"This whole situation is just completely, entirely weird."
Peter Parker sat heavily in the plush armchair of the hotel lounge, rubbing his temples. The itinerary for his Puerto Rican field trip had completely derailed into sheer absurdity. On his first day, he had miraculously resolved a cosmic, reality-warping crisis involving a living Cosmic Cube and a time-traveling warlord. The next day, he went on an actual, pulse-pounding date with Gwen Stacy. In the afternoon, they attended a classified U.S. military tech exhibition—which, predictably, was just a massive honey-trap designed to make nerds drool over unavailable high-tech gear.
And now, today, he was supposed to go on a date with Cindy Moon.
[YOU WENT ON A DATE WITH A FEMALE YESTERDAY AND KISSED HER MULTIPLE TIMES,] the Venom symbiote rumbled in his mind, its deep voice dripping with alien amusement. [TODAY, YOU ARE GOING ON A DATE WITH A RIVAL FEMALE, AND YOU ARE PANICKING. HONESTLY, PETER, YOUR MORAL COMPASS IS FAR TOO HIGH. I GUARANTEE THAT FLAMEBOY WOULD JUGGLE THIS SCENARIO WITH ABSOLUTE EASE.]
The distinct advantage of being bonded to an alien symbiote was that Peter was never, ever bored. The distinct disadvantage was that Venom's internal commentary was starting to sound exactly like a cynical, highly observant roommate.
If I feel awkward about it, it just means I have a functioning conscience, Peter shot back mentally. This is going to be a disaster.
[IT IS A REAL SHAME,] Venom mused. [IF YOU WERE FRENCH, OR IF WE HAD JUST TRAVELED BACK IN TIME THREE HUNDRED YEARS, THIS PROBLEM LIKELY WOULD NOT EXIST.]
Shut up, Peter groaned silently. Seriously, this is all too weird. Do you think I actually have to make a choice right now? No... the real problem is—
Peter's Spider-Sense gave a faint, familiar thrum. He stopped his internal argument, turned around, and stood up.
Cindy Moon was walking toward him.
Peter blinked, slightly taken aback. She was wearing a beautiful, white off-the-shoulder evening gown that flowed elegantly around her legs. She had paired it with a set of sleek high heels, boosting her height until she was looking him almost directly in the eyes. She wore very little makeup—either by choice, or because her hands had been shaking too much to apply eyeliner.
Cindy stopped a few feet away, nervously brushing a lock of dark hair behind her ear.
"Um... I'm sorry, Peter," she stammered, looking down at her shoes. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. Can... can we leave now?"
Peter just nodded blankly, completely mesmerized.
[WOW,] Venom drawled in his head. [LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE CANNOT MAKE UP HIS MIND RIGHT NOW.]
It became abundantly clear the second they left the hotel that Cindy and Gwen had completely different approaches to dating. Or, to put it more bluntly: Cindy had absolutely no idea how to date.
That sudden, aggressive challenge she had thrown at Gwen yesterday? That was pure, impulsive adrenaline. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, Cindy was left dealing with crippling anxiety and insecurity.
She had no itinerary. She stammered out a suggestion to go see a movie, but when Peter asked what she wanted to watch, she realized she didn't know a single film currently playing in theaters.
"It's okay. Just relax, Cindy," Peter said gently, giving her a reassuring smile as they walked down the street. "Just think of it as... two friends out having fun. Take a breath."
Peter looked around, noticing a few tourists casting curious glances at Cindy's formal evening gown in the middle of the morning. He slipped out of his light jacket and gently draped it over her bare shoulders.
Cindy paused, touching the lapel of the coat. "Thank you." Then, realizing the implication, she looked at him with a puzzled expression. "But... I'm not cold, Peter. My body temperature is—"
"I know we don't really get cold anymore," Peter chuckled softly. "But it's November. Even in Puerto Rico, wearing a formal gown at ten in the morning draws a few stares. The jacket just helps us blend in so we don't look too suspicious."
"Oh. Right. No, you're right... I'm sorry," Cindy muttered, her cheeks flushing red.
Peter mentally kicked himself. I'm the one who should be apologizing, he thought. I'm the idiot who didn't plan an itinerary the second she kissed me in the first place.
[YOU SHOULD BE GLAD THAT ONLY TWO CAPABLE FEMALES ARE CURRENTLY VYING FOR YOUR ATTENTION,] Venom chimed in unhelpfully. [THERE IS NO DOUBT YOUR APEX GENETICS WILL ATTRACT MANY MORE IN THE FUTURE.]
Peter swore this was the first time he had ever so desperately wanted to forcibly evict the alien from his bloodstream.
He let out a quiet sigh and placed a comforting hand on Cindy's shoulder. "It's okay. Like I said, we're just hanging out. Is there anywhere you've always wanted to go? Anything you want to try?"
Cindy looked up, chewing on her bottom lip. "An amusement park?" she asked tentatively. When Peter didn't immediately object, she continued, her eyes brightening a little. "Maybe... a roller coaster? I used to be absolutely terrified of them when I was a kid. I never dared to ride one. But now..."
Peter grinned. "Well, I'm pretty sure the agent known as Silk isn't afraid of roller coasters anymore. Let's go."
An hour later, the safety harness clicked open, and Cindy stepped off the massive steel coaster. She clung to Peter's arm, staring blankly at the exit ramp.
Peter gently shook her shoulder. "Hey. You okay?"
Cindy looked around, a profound sense of disillusionment washing over her. "Is that... is it over?"
She felt absolutely nothing. No thrill, no rush of adrenaline, no terror. When you spent your evenings free-falling from skyscrapers and dodging high-yield explosives, a mechanical cart doing a loop-de-loop at sixty miles per hour felt like riding a tricycle in a driveway. The drop towers and pirate ships were equally boring.
To make matters worse, Cindy felt like she had completely ruined the mood.
"I'm so sorry," Cindy whispered, her voice cracking as they walked through the park. "I really messed this up. I'm so sorry, Peter."
"No! No, it's totally okay!" Peter said quickly, waving his hands. "Actually, I have no idea how to go on a date either. If I did, I probably would have planned something way better than this."
Peter tried his best to comfort her. Yesterday, Peter had apologized a handful of times, but today, Cindy was practically turning into "Miss Sorry," apologizing for every single breath she took. He could see the tears welling up in her dark eyes.
"The most important thing about going out is just having fun, right?" Peter smiled warmly, bumping his shoulder against hers. "And I'm having a great time just being with you. If the rides are a bust... we still have the whole afternoon! We can go to the Arecibo Observatory. We can look at the exhibits, or just sit and read together. And then there's the evening! We're practically on the equator, so we can stargaze and see constellations that aren't even visible in New York..."
Cindy didn't say a word. She just stopped walking, wrapped her arms tightly around Peter's waist, and buried her face into his chest.
Peter smiled helplessly, his arms awkwardly hovering for a second before he gently hugged her back, resting his chin on top of her head.
For a fleeting, intense moment, Cindy considered looking up and asking Peter to kiss her. But the memory of how awkward she had been all morning rushed back, and she simply couldn't bring herself to say the words.
She slowly let go of him, taking a step back. She tidied her long dark hair, offering him a shy, slightly embarrassed smile.
"Shall we... go get something to eat?" she asked softly.
"Absolutely," Peter beamed. "It's on me."
[SO,] Venom's voice echoed in the back of Peter's mind as they walked toward the food stalls. [HOW DO YOU PLAN TO ANSWER THE ULTIMATE QUESTION? WHICH FEMALE IS SUPERIOR?]
I have absolutely no answer, Peter admitted honestly to the alien. So I've decided to put my brain on a two-day vacation and not think about it at all.
[PERHAPS YOU COULD TRY SAYING, 'EVERYTHING IS FINE'?]
Peter completely ignored the symbiote. He had fully committed to his strategy of pure, unadulterated avoidance. Running away from your romantic problems might be shameful, but it was highly useful.
Three Days Later.
The day after Peter returned to New York from his wildly eventful trip to Puerto Rico, a monumental scientific event was taking place inside the Baxter Building.
It was Saturday morning. Reed Richards stood proudly in his laboratory, looking with profound satisfaction at the heavily modified Fantasticar. He tapped his comms earpiece, happily summoning the rest of his family.
"Sue, Johnny, Ben! Get down to the lab! This is a historic moment!" Reed announced, practically vibrating with excitement.
He climbed into the pilot's seat of the sleek hovercraft and began booting up the massive, circular gateway ring attached to the nose of the vehicle. "This is an epic scientific breakthrough! At least within our universe, this is the very first time humanity has successfully pierced the dimensional veil of the multiverse!"
"Alright!" Johnny Storm cheered, immediately vaulting into the passenger seat. "Does this mean I get to meet another handsome Johnny Storm?! Cool!"
"Or maybe," Ben Grimm grunted, squeezing his massive, rocky frame into the back seat, "you'll discover for the very first time just how incredibly annoying you actually are."
Susan Storm walked into the lab, her arms crossed over her uniform. "Reed, are the children settled in? Is it really safe for us to leave?"
"Oh, don't worry, please ask Doom," Reed waved a hand dismissively, calibrating the navigational console.
Susan stared at her husband, feeling a deep sense of absolute bewilderment. "Is it really a good idea to ask Victor Von Doom to babysit every single time we leave the building?"
"It's infinitely safer for the world if Victor is kept busy playing uncle," Reed reasoned with flawless, terrifying logic. "Alright, coordinates locked! Let's go visit the Baxter Building of Earth-2149!"
Reed enthusiastically slammed his hand down on the activation lever.
The multiverse shuttle hummed, glowing with a blinding, piercing white light. But unexpectedly, the machine did not open a stable doorway or a wormhole as Reed had designed.
Instead, a catastrophic spatial glitch occurred. The machine executed a direct, localized quantum swap.
In a flash of light, the Fantastic Four of Universe-616 completely vanished from the laboratory, instantaneously swapping places with their counterparts from the target dimension.
Standing in the center of the pristine Baxter Building lab were four decaying, horrifyingly mutilated figures. Their uniforms were shredded and stained with dried blood.
The zombified Mr. Fantastic of Earth-2149 slowly stretched his rotting, necrotic neck forward. His jaw hung loosely from its hinges, exposing a row of jagged, blood-stained teeth. He took a long, rattling sniff of the sterile laboratory air.
A horrifying, guttural smile stretched across the zombie's decaying face.
"I smell it..." Zombie Reed hissed, his milky white eyes widening. "The smell of fresh meat!"
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