Dear Diary,
On this dreary stage, I find myself locked at a crossroads. My choices are bigger than myself and yet I find myself unable to choose anything other than the worst option. And so I have delayed the final decision as far as I can.
Or something.
Maybe I'm just being mellow dramatic. In any case, it would be prudent to get all the facts straight and explain how I found myself here.
And so I hereby declare that court is now in session.
Pax, you may now speak.
Right, thanks, me... Where do I begin?
So much has happened lately.
I'm sick of all of it.
I'm tired of thinking all the time. So I'd like to end things here today once and for all.
Historically speaking, there is no limit to how bad of a mistake we can make. In the past, we would actively make mistakes to keep away that numb feeling from consuming us. Such a habit has long gone out of fashion, so today I'd like to propose a better solution to the numbness currently gnawing at us.
Right, how about you make things even more vague for the audience? Preferably they should just think that we're completely insane. That way, you can be both sincere and not and refuse any accountability for your actions.
Fuck, you got me. Of course Adam, the genius, would see through me--
Just get on with it.
Fine, how about I set the mood: Every day my body becomes slightly less human and I feel slightly more numb. Is there a limit to how many times I can heal my bones and tissues? Que suspense!
...
How about I just start from the beginning since Pax still seems to be fond of keeping his head up his ass?
After I healed my hand and slept for a while, Count Telantra gave Raya and me a magic tool called a cognition shroud. It's a necklace-looking thing that stops people from recognizing who we were before we put it on. So now we are pretending to be apprentices at Count Telantra's castle.
We should be safe unless Raya fully unleashes Ryuzu's Fang. Apparently Kael Drogo would know if that ever happened and would be able to locate us.
Raya immediately got to work after that. She's been working, studying, and talking to various important people. Naturally, I've been forced to put in just as much effort.
--Right, and since Adam intelligently decided that our main form of magic should include self-mutilation as its foundation, things have never been more enjoyable.
Shut up, you agreed to that too. Anyways, we've been studying and training almost constantly for over a year now.
Raya says that the two of us need to get strong enough to kill Kael Drogo.
I was all like "alright that's totally doable!"
But apparently he is literally the strongest person in all of Artenia. Stronger than Charlotte, who defeated me last time with me completely unable to do a thing.
Clearly the world is playing a cruel joke on me.
But worst of all…
The immediate and urgent problem...
The problem that necessitated this unfunny court session...
sigh
I think Raya is in love with me.
Honestly, I've known for a while that Raya has some feelings for me. I would say that it's strange for a 13-year-old to have feelings for a 10-year-old, but I'm not really one to talk.
Okay, I'm technically 25, but the oldest I've ever been is 15. I should just wait until she's 18, right? Wait wouldn't that be grooming then? What's grooming again? Am I a pedophile? Is she a pedophile? What's the rules on this? Will I be going to jail if this gets out? Will society persecute me? Actually, society will never know so it should be fine, right?
Who even designed this situation?
That guy must be the one who's fucked in the head.
--Stop deflecting. Between what is right and what is wrong, there is the obvious correct choice: You should stop being involved with Raya.
Unfortunately, both you and I have to acknowledge the fact that, on top of being completely emotionally reliant on her, we seem to care about her quite a bit. Sorting out the nature of these feelings is important, but for now we should just set it aside.
We need to accept the fact that we are a ten-year-old with the memories of a fifteen-year-old and move forward.
Right, debating the morally gray area that we find ourselves in would be unproductive. Instead, we should focus on how fundamentally fucked up we are and how getting into a closer relationship with Raya will absolutely cause us to drag her down into the abyss.
Yes, in the first place we do not deserve something like happiness. Deceiving Raya into falling in love with the individual known as "Adam Witherton" is the kind of thing only an evil person would do.
Didn't you already accept that you were a horrible person though?
Shut up.
She will only get hurt if we continue. She doesn't even know the truth about me or what she would be getting into.
In truth, the person she is falling in love with is a lie.
Probably.
Everything I've just said could just be sophistry. I don't know my own feelings. I'm just so confused all the time.
I don't want to be lonely anymore.
But I'm scared that if I open up to anyone they would be as disgusted at myself as I am.
Not that I could ever put my thoughts into spoken words with any coherence.
All I see is a truck coming full speed towards me. It's honking to tell me to get off the road, but I'm just a stupid deer frozen in the headlights.
I feel myself getting more attracted to her every day. I've already latched onto her emotionally as the last thing between myself and suicide, but…
I want to be more than just [Lust]
In that case you should just not have sex with her. It would be fine then, right?
Lust is not something so simple. Lust is using a romantic relationship for your own selfishness.
Lust, the sin, is the perversion of love.
Congrats, you solved the problem!
You just proved that a romantic relationship is fine, as long as you don't cross the line! Yippee!
No, I still don't trust myself though. What if, at the crucial moment, I take advantage of her?
Kill yourself.
Oh... yeah, that works.
...
Why does she even like me anyways?
Is she insane?
That delusional bitch doesn't even know what she's getting into.
How stupid can you be to like someone like me?
Hold on…
Maybe I'm the delusional one… Does she even like me?
This is important, so let's go over the evidence.
Exhibit A. Sunday January 3rd, at 7 pm:
Raya approaches the defendant as he was relaxing in the courtyard and staring into space. She hands him some cookies to which he respond with a polite "Thank you, what's the occasion?" She blushes for a moment and then says that she happened to pass by a shop on her way back home, so she bought some and she happened to have extra, and she thought that they were good, so she gave them to me to try, but that I shouldn't get any strange ideas, and that she was wondering what I thought about them. Raya said all that hurriedly and blushed a little bit at the end, but really she might have just been tired or something, it's unknown. The defendant nods and eats one, thinking that the cookie was pretty good. He tells her that and she seems happy, but then says, "I'm glad, but don't get any strange ideas or anything!" then awkwardly runs away.
…
Could mean anything really. Not enough evidence here to say anything for sure. She literally did say to not get any strange ideas from that two times during the conversation.
Right, moving on…
Exhibit B. Friday December 22nd, 4 pm:
Raya asks the defendant to help her get a present for Count Telantra for the new year. The defendant didn't really like the guy but thought that since he was protecting them it wouldn't hurt for the guy to develop some fatherly instincts for Raya. So the defendant agrees to Raya's request and then they set out. The first thing the defendant notices along the walk is that Raya is more dressed up than usual. Her hair is combed and sleek, contrary to the simple ponytail she normally wore. The defendant compliments her hair to test her reaction, and notes that she blushed and said thank you. Throughout the night he also noticed that she seemed to laugh at all his jokes and was initiating physical contact with him. Even after getting the gift for the annoying Count, she still took him to other stores and forced him to give opinions on certain dresses she tried on.
…
Could mean anything really. I mean she was just excited–
Okay dumbass, I think that's enough.
What!?
How much more obvious can it be? She's literally throwing herself at you. I'm begging you to accept what you're looking at. I mean you literally started this entire conversation off with "Honestly I've known for a while that Raya has some feelings for me" and proceeded to talk as if Raya's infatuation with you was a given. At this point, you're just procrastinating by running in circles.
But… No, you're right. I'm not the oblivious protagonist of some shonen slop. The real question is what I should do.
Ask her out and there is a 100% chance she says yes.
Then why am I still scared? Why is this so hard for me? Why does being happy feel so wrong?
…Dawg I have no idea. I'm literally you. Just do it. Figure that stuff out after you're together.
...
Okay.
Huh? That's it? You decided then?
Well, I guess...
Alright, just don't chicken out later. Court is adjourned or something.
No, actually, can someone kindly kill me so that I don't have to go through this?
Stop joking around.
Fine, here goes nothing…