"Are you actually going to live with him?"
Seamus instantly had his hands in the air by the look Neville gave him over Harry's shoulder, mouth shutting with an audible click.
Harry was thankful Neville and Draco were playing the roles of gatekeepers to him depending on the crowd he was with, but he also didn't fault Seamus since this was the exact set-up he'd given Gryffindor when the news first dropped. He just gave a little bit of a half-shrug, as non-committal as possible.
"Probably? He was my parents' friend, and living in the magical world full time would be easier. I missed not being able to contact people over the summer." He was proud of himself for how casual and reasonable that sounded coming out of his mouth, despite the fact it felt anything but.
Dean, bless him, unwittingly played right into the performance without realizing it. "I get it, it does kind of get boring after being at Hogwarts all year. I try not to bring it up too much since my sisters are all muggles and won't get to come to Hogwarts but I do miss it." He confided, and Harry offered him a sympathetic smile for the show of vulnerability there.
"That does suck. My aunt was the sister that didn't get to go to Hogwarts and going off her attitude I think my mother failed to be that considerate of her." He offered and Dean fidgeted a bit with his hands.
"Man, I hope they don't take it to heart that badly, I'm really trying to make sure it isn't a big deal for them…" But he was clearly super worried about it.
And Harry was super thrilled to be focusing on someone else's problems other than his own.
"I feel like we're in the same kind of situation, though your sisters are so young it's so much harder. Like, do you shower them with magical gifts or just withdraw a bit so they don't feel left out of things?" He pondered rhetorically, giving another half-hearted shrug. Dean was gone most of the year and since his oldest sister was only eight and the others were even younger there was a chance they'd grow up mostly not really knowing him outside of summers. If he kept those summers mostly muggle without mentioning the magic much, maybe they just wouldn't realize what they were missing…
But Dean loved his little sisters and going off his expression, while he was tempted to spare them the jealousy, he also didn't really want to do that to them either. He wanted to be their big brother and bring them into the magical world as much as possible.
"I guess I have been kind of doing that… but if pressed on it I think I want to bring them in as much as I can. Squibs can live just fine in the magical world so if I can make it so they're as close to it all as they can be without being able to do it themselves maybe it won't be so bad," He talked himself into it, mind apparently setting itself.
"Which I'd like to do for my aunt and things but I think that ship has sailed. She might be happier not hearing about magic anymore since it's been most of her life and the grievances she has are a bit too deep." Harry only half lied. Going by Dean's solemn nodding along to the thought process, everyone witnessing it knew this was a kind of discussion only muggle-raised witches and wizards could really relate to. How did one balance a new life of magic with the muggle family you left behind? The half-bloods and purebloods around them seemed to realize this was out of their depth and didn't chime in.
But still, Dean actually leading this conversation meant he still looked like the decent Gryffindor golden-boy Dumbledore had convinced everyone he was, phrasing it like he wasn't fleeing his muggle relatives but instead giving them space. You know, to be considerate of their feelings.
It was all bullshit (he was pretty sure literally only Neville knew he even had a cousin along with this nameless aunt) but his friends bought it easily. And the fact he was now certain he'd never need to see the Dursleys again suddenly made it a bit easier to talk (lie) about them as if he'd been in contact with them this entire time and had already talked it over so everyone was on the same page and no need to question anything please.
Harry knew he was getting away with it too, since the football club gathering they were having in an empty classroom had quieted enough for people to not-so-subtly eavesdrop on that conversation, before quickly pretending to mind their own business as it got to the point of Dean soliciting their help in brainstorming ways he could spoil his sisters with magical things.
Everyone bought it that is, except the twin pairs of eyes from across the room who glanced at him where they were talking with their own friends, and small smiles shot his way showed they knew what he was doing.
Right… he needed to talk to the twins.
Draco had helped him calm down but… in many ways Fred and George were just as involved as Harry himself was. Maybe Harry for certain cared about Sirus' freedom the most, but the twins probably cared about Sirius even more than Harry did, since at least they knew a portion of the guy that had been sealed into the map. Now that the decision had been made and he was just waiting to hear that Sirius was going to be let out from St. Mungo's hopefully in only a couple weeks, he was only just now starting to wonder what it'd be like to actually live with this stranger.
Except he wasn't a stranger, maybe.
The twins eyes' shined when they talked of him, and Remus—even when he was filled with pain to even breath his name— clearly thought the world of his old friend and been utterly heartbroken at his imprisonment. At this point he could count on one hand the people he trusted implicitly, with more than just his life but also with his secrets and his less than pretty sides, and three of those five people all seemed to think very highly of Mr. Padfoot.
So Harry had faith things would work out. Which was more blind belief than he normally displayed, so he was proud of himself for not getting worked about such an unknown that lay ahead of him in the encroaching summer months. It wasn't the Dursleys so it didn't actually matter how good or bad or awkward the situation would be, it would still be a great improvement.
Spending the summer with Sirius was not what he was worried about right now though. That was all still months away, but there was something much more imminent that he was waiting for, with anxiously baited breath.
000
Friday morning dawned to an annoyingly crisp and sunny sky. With the snow on the ground and the temperatures still bone-chilling in the most literal sense of the term, the bright, cloudless sky a color of blue so perfect it seemed fake felt like it was mocking you. Taunting you, that this perfect looking day that made you want to bask in the sunlight was actually so fucking cold you could barely crack a window without regretting it.
Harry was not paying attention to his classes.
He walked down the halls and sat in his seat next to his friends, he held his quill over his journals as if he were a model student but he wasn't hearing a single thing anyone had said since the morning mail had come in.
Because he hadn't gotten a letter yet.
Any letter, he really did not care from who, but he had hoped beyond hope that it would be from Moony at the very least. That Remus would've gotten out of Azkaban and found some way to get him a letter to at least ask if he was alright after what had happened that night they were forcibly parted. He knew that would be the very first thing the werewolf would do, the moment he could get access to a piece of parchment and an owl.
But there was no letter. Not from Moony, not from Mr. Greengrass or anyone—Harry didn't even know who would care or know to inform him but he did not care that he couldn't think up a name of someone but he was getting a bit desperate in his hope that please, just someone tell him.
From where he sat in Charms, he had a perfect view of the large glass windows over Professor Flitwick's small head, where that unbelievably blue sky was mocking them all. The almost full moon was just about set now and disappearing more every second.
It'd be full tonight, at just about three in the morning. He knew because he'd triple checked and had really fucking hoped he was wrong. But he wasn't, because every source he checked said the same thing.
So why wasn't there a letter?
He was so not interested in his surroundings that he only broke out of it when Neville elbowed him gently in the side and he snapped back down to earth, blinking a bit and realizing half the class was looking at him.
"What?" He blurted out, confused—and then realized Percy was at the front of the classroom and was beckoning him.
"Professor McGonagall asked me to fetch you, bring your things," he relayed, clearly repeating it and some people snickering when they realized he'd been caught daydreaming. While being pulled out of class was not that unusual, how confused he was clearly caused a stir and the rest of the class started whispering along with their giggles at his expense.
"Everyone settle down, there's not much of class left! Let's focus so we can get the practical work done and you can be off to lunch," Flitwick attempted to regain control of the class as Harry just shot Neville smile and slipped out after Percy quickly. At least now he had an excuse for why he wouldn't know this class material, not just that fact he'd made no attempt to listen in the first place.
"Do you know what this is about?" He chirped up to Percy who shook his head.
"I know she's extremely busy with the aurors in the castle right now, but she asked me to bring you to her office. I figure its time sensitive if she pulled you from class," He offered and Harry hummed, mulling that over.
"Probably, but I wonder what it is," He agreed.
It probably wouldn't be that nebulous talk she'd threatened earlier as Percy was right, she wouldn't pull him from class just for that. That didn't leave a lot of options but he did assume it was most likely something to do with Sirius again—as everything this week seemed to be. Harry had been thinking about the trial and the aftermath for months now, but to everyone else it was the hottest news since Voldemort fell apparently so there'd been a lot of gossiping / arguing about it and teachers asking if he was okay, amongst other nonsense noise.
Maybe it was about Remus though! He knew it was a bad idea but couldn't help but feel his heart lift as his hopes rose and he walked a bit faster, keeping pace with Percy's long strides to nearly lead the way as he recognized their target was McGonagall's office. Seeing he seemed to have a handle on it, the prefect let him go the last stretch alone and wished him well, Harry not hesitating to just barge in as he normally did now.
Mouth open to greet McGonagall and get to the bottom of it, he froze solid with no words finding their way out of his throat to realize his favorite professor was nowhere in sight, and a stranger was standing waiting for him— leaning on the Transfiguration professor's desk with arms crossed in an extraordinarily intimidating manner.
He had a mild heart attack for a second before realizing he did in fact know this stranger.
"Mr. Potter!" Amelia Bones stood up from her lean, dropping her crossed arms and putting a hand up politely. "Sorry if I scared you, it seems you were expecting someone else. I didn't hear a knock," She apologized and Harry was going to pretend like he hadn't just entered a teacher's office without, in fact, knocking at all. He'd do it to McGonagall's face but behind her back seemed a bit disrespectful, particularly to the head of the DMLE who somehow did not look like she fit into a school setting at all.
"Ah, it's alright, I just wasn't expecting…" He trailed off, glancing around but nope, no teacher in sight. That seemed… suspicious.
Madam Bones gave him a wry smile, inclining her head as if to confirm the thoughts Harry was keeping in his head.
"You have good instincts, but I actually did this on purpose as I wanted to speak with you privately. There's been a lot going on and I wanted to hear from you directly without your teachers hovering over your answers." She confessed, and Harry realized that… kind of made sense.
It took a moment for him to weigh his options, but then it clicked.
He stepped into the office to shut the door behind him properly.
That's right, she doesn't trust Dumbledore either… which means she probably doesn't trust McGonagall. Talking without either of them around is her saying she doesn't want them knowing whatever this is about.
Which was honestly fair, and Harry would be in the same boat if he didn't already claim McGonagall as his favorite teacher too, so it was kind of a conflict of interest if that was the right term. But the sly reference to their shared foe had him disregarding the surface level suspicions, because he really wanted to know what she was about to say right now.
Besides… as much has he did not like aurors, this was also Susan's aunt. She'd proven nothing but strict and fair during the trial and in their letters and… well, if anyone was going to know about Remus, it'd be her, and he was absolutely going to take the chance to try and bring it up. Anyone else and he was closing the door in their face and running because the situation set off all sorts of red flags for him but…
He needed to take the chance.
He was on edge though, even as he offered her a polite smile—the same one he gave McGonagall at first when he wanted her to like him and not be too suspicious of his ulterior motives.
"That makes sense. Hello then," he greeted and she smiled back in much the same way.
"Hello there, Mr. Potter. It's nice to be able to speak to you properly in person—I thank you again for the chocolates ."
"Nice to meet you too, Madam Bones. You can call me Harry though," He offered and she gave a smile that crinkled her eyes.
Up close she looked very nice, to the point Harry would've been fully fooled if he hadn't seen her kick-ass mode during the trial. When she smiled she looked insanely young with a round face and French braid over her shoulder, not even a laugh line or distinct wrinkle in sight, though that might be because Harry didn't think she smiled or frowned much at all. Which was crazy since she seemed very believable when she smiled.
"Susan told me about your Slytherin habits, I know they like last names to be polite." She admitted and Harry perked up. He knew Susan told her aunt everything!
"I'm not that much of a Slytherin! The sorting hat gave me a choice but I never regretted choosing Gryffindor," He flashed her a grin that had her chuckling.
"I'm glad. Not many get that choice, much less one like that." To be a mix between the snake and lion house had to be rare—nearly everyone he met mentioned it after all, to the point it was getting old. "I won't waste too much of your time, but before we speak you should know I've warded this place from any curious ears. Hogwarts has plenty of them to look out for."
"It's the paintings, right?" He cut right to the chase. "They can all talk and move and they report things back to the Headmaster."
Which is why they were here. To talk about things Dumbledore, and all his supports, might not want to hear.
She pressed her lips into a thin line, giving a tired sigh as she gestured to the chairs in front of McGonagall's desk. She took one and he took the cue to take the other, both aware that he liked she wasn't speaking from behind the desk but also that it could very well be a manipulation tactic too.
"Probably." She allowed, the niceties dropping as they got down to business. "Dumbledore has never confessed or admitted to this fact, but I can only assume."
Harry made a face.
"If he did admit to it, he'd also have to admit he always knew my dad and his friends were animagus then, right?"
Madam Bones paused, her blue eyes flickering over his face in an entirely unreadable way. The hesitation itself though told Harry everything he needed to know, that while she did suspect, given their letters, seeing it in person was... well, he knew what was coming.
"You're an exceptionally quick child, you know that?"
"So I've been told," He couldn't help but be snarky since comments like that were seriously getting old at this point.
She just snorted a small laugh. "Susan told me to watch out for that tongue of yours, but I think it's more because she hasn't had a lot of time around other houses much yet. Once you're free of the restrictions Hogwarts puts on you, you realize how diverse the world really is." She eyed him again, "I think you're probably far ahead of the curve on that."
"Well my best friend is a Slytherin. House lines were never going to stop me," He couldn't help but be a little cheeky, and she offered a small smile of truce.
"Keep that attitude, it'll do you good." With that she leaned forward in her chair some, face still youthful as if he were talking to a seventh year, but her posture suddenly belying the fact she was way, way older than that. "I won't keep you from your classes long, but I wanted to speak with you plainly, since you seem to have a good head on your shoulders for what you want. Susan says you're extremely self-assured and with how many people have been involved in this nightmare of a trial, I wanted to hear your take. I apologize it's taken me this long to come speak with you, as I'd hoped to catch up with you earlier, this week has just been too hectic."
"My 'take'?" Harry blinked. He'd pretty accurately guessed this was about the trial but this was… new.
Madam Bones rested her palms on her knees flatly, being plain with her words.
"I'm not sure if you realize how convoluted this whole trial process was. Some parties made it happen, others vehemently opposed it… there was a lot of messy politics happening and unfortunately Sirius Black was like a chew toy a lot of dogs were fighting over. No one seemed to truly care about his innocence, just what his freedom or imprisonment could do for them politically. As you're probably already aware, Albus Dumbledore was one of them. So was Minister Fudge. Most Gryffindors might take alarm to this, but given what Susan tells me of your opinion the house rivalries, I'm sure you won't be shocked to hear a lot of various Slytherin names were also involved."
He had no intention of revealing just how involved he was with some of those Slytherin names to make this happen, so he just nodded.
"I don't know everything but… my Slytherin friends mentioned their parents were involved too." Greengrass and Malfoy specifically, he knew, but he did wonder what others she was referencing right now. He had no doubt he'd come to learn eventually though, since there was no way they'd stay silent long. "I know my housemates might think there was something evil going on in that they wanted Sirius out, right? I know it was all just for politics to them though."
She looked him over a beat too long once again, but nodded back.
"So you knew the Slytherins were on the side of his freedom. And that the headmaster and minister… were not."
"Yes." He confirmed for her, and knew his expression probably matched how her face darkened with the shadow of what all that implied.
"Did you know he was innocent?"
"No," He lied, but looked down a little guilty since she was an ally. "But I know Slytherins… if he really were guilty then it wouldn't benefit them to get him a trial. They must've known he wasn't, which is why they tried so hard, probably to pull one over on the headmaster or Fudge."
"You know more about the situation than I did then, until just recently at least." She admitted, moving to press her fingertips together in tension.
He couldn't really respond to that as he had no idea how true it was or not, so he just shrugged.
Her blue eyes fixed on him in that unreadable way again, but this time she didn't hesitate.
"Harry… what do you want out of this?"
"What?" He blinked, not understanding.
Amelia clicked her tongue in mild annoyance—not at him but seemingly at the world in general as she glanced at the door behind them. "A lot of people were playing with Black's freedom for their own means, but in the end that makes him your godfather. He has a legal right to claim guardianship of you, and the papers are certainly ready to frame it like you will be going with him, but is that really what you want? You are welcome to stay in your current situation if you'd like. I could talk to Sirius to have him give up his claim, or we could work something of a shared custody out if you want the option. I figure he's a stranger to you at this point, so don't feel the need to automatically agree to live with him if you aren't comfortable with it."
I… what?
Harry couldn't move, just… stunned to his core.
"You're… asking me?"
"Of course. Not many people do these days, do they?" She shook her head wearily. "Black's freedom was clearly something people were using for their own political gain, but he is your godfather so the two of you will end up being the most impacted by their actions. I just wanted to be sure you were okay with it before you get shoved in a room with someone you don't know and he offers to adopt you, since I know that's exactly what he'll do. He's impulsive but well meaning like that," She explained in genuine sympathy, a slight tone of apology for the situation they were in… although it was in no way her fault.
Harry…
Well, he burst out crying.
"Harry!?" Amelia panicked for all of one second at the sudden outburst before it seemed to click that despite the very mature tone the conversation had taken thus far, this was just a child who'd been put through quite a lot this past week. Longer even, though she didn't know it. Harry almost jumped when arms were suddenly around him, and she was much softer than the scary auror persona would have you believe.
He sunk down and couldn't help but lean back into her, though he was really just trying to hide his face in his knees as he sobbed, not really sure where all of this had come from.
Except he did know.
He'd found solace in the fact that nothing would stop Sirius from saving him from his relatives, and the sheer idea that someone—even a well-meaning someone—had the power to stop that single handedly made him feel like he was free falling. Countering that unholy terror was this odd sense of shakiness, like he wasn't sure what to do with himself now that someone was just… what, asking him what he wanted? That they'd just… do it? If he asked?
And for some reason he really did believe Madam Bones would. She spoke to him at the same exact level he pretended to be, but she was also more than reasonable and understanding if he had childish thoughts and desires too. Like not wanting to leave the people he'd grown up with just to be whisked off by some strange wizard he'd never met and who, until four days ago, everyone thought was a mass murderer and a traitor. If he were a normal kid who'd gotten a normal life then obviously she would be concerned that the papers were setting up a situation that would pressure a twelve-year-old to change his living arrangements just to appease the gossip articles. She didn't see Harry Potter the celebrity or some prodigy or even some property that needed to be moved from one house to another for reasons adults claimed only they could understand.
In this moment Harry was very sure this woman just saw him as one of Susan's friends. A kid who needed to be protected just like she'd protect her niece, because that's what reasonable adults with guardian-less children did.
Remus was one thing. Moony was amazing and talked to him like they were intellectually equals but still was soft around the edges and playful in every way Harry had never been. Madam Bones was exactly the same except she could do something about it.
Remus couldn't even save himself, as much as that burned in his heart and as much as he loved him as his godfather in the eyes of magic only, Harry worried about the werewolf even more (way more) than he worried about his own future. This woman had her own life, her own family and power to protect it all separate from anything Harry did or didn't do… but she was kind enough to offer a hand and just be a fucking sane adult for once. Her offer was absolutely groundbreaking for him and yet she'd said it like it was just so normal—like she'd be checking in with the same questions no matter if he were Harry Potter or some other orphan the papers had never written a single article about.
And that's because she probably would be doing exactly that.
"I'm sure this is all very sudden and overwhelming. You don't have to say anything right now if you don't-"
"I want to go with Sirius," He cut her off, unable to bear her finishing that sentence and thinking for even a second that these tears meant he was hesitating about his decision. His bluntness caused her to blink, but she didn't stumble.
"If that's what you want, I just wanted to be sure you were comfortable. This happened all so suddenly your muggle relatives might not even know yet-"
"Don't tell them!" He yelped, head whipping up and seeing her startled expression knew that being a reasonable adult might actually backfire here since yeah, a normal teacher or government official dealing with an orphan might, you know, contact their legal guardians at some point during this process. He'd been coasting on the fact no one in the wizarding world was reasonable at all and wouldn't care to talk to a bunch of muggles—and so far he'd been right.
Seeing her shock melt into a flicker of suspicion he knew his hastiness had betrayed him, but he was so overwhelmed he forgot what his lie was supposed to be here.
"I—I mean they--th-they aren't—!?"
"Harry," She cut him off with a gentle hand on the top of his head and he snapped his mouth shut. "Deep breathe." She commanded him sternly and he found himself obeying that tone even if being bossed so directly like that usually had his defiance flaring. She really did not seem like the person to cross, and even his temper seemed to know that.
Besides it did work in that he caught his breath—and his thoughts.
And it didn't take long to realize he wasn't going to get a chance like this again, with someone who actually had the power to change things and… and, you know, might actually care too.
"I ran away from them, last summer." He blurted out, "Th-they… they did horrible things and I ran away. I was the one who begged my Slytherin friends to let me stay with them instead of ever going back there and their parents probably already knew Sirius was innocent and could get me away from them so they helped. I would go with anyone so long as it's never my relatives ever again, and—and Sirius was my parents' friend, so they said," It all came out in a rush, and Amelia had come to kneel by his chair to help sooth his tears, but now leaned back and stood, face shutting down.
"What?" There was anger in her voice and iron in her eyes, the softness disappearing and the head of the DMLE seeming to resurface in an instant. "What did they do?"
She was looking down at him now and… he quailed. He did open his mouth to try and nothing came out.
"… just please don't make me go back there." He pleaded quietly.
"Of course not—absolutely not," She corrected herself, eyes ablaze. "I know you could have come to me, or many others who care for you… you went to the Slytherins though at least which was good," As she voiced her thoughts she seemed to be talking to herself through what had happened, and came to the conclusion of what he'd done. With Dumbledore in the picture just reaching out to any old adult was probably too dangerous since…
"You know why," He sniffed back his breakdown, angrily wiping tears away with the back of his sleeve. His voice still wavered from the cooling tears but it was all being replaced by that righteous anger at all that had been taken from him. "I read my parents will—I was never supposed to go to my relatives in the first place. You know exactly who put me with them without ever double checking that they weren't—that they even wanted me ever. You know exactly who wanted to keep me oblivious and keep everyone who should've been my actual guardians away from me even if it meant putting an innocent man in jail," He accused.
Despite claiming to not be a Dumbledore face, even Madam Bones looked outright… shocked at the accusation.
"…that's a serious claim."
"But you know who did it." Harry insisted, burning his eyes into her to beg her not to be as stupid as everyone else. She already didn't trust the headmaster, and she knew the law and how it worked better than anyone… she had to make the connection to how Dumbledore had abused it to create this situation.
He didn't know blue eyes could turn so dark, but he did now. Going off her expression, she thankfully did seem to reach the same conclusions he had, though it looked like it rattled her some to get there.
"I suppose I do." She finally relented, her face flickering only a moment from her stern anger. "I'm sorry, Harry."
An apology was… well, he wasn't sure what it was.
"I want to go with Sirius, no matter what." He repeated, and she was already nodding, putting a hand on his shoulder tightly.
"I'll do everything in my power to ensure it happens then. Not that it will take much, it seems everyone is expecting that to be the result anyway, I just wanted to check you were okay with it," She agreed immediately. Harry was only half relieved, the other half of his concern still burning as bright as ever to the point he couldn't help but seek her help childishly once more.
"What about Remus?"
"Re—ah, Mr. Lupin." She realized, and her eyes glanced at the door again for some reason.
"He didn't do anything other than be friends with Sirius years ago: is he still in Azkaban?"
"I signed his release papers yesterday when Sirius' sentence was officially closed. You are right he had nothing to do with it and should not have been arrested in the first place," She agreed, audibly annoyed. The fact her gaze kept glancing away told him that she knew exactly who'd done it and was pissed at them. But… it was also a huge systemic issue and couldn't fire all her aurors for being against werewolves or she'd be out of aurors.
Harry had already given the shitty situation of werewolves a lot of thought, and just the fact she was openly admitting it was wrong meant she really could be trusted. There was always more to do about it but… that was why he was going to be Minister someday.
"But is he out yet?" He needed to know.
"I'm not sure, but I'll put my most trusted man on the case." She promised him, squeezing his shoulder tightly, but he just bit his lip harshly.
"The full moon is tonight though… will he be okay?"
Madam Bones frowned, then sat back in her seat tiredly. "I'll be straight with you, it is unlikely we'll be able to get him out before tonight. I know it shouldn't be that way but… unfortunately the entire process is unkind, no matter how I've tried to improve it. I also can't just walk in there and unlock his cell—even I need the minster's permission to even enter the island and if I started letting people out without approval I'd be in a cell myself within the hour."
Harry's heart dropped. You needed the minster's permission to even enter? Azkaban was on an island?
Fudge was probably super distracted trying to save his career in vain right now, but he was 100% sure the man was corrupt and petty enough to ensure no one got permission to even visit the werewolf that had been the red herring that destroyed his reputation until it was too late.
Seeing his expression she gave a defeated bow of her head.
"I know. It will not be easy but the hope is that Fudge will be out of office within a couple weeks, and in the interim before a new Minister is elected then control of Azkaban will come to me. I promise you Harry, the second I get it then Mr. Lupin will be out of there. In the meantime I'll have one of my best aurors try and force the release paperwork through anyway—he'd an oldie whose trained half the current force, including the guards at Azkaban so maybe they'll let him get away with an early release with or without the minster's cooperation."
Harry knew she was only working with the tools she had, within the law as was her duty. It was all she could do and it was still a lot more than anyone else for sure. That, combined with Mr. Greengrass also working on it behind the scenes, maybe… maybe if Remus could be okay for just this one night then by next full moon maybe…
He nodded silently, unable to trust his voice but very purposefully, very painfully choosing to believe her. With what she had, though it was limited, he did believe she'd do her best.
Whether it'd be enough was to be seen but… maybe asking and believing her was all he could do.
"Harry…?" She brought him out of his foggy worries, and looking up at her again she seemed to hesitate—the longest yet so far before making her decision on what she wanted to say. "With this new perspective I guess you wouldn't… really care who it is, just so long as it's not your relatives, but you should know… Sirius is a good man."
Harry felt his mouth open slightly in surprise, not having seen that coming.
"You know him?"
"I do." She gave a hesitant smile, eyes warmer than they'd been thus far as they scanned over his face carefully. "I'd already been an auror ten years when he graduated Hogwarts. Your father and he joined the corps together, I happened to be one of their supervisors. Let's just say you come by it honestly with that sass of yours."
The tears still kind of on his cheeks had gone cold; he couldn't help but straighten up.
"You're friends with Sirius?"
"Well," She instantly backpedaled, wincing a bit. "At this point, I'm not sure. I'm… I'm sure he's furious with me, and he has every right to feel that way. While I may not have been in charge of the DMLE at the time, it's still my people who were ultimately responsible for arresting him in the first place." She grimaced. "When he's recovered I would like the chance to catch up with him, though I suspect it will mostly be just us airing our grievances. I can't say we were friends exactly eleven years ago, as he was just this cocky brat that reported to me and gave me gray hairs by running off headfirst into fights without backup… but I do respect him greatly."
Her expression softened again, soothing out her own fears as she reassured the wide green eyes looking at her for answers.
"When he's out of the hospital I'll take the chance to apologize, and we'll see where it goes from there. Even if he never forgives me though, he's a good man. I remember when you were born, the utter mess he and James were… he's a stranger to you now but since you're intent on going with him anyway, just know he'll do his best to do right by you. He's scatterbrained as hell but he'll do his damn best, he always does."
For a moment, Harry was just speechless. She was right that he really hadn't given living with Sirius that much thought as anything was better than Privet Drive, and he'd already chosen to trust the guy based off Moony and the twins' opinions but… hearing it from a third party yet again felt different.
For the first time he actually imagined it. In his head he had both Sirius and Remus back, no matter the form… he imagined them somewhere a lot like the small cottage where he and Moony had enjoyed their Christmas. Madam Bones was recounting that he was scatterbrained, so he probably wouldn't be able to cook and that would still be something he and Remus did… but he was reckless, and childish according to the twins, so maybe he'd be the one running out into a snowy forest at night. They'd both been marauders, but Remus had withdrawn so much from the sassy Mr. Moony he sometimes saw when he borrowed the map. Sirius would most likely also be a bit more shaken and unsteady than the overly confident Mr. Padfoot but even if he were half as flippant he'd still be pretty damn wild: defiant of rules and more interested in the laughs than the seriousness of it all (ironically).
Harry could relate.
Or… the him from a year ago when he was first charging into Hogwarts in search of magic and friends without a care in the world for anyone who was about to tell him something stupid like 'no' could relate. Now he was just empathizing with someone he used to be, and thinking maybe he'd have been peas in a pod with whoever Sirius Black used to be. He had no idea where that left the two of them though, now that neither of them were those people anymore but… maybe they'd still be able to relate in some ways.
Maybe it wasn't just some guardian, any guardian he'd gotten, maybe it would be better than that. Like how nervous he'd been to reach out to Remus and how fast he'd been unable to live through losing him…
He shook those thoughts off, knowing he'd spiral if he spent too long there.
What he did know about this unknown future of his, was what he wanted out of it—even if he'd only ever get pieces.
"I don't know where we'll go but if we have someplace… like a house or something, and we can have visitors, then you and Susan should visit." He decided, and Amelia didn't seem overly shocked though her smile was tinted with sadness.
He did have an ulterior motive: Sirius needed allies, not just him. He was a child, what would he do.. but Amelia Bones was a fantastic ally in many ways. And if they were already kind-of on good terms and it was awkwardness that was preventing them being genuine friends, well… he'd never let something stupid like fear or rules prevent him for making a friend and he hated to see it stop others too.
Madam Bones was not stupid and seemed to understand that mostly. Thankfully… she didn't seem to disagree.
"We'll see." Her lips pressed into thin smile. "I would like that, if I'm welcome."
The unspoken elephant being it really would depend on Sirius. He had every right to be angry and Harry knew sometimes the heart was irrational so… it really would just depend on if he was even open to being friends again with people he'd already lost once. People that, from his perspective, had absolutely abandoned him.
There was a chance he wouldn't be okay with it and… Harry knew he wouldn't be able to force the issue either. Still, a part of him wanted to be able to invite friends to his own place without fear or needing to hide everything about his home life, and honestly Susan seemed the most safe out of everyone. Draco and the Malfoy family as a whole was no doubt going to be super complicated as Mrs. Malfoy was literally a blood relative to Sirius, and Neville would be too terrified to really be that comfortable… both wouldn't leave his side if he asked them not to but it wasn't the same as it being as easy of having a friend over like it was something normal kids did. Susan coming over with her aunt and her breaking his shins while playing some football in the garden and their guardians talked over some drinks seemed like exactly the sort of normal Harry really, really wanted.
The kind of normal he didn't think possible until this mental image appeared before him, and he was honestly really hoping that maybe things would work out that way for once.
"Okay." He agreed, not pushing further. He bit is lip some, the concept of gratitude still weighing like an ugly anchor in his mind, but he ignored it. "Thank you… for asking."
"I'm sorry more people don't." She gave him a firm nod, as if it were business as usual, before hastily looking at the door, apparently sensing something he didn't by the flicker of annoyance across her expression. "I have to leave shortly, but before I go there isn't anything else you want to share? Any concerns about this arrangement? I'll keep you informed as I hear updated from St. Mungo's on Sirius' progress." She assured him and going by the very pointed, but calm look she gave him, he knew the offer was for more than just his summer plans.
If there was anything specific he wanted to share about the Dursleys.
Which he did not. He knew he should but… her believing that he didn't want to go back without question was enough for now. He suspected her being an actually responsible adult for once was intending to do something if he gave away any more information about his treatment and… well, he'd learned his lesson with Moony. She might have had power but Harry did not believe for a second Dumbledore was going to stay gone as he was, and then she'd be his next target if this somehow pushed her to interfere more than she already was. She'd go from an obstacle he could go around to something he needed to remove to continue with his plans and Harry was not about to put anyone else in that sort of situation.
"I just… I want to go with Sirius. I know Dumbledore is going to try and stop it though." He hedged, and she let it go but clearly knew he was holding back. As he suspected she didn't push or demand more information, but his response was definitely noted and she was not about to let it drop entirely… but he'd deal with it later when the issue came round again.
"If anything happens, contact me." She ordered him point-blank, face shutting down into auror mode once more. "Sirius Black is your official godfather and he's already put in the request to have that recognized by the ministry. He needs to be cleared by St. Mungo's before it's approved but there should be nothing stopping it now that the courts have declared him sane. Dumbledore is not in a position to interfere with that."
"But you were going to offer to stop it if I didn't want to go with him," He challenged and she smirked once.
"I'm one of the people who approves the paperwork, kid. I could've refused to sign, but now I'll be sure to make my signature extra big so no one misses it." She gave him a wink and he couldn't help but actually smile in return at the show of playfulness.
"No one else can do that?"
"Nope. Technically it's just Sirius and me who need to sign it, everyone else is replaceable."
"Is that Valencia lady still representing him?"
"That she is," Harry breathed out, because that was certainly a relief. "I see you read the transcript already." She commented and he froze.
Oops… well, she's an ally so…
"Er… Mr. Malfoy actually took me to attend the trial in person." He admitted and she did a full double-take, the horror in her expression betraying how very much she disapproved of that. He could only give her his most innocent smile, though willing to be sheepish about it. "I had a seat on the Wizengamont and I wanted to vote!"
"…" She glanced at door once more time and sighed, standing. "I really have to go, so I'll let that slide for now."
"Thank you, Ms. Amelia. Really." He hopped to his feet as well as he could sense the conversation was about to end by whatever had her attention, and he wanted to be genuine for a second. As genuine as he could be as he could be to thank her for… whatever this was.
She let her attention come back fully to him one last time with a genuine smile of her own, this one actually managing to crinkle her eyes as she ruffled his hair—much to his grumbled complaints.
"No problem kid. Just hang in there, we're doing the best we can."
000
Remus woke, knowing that he'd regret not just staying asleep.
There was nothing to be done though. Nearly his entire life he'd tried to block out the transformation, to sleep through it or find some kind of alcohol or potion to get his mind as far away as possible from what was happening to his body, but it never worked. Werewolves in human form were mildly resistant to magic, but in wolf form were almost entirely immune—no potion or spell ever stuck and he was forced to live it as clearly as if he'd done nothing.
He pushed himself up and winced, but refused to lift his head much farther from the stone floor between his two human hands. He knew what he'd see, so there wasn't any point in distressing himself further.
The moon was getting close.
Maybe it was the completely lack of warmth, or the harsh wind and damp air that raced through the cell, the sickly sweet scent of despair in the air… somehow his senses were on edge, clearer than they ever were.
Or maybe it was because he was closer to fresh air during the edge of a transformation than he'd ever been. It was always the shrieking shack, his parents' basement, the underground cage he'd found himself in for the most recent years… now there was bitterly cold sea air coming in through the single window on the door and if felt like he could smell the ocean so clearly he could see the curve of the waves themselves. His hearing was probably the best it had ever been, the stone that Azkaban was made of making even small sounds echo loudly so he already knew what was happening around him before he even opened his eyes. The weather was calm and still despite how ungodly cold it was, the waves outside small and gentle against the rocky shore.
The room had been shadowed even in full daylight, but now as the night grew thicker and even the screams of Azkaban drifted off as most people found some semblance of sleep, he saw the stone in front of him oddly encapsulated in a silvery light.
It made him want to throw up.
He'd always had a visceral reaction to fear, but overcame it just as physically as it appeared: by swallowing it down and inhaling as much air as he could. He knew logically that he actually really loved the smell of the sea that came with the breath, but at this moment he hated it.
That was just the dementors though, thankfully far from his cell right now as they drifted here and there. It was only occasionally they'd drift by, and thankfully only for the time it took them to glide down the hall or outside the window. They'd only stood by his cell for the day after he'd first been tossed in here, maybe as an intimidation tactic… or probably just a tactic to subdue anyone who had too much fire, because he certainly felt like he had nothingwarm inside of him anymore.
This was… not good.
He'd been trying not to think of things and make this entire experience worse, but he knew the second the pain started his mind was going to get ripped down into a spiral of dark thoughts he wouldn't be able to claw his way from any better than he could avoid the wolf itself. He'd been trying hard to pretend for his own sake that things were okay, but deep down he knew they were not and as soon as his body started slipping from his control he knew those thoughts would bubble up from the depths he'd tried to bury them and there'd be nothing he could do but drown in them.
Worrying that Harry was safe.
Wondering what had happened to Sirius, if all of this was for nothing.
Knowing everything he'd ever done was to try and not end up in this position despite the fact half the world was just waiting on an excuse to let him rot here, only to have properly failed.
And he had failed.
It was mostly himself he'd failed, since everyone he'd ever loved had long since moved on without him. The only people left were Harry… and Sirius. And he'd failed Harry by not having the decency of at least being arrested where it wouldn't add to that poor kid's trauma instead of making it infinitely worse, but he also didn't even know if doing all that had even helped Sirius in the end either. If he wasn't broken by eleven years in this horrid place and freeing him wasn't actually going to fix anything.
It was hard to think. It was just… his mind refused to work and he didn't know if it was the coldness or the dementors or just his own thoughts doing it to him but it was hard to think.
Even so, he knew he didn't want to think either. This was bad enough without adding coherent grief into it too.
It had only been a couple days but it felt like a lifetime already. Even then, this felt infinitely longer: the wait for moonrise was always the longest hours of his life by far. Precious times with people he loved or doing things he enjoyed never seemed to last more than a heartbeat but this… this hell lasted endlessly and in the place it was only lasting longer, like he could feel every second passing and each one felt like agony. He didn't want to look up out the window to give himself an indication of how long he had left because knowing his luck he'd still have hours left to wait… but he also wasn't really enjoying how his heartbeat couldn't relax in the tension of not knowing if it was about to start at any second and he wasn't ready for it yet.
He was never ready, and knew he never would be.
The only thing that managed to distract him though, was a flicker of a scent he didn't recofnizwe. Not that that was new as he didn't recognize a lot in this place yet, but this one was close—in the room with him close.
He lifted his head automatically at that realization and immediately spotted a piece of parchment on the floor ahead of him, clearly having been slid under the door perhaps when he'd been unconscious. He did not recognize the scent on it but it was for sure human, and recent.
It wasn't like he had much else to do and the distraction was welcome as he pushed himself up enough to grab at it, flipping it to see the neat, oddly upright scrawl on it spilling out not just a note but a full letter.
.
Dear Mr. Moony.
My name is Edith. I do wish I could have been able to speak with you in person, as I've heard many kind things about you, and think we would've gotten along just fine. I do sincerely apologize that a real conversation may be beyond our reach at this point.
You may or may not know, but I am the legal representation for Sirius and am helping him navigate his innocence. We've spoken in depth, about everything at this point, as I needed to know it all to be able to successfully defend him. He has thankfully been very cooperative and has told me everything he has ever known, so forgive me if I come off a little too personal, but from all he's spoken of you I feel as if I already know you well. It is in that spirit that I felt the need to tell you, one way or another, that though I write this the eve of the trial, by the time you are reading this he will be a free man. My word may not mean a thing to you, but you have it anyway.
You deserve to know the truth that only a few do, and I hope you can at least accept it, if not the more herculean task of perhaps forgiving me for my part in it all. The worst sin of all being that I cannot have him running off the eve of the trial to run to your side as I know he would, so I will not be telling Sirius about where you are until it is too late for you.
You see, we are working on clearing your name and securing your release, but there is little to no chance it will happen by the next full moon. Going off what I know of your situation, I think it is clear to the both of us that you will not live much past that night, whether you are freed or not. I do—sincerely—apologize. Most particularly because I did know you would be arrested in all this, but it is your imprisonment that has given us the opportunity to clear Sirius' name. Fudge was far too distracted by placing the blame on you that he failed to intercept my plans to have Sirius declared sane, something that will let his own word be enough to get him his freedom.
And Sirius is sane, Mr. Moony. It is very important you know that, because he told me something that I found so critical that it was worth the risk of smuggling a letter into Azkaban just to tell you. This place will steal your good memories, your warmth and your energy. Do your best not to look back on happy things, as they will only be tainted to the point you will forget you were once happy during those memories at all. Do not think of happy things to escape the darkness, do not cling to warmth to get out of the cold. You must think of only things that are neither happy nor sad, as those are the things the prison cannot take from you—and they will keep you sane until we can release you. Sirius has been declared mentally fit for the trial by several healers, and he claims vehemently it was because he was innocent. It was neither a good nor bad thought, as his innocence had never saved him—but he was never driven mad by guilt either, as many other inmates are.
As a solicitor who is as impartial as humanly possible, believe me when I say that you, Remus Lupin, are an innocent man. You being a werewolf is no more a crime than my being a woman. It is no more a crime than Sirius being born a Black, or little Harry Potter being an orphan. You would not judge them for those things, would you? You have to know they feel the same, and if you love them then now is the time to believe them. You cannot torment yourself along with the dementors, or it will kill you faster.
Harry was told about you, and encouraged to reach out to you specifically for this trial, but it was something I know he did happily once he learned your name. I have heard he's a sweet kid that has gotten a terrible lot in life, and was thrilled to have met someone that had the same story as him. Sirius, in telling me his tale, always ended up circling back to you—be it advice you'd once given him or all the ways he feels he's failed you in recent times. He is a man who holds your opinion in such high regard that he seems lost without wondering what you would do if you were here beside him. Their hearts will be broken to lose you, so I beg you to hold on for as long as you can. Cling to the thought that they will be reunited shortly, if only to mourn you. Perhaps it will be bittersweet enough to carry you to freedom, so that at the very least you will be able to say goodbye in person.
I am deeply sorry for the part I have played in your suffering. I very much hate the fact there will be no way for you to respond to this, I can only hope it is enough to give you some motivation in the end, and live the rest of my days regretting not knowing if I was of any help at all. It is in sincere apology that you have my word I will ensure Sirius and Harry are as safe as I can protect them with the feeble law at my disposal. And while it may be insanely disrespectful and unwanted of me to say it, I want to thank you for your unwilling part in all of this too. We would be nowhere without you—a sentiment that I know Sirius feels strongly to this day.
I wish you all the luck in the world Mr. Moony, and do still hope that I can thank you in person someday soon.
Kindly,
Edith Valencia
.
Remus put down the parchment, his fingers feeling… numb.
Honestly… it was a bit of a relief, to finally have some answers. Sirius would be okay, he had to be… and he'd take care of Harry. Of that he was sure.
And he didn't know this woman but this letter was all very…
…he sighed, sinking into his knees from where he'd sat to read the note tiredly. It didn't matter, did it? While there was still twinges of hope and snippets of expectations woven into the message, the core feeling of regret and apology was too strong that he couldn't shake the thing he'd been trying to ignore since he got here. It was very different in him telling himself to stop being so pessimistic, another thing entirely to have someone else say the words he'd been trying so hard to convince himself were just lies he told himself because he really was the coward people called him.
Was he going to survive this?
He couldn't even think straight now, what hope did the wolf have? It never really thought things through in the first place as it self-destructed under the best of circumstances, so when it opened its eyes in this sort of place where it would only hate and scream and claw even more than it already did….
There wasn't even a rope or anything to tie himself down with in here, he knew the wolf would go absolutely wild and he was going to pay the price for it—either in never waking up tomorrow or managing to at least live until the moon set and then being far too broken to physically survive this horrific cold for much longer. His arm was still not fully healed from when he'd failed to tie himself down all the way and the wolf had broken it for him last moon. He almost didn't want to wake up tomorrow to face the inevitable aftermath.
Except defeatist thoughts like those were a betrayal to Harry. He couldn't just give up, even if it would be easier—even if he was so fucking tired and the coldness made him want to shut his eyes more and more each minute. Even if there wasn't really anyone waiting on him outside these walls, with Harry and Sirius finally safe it would only put them in more danger and bring them more scorn to have a werewolf in their lives even if they were kind enough to want him there, even a little. Even if it wasn't just him thinking it, but this lawyer and who-knows how many others out there fully assuming he wasn't going to live past this full moon.
Even if he was too tired to even want to defy their expectations this time. Just this once it would be so much easier to roll over and let the river run its course, instead of constantly fighting the current and only just barely managing to not drown each and every day despite the fact it never got any bloody easier.
Just once he wanted something to be easy.
He inhaled as deeply as he could and tried not to lose himself before the moon had even risen, because he'd come this far damn it… and no, nothing was easy and it wasn't going to be easy right until his final breath. He would not give in because he could've given in a million times before but then he wouldn't be here, finally doing something good for the people he loved, though this time it really did seem like the end. He would continue to swim and he'd continue to drown and it would never get better but he'd follow this path as far as he could until it came to an close.
It was not up to him where the journey ended. He'd told himself that a million times, and he told it to himself one more time as he did his best to shove all those useless thoughts of a fantasy world where things were easy away from him like they were poison. And they were poison to him—a sweet, tantalizing poison he would give nothing more than to drink.
But he didn't.
At this point he didn't even know why he bothered, but he still didn't give in. Plain, stupid stubbornness maybe.
He closed his eyes and let the pain wash over him like an old friend as he finally lifted his head to look up, the parchment in his hand crumpling as he fisted it tightly as a reminder that he needed to cling to something to get through this. Something neither good nor bad she'd said and so…
The moon was… well.
Themoon had been his only companion for such a long time that while it did always instill a fear unlike any other in his heart at the sight of its silvery light, there was also something… oddly comforting about it too. Even in a place like this.
The eerie shine of its face had never once been warm, so how cold and unpleasantly silent it was had not changed even here in the drafty stone cell. He was never exactly happy to see it, as always it echoed this feeling of shame, fear, and even disgust. It was objectively beautiful but also the source of what felt like every ounce of anger and frustration Remus had ever had sometimes.
All those complicated thoughts and feelings about it, but those things had not changed since the day he first lost his humanity under its heartless glow. Even here where the damp horror in the air leached warmth and happiness from every bit of the room, his skin, his bones, the feelings didn't change. The moon rose and it was as if he were a child again, his father locking him in the basement and silencing the door, as if he were in the Shrieking Shack with friends around him with encouraging words, as if he were locking the shackles around his own wrists after years of the clinically horrible process without a soul in the world knowing or caring that the night ahead would be hell on earth for him. The moon rose and his world was reduced down to the feeling of terror and shame that rose up his throat like bile and tasted like the crumbled ashes of whatever pride he'd gaslit himself into thinking he'd ever had.
It wasn't a new feeling though.
Twenty-eight years, and this was the 331st moon he'd ever faced with lycanthropy… and no, the hatred hadn't changed much since that first moon as a child.
He was not happy to see the moon.
But at this point it was also an old friend in the way none of his actual friends had ever been.
Meaning here.
Through thick and thin, it had never once left him even when there was nothing else in this world that had ever been so consistent or steadfast. No matter how much he'd screamed or cursed or cried, the moon would not fall from the sky and he knew it wouldn't; he'd accepted defeat on that front long ago. He could live eleven years here like Sirius had but for sure each night the moon would watch him suffer, and every full moon it would cause his suffering itself.
He sat on the floor, in the only patch of light that shone through the barred opening at the top of the door. Just his luck that this cell was perfectly angled that he got a front row seat to the incoming moonrise this time of year, and he could tell by how light the dark night sky was that it was nearly here.
Luck… right.
He felt his fingers shake and his heart beat just a little faster in panic at the mere idea of the transition that awaited him. If it were just the one night—not even a full night but a single moonrise—he often thought that would be one thing but… it was also the fear that never went away. It was the days leading up to it that he lived in constant anxiety and stomach-churning terror about what he knew intimately was to come. It was the several days afterwards that he needed to try and regain his strength or wait for injuries to heal or just catch up on rest (though he had never actually been able to do that unfortunately). It was the rest of his life where every other decision he made or person he met or conversation he had or action he tried to take was marred by what others thought of his disease. In here at least he wouldn't face being asked to leave shops by those who feared his very presence, but everything else…
In here there would never be anything to distract him away from what he was. It was one night a month but every single minute he was forced to live out here would just be the anticipation of the next one. The moon would never fall from the sky and he would never be free.
Not just of the cell, he knew his heart was really thinking. They could open the door right now and he could run, flee into the ocean waves and try to disappear but the moon would follow him. It'd follow him down into the far colder depths of the sea where the moonlight seemingly couldn't touch him, but its curse still would. What did it really matter if he was here, or there, or anywhere in between?
The sun would always rise… the sun would always set… and the night would always come for him.
The consistency was a comfort just as much as it was a shackle. A foundation he'd built is life on the same as it was a wicked curse.
Is this what she meant by neither good nor bad? He wondered to himself, bowing his head tiredly again when he realized even if it wasn't, he didn't have any other ideas. Was he supposed to accept that he was a werewolf? To get over it if it meant seeing Sirius and Harry again?
He let out a startled, bitter laugh that was ripped from his lips as if the dementors had brushed by to snatch it themselves.
There was a time when he'd had everything in the world. He had Sirius, he had James, he had Peter… he eventually had Lily who knew all about their secrets and they were still kids still a bit off from graduation where they'd be forced to face the ongoing war. He didn't have to ever see his father ever again to face his wrath, he was safe in the normal, routine rhythm of Hogwarts where he got to learn interesting things and spend time with friends who he loved with everything he had, and who loved him back. He had them even during full moons where he'd wake with Sirius sneaking him chocolate in the soft hospital wing beds and the lot of them planning their next prank to take his mind off his aches and pains. He had fun and life had been okay for once, to the point that James had actually managed to convince him that things would still be okay even after graduation. That they wouldn't break apart even when things got harder (they always knew it'd get harder), and they wouldn't leave him behind no matter what.
There was a time Remus had actually, genuinely believed that too.
And yet, even then… even then he had still never been able to be proud of who he was. He'd never been able to get over the wolf, the shame, the fear. Even when he'd had everything and he'd been at his happiest in life he couldn't find it within himself to actually believe he was more than just the werewolf he'd been cursed to be.
Now, even with his own life on the line and him facing down the barrel of breaking Harry's heart all over again if he couldn't hold it together tonight, he still knew he couldn't do it. There was just no chance.
And it tormented him not just because it stung to know so instinctually how broken he really was that he couldn't even lie to himself anymore, but also because it meant he was failing the people he cared about again.And there was nothing he could do about it but know that it was his fault, again.
A flicker of coldness different from the feeling of Azkaban trailed over the back of his neck, and he cursed, dropping the parchment to slide his fingers in his hair and grip on tightly, trying to brace himself but knowing it was useless. The moon was rising.
He needed to think of something better than this or he'd fuck it up yet again, but even as he panicked and tried to scramble for something to cling to, his desperate grasps found nothing but guilt and self-hatred that he wouldn't be strong enough now that people were actually counting on him. He knew he was only making things worse but that didn't mean he could suddenly do anything about it.
He didn't know how to get out of this vicious cycle though. He tried to think of Harry but could only imagine the tears on his face, the screams he'd cried that hurt him worse than the silver burning into his flesh at that very moment. Bright, steadfast Harry who loved color and his friends and soft clothes and hot chocolate for breakfast—
--but all he felt was shame that he couldn't give him any of that. That he'd come into his bright little life and ruined it.
He turned to Sirius instead, thinking maybe, just maybe, that the bittersweet feeling of being validated that he'd been right that he was innocent—!
—immediately destroyed by the knowledge that he'd known he was innocent this entire time and still hadn't been able to save him. The memory of Sirius once breaking apart at the seams when his past came to eat him alive and how Remus hadn't been able to bring him any comfort or break him out of his hysterics because he wans't enough to be there for him. Not back when they were kids and not a single day since.
But Sirius would forgive him, right? They'd both remember how James and Lily had held the tiniest of tiny humans in their arms and showed them their godson, how James hadn't quite been able to stop crying for at least a week and how weepy he got every time he saw his tiny little son that gave them all so much hope in what felt like the darkest of times in the moment. Sirius would understand how those dark days were nothing—how things had only gotten worse when that baby who held every bit of their dwindling hope had been ripped away from them. How they'd both sworn on their lives to Lily that they would be there for her son and how neither of them ever had the guts to disobey her when she got demanding like that.
Sirius would forgive him if he just remembered that this was for James… for Lily… for Harry and all the important things he represented. The only important thing Remus could cling to, being the knowledge that Harry would live.
And maybe he'd be happy too, somehow.
But… even that small hope he managed to get his hands around slipped away, like mercury disappearing though his quickly numbing fingers. His bones began to burn deep inside him and he knew it was too late as the pain started to mount—slowly now but any moment it would cause an avalanche and he'd be ripped under the agony with no choice but to be carried along in its merciless weight.
Sirius wouldn't forgive him.
Because for as much as they both had loved James, how Sirius would've died for that man had he just gotten the chance to, how he would've burned the world and everyone in it to protect Harry, for what was left of James' in his smile, to protect Lily's sonand god he'd never been able to say no to Lily—
Sirius would still never forgive him, because even if all that were true he was still going to be told one day soon that Remus was dead, and they'd never get that chance to make things right. The one chance to just say hello or goodbye, one more time, the one thing he knew deep in his heart that the two of them had been clinging to all this time no matter if that hope had always been an impossible, painful thing.
And it would be gone, and so would Remus so there'd be nothing he could do, but Sirius would remain. He wouldn't follow him because he had Harry but he knew deep in his heart that Sirius would never forgive him for that.
He knew he wouldn't because as the pain started to grow, Remus felt tears streaking down his face helplessly and the same sense of betrayal in his own heart. Sirius wouldn't forgive him because Remus couldn't forgive him either, for missing all the chances they still had left in life.
He couldn't get over it.
His heart was breaking and he felt the transformation starting properly now, but instead of screaming he knew he was sobbing too. The wolf had an even better sense of smell and in the moments before he lost his mind entirely, it hit him the thing he'd buried since he got here, shoving it so deep within his mind that he'd managed to convince himself it wasn't true.
The cell smelled like Padfoot.
It wasn't just the wolf invading his brain this time—no he was actually losing his mind and it had nothing to do with the moon rising outside. He inhaled to scream in hopes someone would hear—
—and a wolf howled out in complete and utter, inhuman agony for its lost pack.