"Tch, whatever. If you don't want me to know, I don't want to know anyway!"
"I'd rather spend my time offering another prayer to Lord Jashin than waste it here."
Hidan eventually walked out of the cave, grumbling and cursing under his breath. Once outside, he found a comfortable spot, clutched his Jashin Amulet, and began his routine prayers.
Back inside the cave, Kakuzu returned after seeing Hidan out.
"He's praying. He definitely won't come over to eavesdrop. You can speak now."
Kakuzu's eyes were fixed on Senya, his gaze heavy with an invisible pressure. If even a single detail of the upcoming plan felt off, Kakuzu would immediately begin to doubt everything Senya had promised earlier.
"No problem."
"Before I begin, I want to confirm—everyone here is familiar with Hidan's ability, right?"
Senya hauled a wooden stand to a higher vantage point. Pain silently stepped to the side, yielding the center of the room to him.
"We are," Kakuzu answered flatly.
"Hah! Of course we are. That guy has no intention of hiding it—he's loud and obnoxious about everything! Doesn't he know that information is a shinobi's most vital asset?" Deidara complained, looking annoyed.
"You're one to talk," a raspy voice drifted from within Sasori's puppet, Hiruko.
To summarize, everyone in the room knew exactly how Hidan's ability worked. They even understood his personality flaws. For example, they knew that while he was outside praying, his fanatical devotion to "Lord Jashin" would prevent him from committing the "sacrilege" of eavesdropping.
The Akatsuki members assumed that Pain had briefed this "candidate strategist" on Hidan's abilities, so Senya's knowledge didn't strike them as odd.
"Hidan's Death Controlling Possessed Blood is incredibly powerful," Senya began, pinning a stack of papers to the wooden stand one by one. "As long as he obtains the enemy's blood, he can link their bodies and reflect any damage he takes back onto them. Since he's functionally immortal, the only real bottleneck of his technique is—how to get the blood."
He began flipping through his "low-budget PPT."
"My initial thought was to steal the Secret Techniques of the Aburame Clan from Konoha and have Hidan sign a contract with a mosquito Summoning Beast..."
"Good grief, that's twisted," Deidara muttered, swatting at a stray mosquito in the cave, looking genuinely disturbed.
"The problem with that plan," Senya continued, "is that if the Aburame Hiden were stolen, Konoha would be on high alert. They would specifically watch out for insects. Even for the Aburame, mosquitoes have poor stealth against a Sensory Ninja. If there are too few mosquitoes, they won't draw enough blood for Hidan's technique. If there are too many, they're easily exposed. Furthermore, given Hidan's fanatical faith, whether he'd even agree to a summoning contract is another matter. So, I scrapped that idea."
"Next, I considered several other options, like disguising ourselves as a neutral medical organization to promote voluntary blood drives... but I rejected those as well."
Senya kept talking. Even though he hadn't reached the core of the plan yet, the Akatsuki members found themselves listening with rapt attention. Perhaps it was the novelty of the "PPT" format, or perhaps it was Senya's strangely logical train of thought.
"Finally, I settled on a perfect plan. Its only flaw is that Hidan can never know about it."
Senya suddenly pointed toward the "pitcher plant" figure below. "Zetsu."
"Hmm?" Black and White Zetsu tilted their head in confusion.
"Zetsu is responsible for intelligence in our organization. He is the undisputed master of infiltration and stealth, correct? Zetsu, would it be possible for you to infiltrate the Five Great Shinobi Villages?"
Senya knew all about White Zetsu's terrifying camouflage and infiltration abilities—abilities the rest of the Akatsuki didn't fully appreciate yet. He asked the question primarily to highlight this fact to the others.
"I can," White Zetsu answered. "No problem at all. But what am I infiltrating the Five Villages for?"
Even with their Sensing Barriers, White Zetsu could slip in during shift changes or maintenance. Even without those openings, he could simply touch a Konoha ninja, copy their Chakra, and pass through the barrier undetected. In the original timeline of the Fourth Shinobi World War, it was nearly impossible to distinguish friend from foe until Naruto gained the ability to sense malice.
"I need you to do one thing," Senya said. "Go to the public restrooms and the private latrines of high-ranking ninja in the Five Villages... and collect some items."
"Huh? The toilets? You're not asking me to collect poop, are you?" White Zetsu looked strangely excited, perhaps even a bit bashful.
"Uh... no." Senya's lip twitched. Why the hell are you blushing?
"As we all know, women have certain... monthly cycles..."
"Don't look at me," Konan snapped. Her expression darkened as Senya's gaze shifted toward her.
It couldn't be helped; Akatsuki was a total boys' club with only one female member. Senya quickly looked away and continued his presentation.
"In short, Zetsu only needs to collect that discarded sanitary waste. Combined with Hidan's ability, we will effectively hold the lifeblood of the entire shinobi world in our hands!"
The moment Senya finished, the cave went deathly silent. It was as if everyone had suddenly dropped dead.
Konan, in particular, seemed to have stopped breathing. In that single instant, she resolved to incinerate all her trash from now on to ensure she never fell victim to a pervert like Senya.
"Wait, Byakko, what's with that look?" Senya asked, noticing Konan staring at him as if he were a monster. "I'm proposing a serious strategic plan here! Do you see a flaw in the logic?"
"I see a problem," Konan said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "What about the male ninja?"
"It's common knowledge that nine out of ten men suffer from hemorrhoids," Senya explained matter-of-factly. "Take the Tsuchikage, Ōnoki, for example—the man throws his back out just by walking; he almost certainly has them. White Zetsu just needs to collect the blood from his discarded... wipes. As for the Fourth Raikage—he's physically powerful and might not have that issue, but it doesn't matter. As long as our sample size is large enough, we effectively have countless hostages. Even those we can't get blood from will be deterred by the threat, unless they are emotionless hermits with no one to care for."
"Yes! Yes! That old man Ōnoki definitely has hemorrhoids! I knew it!" Deidara cheered, waving his arms excitedly.
"...How perverted," Konan sighed.
"No wonder we have to keep it from Hidan," Kakuzu remarked, completely unbothered by the "perversion" and focused solely on the analysis. "With his personality, if he knew the blood came from there, he'd consider it a desecration of his 'Lord Jashin' and refuse to cooperate."
Sasori remained silent, huddled within Hiruko, silently thanking whatever gods existed that he had abandoned his flesh. He never had to worry about a pervert like this coming after his hemorrhoids.