READING GUIDANCE
" This is a direct sentence in the present time."
" This is a direct sentence in the past time."
' This is a character's inner thought in the present time.'
' This is a character's inner thought in the past time.'
[ This is a direct sentence in sign language in the present time.]
[ This is a direct sentence in sign language in the past time.]
HAPPY READING!
.
.
Recently, memories of her past life as Lara have come to her mind. Start from her childhood time, to the time when she was still a teenager, or to the very last years of her life. The memories could be so random that sometimes they feel melancholic, but mostly all of them are terrifying.
"... You know, ma'am. Life is something that you cannot control, you know?" he said, with his naïve expression that always annoyed Lara back then. "Even with your power and money, only that thing is something you cannot control."
He, who always tried to stay with her, somehow got into the situation when she ended up leaving him near her. "Don't talk, you are still a child," and she would like to ignore him as she already knew she could not win against his stubbornness.
"I am just saying, as you seem so confident about yourself."
And Lara frowned at him, "You dare to talk to me like that?" and it was not anger, it was pure confusion as she was somehow questioning why he had the courage.
He lifted his shoulders. "Well, you always do, so—" he said while smiling. "... I just want you to know that there is something that you could not get in this world. This world is beautiful, and that is also uncontrollable. If both of them are then uncontrollable, why not choose the one that could make you happy?" He pointed to the big window inside her elegant office that showed the sky painted in soft purples and fiery oranges.
From her towering office, the city below throbbed with endless noise and restless lives, but in that moment, as he pointed toward the horizon, the sky's quiet, untouchable beauty felt entirely separate from the chaos beneath. "...Even now, the sky is very beautiful."
.
.
And she frowned while holding her hands tight because of the memory. ' It is indeed beautiful,' she thought, while looking at the sky above her, which showed a very bright blue color. Yet, her heart felt so heavy, and she could not enjoy the scenery as she usually does.
'...you always see the beauty of the world, despite how it brings you tragedy,' because even after a long time, from the time he was gone and the first time Lara met him, he always put on his sweetest smile as he had nothing but happiness inside his life. 'You always talk about your wife and your child, because they are all important to you.'
Yet, she would mock him every time he did that, saying his feelings were nonsense because she believed no one could give such happiness to anyone in this world.
'She is always with me. She is a good wife and mother.' But she would ignore him with his ridiculously sweet smile. 'I like to hug her, you know. She gives me the comfort I could not get from anyone.'
And ironically, she, who had once despised those words, finds herself in the same situation.
'...Yes, I know, now.'
'...I could see it too.'
And every time she realizes it even further, her heart aches so much. To the point she holds her head, which gives her so much pain she can hardly bear it. The guilty feeling of feeling comforted by somebody is overwhelming her, as she now struggles to breathe.
'...while I ruined your life.'
So how could Lara let herself have happiness while she was the one who made them never feel it again?
.
'I am so sorry.'
.
'I am so sorry.'
.
And even as she keeps saying that, the pain still has not stopped.
"...Sister... please..." And even now, in front of her, her purpose of life holding her hands with tears streaming down her cheeks—Irisha has no power to bring herself to comfort Arisha anymore. It just becomes more painful whenever she looks at the innocent eyes sincerely crying for her.
"Because I am a sinner." And it terrifies her so much to imagine how her little sister would see her if she knew the truth.
She frowned painfully. [...please, go,] while her hands trembled to let her know, [I am sorry, but please go...] because it hurts so much for Irisha to see her right now.
'It would be better if you shot me, instead of yourself,' she thought...to the woman who always comes to her mind, 'he is right, she is really a kind wife and mother... She is really a good woman,' because, despite the sins she had committed, the woman chose to shoot herself instead of her.
'...but it would be better if I died in your hand.' So at least, the pain would be less, as Irisha could think the woman's pain is half gone because she knew that the sinful woman who took her loved husband and baby had already died in her hands. Yet, Irisha smiles weakly. '...but you are too good to do that, is it not?' It would be too dirty for someone innocent like that woman to do.
'...but it is too much even for me.'
'It is so painful.'
'It really is.'
...and whenever she is in her worst state, she will unconsciously seek help from that man with his soothing golden eyes, who always looks at her with affection as if she is his whole world. The desire that she tries to keep inside slowly comes to the surface, seeking the embrace of the one she misses...
And it hurts her even more because she knows she cannot do that. She cannot because she is a sinner with too many sins to seek the comfort she desperately wants. Her sins are too many to give her the courage to let people know.
She drowns in the despair of her guilt, her frustration, her desire, and her fear that tortures her every second she breathes. It feels so painful. It is agonizingly painful.
The screams inside her start to make her go crazy.
.
.
WHOOOSEE!!
.
Yet then, a strong wind shakes the windows of the room she stays in, making Irisha stand up in confusion before a big white dragon she once saw perched on her balcony's rail. The doors that the maid left open to make her feel better let the first princess, whom Irisha tries to avoid, inside.
[What... are you doing here?] She steps back in fear while looking at the princess, who now gives Irisha a painful expression.
"...please, hear me out." And how she looks desperate makes Irisha's heart start to shake. Yet, her fear overpowers all her feelings and creates uncontrollable anxiety.
Irisha then turns away to find Edward running toward her with Arisha, who is being held by the maid behind him. "Come here," he said while grabbing her hand and putting Irisha behind him. He makes Irisha unable to see Ivy anymore, and face Arisha with an expression that she finds hard to face.
"I need to talk with Sister Irisha," the second princess said.
But Edward looked at her in abnormal fury while trying to compose himself. "...even though we are living in this empire, it does not mean you can do anything as you please, Princess." Even though the princess might, there is nothing Edward could do in such a situation other than say that.
"This is urgent! I need to tell Irisha something important!" she said, desperately screaming.
Yet Edward still does not move. "...she does not want to meet you. You already got her message, did you not?"
And the princess frowned painfully. "...I know." And it pains her so much as Irisha is always someone special even for her, "Even so... my brother now is in dang—"
"Ms. Irisha has nothing to do with His Grace," he cut her off.
And she looks at him in confusion. "...what? But my brother now is—"
"Please, don't bother her again," he said. "...she is now in so much pain, and she should not think about something like this." After a while, looking at the princess who desperately wished for Irisha behind his back, he said, "...If you truly care for Ms. Irisha, you will let her be."
And the princess, whom he once knew as wicked, could not even show her wicked aura and instead showed him a painful expression he never expected. The princess looks like she is in so much despair, as it shows on her face—but Edward feels that if he lets his empathy show now, he will entirely lose Irisha from his hand.
His heart feels so heavy when the princess slowly turns away, but he closes his eyes because this feeling will eventually end.
"DON'T!"
But a strong voice comes out when, suddenly, Edward sees Arisha running to the princess. "Don't go, sister! Please don't go!" While Edward then turns to Irisha, who is now looking at Arisha in panic. "Sister, something is happening to His Grace," and she tells Irisha something she should not know.
Her eyes widen, and her expression changes. [Wha-]
"I—" but Edward holds her shoulder frantically. "Don't! Please, don't do that." He desperately tries to tell her something she cannot understand.
Yet how could he make her understand? While it means she will go from him eventually.
[What do you mean?] she asked in confusion. [What is happening here?] as she looks like she screams to understand the situation.
"Let me talk with my sister, mister!" Arisha said.
"Sister Irisha should know what is happening with my brother—"
"STOP!" he yelled, shaking Irisha unconsciously and making her look at him in fearful confusion. He then frowned while slowly letting go of her shoulders and starting to talk. "...you do know that I am falling in love with you, right?" While he then looks at Irisha, who has an expression he somehow expected. A kind of expression where she has the answer to his question but decides not to say anything further. Then he smiles weakly, "Am I not good, Ms. Irisha?"
"...I will give you everything you wanted, provide you with the best things I could ever get, and treat you well," he said.
[...why are you talking about this right now?]
He looks at her pitifully. "Because... somehow, I believe you will go away right now."
Then, Irisha frowned while looking at the princess behind him with her worried expression. Irisha's eyes widen as she starts to understand the situation. [Is something happening to His Grace?] As Irisha passes Edward slowly to talk to the princess, leaving Edward unconsciously alone, while holding his hands tightly and trying to compose himself through the piercing pain in his heart.
.
"...Is he that important to you?" he feels it is so unfair after he turns back and sees Irisha showing the expression she never gives to him.
.
[What is happening to him?] Even though the words come smoothly, it has recently felt so hard to wake Irisha up from her own thoughts.
Yet now, Irisha looks fully aware while talking with the princess, who frowns painfully. "...These last days, he used his power so much," the princess says to Irisha. "...you might not know, but humans are never a good container for such power. It is too powerful to begin with. If... a dragon's blessing... used the power to its fullest, it might break him from the inside.... and eventually, the dragon's blessing might die."
***
.
.
"He might die."
.
"He is losing his control to the blood, and it might ruin his internals."
.
"...If we let him be, he might die."
.
And those words ring in Irisha's head since the princess told her. At that second, the energy inside Irisha's body, which she recently sought, suddenly bursts. Forcing herself to move to the place where he is.
Her heart thumps so hard. The strange, anxious feeling inside her makes Irisha unable to do anything other than move to be with him right now. The huge desire she always hides suddenly comes to the surface, overpowering the fear that holds her back.
Her longing for that man, she can no longer hold, as she chooses to ride the princess's dragon as fast as they can because... Irisha needs to see the prince right now. She has to.
Because... death is not something favorable, and Irisha knows it better than anyone.
There are many regrets she has carried in her life, starting from the regretful death. The deaths were thick with a rustic blood aroma and disgusting texture of flesh. The fear has lingered inside her since the day she learned about her sin.
To think that the man with the touches she always misses, with the embrace that always warms her, and the gentle smiles that always look at her affectionately—is now walking into death—the thought makes Irisha unable to calm down.
'I don't want it.'
'Please... don't let him...'
She just holds her hands tight while somehow praying inside her heart.
There is nothing she cannot think about, despite him being in her mind.
...and her heart feels hurt while she now looks at the fire that bursts into the air, firing the blue sky above them and covering it with thick black smoke.
"We cannot go nearer than this," the princess says after they land on the flat land outside the thick forest now burning in front of her. While many knights and dragons fly above them, others land while looking at the chaos. "...brother's pheromone is so thick, it might hurt normal humans... even I feel so much pain right now," the princess says.
[But then how do we get him?] She stopped, followed by the princess, who was surprised by a loud explosion, making the princess seem like she was screaming now. Then, Irisha desperately wants to understand the situation in the silent chaos she sees in front of her.
"...I don't know! I don't know what to do—" but the princess also loses her sense, "It never happened to us, it should not! He might die—" she says frantically. "...I could not get over him with Ahava because his pheromone will just control Ahava's mind... No one here could stop—SISTER!!" But Irisha then runs into the forest, while the princess is not fully aware. Irisha runs inside a pitch-black forest caused by the thick black smoke.
Irisha even has to close her mouth and nose with her clothes to make sure she is not inhaling the smoke. The forest feels so hot, as if it burns her. Yet, there is no such fire despite the darkness. Even she has no idea where she is going right now.
' Your Grace!'
But despite how hurtful her breath is now, how the heat burns her skin, and how the darkness and silence feel so threatening as she cannot hear any sounds to make her aware—Irisha understands how terrifying the situation is, yet she cannot stop running.
'...I want to see him.'
The golden eyes that look at her dearly. With his silly smile that he always puts on his face while gently touching her cheeks.
She frowned painfully.
.
'...don't go anywhere, I cannot find you.'
The idea feels so tormenting.
.
She might lose herself if he is gone.
.
'...I am sorry.'.
He was hurt, painfully, and it was all because of her.
.
'I prefer you to despise me instead of losing you now.'
Somehow, if she should suffer the fear of rejection from him after he knows who she truly is, Irisha will gladly take it, instead of facing a world where he is not there.
'So please, don't leave me—'
And she begged as she screamed inside her heart, running through the forest that ignites the fire. It feels painful, yet her mind cannot even feel the heat as her gaze looks to the man in the blazing fire, surrounded by mad dragons throwing fire everywhere.
'YOUR GRACE!'
...and she screams, yet no word comes out.
She holds her chest, which feels a sudden loss of air that throbs in her lungs. She kneels, unable to breathe. She tries, but the pheromone feels like it squeezes her inside.
.
She starts to lose consciousness.
His appearance starts to get blurry in her sight.
'...Your Grace...' Even the screaming inside her heart cannot keep up with this dreadful and agonizing situation.
But,
.
.
You know?
...his embrace was always warm whenever she felt it.
.
Somehow, if she dares to ask for more, she wants to hear the sound of his voice and hear him call her name. While imagining the type of voice that would probably be calming, with a low, deep sound. Yet still, her favorite part will always be when he gently caresses her or hugs her from behind.
.
Despite her calming composure, she always tries to hold herself so as not to spill any expression in front of him whenever he tucks her hair behind her ear.
.
She always tries to find a distraction from her thumping heart, which could change her cheeks' color easily if she is not careful.
.
She always pretends not to notice anything about her feelings or him because she thinks all of it will be in vain.
.
...Yet now, even in this situation, a mere deaf and mute woman like her can bring herself to stand up again and run to him fast. Reach her hands to the man who is still not aware of her existence.
.
Then, just when her hands reach him, she hugs him and holds him tightly with her heavy breath.
'Your Grace!'
And she tries to cling to him as much as she can before the man sways, and both of them fall to the ground. She then pushes him down while holding both of his hands with hers to make the prince look at Irisha.
The man with his golden eyes, now looking at her, feels different from the one she knows. Even though she holds the same body, looking at the same body, she feels that he is not himself now, and it hurts her so much, as she imagines something she should not.
She then frowned desperately. "Come back. Please come back to me," while trying to hold his hands with her trembling, tiny hands. Even she is confused about how she could get that much energy to stop him—or it is him holding himself for her. Either way... Irisha hopes he will come back to her.
"...om... ek" she tries to tell him and frowns bitterly. "....is..om...ek," calling him back, hoping he hears it.
The sound she cannot even hear, and in that moment, she wishes so hard to let a voice out to call him back to her. Even if just one time,
.
'Please hear me.'
.
But even though she wishes so much, no sound comes out of her mouth.
She starts to feel hopeless while her hands still tremble. She bitterly shows the pain on her expression while looking at his golden eyes.
.
.
Then,
"...Irisha—" And at the same time, her eyes widen while looking at his lips' movement—the crown prince wakes up and lets go of her hands before hugging her tightly. It feels stuffy, but when she smells his scent, all the tension in her shoulders crumbles into pieces. Unconsciously, her hands reach him and hug him tightly, calming herself down in his embrace that she has always desperately sought.
Then, his big hands hold her cheeks while looking at her deeply.
He frowned. "You are here?" as if he thought she was just a hallucination.
And when the golden eyes she knew looked at her, her tears, which she never once let out in her entire life, streamed down like a river on her cheeks. [Don't go anywhere,] she tells him with her trembling hands. [Don't go somewhere I cannot reach.]
And he frowned. "But you are the one who did that." His smile widens as he puts his face close to hers as if it is the only way for him to calm down, and it feels so nice whenever she feels his breath near her. "Don't go away from me."
"You can't."
And even though Irisha cannot understand everything he says, his hands hold her cheeks while wiping her tears—she can feel his feelings toward her entirely.
.
'This man needs me the way I need him.'
.
He needs her, as she needs him too.
.
It feels so fascinating for her to realize how right it feels whenever he touches her. His calming scent that she can smell and the warmth of his body that embraces her tightly feel so captivating.
It feels so right to have him in her arms.
.
'So please, forgive me.'
.
Because he cannot exist without her, just as she cannot exist without him.
So, please forgive her, for she must live this life until the day fate separates them.
.
.
***