Whoosh
The sound of the wind whistling through made the girl's and Archer's hair flutter gracefully in the breeze.
Right in front of her was a layout exactly like a typical church, except Jesus on the cross was placed right in the middle of the hall.
Who knows why they did that? Maybe they wanted the sheep to see that all their sins had been taken by Jesus, so they should feel guilty and grateful for his sacrifice.
...But looking more closely, something felt off. Why did Jesus look... way more jacked than usual? And that chin was so square, like a total gigachad. Did this guy once use that chin to block a Korean's sharp chin or something?
"Very cliché, and yet very original," Archer said softly.
"The atmosphere here is so sacred! Do you feel that steam coming from somewhere? The smell is weird but I'm sure it's related to the miracles they always talk about!" the girl said excitedly. Even though she wasn't religious, she looked exactly like a devoted believer.
"...Uh, I don't think it's sacred or anything... Look over there, Master."
Both she and Archer turned their heads.
"Huff... Huff..."
"That's right! Lift it up! Put those muscles into it!"
"Got it!!"
A pink-haired femboy (no need to say more, everyone knows who that it) was working out with his gym bro.
Yeah, that steam was just their sweat. No mistake.
"Huff! 500 reps done! Reward me!"
"Omereto! Let's go then!"
The two went into the men's changing room and closed the door.
A moment later the door opened. The femboy came out wiping his mouth and burping, while his gym bro was drenched in sweat.
"..."
Both the girl and Archer stayed silent. Best not to look or remember anything.
At one of the pews, a priest was sitting there praying.
"Look at him! I knew he was the serious, devout type!" the girl pointed at the priest and said.
"..." Archer raised an eyebrow suspiciously but said nothing.
The two approached, intending to greet the priest.
...The priest was playing Pokémon, using Arceus to solo a Bidoof.
And Bidoof one-shot Arceus. Fainted.
"...maybe the real god is Bidoof. I should pray to him today. Oh dear Bidooooo—"
The priest turned his head and saw the girl and her Servant staring at him.
"..."
"..."
The three stayed silent for a long moment until the priest broke it.
"Ahem! Pokémon is a great game. Just because the later versions are hot garbage doesn't mean I won't play them. You got a problem with that?"
"Bidoof should stay an HM slave forever—" someone nearby said.
"Stfu! You better watch your MOUTH before you say something about SLAVERY! That's a banned word and I don't want the church getting canceled and torn down!"
"But I'm just telling the truth—"
"Then receive my mercy." The priest kissed his cross and hurled it straight into the guy's face.
"AHEM AHEM AHEM! Alright, who are you two?" The priest smiled.
"A-Ah! I'm Lily, Master of Archer. Nice to meet you!"
"Oh! A Holy Grail War participant. My name is Judas. Judas Jutus. You can call me Juju."
"Jojo?"
"No, Juju."
"Jujutsu?"
"Never mind, just call me Judas."
Judas sat down, pulled out a table, and poured some tea.
"So... what brings you here? Need to recover your body or replenish Command Seals? You look fine and you still have all your Command Seals." Judas took a sip of tea.
"Um... I want to entrust this to you. Please keep it somewhere very safe." She handed the priest a DVD disc.
"...What is this?"
"It's from my colleague. He died before the Holy Grail War even started. I wanted to leave it in the place he trusted most."
Judas looked at the title on the disc.
Otome dori
"...I'll keep it safe. I'll even give it a resting place better than my grandpa's urn."
"Really? That's great!"
'Yeah, or I could just destroy it. Consider it a good deed for your colleague,' Judas thought.
"If you have nothing else, you can leave. Or do you want to stay and listen to me talk about the history of Jesus and the previous priests of this church?" Judas smiled, but the subtext was clearly "get out."
Archer also noticed the priest's intention and started to pull his Master away.
Unfortunately, she was quite naive.
"Really? You don't mind telling me?"
"..." Judas twitched at the corner of his mouth, looking at the girl's innocent expression.
Shit, I don't even follow the religion. I barely know Jesus's story, and all the previous priests here were fictional characters anyway!
'Whatever, just tell her something, Master. Humor her.'
No way out.
"Lily, what is human life?"
'The heck? Starting with philosophical shit already?'
'Shut up and let me bullshit!'
"Um... Human life is priceless?"
"Correct, but you're also wrong because it's not comprehensive enough."
"Huh?"
"Human life is indeed priceless, but suppose you had to save one of two people — an ordinary person or your own family member — who would you save first?"
"Uh... Well..."
"You'd save your family first, right?"
"..."
"It's okay. Human life is priceless, therefore... we are the ones who decide its value. Do you understand?"
'Damn, that's actually deep? Where'd you learn this?'
"Next, I'll prove this through the story of Jesus, specifically the part where he was betrayed."
"Once upon a time..."
...
At the meeting place of Jesus and his disciples.
The disciples sat in dead silence. No one wanted to speak.
"Nothing to say?"
A dignified, gentle voice rang out.
The disciples tried to look at the saint they would follow until the end of their lives.
Ripped muscles, sharp square jawline, double eyelids with pupils like the sky, thick seductive lips.
This... was the Son of God, the one, the most perfect man...
"Hurry up, I still have to go drinking with Buddha. He texted me saying he'll be ready soon." Jesus checked his watch, then looked at the disciples.
"..."
"Okay okay, no one talking? Then WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"
Jesus slammed the table, dropping something down.
It was a Lamborghini car key.
"Some rat... used money to buy a car without telling me. Do you all not respect me anymore?"
Suddenly a hand raised, drawing everyone's attention.
"Judas, what do you want to say?"
"Lord..." The silver-haired man trembled.
"I... I... I...!"
"Speak faster or I'm taking the car and driving to India right now."
"ROME IS HERE!!!"
Bang!
A gunshot rang out, passing right over Peter's head.
"HOLY HELL!!"
"RUNNN!!"
"Oh my god! Peter!!" Judas panicked, looking at Peter Parker who was now dead (Huh?)
More bullets flew in, but Jesus caught them with his bare hands.
"Run Judas, we don't have time. Get the fuck out of here."
"C-Can't you bring him back?!"
"Dude, he's so dead. Like dead dead. How the fuck am I supposed to bring him back with a HOLE in his HEAD?! It's not leprosy! Let's go!"
Jesus grabbed Judas by the collar and ran outside.
The two ran all the way to a distant beach.
Judas collapsed while Jesus breathed heavily.
"J-Jesus..."
"FUCK!"
Jesus covered his face, then looked up at the sky.
"We're so fucked, Judas. The Romans and that Nero are here already. How? I disguised myself as Charlie from Florida, made a YouTube channel called Penguinz, and posted all kinds of stuff online. My fake identity was perfect... How did they still find me?!"
"I invited them to dinner, but instead of me, they killed everyone else?! Everything is so FUCKED!"
Then Jesus's eyes became incredibly sharp.
"There's a rat who betrayed me."
"Ahaha... haha..." Judas kept sweating.
In Judas's ear was a tiny hidden communicator.
"...No mistake, this was a setup! Some bastard betrayed me!"
"T-There's no way that's true."
"Why are you so sure?"
"...Faith?"
"Motherfucker, you're using my own word to defend that bullshit reason?! FUCK FAITH!"
Jesus looked toward the distant sun.
"We have to leave. I'll have to change my name to Asmon and live with cockroaches. Sounds bad but there's no other way."
[Judas, we need solid information. Ask him directly. Your money is waiting.]
Judas swallowed.
"So... Mr. Jesus."
"What?"
"Are you sure... you're the one?"
Jesus turned to look at Judas.
"You're doubting my identity, Judas?"
"No no! But... you can't bring the dead back, so I was a bit... you know?"
"Son, listen to every word I say clearly."
Jesus pointed straight at the sky.
"I AM THE SON OF GOD!"
"I WAS SENT DOWN BY MY FATHER!"
"TO LEAD THE FLOCK TO PARADISE!"
"TO ATONE FOR THE SINS OF ADAM AND EVE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN!"
"I AM ONE WITH THE FATHER AND OF THE LINEAGE OF ABRAHAM!"
"I WILL BRING A NEW AGE, AND A NEW COVENANT WILL BE MY LEGACY!"
"I WILL DESTROY ALL EVIL IN THE NAME OF MY FATHER!"
"Amen."
Whoa, I feel like that speech would go viral in the Ultrakill community.
"C-Can you say that again? Just to be sure?"
"No."
"W-Why not?!"
"I'm not in the mood to repeat the whole thing. Record it yourself if you want."
"B-But... huh?"
Something felt wrong...
"What? You figured it out?"
"J-Jesus, how did you know?!"
"Judas, oh Judas." Jesus approached him, eyes sharp.
"You didn't turn off the speaker on your communicator."
"Oh..." Judas quickly turned off the external speaker.
"Done?"
"Yes."
"Okay... CONFESS!!!!" Jesus grabbed him by the collar.
"AGHH!!"
"YOU! YOU DARED TO BUY A LAMBORGHINI WITH MONEY AND EVEN LET YOUR FELLOW DISCIPLES DIE! YOU THINK THEIR LIVES ARE WORTH LESS THAN A CAR?!"
"AHHH!!"
"YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO SCREAM?! NOT ONLY DID YOU NOT INVITE ME TO BUY THE CAR, YOU BETRAYED THE BROTHERHOOD! NO WONDER EVERYONE ELSE HAS MUSCLES WHILE YOU LOOK LIKE A TOOTHPICK — YOU'RE THE RAT!"
Jesus looked at Judas with ice-cold eyes.
"Receive the holiness of the Messiah."
"What?"
Wupow!
A punch slammed straight into Judas's face.
"MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!!"
"MUDADA!"
The final punch hit his stomach, sending Judas flying into a tree, head first.
Whoosh whoosh whoosh
The sound of a helicopter approached. Jesus looked up and saw a familiar silhouette.
It was the Romans! They formed a human helicopter with their bodies! (How?!)
Standing on it, Nero was posing arrogantly, her white panties even brighter than Illya's hair.
"The feds! What are you doing here?" Jesus asked, confused.
"Umu! I knew you'd ask that!"
It's not your turn to have screen time yet. Please move aside.
"What do you mean? I came all this way for a cameo and you treat me like this?"
Nero, you're an important character later. Appearing too early isn't good.
"Umu... Fine, consider yourself lucky, Jesus!"
Then Nero and the Roman human-helicopter flew away.
"...Who was she talking to?" Jesus muttered in confusion.
"I'm sorry, Mary... But I'm about to kill this son of a bitch!"
Jesus saw Judas pointing a pistol at him.
"Pull the trigger, Judas."
"..."
"Pull the damn trigger, and this will be your last—"
BANG!
The bullet hit Jesus's rock-solid chest and flattened.
"...Ah."
"Brother, I already told you. It would be a miracle if I let you live, JUDASSSSS!!!"
Jesus grabbed Judas, wound up like a baseball pitcher, and threw him with all his strength.
Whoosh!
Judas flew straight toward the sun and disappeared.
"Go confess to my dad up there..."
Jesus then looked at the sea. Tears flowed from his eyes.
"I'm sorry... It was my fault."
Jesus then walked on the water, continuing until he gradually vanished.
...
"And that is the story of Jesus," the priest said with a smile.
"Wow! So you have the same name as Judas? Does that mean you'll betray someone too?"
"Haha, I won't betray anyone! I'm a good person!" The priest laughed cheerfully.
Seeing the two of them chatting and laughing so warmly, only Archer stood there with a completely stiff face.
What the heck kind of story was that??