I was being choked.
Pressure mounted on my throat, so intense it made me feel like throwing up. The air was slowly growing thin as her grip tightened. She had made numerous attempts on me before, but this time it was different. Slowly, it felt like I was dying—that the suffering wouldn't stop no matter what I did. She sat on me quietly, a wide smile etched onto her face as if it had been carved there long ago. My hands moved to weaken her grip, but as I tried to resist, her hold only grew stiffer. Her hair fell all around my face, covering me in darkness with nowhere to look. I kicked my legs against the strain of being choked, but it was all in vain.
"Stop, please stop. I beg you."
"Now you feel like it."
She stared at me with blank eyes and smiled drastically. In the past, I had always imagined her outlined in chalk. But this time, her face was more than visible to me. It felt like she was alive again, standing right there.
"But it's already too late. For my birth, you have to die."
"No, no, wait. I can do it. We can figure it out. We can live... together."
Everything spilled out of my mouth in a desperate breath. Her face tangled with conflicting thoughts. Loosening her grip, she let me breathe.
*Cough* *Cough*
She sat on me with her hands hanging loose. Looking down at my chest, she didn't speak. I rubbed my throat with my hands, trying to feel some air getting in. I looked up at her with saddened eyes.
"I am doing this all for you."
She turned around and walked away from me. I tried to stand up, but my body felt heavy. Gathering what strength I had left to get up, I called out to her, but she didn't listen.
"Stop... stop, listen to me."
I walked up to her, stepping in front of her, and hugged her deeply—showing all of myself. This was the first time I was showing my weak side to myself. Up until now, I had always tried to run away from who I was, but this time was different.
"Everything would have been fine if this wasn't here."
She pulled away from me and cried out in a screeching voice. Pointing a finger at my chest, she yelled.
"If you were still me, nothing would have happened! We could have lived like we used to, played like we used to! Nobody would have said or asked anything if you weren't like this!"
She yelled at me. And she should. Wasn't this something I had always told myself? The only way to fix everything now was through this. Where should I even start? If I think about it carefully, it was something that had always been attached to me.
[13 years ago]
"Hey, guys, look, look!"
[All the girls in the classroom gathered around a table. Curious, they were all trying to see what was going on and why they had been summoned there. One of the girls started screaming.]
"Oh God, how hot is he?"
"Yeah, I like him too."
"I just wish he would grab me in those big hands of his."
"You just read my mind!"
When life transitions from childhood to adolescence, things change completely. People start looking at each other with different, non-naïve eyes. They begin to harbor strange thoughts about one another—some innocent, while others are disgusting. Developing a mindset that can destroy you is what starts building up during that phase. Something like that had happened back then.
"Hey, what are you watching?"
I sneaked up to the bench after climbing past one or two girls, all crowding around like they were trying to grab something. Pushing past them, I made my way to the girl in the center. It was my best friend.
"Elli, what is that?"
I looked at the magazine in Elli's hands. It was a male model photoshoot magazine. In it, boys were posing in various positions while looking away from the camera. Some had beards, while others were clean-shaven. Wearing only underwear, their bodies—thick or muscular—were fully exposed. In some of the poses where they wore jeans, their upper bodies were clearly visible with their underwear showing slightly. Their abs were defined in every shot.
"What is so special about it?"
All the girls' eyes turned to me. They looked at me with strange expressions on their faces. I took the magazine from Elli's hands, flipping through the other pages to find something unique, but there was nothing.
"Seriously, what is even special about this?"
Elli snatched the magazine back from me, giving me a snobbish look.
"Sam, don't you feel anything when you see something like this?"
At her question, everyone immediately jumped on me. They were all curious—or rather, weirded out—by my reaction.
"Yeah, Sam, don't you like boys?"
"Don't you like it when they show off their big biceps or those sleek abs?"
"Yeah, I wish I could find a guy like that. Someone who can choke me in his arms."
"Oh, that's my dream too!"
Now I was starting to feel weirded out. Their expressions, the way they were all talking—it was something we had never discussed before. There was a time when we talked about simply liking or loving someone, but right now, it was nowhere close to that. Their talk leaned far more toward the lustful side.
"It's not that. I was just saying…"
"What? Is there something else you wanted to add?"
"Do you like something else instead of arms?"
They kept pushing the questions, expecting an extraordinary answer from me. Their eyes were shining with a strange sense of expectation. I looked at them and thought for a minute: What to say? What to say? What to say?
Thankfully, I was saved.
"Elli, look! Your boyfriend's here!"
"How are you doing, Elli?"
"You're here! How come?"
Elli ran to him the instant she heard his voice. Looking overjoyed with a big smile on her face, she rushed up to him and hugged him tightly.
"Why did you come? I would have come to you anyway."
"Why? Can't I come to meet my own girlfriend personally?"
He took his hand out of his pocket and pulled something out, wearing a devious smile. He grabbed Elli by the arm, pulling her closer to him. He looked at her while placing it in her hand.
"Look what I got for you."
"A new lipstick! Oh, thank you so much!"
Elli was overjoyed after getting the new lipstick from him. As she admired the color for a long moment, he gently grabbed her face and tilted it up to look at him.
"Apply it whenever you want."
She was blushing deeply. Elli looked at him, smiling, while he stared into her eyes.
"Well, let's meet after school then. I'll wait for you at the gate."
She nodded in agreement. After he left, every girl in the class crowded around Elli. It was as if she were a celebrity to them. They all started bombarding her with questions.
"You're so cool, Elli!"
"Hey, tell us, tell us! Have you two done it?"
"Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!"
They all shouted at Elli. She didn't know what to say or do in a situation like that. Turning around, she ran away at full speed. Leaving everyone behind, the crowd started chasing after her. It was a chaotic scene.
In that moment, I felt a heat inside me—a spark of desire, something I realized I wanted, too.
Resting my head on the table while sitting at my desk, I looked around, but no one was in the classroom. Remembering that moment over and over, I couldn't help but wonder what it was. Why did I feel like blushing so much? After that moment, all I could think about was that I wanted something like that, too. But how? I didn't have any clue.
From the moment we reached this age, where feelings toward the opposite sex shifted, things changed drastically for me—and not just for me, but for everyone around me. Elli got a boyfriend as soon as we entered adolescence. The boy she was with was two years older than her, not only that, he was handsome, mature, and understood things well.
Elli even started putting on makeup to impress him. When school ended, they would walk around somewhere. I had never thought about having a boyfriend or having a different relationship with a boy, but after seeing them together like that, I wanted someone in my life, too. The playful way they acted, the time they enjoyed together—it all seemed great.
I went out to fill my water bottle. Lost in thought, I let the bottle overflow. When I turned to stop the water, the bottle's cap slipped from my hand. Before I could process it, someone picked the cap up off the ground and handed it to me.
"Ah, thanks."
"No problem, here you go."
He was about to walk away when I remembered who he was.
"Wait, you're Oliver, right?"
"Yes. Do you need something?"
Oliver was the smartest boy in our grade. Not only that, but he was also good at running and handsome. I paused for a moment. Should I ask him? Would he like to be my boyfriend? Would he like to try out a relationship with me? But in the next second, all my motivation evaporated.
"No, it's nothing."
I remembered that he was an academic star. He loved to study—there was no way he would waste his time with me. On top of that, he was quite famous across all our sections. If he got a girlfriend, it would cause a massive stir in all the classes.
He was about to turn away, but then he stopped and turned back to face me, looking straight into my eyes without hesitation. I was startled. That was when he spoke.
"i wanted to ask this beforehand to you. Would you like to be my girlfriend?"
After that moment, nothing went right. The romantic life I envisioned was about to turn into a disaster I couldn't have even imagined. I still wonder, if I had said no, would everything have been okay, or would I have suffered anyway?
"Hey, look at this one. No, this one!"
"Yes, you were right, he's way hotter than that one."
[Two girls were conversing over the magazine, picking which model was hotter than the other. Samayra arrived at their table, and they asked her.]
"Sam, tell us which one is better. Is it the right one or the left one?"
Sam sighed as she placed her bag on the bench.
"I told you, there's no difference between them."
They both looked at Sam with annoyed eyes as she sat down.
"Okay then, tell us: what kind of guys do you like?"
"What are you even saying, Emily? Don't you know she doesn't get vibes from boys?"
"Oh, really? That means she'll never have a boyfriend."
They both laughed at me while I tied my hair. I wished I could tell them, but I thought it might be better to keep it hidden. Or so I thought.
"Hey, Sam."
A boy remarkably handsome for their age walked into the classroom. Both girls gasped when they saw him. He slowly approached me while the two girls watched us with wide, stunned expressions.
Gently grabbing my hand, he looked at me.
"Let's go."
I nodded. Both girls watched us with their mouths agape. It was quite a spectacular scene.
After that day, rumors spread everywhere. Everyone soon knew that we were dating. Well, it was fine by me. I wasn't planning on hiding it from anyone anyway.
"Hey, look, that's Sam."
"She's dating Oliver."
Everyone's expressions were strange. For a moment, I didn't understand—had they never seen a couple before? We ate lunch together, played together during PE, and he helped me study. We started spending a lot of time together in the library. I liked him in every way; it felt like something straight out of a book for me. Getting a guy who was intelligent, helped with studies, was athletic, and knew a lot about music.
"Look at this: cos x + tan x = … What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing. Just watching you."
I stared at him blankly while he tried to solve the math problem, but he couldn't seem to get it. I smiled at him, grabbing his hand and leading him behind the bookshelves. For a moment, he didn't understand, but then he smirked.
"I guess it's time now."
"Yes, it is indeed."
He moved his hand toward my head and slowly tucked my hair behind my ear. As he leaned in closer, I reached into my pocket and pulled something out.
"Tada! How about this?"
"Movie tickets?"
"Yes! I prepared a great date for us this Sunday."
He looked at the tickets with a disgruntled look. I had been so happy planning it.
"Okay then, let's go. And yeah, don't forget Elli and the others invited us to a party this evening."
He let out a deep sigh and nodded. I walked away while he glared at me with narrowed eyes. I didn't understand why, but he clearly wasn't happy with my response. In that moment, I couldn't figure it out—if I had, things wouldn't have escalated so far.
"Pass the fries."
"Here's our Coke, everyone."
We were eating at Subway together with the group. Things felt different now. At first, whenever I went out with my friends, Elli, her boyfriend, and his friends, it felt like a complete ordeal for me. They were all cuddling and having romantic conversations while I just enjoyed my fries. It wasn't that I hated spending time with them, but it really bothered me whenever they asked me that one question.
"Sam, why don't you try dating someone?"
With a mouth full of fries, I would look at them with a blank gaze.
"I dwwaann... caeee aboooot..."
"It's okay, you can swallow your food first."
After finishing my food, I looked back at them, this time speaking clearly.
"I don't know if it would work out."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't have a clue what to do in a relationship."
Elli's boyfriend just looked at me and laughed softly.
"You don't need to overthink it. Just get into a relationship, and slowly you'll both understand each other over time. Things will work out naturally."
"Are you sure?"
"Just look at us," he said, pulling Elli close.
Elli smiled at his words. This was something they were both proud of—even though there was a two-year age gap, they were happy together. Seeing them like that always made me want to have something similar in my life.
"Hey, everyone!"
"Hello."
"Who is he?"
They both looked at Oliver with confused expressions, not understanding what was happening. Before they could make assumptions, I decided to break the ice.
"Everyone, this is my boyfriend, Oliver."
"Hello, everyone."
They greeted him with smiles. I knew it was unexpected for everyone except for two people—and that was when they arrived.
"Hey, Sam."
"Oh, hi."
Elli and her boyfriend walked up to us and sat down. There was another girl with them, looking down at her phone.
"Everyone, this is my friend Emily. She'll be hanging out with us from now on."
Everyone greeted her, but she didn't look up at anyone. Still using her phone, she came over and sat next to me. It didn't bother me.
Elli's boyfriend continued speaking, "So, you finally got a partner, Samayra."
"It's nice meeting you. My name is Oliver."
"Wait a minute... what is this smell?"
Suddenly, Emily spoke up. Sniffing around to find the source, she turned toward me. Finding me beside her, she leaned in and sniffed near my neck. Giving me a mischievous look, she smirked.
"Hey, I'm Emily."
"Uh, hello."
I didn't know what to say in that moment, so I just greeted her normally.
"I didn't know someone like you was sitting right next to me."
I didn't fully understand what she meant, but the look in her eyes conveyed something else entirely. Cutting off our conversation, Elli's boyfriend drew everyone's attention back to him.
"Hey, everyone, I've ordered for us. The food's on me!"
"Thanks! Thanks a lot!"
We ate, but Emily kept staring at me. It made me incredibly uncomfortable. The whole party felt strange.
After everything was over, we all walked toward home. I turned to Elli.
"What do you mean you're not coming home right now?"
"I told you, I'll be late. Just tell my mom you didn't see me today."
"Okay... but Elli—"
Oliver stepped between us, stopping me from convincing her.
"Let them enjoy themselves. We should head home."
"But—"
He looked me dead in the eyes, and for some reason, I gave in and said yes.
Leaving Elli and her boyfriend behind, Oliver and I started walking. Neither of us said a word. I kept my eyes fixed on the ground while he stared up at the night sky.
"What do you think they stopped for?"
"What?"
At first, I didn't understand his question. But then it clicked.
"You mean Elli? I don't know."
"I think they went to do it."
I didn't understand what he was driving at, but soon the reality of his words hit me.
"Well... no, that can't be true," I said, letting out a nervous laugh.
He continued, "I wonder how it feels to do it."
For some reason, I started feeling deeply uncomfortable with every word he said. I accelerated my pace, walking a little faster than him. As I tried to pass him and walk ahead, he grabbed my wrist.
Slamming me up against the wall, holding both of my hands behind my back, he stared at me with a stone-cold face.
"What are you doing?!"
"You understand everything, yet you keep playing dumb."
"That was a bad joke, Oliver. Now stop it. Let's go."
I tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let me go, pinning me against the wall once more. He looked straight into my eyes.
"Well, when are you going to stop pretending and do what I want for a change? How long do I have to wait around?"
I just stood there, completely blank, as he moved his hand around my waist. His hand slid across my waist and slipped down to my jeans. Grabbing my hips tightly, he slowly rested his head against my chest, moving his hands across my back. In that position, he looked up at me for a moment.
"You should learn a thing or two from your friend," he said in a cold, grieving tone while staring into my eyes.
I tried to suppress my tears, clenching my hands into tight fists.
"But I'm a gentleman," he added, keeping his eyes shut with a smile.
"I won't do it until you want to. Just tell me when you're ready."
His look sent a chill straight down my spine. His words echoed endlessly in my mind.
From the next day onward, the routine continued. He never brought up that topic explicitly again, but he exploited me every chance he got. Coming up to me out of nowhere, kissing me forcibly, sliding his tongue into my mouth—he never mentioned sex directly again, but he never stopped taking advantage of my body either.
I just stood there feeling sick and creeped out, completely unsure of what to do in a situation like that. I took every indignity that came my way without saying a single word. He constantly approached me out of nowhere, touching me inappropriately. It was the most horrific time of my life. Every day became a living nightmare, dominated by one terrifying thought: What if he demands sex one day?
That fear became reality three months later.
"Let's do it."
"What?"
"Yeah. It's been a long time since we started dating."
"But... I don't want to."
He gently moved his hand around my neck and smiled. I looked at him with pure terror in my eyes.
"Just do as I say."
"But—but you told me you would wait until I wanted to do it!"
"Oh, yeah... I lied about that."
His words struck absolute dread into me. My eyes trembled. I didn't know what to do or say—my mind went completely blank.
"Get ready tomorrow. We're going somewhere. I've planned everything."
What is going to happen? What is he going to do to me?
I panicked through the entire rest of the school day. After classes ended, everyone walked out except for me. The janitor was about to lock the doors when he spotted me sitting alone.
"Hey kid, aren't you leaving?"
I didn't hear him properly. I just sat there, taking heavy, ragged breaths. He walked up to me, trying to say something, and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, are you okay?"
The touch made me panic even more. His hand raised a violent surge of fear in me. I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the classroom. That day, I didn't go home, nor did I go to my friend's place. I just ran and ran, not knowing where I was going.
In the end, I found myself sitting by the lake, watching the sunset. It might have looked like a romantic scene to anyone else, but not to me. I sat there wondering what to do about everything, my mind going blank as I tried to process a way out.
"What should I do?" I cried out, terrified. It felt like it was all my fault, yet I didn't understand what I could possibly do to fix it.
"Hey, girl."
I turned around and saw someone standing a short distance away. She walked up to me, her face coming into focus through my tear-filled eyes.
"You are..."
"Emily."
I remembered—she was the girl who had come to the party with Elli's boyfriend.
"Stressed about something?"
I grabbed onto her with all my strength and sobbed. I didn't know what to say or how to explain it, but I needed to let everything out.
[In a quiet area, Oliver booked a motel room and walked out. He went over to a nearby store to buy some snacks. A guy in a hoodie approached him.]
"You're Oliver, right?"
"Yes. Who are you?"
"I'm..."
"...and that was how everything went," I finished explaining.
"So everything is that fucked up?" Emily asked.
"Tell me... do you really like him?"
"What?"
I stared at her in confusion, my thoughts spinning in circles. Of course I had to like him—that's why I was dating him, right?
"Yes. He's my boyfriend, after all."
"I'm not asking about Oliver," Emily said softly.
"I'm asking... do you really like boys?"
"What?"
*Kiss*
"What are you doing?!"
She kissed me right after asking. For a moment I froze in shock, but then I pushed her back in anger.
"Do you not like it?"
"No! Girls shouldn't be like this!"
"Are you sure?"
My mind raced, trying to comprehend what she was saying while bouncing over the overwhelming reality that she had just kissed me. She stepped closer and kissed me again. This time, I wasn't sure whether to pull away or not.
"Think about it, Sam. Boys are all the same—they use you and then abuse you. They don't care about our feelings; they just want our bodies, and that's all. And look at yourself—you're too beautiful to be handed over to him."
Her words pierced through me. Unable to process what to say, I pulled her close and kissed her back. My eyes lost themselves in hers as she returned the kiss. We were so lost in the moment that I forgot everything around us. It was a quiet pleasure and a profound reassurance for me.
[ "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
"Just say it!"
"Okay! I'll never see her again! Please, leave me alone!"
Trembling on the ground, gasping in terror, the boy was beaten mercilessly. His face was swollen and covered in wounds. Saliva dripped from his mouth as he struggled to speak.
"Keep your promise, kid."
The man turned and walked away into the shadows.]
That was the end of my nightmare. For some reason, Oliver stopped approaching me from the next day onward—he actively avoided me. A few weeks later, rumors of our breakup started circulating. Everyone came up to me to offer condolences.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine."
"Uh, yeah..."
I put on a sad face for the outside world, but inside, I was overjoyed. After that, Emily and I started dating. We were so happy together. We roamed around the city, kissed whenever we wanted, and everything was going great.
"Hey, Elli, I want to tell you something."
"Later, I'm busy right now."
"Just listen for a second—"
"I don't want to!"
"Okay, I'm just telling you: what happened was—"
"I told you I don't want to hear it!"
I tried to tell her everything, but she refused to listen. Elli had never acted like this toward me before, so why was she being like this now? If I remembered correctly, I hadn't seen her with her boyfriend for quite a few months. I wondered if everything was okay between them.
In the distance, Elli whispered something under her breath, but I couldn't hear it clearly.
'How could he do this?'
In the evening, I went to meet Emily at the park. She was sitting on a bench. I walked up to her.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Mmm-hmm."
She didn't say anything out loud. Emily was sitting with her arms spread wide. As I looked at her, I noticed she was chewing on something. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to find out.
"What are you eating?" I asked.
"Just a candy."
"What flavor is it?"
"You want to find out?"
She slid closer to me and kissed me. The kiss was so passionate that we completely forgot about our surroundings. People passing by glared and made disgusted faces, but we paid them no mind. We kept kissing until she transferred the candy into my mouth.
"So, how do you like it?"
I didn't say anything. I just blushed, completely enchanted and happy. But I had no idea that this moment was about to lead to the biggest nightmare of my life.
*Whip*
*Whip*
Struggling to scream in the middle of the night, I couldn't understand what had gone wrong or where I had made a mistake.
"Will you ever do it again?!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I will never do it again!"
My skin felt like it was crawling with insects. My arms and legs grew numb with every blow. My fair skin turned raw and red as the belt slammed down onto me. Deep red slashes covered my calves, thighs, and arms.
"AAAHHHHH!"
My mother watched from a distance as my father tore into me with rage. He had found out everything about me and Emily and was beating me ruthlessly. My head throbbed with pain, and I had no energy left to speak. He stopped for a second and glared down at me.
"Will you ever do that again?!"
"..."
"Oh, you ask for it!"
Because I stayed silent, my father grew even more furious. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed something out of a container. His hands trembled as he stood over me.
"It would have been better if you had died!"
*Rub*
"AAAAAHHHHHHH!"
He rubbed raw red chili powder into my open wounds. The burning sensation was agonizing. I screamed with everything I had as the fire consumed my skin. My body trembled uncontrollably, and my eyes burned. I cried and cried and cried until my voice completely gave out.
For a moment, I thought I was dead—or that it might have been better if I had died.