Ch. 17: Aidyn
A wave of Noelle's emotions hurls towards Aidyn through their bond. He attempts to make a shield with the emotions on his side, but to no avail.
He expects the wave to feel like anger when it hits.
It doesn't.
Only the barest layer of fury exists on the surface before it drenches him in a deep, heavy, and wild sorrow.
The force of the wave slamming into his soul painfully knocks him out of The Library and back into full awareness in their hospital room. In his bed, Aidyn gasps. He tugs at his chest with one hand and cradles his pounding head with the other.
Healers and guards rush to his bedside.
Aidyn grabs Robyn's arm. "Please, check her. Make sure she isn't Overloading!"
"You are the one on the edge of an Overload, Your Highness!" the specialist says, examining him with urgency. "You need to be more careful with your magic use!"
It wasn't his magic that did this. It was Noelle's.
Aidyn groans, biting back a scream as the pressure in his head pulses.
"What happened?" Jonnsonn demands.
"It was my fault," Aidyn says through gritted teeth.
There's no way he's saying more, not when he can't think clearly. Not when the wrong words could make everyone blame Noelle.
It's not all her fault. He accidentally said the wrong thing again and it must have forced her to relive more painful data. But how is he supposed to know what Recall will or won't pull up for her? This isn't entirely her fault, but it's not entirely his fault either.
Noelle starts sobbing in the bed next to him. Robyn must have pulled her out of The Library.
"Check her!" Aidyn shouts again.
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Ch. 18: Noelle
Noelle's stomach rolls as she's yanked out her hiding spot in The Library and re-enters full awareness in the hospital room. She keeps crying, ignoring the prodding magic examining her bonds and internal stores of magic.
She doesn't want to be here.
Here, outside of her mental construct, there are no systems in place to quiet her sobs.
Here, in the physical realm, her cries echo off the mostly blank walls and stark tile floors.
Here, she can't disappear in the blink of an eye.
Noelle registers Aidyn gasping for breath in the bed next to her. She tries to shut him out, tries to bury her face beneath blankets and pillows, but he is too close.
"Check her!" she hears him shout.
"We have, Your Highness. Her magic is within normal levels. Noelle is okay."
She is not okay.
Too many sets of hands reach for her, and she flinches away. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
She screams it.
It comes out raw and bitter and desperate.
"Is that really what you want, Noelle?" Aidyn calls out to her. "Because if it is, that's what I'll do. I'll leave you alone." His voice carries a rawness of his own. "But that wave told a different story. That wave felt full of sorrow and loneliness to me!"
She shouldn't have hurled that at him. Now, not only is he hurting because of her, but he has also seen and felt too many of her own feelings. Unfortunately, she can't change that now.
There's so much she can't change.
"IT HURTS," she shouts, curling in on herself.
"Loneliness?" he asks, with a voice so soft, so tender, so genuinely concerned, she can hardly bear it.
"LOVING." Noelle flings the word out into the open space between their beds like an insult. "IT ALL TURNS TO GRIEF IN THE END!"
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Ch. 19: Aidyn
Noelle's words ring in Aidyn's ears as she curls into a tight ball on her bed.
IT ALL TURNS TO GRIEF IN THE END.
He catches Jonnsonn's eye and signals him and the rest of the guards to retreat back into the hallway.
Aidyn ignores his healers for now, knowing they won't leave the room even if he demands it. The pain is fading, but he is still too near the edge of Overload. But as long as he doesn't encounter any more unexpected bursts of magic today, he will be fine.
Noelle, on the other hand, is not fine.
IT ALL TURNS TO GRIEF IN THE END.
What can he do for her in this moment? What can he do for a mage who carries the accumulating weight of undiluted pain? For his friend who he trusts with his life? For the woman he admires and cares about more than he ever expected?
IT ALL TURNS TO GRIEF IN THE END.
In her emotional landscape, Aidyn senses the layers and layers of pain accompanying that single statement. The fact that Noelle is even capable of summing up all of it into a single sentence suggests she's carried it for a long time.
How is anyone supposed to cope with something like this?
Noelle said before that all she can do is make space for pain. She can't get rid of it. She can't make it disappear. She can only make space.
Aidyn isn't sure how to help Noelle, but he trusts her. She's been through so much and survived. She's reformed multiple broken bonds, as well as rebuilt her life after so much of it fell apart. If she believes making space for pain is the best option, Aidyn is willing to try it. And the first step for making space for something is to turn towards it.
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Ch. 20: Noelle
Noelle registers the rustle of bedding and approaching footsteps but she keeps her eyes squeezed shut. It doesn't matter. Even without her Registration Systems she knows its Aidyn situating himself on the floor next to her. She smells mint and lemon.
Noelle cringes, waiting for him to say something like, "It doesn't all turn to grief!" or "It will be different this time!" or "You just have to believe and focus on the positives!" or something else just as infuriatingly dismissive.
But Aidyn doesn't say anything.
Instead, he just sits on the ground next to her bed and lets her feel miserable and afraid and sad. He doesn't try to fix it. He doesn't try to change it. He doesn't try to explain it away or convince her things aren't as awful as they feel to her.
A part of her is relieved and grateful.
Another part of her wishes he would do or say something so she could stay angry, because it hurts so much less to feel angry than it does to feel his kindness collide with her grief.
It takes a long while for Noelle to cry herself out. During that whole time, Aidyn doesn't leave her side. When she finally runs out of tears, she opens her eyes and asks him a whispered question. "May I talk to you as my team leader again for a minute?"
He remains on the floor but nods and straightens his posture.
"I don't know how to do this," Noelle whispers. Her throat feels scratchy and dry. "I don't know how to have a Love Bond again. I didn't like it last time, and even though ours feels… different… I can't stop Recalling how it was then. I don't know what to do."
"That makes sense," Aidyn says quietly. "What do I always tell the five of you when we come across an obstacle or issue of some kind?"
"That we will take it one step at a time. Together."
"Exactly. That can be our plan too."
Noelle sniffles. "What's the next step?"
Aidyn props his elbow up on the side of her bed and leans his head against his arm. "Well, since we've already decided to be Love Bonded as friends, I think a good next step is to define what that actually means for us. How does that sound?"
Noelle nods her approval but lets him keep talking. He's the leader right now, so he can lead the conversation.
"To me," Aidyn continues, "friendship means talking openly about what we feel and think. I might spend a lot of time in your mind, but I'm not a Mind Reader. I don't like having to guess what you're feeling all the time. That's still hard, even with our new bond."
He pauses, and Noelle senses a wall of hesitance emerge in his emotional landscape. After a few moments, he pushes through it.
"I'm also starting to feel like I shouldn't speak up about certain things at all," he continues, "in case I say something wrong and you get upset, resulting in you hating me, or running away, or pushing me away. I don't want to tip-toe around you."
Noelle winces. "I don't hate you. But you're right, I panicked and ran instead of saying anything. You said something that hit on painful things, but it's not your fault that those things hurt. I lashed out and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry."
He nods an acceptance of her apology.
"I promise," he tells her, "I'm not trying to hurt you. I've got your back. I am your friend. I need you to suspend your disbelief and not only Recall me saying this, but also trust me when you do."
Noelle sighs but nods.
"And I need you to remember," she counters, "that if you say something and I respond unexpectedly, it's probably tied more to my Memorizer Brain than it is to you. There's a lot going on between me and my data, and it can make certain things difficult."
"Will you try to let me know when that's happening?"
"Yes."
"Okay," Aidyn nods. "So to summarize, I'm going to trust that you don't hate me, and you are going to trust that I'm not trying to hurt you, and both of us will try to communicate more. Does that sound like a good plan?"
Feeling much less overwhelmed, Noelle releases a long breath and nods in agreement.
Aidyn extends one of his pinky fingers to her. "Pinky promise?"
"What are we, five?" she says with a snort, although she can't help but smile.
He shrugs, but the sparkles are back in his eyes. "Everyone knows Pinky Promises are the most sacred oath of friendship. I don't make the rules, I just follow them."
Aidyn makes plenty of rules—he's a prince for realm's sake—but she understands the sentiment.
Noelle smiles and extends her own pinky, linking it with Aidyn's. "In that case, there are some things I need to tell you about Collan and I, and about what happened when he died."