The alarm goes off. Again. I open my eyes to my room. It looks the same but it feels smaller today. My room feels smaller my daily routines feel smaller. My choices feel smaller. I get out of bed. The morning sunlight coming through the blinds does not even wake me up. It is another day the same as the day before the same as the day after.
I have breakfast. It is all a blur. I am on my phone checking my notifications, which do not really matter. I am liking posts that do not make me feel anything. I see memes, TikToks and threads. I will not remember them tomorrow. All of these things are just filling the space in my mind but they are not making me feel any better. Even when I am on my phone I am thinking: Is this all there is?
When I go outside the city is moving fast. People are in a hurry. They are all staring at their screens. They have earbuds in. They are living their lives in small pieces. Everyone looks busy. They are not really living. I am walking,. I am not really going anywhere. My feet are taking me through the streets. I am seeing the same things every day: the cracks in the pavement the neon signs and the traffic. I am moving,. I am not making progress.
I read somewhere that my generation, Gen Z and yes they say "You still young" but it feels like a 80s retired old man mind but anyways, That is we are the moving generation but we are also the most anxious. Time is going by fast because we have so much to do but we do not feel like we are in control. The things that were supposed to make our lives easier, like apps and planners are just making us feel more trapped. I see my friends. They are laughing and messaging but I wonder if they feel the same way I do. Are they just pretending to be happy like I am?
My classes, my work and my responsibilities are all mixed together. I have deadlines and assignments and bills to pay. Everything has to be done and it has to be done well. Even taking care of myself is a list of things to do: meditate, drink water, exercise and sleep.. The list never ends and I never feel like I am doing enough. I always feel empty inside.
There is a moment in the afternoon when I'm at a café and I am trying to write. I am trying to create something. The words are not coming. My mind is elsewhere. I am thinking about the past and the future. I am thinking about the things I did wrong and the things I am not ready for. The screen is blurry. My pen feels heavy.
My phone is a part of my life but it is also a problem. It connects me to people. It also isolates me. Every notification every message, is a distraction. I feel like I am everywhere and nowhere at the time. The internet is supposed to be a thing but it just makes me feel locked out.
My daily routine is the same thing every day. I wake up I check my phone I go to work I check my phone again. Then I go to bed. It is a routine but it is also boring. The things that are supposed to comfort me are just making me feel trapped. My life is like a treadmill that I cannot stop. I wonder if this is what it means to be muted: to be alive but not really seen or heard.
I see people on the street. They smile and wave.. They do not really see me. Maybe they see themselves in me. Maybe I see myself in them. Everyone is just trying to get through the day. We are all stuck in the same rut. The city is moving fast. I am not keeping up. I am stuck between the past and the future. I do not know what to do.
The evenings are the worst. I am alone in my room and the world outside is still moving. I try to distract myself with music or TV. It does not work. The voice inside my head is still there. It is still asking: Is this all there is? The little kid inside me is. I do not know how to make it stop.
Sometimes there are moments of clarity. A song comes on. It makes me feel something. A stranger is kind to me. It makes me feel seen. The night sky is beautiful. It reminds me that there is more to life than my own problems. These small things remind me that I am still here and I am still trying.
Tonight I make a promise to myself. It is not a promise but it is a start. Tomorrow I will try to do things. I will notice more. I will check my phone less. I will take one step outside of my routine. I will see what happens. Maybe that is all it takes: one step towards change. One step, one breath one moment, at a time.. Maybe tomorrow I will find myself a little more.