Chapter 249: Eat, Eat, Eat — Eat Yourself to Death, You Little Punk
Land of Grass
Kusagakure
"Old man, does this chakra flow pathway for the Light and Heavy Rock technique seem a little off to you?"
The shinobi coalition had officially come together, and the five most powerful shinobi in the world had already sent word flying back to their respective villages via hawk.
Since Kusagakure sat only one border-crossing away from the Land of Wind through the Land of Rain, the five Kage decided against returning home to mobilize their forces individually — they simply stayed put in Kusagakure instead.
And to set an example for the troops below, the leadership had temporarily set aside their grudges and started sharing meals and lodging together.
They'd requisitioned a fairly spacious residence within the village, and the five Kage weren't just staying here — they'd also turned the place into a makeshift coalition headquarters.
At the moment, Sakura lay sprawled across a couch in the first-floor common room, waving a scroll toward Ōnoki, who was just about to head out.
Across from her, a heavily muscled Killer Bee sat expressionless in front of the television.
He genuinely could not understand how his life had come to this.
His own brother's killer sat lounging just a few feet away, looking thoroughly at home, as if this were her own personal residence.
And he was just... sitting here watching TV?!
Big Brother...
I have failed you...
Killer Bee could practically see his late brother, up in heaven, flexing his impressively developed muscles at him in disappointment.
Utakata, for his part, was equally baffled.
Yesterday, he'd taken a brutal beating, and lost every ounce of dignity in the process.
He woke up to find the summit had already ended — and now he was just expected to live under the same roof as these people?
No. Wait. Did anyone even ask my opinion on this?
I never agreed to this, damn it!
I'm the Mizukage!
The Fifth Mizukage!
The dignified, esteemed Fifth Mizukage!
...Oh, but if he objected, would Pinky just personally come and move his belongings for him herself?
...Never mind, then.
The Mizukage was on board with the arrangement.
Utakata munched on sunflower seeds, watching Killer Bee flip through channel after channel on the remote with a blank, resigned expression.
Gaara stood in the kitchen, faintly transfixed by the sizzling beef tongue popping and hissing on the pan in front of him.
It had actually been his own suggestion, originally — to set an example for the rank and file, the idea of the five Kage sharing a single residence.
Tsuchidai, from Kumogakure, had then voiced approval, arguing it would help build stronger relations across the coalition — which had left Gaara genuinely touched.
With Tsuchidai's blessing, Killer Bee naturally had no objections either.
Sakura, as Hokage, had simply said "whatever."
Ōnoki had struggled a bit to keep up with the impulsive whims of the younger generation, but his granddaughter Kurotsuchi had voiced agreement on his behalf anyway.
As for Utakata... he genuinely couldn't care less either way.
What Gaara hadn't anticipated was that proposing the idea would land him the job of... chef, for all four of them?
Apparently none of these exalted, all-powerful Kage knew the first thing about cooking.
Only Gaara, having been forced to learn out of childhood necessity, ended up as the de facto master of the kitchen — keeper of the rice, oil, and seasoning, culinary god to five Kage.
Meanwhile, Ōnoki stood in silence, staring at the pink-haired girl asking him about her forbidden technique's cultivation, his expression sagging.
Is this brat really this comfortable just striking up conversation with me?
You do realize the "living together" thing was just for show, right? Did you actually take it seriously?
You're really going to just casually ask an old man about his village's sacred secret technique, right out in the open?
Aren't you at all afraid I might deliberately give you the wrong answer just to spite you?
"Old man?"
"Getting a little senile there?"
Sakura looked at Ōnoki, puzzled by his long silence at the top of the stairs.
Her words drew a slight sideways glance from both Killer Bee and Utakata.
Did the Tsuchikage actually hand over Iwagakure's secret techniques to the Hokage?
Aren't Konoha and Iwagakure's relations always on the verge of falling apart?
Or was all that distant, standoffish posturing just an act — and the two villages actually trust each other deeply behind the scenes?
Ōnoki, without missing a beat, noticed both Killer Bee's and Utakata's expressions shift — and a flicker of understanding dawned on him.
I see now!
Is this girl actually doing this on purpose?
Using a "casual" secret-technique consultation to demonstrate an unbreakable Konoha-Iwagakure friendship right in front of the Raikage and Mizukage — so that whenever Kumogakure or Kirigakure thinks about scheming against either village going forward, they'll think twice!
No wonder she's Hiruzen Sarutobi's chosen student and successor. Sharp as a tack, this one!
At that thought, Ōnoki cleared his throat and stepped closer to Sakura.
Watching Ōnoki approach, apparently genuinely willing to help, Sakura blinked, caught briefly off guard.
She'd honestly just been letting her mind wander for her own amusement, if she were being fully honest.
She hadn't expected the old man to actually be this generous about it.
"Where's the confusion?"
Ōnoki walked up to her, wearing an expression of "grandfatherly kindness" so exaggerated it gave Sakura a faint chill.
Still, since the old man was genuinely offering to help, Sakura wasn't the type to be stubborn about it — she pointed directly at the problem spot on her scroll.
"Right here is..."
Ōnoki identified the issue without hesitation.
Just a minor snag — one that, given Sakura's own ability, would've cost her half a day of frustration at most.
"Cool, thanks — I owe you one, then—"
Sakura said the words reflexively before her brain caught up with her mouth, and she cut herself off abruptly.
The whole thing with Han was still fresh on everyone's mind — one careless "I owe you" had already caused this much chaos!
Careless words invite disaster! Careless words invite disaster!
Ōnoki, meanwhile, hadn't actually expected to get anything material out of this pink-haired girl — but hearing her words, his eyes lit up unmistakably.
This Hokage genuinely took her word seriously.
Just a spoken promise to Han before — and even though she'd clearly been reluctant to get involved in the whole Mōryō business, the second Han called in the favor, she'd committed troops without hesitation.
And notably, she'd started arranging her forces even before the Five Kage Summit had officially begun.
Which meant she'd clearly already intended to back the Land of Earth regardless of whether the coalition itself succeeded or failed.
Just as Ōnoki was eyeing Sakura hopefully, Gaara's voice suddenly rang out from the kitchen.
"Food's ready."
Those three words landed with almost perfect comedic timing right on the heels of Sakura's abrupt silence, creating the distinct impression that Gaara had interrupted her mid-sentence.
!!
Enough!
Kazekage, you're ruining my golden opportunity here!
Ōnoki glared daggers at Gaara, who walked in carrying a tray of steaming hot food.
Eat, eat, eat! Always with the eating!
Eat yourself to death, you damned Kazekage!
Carrying the food, Gaara looked at Ōnoki's fiery glare with genuine confusion.
What's wrong with the old man? Does he not like my cooking?
Should I look into some proper Land of Earth cuisine, then?
Then again, if I only cater to his tastes specifically, won't that upset the others?
Well — I'll research some Earth Country dishes this afternoon, improve his diet a bit.
With that resolved in his mind, Gaara offered Ōnoki a polite smile and walked straight past him, out toward the yard.
Since the whole "five Kage living together" arrangement existed purely for show, they made a point of eating out in the courtyard, where the coalition shinobi stationed nearby could easily glance over the low fence and see all five Kage getting along in perfect harmony.
In short — pure theater.
The intent might have been fairly transparent, but it beat doing nothing at all. And most rank-and-file shinobi wouldn't overthink it anyway — they'd just see their own leader sharing a friendly meal with the others and take it at face value.
Ignoring Gaara heading out to the courtyard, Ōnoki turned his creased, wrinkled old face toward Sakura, his tone gentle.
"Didn't you just say you owed me a favor?"
Sakura looked at that wrinkled, beaming face with open distaste.
"Let's call it a chicken drumstick I owe you."
Watching Ōnoki's whole demeanor, Sakura could tell exactly what he was angling for without even trying.
A chicken drumstick?
Eat, eat, eat!
Eat yourself to death, you little pink punk!
Ōnoki felt, in that instant, as though he'd just watched a billion ryō slip through his fingers.
—
Land of Earth
High in the sky, a white bird soared toward the Land of Rain's border, angling toward the Land of Wind.
Kakashi's brow furrowed slightly as he watched the Shrine Maiden Shion, seated quietly on the bird's back, allowing herself to be escorted onward without protest.
Their squad had retrieved the Shrine Maiden from the Iwagakure escort team without incident.
But...
Something about her behavior was off.
Something felt genuinely wrong to Kakashi.
According to the intelligence Ōnoki had provided, this Shrine Maiden, Shion, had refused to cooperate with the Iwagakure squad at every turn — even hurling insults at them repeatedly.
So why was she acting so demure and obedient now?
"Hey, why's Kakashi staring at her so hard?"
"Don't tell me he's fallen for the Shrine Maiden."
Deidara leaned in toward Temari, his tone conspiratorial.
Temari eyed the blond man, a bead of cold sweat forming on her temple.
Never mind the age gap between Kakashi and the Shrine Maiden — just looking at her...
Well, fine. She really is quite beautiful.
Even Temari, princess of Sunagakure herself, had to admit the girl's looks.
But no matter how you sliced it, Kakashi didn't strike her as the type to be distracted by a pretty face.
"Notice something?"
Darui, sensing that something was off with Kakashi, spoke up.
Of this squad, Deidara was too flighty and Temari too young — Darui and Kakashi were the only two with real seasoned experience.
Kakashi kept his gaze fixed on the Shrine Maiden before him, and the words that came out of his mouth left the other three visibly stunned.
"May I ask — who exactly are you?"
At Kakashi's question, Deidara was the first to react.
"Hey, hey, hey, Kakashi, what's that supposed to mean?"
"You're saying this woman isn't actually the Shrine Maiden?"
"You're kidding, right?"
No matter how Deidara looked at it, the girl before them was clearly Shion.
Not a trace of a Transformation Technique anywhere on her body, no sign of any disguise.
If the Shrine Maiden before them wasn't actually Shion — then who could she possibly be?
Kakashi's question drew tight, focused stares from not just Deidara but Darui and Temari as well.
Everyone searching for some flaw, some crack in her disguise.
But...
Nothing.
Her appearance matched the intelligence report exactly. This was Shion.
Yet Kakashi was known for his caution and reliability — he'd never make an accusation like this without cause.
And still, none of them could find a single flaw in the girl before them.
"According to the intelligence, the Land of Demons' Shrine Maiden Shion, feared by everyone for her ability to foresee the deaths of those around her, deliberately puts on an act of being difficult and unruly to keep people at a distance."
"But this one, from start to finish, hasn't said a single word."
"Her personality doesn't match the intelligence at all."
Kakashi's voice was grave, but "Shion" simply continued watching the four renowned shinobi before her, calm and silent.
"During her escort under the Iwagakure squad, she reportedly tried to escape multiple times."
"And more importantly..."
Kakashi glanced down past the flying bird, toward the terracotta army still relentlessly advancing on the Land of Demons far below.
At several hundred meters up, that hundred-thousand-strong army stretched like a great black serpent across the earth, still marching forward without pause.
The terracotta army's entire purpose was to track down the flesh sealing Mōryō within the Shrine Maiden's body.
They'd just recovered the Shrine Maiden — and yet the army below showed no sign whatsoever of changing direction.
That, right there, was ironclad proof that the girl in front of them was a fake!
"Tell me. Who are you?"
Kakashi was now fully certain — this was not, in fact, the real Shrine Maiden.
From the very first moment he'd laid eyes on her, something had felt wrong.
And yet, in every conceivable way, her appearance matched the intelligence description of the real Shion perfectly.
There was no faking that level of accuracy.
"As expected. Kakashi Hatake, is it?"
"Your reputation reaches even the most remote corners of this world. Meeting you in person, I can see it's well-earned."
"Shion" finally spoke.
"Tell us. Where's the real Shrine Maiden?"
Darui's expression darkened as he stared at the woman before him.
If the real Shrine Maiden hadn't successfully been extracted, and the terracotta army got to her first —
It wouldn't just be them. Countless others would pay the price too.
"This one serves as the personal attendant to the Land of Demons' Shrine Maiden. My name is Tarusui."
"Shion" — Tarusui — spoke.
"...?!"
"Wait, I thought the intel said this Tarusui guy was a man? And not even a shinobi?"
Deidara stared at the person calling herself Tarusui, and no matter how he looked at her, she looked nothing like a man to him.
"It's a secret technique unique to my clan — the ability to transform a person, flawlessly, into an entirely different appearance."
"Regardless of gender, one can become exactly the form they picture in their mind — but each person may only use it once, in their entire lifetime."
"And I have used it exactly once — to become the form you see before you."
Tarusui answered Deidara's question calmly.
"We don't care about any of that. Tell us — where is the real Shrine Maiden?"
Temari's expression turned grim as she stared at Tarusui — but noticing the landscape below still steadily shifting, she rounded furiously on Deidara.
"You idiot!"
"You're still flying toward the Land of Wind!"
"Turn around! Back to the Land of Demons!"
But Tarusui simply looked at the four of them, calm and unmoved, and answered:
"Lady Shion possesses the ability to foresee the deaths of those around her."
"Seven days ago, for the first time in her life, Lady Shion foresaw her own death."
"As Lady Shion's personal attendant, I will not allow her to come to harm — not by even the smallest degree."
Kakashi's expression darkened as he looked at Tarusui.
"So you deceived us with this technique to buy her time."
"Yes," Tarusui confirmed.
Kakashi swallowed the unease building in his chest and looked at the man—turned—woman before him.
"So no matter what we do, you won't tell us where she is."
Tarusui answered without hesitation, "Correct. Please — kill me."
His goal accomplished, he had no further desire to live.
"Did it ever occur to you that it might have been your own reckless meddling that caused her to foresee her own death in the first place?"
Darui put the same question to him.
But Tarusui said nothing.
The moment he'd chosen this path, he'd already accepted death as a certainty. Nothing anyone said now was going to change that.
"Deidara. Head toward the Land of Demons, following the terracotta army's direction!"
Kakashi's voice was cold and sharp.
(End of chapter)
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