The clock on my nightstand glowed bright green in the darkness of my room – 11:47 PM. I'd been lying in bed for almost two hours, staring at the ceiling and trying to will myself to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Kaiden's face. The way his smile had faded when that couple walked by at the festival. The weariness in his eyes when he'd talked about wanting to be himself again. The small, grateful smile he'd given me before going into his house.
I sighed and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, reaching for the small leather-bound journal that sat on my desk – the one I'd been keeping since freshman year. I'd never been much of a writer, but sometimes putting things down on paper helped me make sense of them. I flipped on my desk lamp, its warm light casting a soft glow over the room, and opened the journal to the next blank page. The pages before were filled with notes from school, reminders of things I needed to do, and occasional entries about my day – but tonight, I knew I needed to write about Kaiden.
October 22nd
It's almost midnight and I still can't sleep. I keep thinking about today – about the festival, about Kaiden. We had fun, I think. Or at least as much fun as we could have given everything that's happened. Kailee did a good job of getting everyone together, and for a while, it felt like old times. We laughed, we ate way too much food, we even danced a little. But I could tell he was struggling. He tried so hard to pretend everything was okay, and maybe to everyone else it looked that way. But I know him better than anyone – I can see the little things that give him away.
I paused, my pen hovering over the paper as I tried to find the right words. How do you write about someone you care about more than anything, when you can't even tell them how you feel? How do you put into words the way your chest tightens when you see them hurting, the way you'd do anything to take their pain away?
When we were sitting at the picnic table watching everyone dance, he went quiet again. I don't think anyone else noticed – they were all too busy having fun. But I saw him watching the couples slow dancing, and his face just… fell. Like he was remembering something he wished he could forget. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he didn't have to be strong all the time. That it was okay to miss what he thought he had. But I didn't need to – he already knew. We've been friends long enough that we don't always need words.
I wrote slowly, my hand moving across the page as I let the thoughts flow out of me. It felt good to get them down – like I was taking some of the weight I'd been carrying and transferring it to the paper.
I keep thinking about what he said – that he wants to be himself again. The Kaiden I know is one of the most joyful people I've ever met. He finds happiness in the little things – a new video game, a good meal, a funny joke. He's always been the one who can make me laugh even when I'm having the worst day of my life. Seeing him this way – quiet, guarded, carrying around this weight – it's hard. Really hard.
But even though he's hurting, I can see that he's trying. He went to the festival even though I know part of him didn't want to. He laughed and danced and talked with our friends. He's taking steps forward, even if they're small ones. That's what matters. Healing isn't a race – there's no finish line you have to reach by a certain time. You just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.
I set the pen down for a moment and leaned back in my chair, looking out the window at the moon shining bright in the dark sky. I could hear the distant sound of crickets chirping, the gentle hum of traffic on the street a few blocks over. It was quiet – the kind of quiet that usually helped me sleep. But tonight, my mind was too busy.
I know I can't fix this for him. No matter how much I want to, I can't make the pain go away. The only thing I can do is be there for him – be his friend, the way I've always been. Listen when he needs to talk, be quiet when he doesn't want to say anything. Make sure he knows he's not alone.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I told him how I feel. But I know better than that. Our friendship means more to me than anything in the world – more than any chance at something more. I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than risk losing him completely. So I'll keep writing these words in my journal, where no one will ever see them. I'll keep being the friend he needs me to be. Because that's what matters most.
I picked up the pen again and wrote a few more lines – small things about the day, about how Kaiden had laughed when Marcus did the robot dance, about how he'd saved me the last bite of his grilled cheese sandwich like he always did. When I finally felt like I'd gotten everything out, I closed the journal and set it back on my desk, blowing out a long breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.
The clock now read 12:38 AM. I was exhausted – my eyes were heavy, my body felt like lead, and my mind was finally starting to quiet down. I turned off the desk lamp and climbed back into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. For a while, I just lay there listening to the sounds of the night, letting my thoughts drift aimlessly. I thought about school, about the chemistry test we had next week, about the new fighting game that was coming out in a few months. I thought about Kaiden and how I hoped he was sleeping soundly, how I hoped he'd wake up feeling a little lighter than he had the day before.
Slowly but surely, the tiredness I'd been fighting for hours finally won out. My eyes grew heavier and heavier until I could barely keep them open, and before I knew it, I was drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was how bright it was in my room. Sunlight was streaming through my curtains, painting golden stripes across my walls and floor. I blinked a few times, trying to clear the sleep from my eyes, and turned to look at my alarm clock. The red numbers glowed back at me – 8:50 AM.
My heart immediately started racing as I shot up in bed, throwing the covers off and scrambling to get out of bed. "Shit," I muttered to myself, fumbling for my clothes. "I'm late – I'm so late. Mom's going to kill me."
I pulled on a t-shirt and jeans as fast as I could, nearly tripping over my own feet as I ran downstairs. My mom was in the kitchen, standing at the sink washing dishes, and she turned to look at me with a calm smile when I burst into the room.
"Good morning to you too," she said, her voice warm and amused. "You're up early for a Saturday."
"Saturday?" I stopped dead in my tracks, looking at her with confusion. "But… I thought it was Monday. I thought I had class. Why didn't you wake me up?"
She set down the dish she was washing and turned to face me fully, a wide smile spreading across her face. "Jaden, sweetheart – it is Saturday. You don't have class today. Remember?"
I stood there for a moment, my mind slowly catching up with what she was saying. I looked at the calendar on the wall – sure enough, the big red square was around the 23rd, with "Saturday" written clearly underneath. I felt my shoulders relax as the panic I'd been feeling melted away, and I let out a long breath, running a hand through my messy hair.
"Oh," I said, feeling my cheeks heat up slightly. "Right. Saturday."
My mom laughed – a genuine, warm laugh that made me smile despite my embarrassment. "You must have been really tired last night. You were out cold when I checked on you around one o'clock. I didn't want to wake you up – you've been running yourself ragged taking care of Kaiden."
I walked over to the coffee maker and poured myself a cup, leaning against the counter as I took a sip. "I guess I was more tired than I thought," I said, looking down at my cup. "I couldn't sleep for hours last night – I just kept thinking about everything."
She dried her hands on her apron and walked over to me, putting a gentle hand on my shoulder. "I know you care about him a lot, Jaden. And it's good that you're there for him – he needs someone like you in his life. But you have to remember to take care of yourself too. You can't help anyone if you're running on empty."
I nodded, knowing she was right. "I know. It's just hard to turn off sometimes. When I see him hurting… I want to do everything I can to make it better."
"I know you do," she said softly. "And that's what makes you such a good friend. But you have to give yourself permission to rest too. You don't have to be strong all the time."
We stood there in comfortable silence for a moment, and I found myself thinking about my journal – about all the things I'd written down the night before. It felt good to get those thoughts out, to have a place to put them where no one would see them. But even though I'd written them down, I knew they'd still be there – the worry I felt for Kaiden, the desire to take his pain away, the feelings I kept locked away deep inside.
"Did you sleep okay?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't want to talk about my feelings – not now, not with my mom. Even though I knew she'd understand, it was still hard to put into words.
"I slept fine," she said, smiling. "Your dad called this morning – he's doing well on his business trip. He says he'll be home next week and he wants to take us all out to dinner to celebrate."
"That's good," I said, taking another sip of coffee. "I miss him. It's been weird without him here."
"I know," she said. "But it won't be long now. In the meantime, I was thinking we could do something fun today. Maybe go to the farmers market, or see that movie you've been wanting to watch. Or we could just stay in and relax – whatever you want."
I thought about it for a moment. Part of me wanted to call Kaiden and see if he wanted to hang out – we'd talked about playing games today, and I was curious to see how he was feeling. But another part of me knew I needed to take my mom's advice and take care of myself too. Kaiden was strong – he could handle a few hours without me, and I needed to give myself a chance to recharge.
"Can we go to the farmers market?" I asked. "I've been craving those fresh peach muffins they sell there, and I know you like the homemade jam they have."
"Of course," she said with a wide smile. "We can go in a little while – give you time to wake up fully. And maybe we can pick up some things to make dinner tonight – your favorite, if you want."
"Really?" I asked, feeling a smile spread across my face. "You'd make lasagna?"
"For my favorite son? Of course," she said, reaching over to ruffle my hair playfully. "But only if you promise to help me make it. I'm not doing all the work by myself."
"Deal," I said, grinning. "But I get to be in charge of the cheese layer."
"Only if you promise not to eat half of it before we put it in the oven," she said with a laugh.
"I make no promises," I said, laughing along with her.
I finished my coffee and went back upstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face, feeling more relaxed than I had in days. The panic I'd felt when I'd first woken up was completely gone, replaced by a quiet sense of peace. It was Saturday – I had no class, no responsibilities except to spend time with my mom and take care of myself. And that was okay.
As I stood at the bathroom sink washing my face, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked tired – dark circles under my eyes, my hair a mess, my face pale. I'd been so focused on taking care of Kaiden that I'd forgotten to take care of myself. My mom was right – I couldn't keep running on empty. I needed to rest, to recharge, to take a break from worrying about everything.
I brushed my teeth and combed my hair, then changed into clean clothes – jeans and a comfortable hoodie. When I went back downstairs, my mom was already getting her purse and keys ready.
"Ready to go?" she asked, looking at me with a smile.
"Ready," I said, grabbing my wallet and keys from the counter. "Let's go get those muffins."
We walked out to the car and drove to the farmers market, which was held every Saturday in the parking lot of the old community center. The market was already busy when we arrived – people walking around with baskets full of fresh produce, kids running around chasing each other, vendors calling out their specials. The air was filled with the smells of fresh bread, ripe fruit, flowers, and grilled food from the food trucks that were set up nearby.
My mom immediately headed for the jam vendor, while I made a beeline for the muffin stand. The woman who ran it – a nice older lady named Margaret – smiled when she saw me.
"Jaden! It's been too long," she said, wrapping a paper bag around a dozen peach muffins. "Your mom usually comes by herself, but I'm glad to see you're here today."
"Thanks, Margaret," I said, handing her the money. "I've been craving these for weeks."
"I know the feeling," she said with a wink. "They're my best seller for a reason. Tell your mom I said hello – and that I have a new batch of strawberry rhubarb jam she's going to love."
"I will," I said, taking the bag and heading back to where my mom was standing, already looking through jars of jam. She held up a jar of the strawberry rhubarb jam and grinned at me.
"Look what I found," she said. "Margaret just made it this morning."
"I know," I said with a smile. "She told me to tell you hello."
We walked around the market for a while longer, picking up fresh vegetables, bread, cheese, and a bouquet of sunflowers for the kitchen. Every so often, I'd pull out my phone to check if Kaiden had texted me, but there were no messages. Part of me was disappointed – I wanted to know how he was doing, if he was okay. But another part of me was glad – it meant he was probably sleeping in, taking care of himself the way he needed to.
When we'd bought everything we needed, we headed back to the car and drove home. My mom put the groceries away while I started getting things ready for dinner – pulling out the ingredients for lasagna, preheating the oven, boiling water for the noodles. It felt good to be doing something normal, something that didn't involve worrying about Kaiden or his feelings. It was a nice break.
As I was boiling the noodles, my phone buzzed on the counter. I dried my hands on my jeans and picked it up, smiling when I saw who it was.
From Kaiden H.: morning jay!!! sorry i slept in – didn't get to bed until like 2 am lol. u still wanna play games today or did u make other plans???
I typed out my response immediately, feeling a weight lift from my chest.
To Kaiden H.: morning!! i'm helping my mom make lasagna right now but we can play later if u want. or we can play tomorrow – whatever works for u
From Kaiden H.: lasagna??? can i come over and help??? i promise i won't eat all the cheese this time 😜
I laughed and showed the text to my mom, who was chopping vegetables at the counter. "Kaiden wants to come over and help make lasagna," I said. "He says he won't eat all the cheese."
My mom smiled and wiped her hands on her apron. "Of course he can come over. The more the merrier – and it'll give you two a chance to hang out like you planned."
To Kaiden H.: u're welcome to come over – mom says the more the merrier. just don't let her catch u sneaking cheese 😉
From Kaiden H.: no promises!!! be there in 20 mins!!!
I set my phone down and went back to boiling the noodles, feeling happier than I had all morning. It was good to know Kaiden was okay, that he was feeling well enough to want to hang out. And even though I'd been looking forward to spending the day with my mom, I was glad he was coming over. It would be nice to have him here, to just be together like we always were.
My mom looked over at me with a knowing smile. "You're glad he's coming over, aren't you?"
I nodded, not trying to hide my smile. "Yeah. I am. I was worried about him – wanted to make sure he was okay."
"I know you were," she said softly. "And that's okay. Just remember what I said – take care of yourself too. You can't pour from an empty cup."
"I know," I said, looking at her with gratitude. "Thanks, mom. For everything."
She reached over and patted my shoulder gently. "That's what moms are for. Now come on – let's get this lasagna ready before Kaiden gets here and eats all our ingredients."
We laughed and went back to cooking, the kitchen filled with the smells of garlic, onions, tomatoes, and cheese. A little while later, I heard a knock on the door – three quick knocks, just like always. I wiped my hands on my jeans and went to open it, smiling when I saw Kaiden standing there, holding a bag of sour gummy worms and a six-pack of soda.
"I brought supplies," he said with a grin. "For after dinner, of course. I know how strict your mom is about eating before meals."
I laughed and stepped aside to let him in. "