The deep darkness of the night and the overreaching ash forest sheltered us from the invaders as we reached a clearing on the south side of the river. Dad turned off the engine and started rowing towards the river bank. Mom took me in her arms to keep me warm as we got off the boat.
As soon as father reached solid ground he started to gather firewood and small dry twigs to light up a fire as our survival depended on warmth and shelter from the blizzard that surrounded us.
As time passed and dad made a fire, mom prepared a small meal, much smaller than what I was used to and dad took out the boat out of the water to make a makeshift roof. One thing has not changed, before going to bed, my parents stood by my side and still told me a story, that gave me hope and I asked my father if all was going to be okay; that's when father held me tight and said 'It's going to be alright, our lives will go back to the way it used to before'.
The days went by while traveling the Danube and things were not getting any easier but harder and harder, colder and colder. The desperation was always highest when we didn't eat for the day, those days we would spend traveling day and night, sleeping in the boat in the dead of night.
I will always remember one of those days, it was the coldest we ever had, the blizzard was so terrible that we had to stop and sit in the forest, we couldn't even build a fire, that's when dad started groaning and trembling like he never did, his two crushed fingers got black from the cold and it was clear to him what he had to do as there was no going back but we would have to wait until the blizzard stopped to do exactly that.
Eventually the snow stopped falling and dad started a fire, took out his knife and put it in the fire. I wouldn't have imagined back then what my father wanted to do with the knife ,but all I heard in that night was the sound of the blade cracking my father's bones when he cut them and the sound it made when it reached the snow, mom covered my eyes so that I would not see ;it was for naught as the sound was enough for me to realize what happened.
My mom quickly wrapped his hand in a cloth so that it would not get infected; barely any blood left his body that day as the cold stopped it quickly and froze it in an instant. When I looked in my father's eyes I saw the pain he has endured until now and all the pain we will still have to endure until we would reach somewhere safe, somewhere we could start over our lives.
The dawn came and we were back at it, rowing slowly day by day as the fuel from the engine went out a long time ago, it seemed to me as we were born there, as all my past was meaningless to this moment, this moment when survival took priority against everything, there were no morals, no thoughts, no beliefs just the endless instinct of survival that got installed in us. I curse all the cold that I felt those days and that damned wind that cut through our clothes like we were covered only in leaves; and the hunger that kept me awake nights without end, with only some berries and in lucky days a rabbit that we would eat, father even started to eat it's marrow.
Remembering now the pain I felt , I can't imagine the pain my parents felt as they always gave everything to me, half the food, my clothes were always first to be dried, If they just left me it would have been better, it might have been easier ,but the past laughs at me when I say these words as the past can't be changed and the only thing we have left now is each other.
I will never forsake who they were and what they did for me those weeks in the wild. The thing that dug deep inside my memories was the shaking, the never ending shaking from the cold, that lasted that whole time without a moment of warmth even in my parents arms, my bones and muscles were stiffer than a mountain from the time we stood on that boat in the same position.
Each morning we got up to try to find food was like moving strapped with barbed wire around our hands and feet while our clothes stuck to our skin like wax and froze still, the silken smoothness of my clothes became rough like a turtle's shell. Nevertheless I stopped feeling my hands one week from departing, it felt as though they were ghostly, without life ,some days I could barely move, my parents would always wrap my hands and feet in their inside clothing that was warm through the night while keeping me as close to the fire as possible.
One morning I remember when my parents took out their boots and put their hands on their toes, they didn't dare to take off the socks off as it would come off with the skin, their toes were hard like they froze in place and were replaced with stones, they could hardly move them which means they were not taken by the frostbite.
I relived that nightmarish night each and every day, remembering the fire that swallowed our house while the red blood that painted the white canvass in the ground, made me vomit sometimes, the memories from that day will forever haunt me every night as it showed me what humans were capable of.
We were helpless , we had no part to play in their war, we were simply enjoying our peace and quiet and so did the people of Ulm as the never accepted to be involved in the war, we all liver peacefully and remained neutral, but we were in their path, weak and an easy prey to fuel their blood lust and their war mongering.
The reason I tell you all this is not to feel what I felt or to feel pity for me, no , dear citizens I tell you this because I pity you and to find out where my dream started, in those dread nights and countless days without sleep the dream of not letting humans become like that ever again and putting them on a better bath, a dream of becoming their hero, that dream gained a hold on me that kept me wanting to survive another day, to make my dream a reality, it was clear to me what had to be done ,and for now all I had to do was survive, survive until I had the opportunity to act.
After four weeks of traveling on that river, we found a small fireplace and we camped there for the night, dad was no longer able to get the boat off the water on his own and turning it upside down to sleep under it, so we helped him with whatever strength we had left. We were eventually able to set it besides the fire and mother went to forage something to eat while dad was preparing the fire. It was starting to get dark and my parents haven't come back yet and I remember feeling that something will come, and so it did...
As soon as the sun was no longer on the sky I heard a crack in front of me and I could see the leaves in a bush in front of me moving little by little - snow began to fall from the leaves.
It was quiet, quiet like every last living thing in the forest stopped moving and I knew then that the quietness was all the alarm I needed but it was too late, too late to shout, too late to move as out of the forest a yellow eye appeared with fur like a hedgehog's and one eye blind and white like the snow, all I could see in front of me were his fangs, his claws and the way he looked at me...
...like the way I looked at the rabbit before eating it, he was hungry and he was going to eat me, I could see the bones on his body , his tendons moving, it was like he hasn't eaten in days , he was like us but the forest had no friends and only the strongest survive , and I am his survival ,and he is my doom, those few second our eyes were interlocked, I couldn't move a muscle , my sweat froze to my face as he got closer and closer...
He was not only weak from not eating but scars could be seen all over his body and face, like he spent his entire life fighting, killing - it was in his blood, but that day it felt as if he was cautious, he didn't jump in to kill me instantly like he would have done with a deer - he was curious of this new creature that came into his forest, even though we both knew he was going to kill me.
The Old Wolf jumped fiercely towards me and grabbed another wolf by the throat and shoved it in the other direction, my heart was pumping as loud as a locomotive, there was no cold in me that day, my clothes were no longer stuck to my skin , I could feel my hands , and my eyes were locked on the things that were going on in front of me.
The Old Wolf ,weak as he seemed to me was putting fear inside the eyes of the pack as if they have seen a ghost, but that fear would not stop them from getting this meal, only four other wolves remained and they started encircling him while snow was starting to fall and the winds were howling in despair for this fight, my breath stopped when the biggest wolf charged him head on and put him down on the grown, it was in that moment, that my thoughts left me, if he killed The Old Wolf, I would have been next, but I had no clue what to do, what could I do, I was helpless in their face...alone.
It is then that I desperately grabbed a burning wood from the fire not noticing that I didn't have gloves, I didn't feel any pain that moment, I only heard the growls of the wolves that encaged us, they were our noose but we will not comply with this. The moment I lifted myself off the ground with the flaming wood in my hand, the alpha lost his attention and The Wolf ripped his throat open with his fangs right in front of my eyes, the other wolves seeing their alpha and beta, beaten in the snow and bleeding to death, looked at us with the intent to kill but it was too late as their strongest was dead and we had the advantage.
Wolf quickly and without hesitation charged the closest dog just to scare him and that is the moment they all ran away. That is the moment when all my senses came back and I let go of the burning wood that ate away some of my flesh, the wolf looked back at me but his eyes were different, the yellow eye with the killing intent, loosened up and became more warm as if we became friends but I could see him whimpering harder than when he came, and with one more look he fell to the ground...
The howling winds and snow were covering my eyes and I could not see clearly ahead of me but I quickly ran towards him and saw again the red pool of blood that gathered beneath him - there was no regret in his eyes, it was as if he fulfilled his purpose in life, he did something he will be remembered for, and remember him I will for that night marked my very skin in fire and ice, his breath was heavy and painful and I wanted to ease his pain , I didn't want him to suffer, I wanted him to be at peace with the wilds and with the world in such way that he will not feel all the pain.
I went back to the boat and grabbed my father's knife that he told me not to use only if the need arises .This was my moment, this is my challenge ,my trail ,my first cross to carry on my back. Before doing it I rested my head on his side to give my thanks and regards to him as I wouldn't have been here without him, and he gave me the chance to fulfill my dream.
He was my first real enemy and friend; he showed me the good in this world and gave a life that I will not throw away so easily. I stabbed him in his heart and I heard a small whimper of pain and then his breath stopped. I closed his eyes and buried him under the snow as he deserved it; he gave enough to this world...
The other wolves will become our trophies. The only thing I took from him was one of his fangs, still pure white after so many years of hunting and killing. I still remember the lifeless eyes of the wolf as I took the knife to try to take the tooth off and the feeling of uneasiness as I approached my friend's body. While I kneeled in front of the wolf, I stopped feeling the snow around me, it was like nature itself watched over this very moment, and I could imagine him sitting beside me, guarding my back once more. My blade making its way inside stopped feeling gross or unnatural but actually felt like an honor like the king passed down his crown onto me.
After a few more minutes my parents came and saw the blood lying on the snow floor, and quickly come to me to see what has happened, mom burst tears of joy when she saw that nothing happened to me, and I told them everything that happened and that it was like he knew all that happened to me and noticed that we were the same, and he protected me like I was his own flesh and blood and that I took his fang to remember him .My parents embraced me harder than ever before in that night, that was my first trial and it was the day I found my courage and my instinct...