CHAPTER 16- Things we never got to say
The school day had ended, but Lillian lingered at her desk, absentmindedly tapping her pen against a stack of papers. She hadn't planned on going to the youth program that day. It wasn't really her scene, and frankly, she didn't feel like dealing with the crowd, the singing, or the endless conversations that came with it.
Then her phone buzzed.
It was Emmanuel.
"Hey, are you going to the youth program today?"
Lillian frowned as she read the message. She had assumed he wouldn't be coming either. Her first instinct was to ignore it, go home, and enjoy the quiet of her apartment. But the thought of Emmanuel being there, walking around the hall and probably charming everyone as usual, made her chest tighten.
"I wasn't planning to," she typed.
His reply came almost immediately.
"Come with me then. I'll be there. Don't make me attend alone."
Her lips curved into a small smile before she could stop herself.
She stared at the screen for a few seconds, debating whether to say no. She had already made up her mind to go home, but somehow Emmanuel had a way of changing her plans without even trying.
"Fine. I'll come."
Half an hour later, she stood in front of her mirror, adjusting her hair and smoothing out the creases on her blouse. She changed her earrings twice before settling on a simple pair, sprayed on a little perfume, and looked at herself one last time.
She wasn't trying to impress him.
At least, that was what she kept telling herself.
By the time she arrived at the diocesan hall, the program had already started. Soft music floated through the speakers while different conversations blended into one another. The hall was filled with familiar faces, laughter, and the usual energy that came whenever the youth gathered.
Emmanuel was standing near the front. He looked relaxed as he spoke with a few people, but the moment he saw her, a smile spread across his face.
"There you are," he said.
"I almost didn't come," Lillian replied as she walked over.
"I'm glad you did."
Those four words warmed her heart more than they should have.
They found a quiet spot and talked while the program continued around them. The conversation flowed easily, jumping from work to church activities and then to random stories that made them laugh.
Just as Emmanuel was about to say
something else, his phone buzzed.
He glanced at the screen and the smile on his face faded ever so slightly.
"I'll be right back," he said.
Without waiting for a response, he walked towards one of the side partitions and answered the call.
Lillian watched him from where she stood. His expression had changed. He wasn't smiling anymore, and the way he rubbed the back of his neck told her something wasn't right.
"You noticed too."
The voice came from beside her.
She turned and found Levi leaning casually against one of the pillars with his hands tucked into his pockets.
"So, you actually came," he said with a faint smile.
"I didn't plan to."
"I know."
His eyes drifted briefly towards Emmanuel before returning to her.
"He asked you to come, didn't he?"
Lillian looked away.
"What makes you think that?"
Levi chuckled.
"Because I've never seen you at any youth program before."
She folded her arms across her chest.
"Maybe I just felt like coming today."
"Maybe."
The corner of his lips lifted.
"Or maybe some people have more influence over you than you're willing to admit."
"I didn't have a choice," she said, trying to sound convincing.
Levi raised an eyebrow.
"You always say that."
She frowned.
"What does that mean?"
"It means you keep telling yourself you don't have a choice, when really you've already made one."
Lillian looked at him in annoyance.
"And you always think you've figured everyone out."
"I don't."
He shrugged.
"But I can usually tell when someone is pretending."
She opened her mouth to argue, then stopped herself.
There was something about the way Levi looked at people. It was almost unsettling, as though he saw things they tried so hard to hide.
Her eyes wandered towards the partition where Emmanuel had disappeared.
She hoped everything was okay.
She kept looking towards the partition, hoping Emmanuel would return soon.
"I need some air," she murmured, more to herself than to Levi.
Without waiting for a response, she turned and walked out into the quiet corridor beside the hall. The noise from the program became faint, replaced by the cool evening breeze and the distant sound of people talking outside.
She rested her hands on the railing and let out a slow breath.
For a moment, the silence was comforting.
"You look like you're running from something."
She froze.
She hadn't realized Levi had followed her until he spoke.
She sighed without turning around.
"Or someone," she muttered.
Levi came to stand beside her, leaving enough space between them.
"Or yourself," he said quietly.
She turned to look at him, already irritated.
"Don't start."
He shrugged.
"Who said I was starting anything?"
"You always do."
"I only say what I see."
Lillian laughed dryly.
"Well, don't. I'm really not in the mood."
Levi studied her for a few seconds.
"You've been carrying something around for a while now."
She looked away.
"You don't know anything about me."
"Maybe not."
His voice remained calm.
"But I know that smile you've been wearing all evening isn't real."
That was enough.
Something inside her cracked.
She wrapped her arms around herself and shook her head.
"I'm tired, Levi."
Not the kind of tired that sleep could fix.
The words escaped before she could stop them.
"I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. Tired of acting like everything will eventually make sense."
Her voice became quieter.
"Sometimes I wish God had given me the freedom not to exist."
Levi's expression changed immediately.
"Lillian..."
"No. Let me finish."
She swallowed hard.
"Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning and wish you could just disappear? To feel like life keeps taking from you, and no matter how hard you try, nothing ever changes?"
Her eyes filled with tears.
"I work. I struggle. I pray. I keep hoping."
She laughed bitterly.
"And somehow I'm still stuck."
She wiped at her eyes before the tears could fall.
"Women suffer."
Her voice trembled.
"The poor suffer."
She looked at him.
"And I'm both."
"What kind of life is that?"
For a long moment, Levi said nothing.
He simply looked at her.
Not with pity.
Not with judgment.
Just understanding.
Then he spoke.
"You think you're the only one who's hurting?"
She frowned.
"I didn't say that."
"No."
He nodded slowly.
"But that's how pain works. It convinces us we're carrying it alone."
He looked away for a brief moment before continuing.
"Women suffer. I won't argue with you about that."
His voice was quieter now.
"But men suffer too."
"We just learn to hide it better."
Lillian watched him carefully.
There was no sarcasm in his voice anymore.
No teasing.
Only honesty.
"We're expected to be strong all the time," he continued.
"To provide. To endure. To stay silent."
He gave a small, humourless smile.
"And when we're breaking inside, nobody notices."
His eyes met hers again.
"Sometimes it feels like a thousand needles are pressing against your skin."
He paused.
"But because you're a man, you're expected to stand there and pretend it doesn't hurt."
Lillian had never seen him like this before.
The confidence was still there.
But beneath it was someone carrying his own scars.
She looked down.
"I'm sorry."
Levi shook his head.
"You don't have to apologise."
Another silence settled between them.
This one felt different.
Lighter.
As if they had both put down a little of what they had been carrying.
Levi rested his forearms on the railing and looked ahead.
"You know," he said after a while, "life has a strange way of making us believe that the chapter we're in is the whole story."
Lillian remained silent.
"I won't stand here and tell you that everything gets better overnight, because sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes life stays hard for longer than we think it should."
He turned to look at her.
"But that doesn't mean it will always be this way."
She gave a faint, humourless laugh.
"You sound like everyone else."
"Maybe."
He smiled slightly.
"But I'm saying it because I believe it."
Lillian looked at him, searching his face.
"And what if nothing changes?"
Levi took a slow breath.
"Then you keep living anyway."
She frowned.
"That's easy for you to say."
"No, it isn't."
His voice was firm this time.
"I've had days when I questioned everything too."
She stared at him.
"I've had nights when sleep refused to come because my mind wouldn't stop fighting me."
His eyes dropped briefly before meeting hers again.
"But every morning I got another chance."
He paused.
"So did you."
Lillian looked away.
"I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this."
"You don't have to know."
He stepped a little closer.
"You just have to make it through today."
She swallowed hard.
"What if I don't want tomorrow?"
Levi's expression softened.
"Then sleep."
She looked at him in confusion.
"Sleep gives you tomorrow."
His voice was almost a whisper now.
"Death doesn't."
The words settled heavily between them.
Lillian felt her throat tighten.
She hadn't expected him to understand.
She certainly hadn't expected him to answer without trying to preach or dismiss what she was feeling.
He looked at her for a long moment.
"You keep asking what your purpose is."
She nodded slowly.
"The truth is..."
He shrugged.
"None of us really knows."
"Maybe your purpose isn't something big."
"Maybe one day you'll encourage someone about to give up."
"Maybe you'll write something that changes someone's life."
"Maybe you'll raise a child who changes the world."
"Maybe you'll simply love people in ways they never forget."
He smiled.
"You don't get to know that now."
"But if you give up today..."
"...you'll never find out."
Lillian felt tears sting her eyes again.
This time, she didn't wipe them away.
Levi reached out instinctively.
His fingers brushed against hers.
Neither of them moved.
The corridor had become strangely quiet.
The sounds from inside the hall seemed far away.
For the first time that evening, neither of them had anything to say.
They simply stood there.
His eyes searched hers.
Slowly, almost without thinking, they drifted to her lips.
Lillian noticed.
Her heart skipped.
She looked back into his eyes, then, against her better judgment, her gaze dropped to his lips too.
The air between them suddenly felt different.
Warmer.
He stepped closer.
Not enough to touch her.
Just enough that she could hear his breathing.
"Levi..." she whispered.
She wasn't sure if she was asking him to stop or hoping he wouldn't.
He swallowed.
"Lillian."
Neither of them moved.
It felt as though time itself had paused.
Then footsteps echoed from the hallway.
Both of them looked up at the same time.
Emmanuel.
Lillian quickly stepped back, her heart pounding against her chest.
Guilt washed over her so suddenly that she could barely meet his eyes.
Levi also took a step back, clearing his throat as he slipped his hands into his pockets.
For a brief moment, no one spoke.
Emmanuel's eyes moved from Lillian to Levi.
His expression didn't change, but there was a question in his eyes.
"You two okay?" he asked.
Lillian forced a small smile.
"Yeah."
Her voice sounded far less convincing than she intended.
Levi gave a short nod.
"We were just talking."
Emmanuel looked at them for another second before nodding.
"Alright."
He didn't ask another question.
But something told Lillian he had noticed more than either of them wanted him to.
As they walked back into the hall, she couldn't shake the feeling that something had shifted.
She had come because of Emmanuel.
Yet somehow, it was Levi's words that lingered in her heart.
And that frightened her more than she was willing to admit.