His eyes traveled up and down, rereading his attribute runes over and over again.
Finally, with a tired sigh, he dismissed them.
'This... this is a lot more than what I was expecting, to be honest. Let's address the "easiest" and most straightforward of them.'
It appeared that [The Fool] was his personal, custom-made version of the [Fated] attribute.
"What the fuck, man! This is a freaking joke. First, I'm transported to this novel world with the risk of losing my ego, and now I'm going to be 'showered' in events by fate? What's even the meaning of 'growing into the world'? Does it refer to me embracing this cursed novel world? Or does it really mean growing into The World, like the whole purpose of the Fool's Journey?"
With a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands.
He stayed in this position for several minutes before another long sigh escaped his mouth, followed by a tired laugh.
"For fuck's sake... now I can understand why Nephis wants to destroy the Spell. It really has a twisted sense of humor," he said, before returning to his runes.
Now it was the moment of truth.
His [Usurper] and [Soul Companion] attributes luckily gave him a vague idea of his situation. It seemed that, for whatever reason he was in this predicament, his soul had been transported into the novel he was reading.
And he had come to possess the body of some Spell Carrier at just the right moment—when they entered their first nightmare. His soul had managed to overwhelm the original owner of this body, granting him the [Usurper] attribute.
Now there were two souls inhabiting the same body: his, and Zachary's.
"Is this the infamous transmigration I've read about?" A humorless laugh escaped his lips as he closed his eyes.
Now that he could make a clear distinction between himself and the original owner of the body, the dreadful sensation of losing his ego became less pronounced—yet it still lingered, lurking.
'I think this whole "Loss of Ego" is thanks to the [Soul Companion] attribute. I imagine it's trying to form an amalgam of both selves. If I hadn't stopped my train of thought at that moment, maybe I'd see myself as Zachary with memories of another self. But damn—even while establishing a clear distinction between us, my ego is still slowly being eroded by Zachary's. Is this the consequence of not remembering my name?'
He thought as he considered everything he knew about the world he was in—and his original one.
'Back when Sunny lost his True Name and crossed the Hollow Mountains, he still existed as Sunny. Now I'm not even able to acknowledge myself as someone,' he said with a sad smile.
This situation gave him an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. He had lived 23 years as himself... fair, it hadn't been long, but it was still his life. He had spent those years building himself—learning to be a son, a brother, a friend.
Making mistakes, learning from them... growing.
Becoming a part of society. Growing inside a world he had learned to accept—and in return, being accepted by it. His life had been mundane; he had been a mundane son. Sometimes, he fought with his parents over differences—like when he decided to study philosophy instead of what they thought would be best for him—but in the end, they accepted his decision with a faint smile.
He had been overworked at his part-time job, saving money to buy his family a nice meal when he got accepted into college.
He had stayed late helping his sister study for her exams, going over the same thing again and again, only for her to ask the same question a fiftieth time.
The sleepless nights he endured writing papers he initially thought were easy—only to realize, too late, why the professor had given such a long deadline.
This ordinary life of his was the reason he became who he was today.
Sure, he couldn't remember the names of the people who lived that life with him, but their presence was still there.
And now... he was supposed to let that life go. To merge with an alien guy.
The work of his whole life—becoming who he was—forsaken, just like that. All because the Spell deemed it the correct way. He was overwhelmed by a deep sense of sadness, hopelessness, and more than that... resignation.
But deeper, and more potent than the dread he felt at the beginning of it all, a new emotion began to rise.
Something far greater than anything he had ever felt. It was as if his ego blazed anew, reigniting with this rising emotion...
A maddening sense of fury.
"Like I give a shit!" he suddenly screamed, standing from the bed.
"I'm Myself," he proclaimed through gritted teeth.
"Yes, I might not remember my name, and there's nobody in this forsaken world who can even claim to know it. Yet I am the witness of my existence—I myself am the proof and executor of me being someone."
Something shone in his eyes.
A newfound sense of conviction began to flourish within him.
"Names are only worthy if there is someone who can claim them. My life has been nothing more than ordinary. I had ordinary parents, an ordinary sister, an ordinary academic life, and an ordinary social life. Yet... yet! It's still valuable. I still lived through every single second of that ordinary life with a smile. There might be no one who can claim to know me, but I know Myself! Why would I need someone to hold Myself together when I Myself am enough?"
In the absence of a name to hold his ego, he managed to do what was supposed to be impossible: hold himself together—firmer.
With a new sense of self.
'Myself' walked across the room and stood by the window.
"Yes, it is true that we cannot exist in The World by ourselves. After all, we need what others make of us to keep existing. We continue being ourselves by contemplating what we are through the eyes of others. That's how one forms oneself: through how one is perceived by the rest, one is able to build an ego. One isn't born into The World as a complete persona—we develop through our lives. Learning, failing, even imitating. We, as humans, are in constant change. That's why we depend on others to maintain our being."
"That's why humans are a social species. We exist in community to be able to develop and support ourselves. But I just need to support Myself. I just need to witness Myself, and I just need to exist as Myself. Who would dare say otherwise? This random Zachary? The guy who lost his body to an ordinary human? The Spell that dares me to lay down my life—my so-called pointless endeavor? Asking me to merge with this nobody?"
'Myself' could feel it—his sense of self was recovering its form. More than that, it was becoming deeper.
"No. I won't allow it. Myself will stand against anyone who dares attempt to hold sway over My righteous Self," he exclaimed, laughing sardonically.
"Even Nephis said this in the novel: 'If it's my will, who will dare to stop me?' So even if the heavens dare to stop me, I will rebel against the heavens. They're dead anyway."
'Myself' enounced with confidence before falling silent.
He made his way to the table and sat on the chair, contemplating.
"Whoa... who would have thought I had this energy inside me? But then again, I've never been subjected to such an extreme and demanding situation. And, haha... in this world, it is said that desire gave birth to the world. So me having the desire to keep existing as Myself might even be poetic, considering my unique situation."
'Myself' remained silent for a few seconds.
"I've established that I am Myself, and my sense of self is stronger—stronger even than before. So the risk of being assimilated has dropped drastically. But it hasn't become zero. As long as Zachary's soul keeps existing, and as long as I continue to have the [Soul Companion] attribute, I will always be in danger of losing Myself," he concluded.
"What to do, what to do?"
'Myself' pondered while looking around the room. The food had gone cold some time ago, but he wasn't even hungry.
"I'm still just an aspirant, so I don't have access to my soul sea."
Suddenly, an idea struck him.
"That's right! My soul! I might not be able to enter my soul sea yet, but I think I've sensed my soul before. If this turns out to be correct, it must have been that ethereal pain I felt at the beginning of this whole cursed situation."
'Myself' quickly recalled the events surrounding the blinding pain.
"It must have been my soul usurping this body. I can attribute that pain to either me entering a new and unfamiliar body, or to the clash of souls within the body. Either way—if I'm able to pinpoint the location of my soul by discerning where the pain came from—I might be able to feel the shape of the second soul this body possesses."
He spoke with newfound excitement as he stood from the table.
"If this proves to be correct, I can even make use of the [Soul Companion] attribute to determine the boundaries of the second soul."
'Myself' continued, walking toward the bed.
"I mean, it's at most an empty bet—but it's better than living with the constant danger of losing control," he murmured while sitting cross-legged.
He closed his eyes and began regulating his breathing, attempting to empty his mind. He remembered exploring meditation while studying some of the Asian philosophies.
Western people like him often misunderstood what meditation was. Most thought it was about concentrating hard—but it was quite the opposite. It revolved around emptying one's mind, getting rid of every single thought. In this way, one could deepen their connection with the present.
That's why one's breathing is the most important thing: you can't inhale a past breath, nor can you breathe a future inhalation. You must exist in the present. That's also why you must empty your mind—most of our thoughts are plagued by past resentments and future longings.
'Dude, I need to empty my mind and here I am, explaining to myself what I already know. Focus!'
'Myself' urged himself to keep quiet and emptied his mind. From time to time, noises came through the window and seized his attention, but he always returned to the stillness of his mind.
He remained in that state for a couple of hours, keeping control of his breathing—the only thing that exists in the present—and slowly, he began to recall the pain his soul had felt. Through that memory, he was able to sense something else.
Something that no normal existence should be able to perceive on their own.
And yet, by being this so-called unique existence with two souls, he was able to feel the form of his.
Feeling something, 'Myself' opened his eyes.
But what he found was not his room.