."
Hades didn't think. He flung Hermes across the room and pinned him to the wall with his power. "I beg your finest pardon?"
His voice was low and calm but no less menacing.
A chill spread through the room, raising goose bumps across Hermes' exposed skin.
Hermes, the cheeky bastard, wasn't cowed. Lucky for him, Hades caught the spark of mischief in his eye and the slight upward tilt of his lips just in time before he lost himself to a frenzy of fury and ended him right then and there. Apollo would've been next.
Hades muttered a curse. "Have you no fear for your life, boy?" he spat, releasing Hermes.
"A healthy dose of fear is good; gets the ichor pumping. Kind of like the thrill of nicking something right under someone's nose, not knowing it they'll catch on or not." A victorious grin spread across Hermes' boyish face as he held up his palm for Hades to see.
"When did you—" Hades glanced down at his left hand to find his wedding ring missing. "Give me that!" He snatched the ring back. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Hermes. You can't just steal anything and everything you feel like taking, especially when it has sentimental value to others."
"Why not? It helps blow off steam. Some of us barely have time to breathe with all the hats I have to wear. Let's see… What's a day in the life of Hermes Trismegistus?" He tapped his mouth, pretending to think.
"I have to play broken telephone for all of you, and endure all kinds of insults for the messages I deliver. Apparently the concept of 'don't shoot the messenger' is lost on you Greeks. When I'm not busy delivering insults and threats on all of your behalf, I'm travelling across realms and guiding souls down here. I'm also expected to protect travellers on their journeys, and we all know some of them don't necessarily make the best decisions—cough, Odysseus, cough," he added under his breath. "I have look after animal farmers and tricksters. And someone thought it would be funny to make me the god of commerce and merchants, as if I don't have enough to deal with already. So you see Uncle, with a schedule as packed as mine, a little stealing here and there is nothing in comparison."
"Ah. So even though your compulsion to steal is an innate part of your nature, would you say it's mostly triggered by stress from being overworked?" Hades asked.
"No. It's triggered by me seeing something I like and wanting to have it. Most times anyway," Hermes shrugged. "If it's truly sentimental, I return it to the owner. Sometimes... if I feel like it." He walked past Hades and plopped into a chair, ignoring Hades' earlier threats. He leaned back against his chair, relaxed and perfectly at home. "Sometimes I to steal just to watch the others on Olympus point fingers at each other. For some reason, I'm never the first one they suspect. Must be 'cause of all the backstabbing and in-fighting; its soap opera central up there, everyone's got drama with everyone else. Never a dull day on Mount Olympus," he sneered, his grin sharpening and something dark flashing in his green eyes.
"You sound bothered by it," Hades observed.
"Do I?"
"Mm," Hades nodded. "I thought causing drama and scandals was right up your alley." Hades' statement sounded more like a question.
Hermes took off his helmet and toyed with it. "I love pulling the occasional prank, sure, but it's never meant to truly hurt anyone. But the others? They aim to kill when their egos take a hit. They'll greet you with one hand, while the other is hiding a knife behind their back, ready to stab you the second your guard is down. But hey! That's just our nature. Capricious. Vindictive. Manipulative. Cruel."
Hades stared at the back of Hermes' head. He never expected him to be so… was pessimistic the word? The boy was always a bundle of energy always on the move and always cheerful the comforting warmth to Apollo's blazing light.
As if sensing he'd revealed too much, Hermes jumped to his feet, his expression bright. "I heard you had a Norse guest recently. Are they really as savage as the rumours say?"
Hades thought back to his unfortunate session with Thor and shrugged. "Not sure I can judge a whole pantheon based on one god's actions."
Though Thor had been rude at times, Hades didn't think he'd gone out of his way to offend him. A little dense, sure, and definitely overzealous at the prospect of fighting Zeus but Hades felt no lingering resentment for the destruction of his office.
"I've been thinking about sneaking into their realm to see what's what. Bet they have a ton of cool magical stuff. I know Hephaestus is curious about their smiths and craftsmen. You think he'd help me get in and out without being detected?" Hermes asked.
Hades' eyes drifted down to the helmet Hermes had left on the desk. It used to be Hades' until his nephew 'stole' it as one of his pranks. The only reason Hades let him keep it was that he didn't have much use for it anymore. It was his way of showing gratitude for the work Hermes did for the Underworld though he disliked how his nephew had the helm re-forged into its ridiculous current shape.
"You have my helm of invisibility. Shouldn't that be enough? Not that I'm encouraging you to stir up trouble with the Aesir, I don't feel like partaking in another war anytime soon." Hades ruffled Hermes' auburn curls.
"I'm not a clueless fool, you know. I know my limits," Hermes shot back with a roll of his eyes. He picked up a crystal paperweight from Rhadamanthus' desk, examined it briefly and set it down.
"Oh? Is that why you tricked Hera into breastfeeding you knowing damn well how she feels about Zeus' bastard children?" Hades countered.
"Ouch! Not the b-word," Hermes clutched his chest, feigning a wounded expression. "In my defence, I was a literal infant, and my plan worked, didn't it? Out of all Hera's step kids, I don't get it as bad as the others because she now considers me her foster son. It pays to be cunning and just a little deceitful," he winked.
"Mm-hm. Too bad all that cunning didn't work out so well for Pandora. Who was it who gifted her with a curious and 'just a little deceitful' nature again?"
"Hey, don't pin that mess on me. Daddy-dearest meant for her to open that box all along. You can't lay that fuck-up at my feet. And what does this have to do with me not knowing my limits?" Hermes raised an eyebrow.
Hades clasped his hands behind his back. "The point is you never think your choices through; you don't consider the consequences. All you care about is the thrill. You're no longer an infant who can get by on just his charm and wit anymore…"
"Ugh! This speech is starting to sound eerily like the lectures I've gotten from Zeus and Mum. And would you look at the time!" He glanced down at his bare wrist. "Eros should have discovered his present by now. I don't want to miss his reaction."
Hades blocked his path before he could leave. "I want you to think about what I said, Hermes. There are ways to manage your compulsion like psychotherapy, for instance. If you ever feel the impulse is getting too much to bear, or if you just need a place to rest and calm your racing thoughts, you can always come to see me."
Hermes tapped Hades' shoulder. "Thank you, Hades, but I'm fine. Better than fine, actually. Whatever demons I may harbour will never catch up to me. Fastest god and all that. Except in the sack, of course. No one appreciates a lover who finishes too fast. Learned that the hard way," he laughed, and then he was gone in the blink of an eye.