When Persephone declared she was having a girls' night in and ordered Hades to be somewhere else, he had no idea what to do with himself. He'd visited the three judges in the Plain of Judgment, only to find that they had no work for him. Charon and Thanatos were off to gods knows where, and his children were content to shut themselves in their rooms than spend time with good ol'dad.
So, he decided to catch up on paperwork instead,
With nothing else to occupy his time, he resorted to the mundane and dreaded task of catching up on his paperwork. Leaving Persephone and Hera to their own devices, he used his office at the Wellness Centre instead of working from home despite the late hour. Ten minutes in—and on his fifth read of the same paragraph Poseidon casually strolled into his office.
Hades took off his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I wasn't expecting you," he said with a tired smile.
"Our nephew's been bugging me to come support his new business venture," Poseidon said, stepping into the room, carrying with him the briny scent of the ocean. "I didn't want to be the only old coot there, so I figured I'd ask you to come with me."
"Which nephew, and what business venture?"
Poseidon grinned. "Dionysus opened a bar. From what I hear, it's all the rage with the young-ins. I tried inviting Zeus but he's off somewhere chasing tail."
Hades pushed up from his chair. "A blessing in disguise. We'd just wind up getting caught in Hera's crosshairs and getting accused of enabling him."
"Our brother would save himself a whole lot of trouble if he learned to be more discreet and tactful. How is it that he gets caught every single time?" Poseidon tutted, shaking his head in disappointment.
Hades side-eyed his youngest brother, the corners of his mouth tipped down in judgment. "Or he could just not cheat. What is wrong with the two of you?"
"More like what is wrong with you? I can understand Hera's obsession with monogamy given what she represents; but show me any other god who remains satisfied with a single partner and I'd gladly give up all my riches. Even Aphrodite and Ares, who are devoted to each other are not faithful to each other. Monogamy isn't in our DNA. I don't think it's in human nature, either."
Hades shook his head. "And Amphitrite is okay with all your lovers?"
"Unlike Zeus, I chose wisely when I married my wife. We love each other, and we're both fine with sharing our love with other partners. Lovers may come and go, but our devotion to each other is eternal."
Hades decided not to pursue the topic further, knowing it would get him nowhere. He packed up his documents and followed Poseidon out of the office.
***
Dionysus' bar was located at the base of Mount Olympus, hidden from human eyes by powerful protective wards.
"The Emotional Support Goblet? What the bloody hell kind of name is that?" Hades asked, staring up at the sign mounted above the entrance.
"You get hung up on the oddest details," Poseidon chuckled and shoved his brother inside.
The place was packed with every table occupied, most of the patrons dancing and singing along with the musicians performing on stage. It was loud, chaotic…very much Dionysus-esque in its vibe.
By far, the strangest sight of all was that of the performer going all out on stage. There, front and centre, was their eldest brother, belting out a bawdy folk song at the top of his lungs while two scantily clad fauns danced suggestively around him. Hades cringed when Zeus' voice cracked on a high note.
Hades choked on air. "By the Fates! Is that Zeus?"
"Already three sheets to the wind by the looks of it. Can't believe he still thinks he's a good singer," Poseidon chortled, clapping his hands in time with the music.
Turning away from Zeus' embarrassing display, the two made their way to the bar. Hades spotted Charon and Thanatos at one of the gambling tables, seated with Hermes, Artemis, Heracles, Hebe, Eris, and Enyo. A weary sigh escaped him. With the last two present, it was only a matter of time before chaos broke.
Behind the bar, Dionysus served drinks to impatient patrons while helping himself to his own stock. A blunt was tucked behind his ear, wisps of smoke curling up from the lit end and he didn't seem to mind the ashes falling onto his shoulder. His face lit up when he saw Hades and Poseidon.
"You made it! Welcome to Emotional Support Goblet, uncles. What can I get you?" he offered, arms spread wide to show off the extensive collection of alcohol on the shelves behind him.
Poseidon ordered two goblets of Chian wine to start with. Dionysus filled them to the brim, much to Hades' displeasure as the wine sloshed over the rim, and spilled down his chin and stained the front of his shirt.
"This is a nice bar and all, but what's with the name?" Hades asked, wiping his hands clean with a handkerchief.
"Catchy, right? Got the inspiration from you," Dionysus smirked, pointing at Hades, who raised an eyebrow in question. "The Emotional Support Goblet: Where gods come to drink away their burdens and vent without restraint. Neat idea, isn't it?"
Hades opened his mouth to respond, but something caught his eye.
"I-is that Anubis? Why is he sobbing into his drink?" He demanded in a horrified whisper.
Dionysus shrugged. "He was gloomy as fuck when he came in. Been downing margaritas like there's no tomorrow. Started crying after his third glass and growls at anyone who tries to talk to him. Also… Loki might've given him some weird flower that was supposed to make him super euphoric, but I guess the results vary god to god," he added with a laugh.
Poseidon leaned over Hades' shoulder, eyes alight with curiosity. "What's a margarita?"
Dionysus slapped his hand on the counter, snapped his fingers, and pointed at Poseidon.
"I'm glad you asked. See, I've been trying to push all kinds of drinks on my customers, but everyone's sticking to the usual nectar, ambrosia, ale or wine. A margarita is a cocktail, Uncle," he gleefully explained.
Poseidon arched a brow. "Cocktail? Sounds… lascivious."
Dionysus threw his head back and laughed. "A couple of glasses will certainly have you feeling hot and bothered if you're the type to want to get it on once you have booze in your system. But a cocktail is nothing as dirty and kinky as you're probably thinking, Uncle P. It's just a drink mortals in the 20th and 21st centuries enjoy drinking. And there's more!"
He snapped his fingers, and two colourful drink menus appeared on the counter.
Poseidon pulled a menu toward him, browsed through it, and asked questions about any drink that caught his eye. As Dionysus launched into a long-winded explanation of everything he had in stock, Hades glanced around the bar.
Zeus had now been joined on stage by Medusa and her sisters: Stheno and Euralye. The infamous Gorgon sisters had enthusiastically taken on the role of his backup singers and dancers. Much like Zeus, they were not especially gifted singers. Euralye's voice was especially grating. The rest of the audience flinched and shrieked whenever Medusa jokingly reached for her head wrap, causing the Gorgon sisters to double over in laughter.
"You haven't touched your wine. Is it not to your taste?" Poseidon asked, sipping from a drink that had a tiny umbrella in it.
"Try this instead. It's called Sex on the Beach," Dionysus said, sliding a cocktail glass toward him. "It's my personal favourite is Sex with the Bartender. Quite a few of my customers have expressed interest in having both a taste of the cocktail and the bartender himself," he winked.
Hades let out a bemused huff of laughter. "Are all your cocktails inappropriately name?"
"The humans are a rand bunch just like us. A sexless life would make for a miserable existence, don't you think?" Dionysus replied.
"Here! Here!" Poseidon agreed, raising his goblet as it to make a toast. "I'll have this Sex on the Beach you speak of." He turned to face the stage while Dionysus prepared his drink, a wide smile breaking across his ruddy face. "Is that Medusa? I'll be right back, Hades."
In three long strides, he was across the bar, his voice carrying over the music as he spoke, loud enough for the entire bar to hear.
"Medusa, sweetheart, long time no see!" He opened his arms wide, as if going in for a hug.
Medusa stopped dancing and hopped off the stage. Without uttering a single warning, she braced her hands on Poseidon's shoulders and kneed him in the groin.
A collective groan rose from all the males in the bar as they watched Poseidon hobble out after her.
Shaking his head, Hades took a sip of his cocktail. It was too sweet for his taste, but he figured Persephone would enjoy it. He considered asking Dionysus for the recipe, but his nephew was busy arguing with a patron.
Hades wandered around the bar, rolling his eyes when he passed the gambling table and caught Hermes sneakily switching out his cards. When he noticed Hades watching, Hermes gave a quick wink and went right back to fleecing his opponents.
A chalkboard pinned to one of the walls caught Hades' eye.
THERAPYBETTINGPOOL was scrawled across the top in huge letters, followed by a table of names and a series of numbers.
It took him a moment to realize what he was looking at. The names listed were those of the clients he'd seen so far and the numbers were betting odds.
"Neat, isn't it? I'd ask you to place your bets, but you've got inside info, so…" Dionysus said, coming to stand beside him.
"What the hell is this? Please tell me you slipped me a hallucinogen or something, because I know damn well you're not running betting ring involving my clinic and clients."
Dionysus slung an arm around Hades' shoulder. "Unfortunately, you're stone-cold sober despite my best efforts, Uncle. And no, I'm not running a betting ring involving your clients. But Hermes and Loki are."
Hades grit his teeth. "And what exactly are they betting on?" he ground out.
"On whether or not this therapy shit will work and which of your clients will actually show progress. As you can see, Zeus is the underdog. No one believes for a second that Father will ever stop cheating on Hera."
"Who says he's coming to therapy for his infidelity?" Hades asked.
Dionysus scoffed. "Please. We all know Hera is the one forcing him to see you. Hey, here's an idea why don't you secretly use hypnotherapy on him to stop him from fucking anything that moves? I'll place my bets on Zeus, and you and I can split the winnings. With the odds stacked against him, we're sure to pull in a fortune."
"I've got all the fortune I need, thank you very much. And you're gods; if you're going to gamble, the stakes should be something worthwhile. Not a useless pile of gold." Hades shook Dionysus' hand off. He was mildly irritated by the betting pool, but there wasn't really anything he could do about it—unless, of course, one of his clients came to complain.
"Aw, come on—"
Whatever Dionysus was about to say was cut off by shrill screams from some of the patrons.
An altercation was unfolding at the entrance, and Dionysus rushed off to handle it. The source of the commotion was Loki. The frost giant was trying to bring a shrunken-down hydra into the bar with him.
Hades' cocktail went down the wrong pipe.
Although the hydra was now the size of a large horse, it was no less vicious; its heads kept hissing and snapping at Loki, Dionysus, and anyone who got too close. Hades glanced at the stage to see if Zeus would step in, things could get really messy if that hydra grew to its original size and rampaged in earnest.
The lord of thunder was nowhere to be found.
"I should have just stayed home," Hades muttered, walking over to help Dionysus.
"Why do you have that with you?" he demanded of Loki.
"That one challenged me to tame this unruly beast, and I am not going anywhere until he holds up his end of the bargain," Loki declared, teeth clenched.
Hades rolled his eyes when he saw that it was Hermes Loki was pointing at.
"Ugh, I should have known. Wait outside with that thing, and I'll bring Hermes to you," Dionysus said, glaring at Loki before stalking toward the gambling table.
He was only a few feet away when Enyo suddenly stood up, grabbed her chair, and smashed it over Hermes' head.
Cries of surprise rang out. Heracles quickly whisked Hebe away from the table as Enyo seized Hermes by the collar, lifting him until his feet dangled off the ground.
"Admit it, twinkle toes you're cheating!" Eris growled, baring her teeth.
"Prove it," Hermes said smugly clearly the wrong thing to say.
Enyo's temper ignited. She tossed him clear across the room, sending him crashing into the display of beverages behind Dionysus' bar.
All hell broke loose. Fights erupted throughout the bar. Furniture flew, drinks were looted, and those not brawling were cheering the others on.
Hades was nearly ploughed over as the hydra barrelled into the bar, Loki riding atop it like a deranged cowboy.
He debated stepping in to stop the chaos and then decided against it when he saw Heracles gleefully brawling with the Minotaur, holding a flagon in one hand and throwing punches with the other.
This, Hades decided, was not his problem to deal with. It was time to call it a night.
Outside the sea churned, waves rising higher and higher, threatening to crash against the mountain. All that water was enough to flood the bar, and possibly sweep it away.
The source of the sea's tumultuous behaviour stood on the beach arguing. Or rather, Medusa was arguing whereas Poseidon was on his knees, arms wrapped around her legs and begging incomprehensibly while she berated him. Medusa tried to kick him off and walk away but Poseidon refused to let go.
Unleashing a frustrated roar, Medusa pulled off her head wrap. Within seconds, Poseidon turned to stone while on his knees, arms raised in a pleading gesture. Medusa stormed back toward the bar, passing Hades, who immediately averted his gaze.
Her petrification effects weren't permanent on gods, but Poseidon would stay that way for at least five hours.
"Keep that damn pervert away from me," Medusa hissed as she walked by.
"And this is why I never go out," Hades sighed, walking away from the madness.
He debated leaving Poseidon out there to learn his lesson. All that talk about choosing wisely and he went for one of the Gorgons, of all people. Taking pit on his little brother, Hades dragged Poseidon home with him and left him in the palace foyer, placing him among the other sculptures decorating the wide, open space.
When he got to the bedroom, Persephone was already passed out, snoring in time with Cerberus. She smelled like a winery with another astringent, chemical scent clinging to her. Hades gently rolled her over so she wasn't hogging most of the bed, then curled himself around her and drifted off to sleep.