"She shouldn't even be awake right now, Lucifer."
"You think Calli burned through it all already?"
"At this point, who knows? You said these…Phoenix Tears in her blood were activated at some point, though. Any idea what a Phoenix is?"
Lucifer shakes his head, grimacing as he says "She's got a story about being bitten by a Basilisk and cried on by the school phoenix. So…healing tears. Other than that, I'm coming up blank."
Leviathan shrugs elegantly, saying "Well, it has to be related to fire somehow. Her hair glows at the ends and she caught fire at the tail end of her fight with that Eve person." And burned Eve's face off with her bare hands, just another reason to not piss this woman off - no matter how horrified she looked when it happened.
Lucifer winces, then mutters "Yeah…" And both he and Lilith know that's going to be keeping her awake for a while - they eventually got the stories of all six of her years at magic-school, all the 'adventures' she went on, and the very idea that an eleven-year-old had to kill someone or be killed in a school she was supposed to be safe in was absolutely horrifying all on its own. The fact that he turned to ashes at Calli's touch, that his face disintegrated under her hands, was even more horrifying - and now, now she's literally burned Eve's face off.
Life-or-death situation or no, that's going to drag up a shit-ton of repressed trauma Calli almost certainly never got to deal with the first time around. And they can all bet deep-cleaning her kitchen - yes, it is her kitchen, unquestioningly - isn't exactly letting her process the detail that she burned someone's face off in close-quarters. If anything, it's likely doing double-duty as a distraction for her as well as punishment for Vox and Velvette concerning Valentino's actions.
Plus…there's no way Calli would use that kitchen ever again if it wasn't deep-cleaned to within an inch of its life.
Asmodeus facepalms hard, then says "So, in short, Calli really shouldn't be up and walking around right now, much less deep-cleaning the disaster-zone my new least-favorite being ever left her kitchen as, the pain meds Belphegor gave her almost as soon as waking up have worn off in a fraction of the time they should've, and we all get to convince her to either sit down for about twelve hours or try to pin her down while Bel gets another dose in her. Am I missing anything?" And she can turn into mist, so good luck with that.
Their best bet would honestly be just putting Emily and CHarlie in front of her, telling them to give her the biggest, saddest eyes possible until she gives in.
Mammon says "You've also gotta figure out what to do with all his contracts. A studio only needs so many people. Want some help with that?"
"You do know it's just this vile idiot's new eternal punishment, right? At the same time, we want everyone else to be willing to work there." Which means they can't stoop to Valentino's level of how he treats his employees - not that they would, no matter how tempting he makes it to do so to him.
Mammon crosses his arms, muttering "I'm not that bad a boss…"
Asmodeus growls lowly, flames flaring up as he snaps "Fizz." He found Fizz having a panic attack in his dressing room, that isn't a sign that working for Mammon was all sunshine and roses!
Mammon glares back at Asmodeus, so Lucifer flies up between the two of them and says "Back on track, guys!" The last thing any of them needs right now is Asmodeus and Mammon leveling the Hotel in a grudge match.
Bee nods, then says "Calli, right? So, uh, Luce? Quick question…how'd she and the Radio Demon get to be a thing?"
Lucifer groans, running a hand through his hair - that's not back on track, but it's closer to on track and it's less likely to result in a straight-up fist-fight or war between Greed and Lust. Plus, he's sure everyone else is just as curious as Bee about how Calli ended up in a relationship after all this time.
Shrugging after a moment, Lucifer says "Alastor showed up at the Hotel and offered to help get it up and running before Calli returned to Hell. She came back about two weeks after that, and crashed an Overlord's meeting to get some information about why she was kept away so long. Alastor walked her back here…and, well, things happened from there." He has to admit, Alastor isn't the worst match for Calli - he's intelligent, has manners, he can actually be funny and charming when he wants to be, he probably was the whole way back to the Hotel, and he's got a ruthless streak that Lucifer can't help but respect.
He may not have liked the guy at first - getting a piano dropped on his head tends to do that, though he can absolutely see why the guy was so pre-disposed against him from the very start after hearing all the voicemails Calli left him - but he could admit even then that Alastor was far from the worst of humanity that could be found down in Hell. Plus, the guy has guts and a spine of steel, calling the literal devil out on something.
Satan says "This is also off-track, guys. How are we gonna make her sit down for five minutes, much less take a nap or something?" Nobody actually has an answer for that - nobody in the room has ever been able to make Calli do anything she doesn't want to, after all.
Frederick comes down right then, flopping onto the couch next to Lucifer and throwing an arm over his eyes. "For someone who apparently never considered himself father material before dying and meeting Calliope over a century after his death," he mutters, "that ex-Sinner is extraordinarily protective of his daughter. I'd tell him my approach to boys wanting to date Helsa, but…"
Lucifer asks "But it's Seviathan?"
"But it's Seviathan. I'm going to have to make sure he's Hell's most perfect gentleman for Emily." Because he's under no illusions that Alastor won't have Seviathan's head on a platter if he hurts Emily.
As much as he wants to laugh at the idea of a mere Sinner harming a Von Eldritch, there's three reasons why he won't with Alastor - the first reason is that, even as a Sinner, the Radio Demon was always someone nobody wanted to cross, everyone all the way down to Envy knew he's powerful, ruthless, and extremely intelligent.
The second reason is he's now no longer a Sinner Demon, he's like Calli is - not bound to Pride Ring anymore, is now just as suffocatingly powerful as Calli is when she unleashes the weight of her magic on a room of uncooperative Demons who want to go to war on Heaven, and just as literally impossible to kill.
The third reason is that he knows all too well what it's like, watching some random boy make eyes at his daughter and think he's good enough for her.
Charlie, Emily, Loona, and Via come down the stairs, Helsa and Seviathan close behind them with Bethesda, Alastor shadows in…and then Velvette's voice shrieks out "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Calli yells "Move! Before they get- shit!" A swarm of…something suddenly flies from the kitchen, moments before Raphael, Gabriel, and Michael Materialize into the room, and it all descends into absolute chaos as Calli comes running out, Velvette dragging Vox behind her.
Lucifer grabs one of the little creatures, only to see it's a fork…with little limbs and wings.
Velvette shouts "How'd this even happen?! You just nicked yourself on a knife, dammit!"
"And then my blood got in the potion we were soaking the silverware in! I'll explain- get outta my hair, dammit!"
Emily snatches a fork out of her own hair and tosses it, embedding it in the wall it lands in tines-first, Calli snatches at the spoon that decided to start spinning in her hair and stuffs it into a jar she makes, then yells "Everyone grab a jar! Whoever has the most of these guys when this is all over gets a year's supply of whatever magic candy from my world they want!"
Loona lets out a battle-cry, snatching three silverware flying around the four of them, and says "Hells, yeah! Via, how good are you with-" She catches a jar Calli made appear on the nearby coffee table that comes flying over in a dark purple glow, and grins before saying "Let's get this shitshow going!"
Charlie ends up holding the jar, catching sentient utensils as they get tossed her way - including several clumps of them that Emily somehow manages to make by tossing one into small packs flying around - and everyone else bar Velvette and Vox quickly grabs a jar and starts grabbing at flying silverware.
Velvette trades a look with Vox, quietly asking "How good could that 'magic candy' of hers really be, V?" Honestly, that sounds more like some kinda drug of her own, to be honest.
Vox shrugs, trying not to lose anymore of his guts on this woman's hardwood floor - who the fuck knows what she'll make them do to clean that - and sends a weak jolt of electricity at the spoon headed for Velvette's hair.
After thirty minutes of mass chaos, a lot of jumping, grabbing, and frustration when the living silverware escape their jars or stab someone, pull their hair, or try to lift them off the ground by their ears, everyone's finally gotten the last of the evil little creatures into a jar and is anywhere between 'out of breath' and 'collapsed on the floor.'
Via, Loona, Emily, and Charlie all hold up their very full jars, and Loona says "We teamed up, we win! What kinda candy are you offering?"
Calli makes a Honeydukes catalogue appear and slides it over from where she's sitting next to the tv, saying "Pick out what you want, ladies. If you each pick something, I'm splitting it four ways. I don't recommend the beans, though - when they said every flavor, they meant every flavor. And the color of the bean didn't mean anything at all."
Emily, Loona, Charlie, and Via promptly open the catalogue and start looking through on the couch, Loona leaning over the back while Emily and Charlie sit on either side of Via.
Calli stares at the sight for a moment, then swallows. They…may have created the Marauders 3.0, having Loona and Via live with Charlie and Emily full-time. Because that's looking scarily like how she once imagined her father with Remus, Sirius, and Pettigrew when they were in Hogwarts.
Lucifer, thankfully, brings her out of her thoughts by asking "What are these things, anyway?"
"Well," Calli huffs, staring at the jar in her hand, "they were all the silverware in the kitchen. They were soaking in the Immunizer Potion, and I nicked my finger on one. Now…honestly, they remind me of Cornish Pixies more than anything else. Except Cornish Pixies went extinct before my world died, so…"
Gabriel incredulously asks "There was something that was also sentient chaos in your version of Earth?!"
"Oh yeah. Even a small swarm - like, a hundred, yes that is small, their hives averaged about five hundred or so - could destroy a room in under a minute. Remind me to tell you about the time Gilderoy Lockhart demonstrated that to a pack of twelve-year-old students sometime."
Velvette incredulously asks "And your blood can just…what, bring shit to life?!"
Calli shrugs, saying "Sometimes. Depends on whatever mood my magic is in. No, you can't have any of my blood for your drugs."
Vox glances at Alastor - who reverted back to human form to keep the flying silverware from pulling at his ears - and incredulously asks "And you eat her blood knowing that?!"
There's a tense silence in the room at that, right up until Lucifer facepalms and mutters "Only you, Calli… I'm just going to assume you have some kind of spell putting it in whatever you make for him…"
Calli shrugs, saying "There's a spell that lets someone siphon blood into something else - was invented for Potions ingredients. 'Sides, it's not like I've never lost a little blood before or anything."
"And you're just going under the assumption that anything red she gives you has at least a little of her blood…?"
Alastor just shrugs silently.
"Know what? Whatever works for you two. What're we calling those before we get rid of them, anyway? This world's Cornish Pixies?"
Calli glances at the jar, and says "Well, this is Hell, not Cornwall. And they were silverware…"
Alastor says "Hellish Pixelware."
There's a stunned silence for a moment, right up until Calli starts laughing in hysterics, arms going to clutch at her sides as she starts giggling uncontrollably, quickly followed by Lucifer and then Charlie and Emily.
Velvette gives a dumbfounded Vox a look, and asks "Did he just…make a joke?" Did the Radio Demon just make a joke…that several people in the room are laughing at?! From Vox's dumbfounded stare, he wasn't expecting that either.
Calli finally manages to get her laughter under control, Lucifer still laughing his wings off alongside Charlie, Emily, and Frederick, and pulls her hand away from her aching shoulder to find it's red with her blood - damn, either laughing that hard or all the jumping around trying to catch the Hellish Pixelware reopened the wound Eve gave her when she stuck five talons straight through her shoulder. "Oh, oh man, I needed that laugh after the past week."
She Vanishes the jars, wincing when her shoulder throbs as she waves her hand, and then notices nobody's laughing anymore. Gabriel, Raphael, Michael, Via, Velvette, and Vox are all staring in her direction in undisguised horror, Loona looks completely surprised, and everybody else that's known her for a significant amount of time looks resigned. There's a creaking sound behind her - dammit, she's next to the tv and she's bleeding - and Charlie swallows before saying "Aunt Calli? Can you come over here? Slowly?"
Emily nods, adding "Really slowly?"
Everyone suddenly looks even more horrified, and Calli pinches the bridge of her nose before saying "The tv's coming to life."
Lucifer nods, saying "The tv's coming to life."
Calli feels the machine suddenly lift off the ground, hears a clicking sound that she thinks might be metallic legs, and makes a steel bat appear in her hand - she's already made this thing come to life, she does not want it going nuclear because she pumped it full of magic.
The entire room darkens slightly, Alastor moving to a crouching position, and Calli mouths 'Three…two…one…' Calli dives out of the way just as Alastor unleashes twenty shadowy tentacles at the living television - the living television that now has teeth as big as he does in his demon form coming out of its screen and four razor-sharp looking legs, no less.
Vox swears as the thing manages to dodge most of the tentacles, biting one of them in half before jumping over a beam of energy Lucifer unleashes on it - for having just come to life, that thing is fast.
Calli manages to hit it with her bat, but then falls on her back as it leaps onto her - luckily, the bat is bigger than the tv screen, so she sticks it in the thing's mouth sideways to hold it back until Alastor's tentacles manage to grab hold of it just as she sets it on fire by semi-accident. Lucifer then lands a beam of energy straight on its screen, sending it crashing into the wall.
"Alright," Calli groans, "sound off if you're not badly hurt. If you are, scream or something."
Once everyone's accounted for, Vox incredulously asks "Does this sort of thing happen a lot?!"
Frederick chuckles, asking "You haven't spent much time around Calliope, have you?"
Lucifer adds "That was fairly tame, compared to some of the adventures we've had together."
Vox and Velvette trade looks, and Velvette promptly says "You're all crazy, you know that? Have to be, to just roll with insane shit like that." Vox would clap a hand over her mouth and try to backtrack, but he's completely fried after the hell that has been deep-cleaning/decontaminating the kitchen and then getting ripped apart from the inside out after inhaling too many potion fumes. Besides…he's in agreement, even if that fact won't leave V-Tower.
Instead of being offended, Calli just snorts and says "One of the more intelligent things you've said in my earshot."
And then, suddenly, one of the metallic limbs sticking out of the scrap-pile that was the television suddenly moves with a screeching sound, and both Vees shriek at the tops of their lungs…and Vox shoots enough lightning at the thing to make the hotel black out as Velvette scales him like a ladder. Everyone stares at the two in shock for a moment once Lucifer relights the room, right up until Calli swears and yells "EVERYBODY GET BACK!" The ex-tv starts glowing a sickly green, there's an unnerving crackling sound coming from it, and Calli barely manages to get a shield thrown up around it before it explodes so violently that the entire building shakes.
And the wall - the freshly repaired wall, no less - gets completely decimated.
Everyone coughs as dust settles, and Lucifer takes one look at the wall before saying "We just fixed that wall."
Calli groans, falling flat on her back, and says "I swear I didn't do anything to that damn wall…"
Velvette asks "What about the wall? Val blew it up, and now the tv went nuclear on it…but what's she talking about?"
Alastor glares at the empty space where a wall is supposed to be, and says "We've been fixing that wall since the day I arrived here. Again, and again, and again. That's number sixty-two."
Vox and Velvette glance at the destroyed wall yet again, and Velvette quietly asks "We sure she didn't do something to that wall?" Vox just shrugs, carefully getting to his feet - he's still nauseous as all hell, and the 'Hellish Pixelware' incident only served as a brief distraction. A brief distraction that's come to an end, now.
"That," Lucifer says, "was much less tame. Anyone hurt after that? Calli, you good?"
Calli just gives him a thumbs-up, saying "Just give me a minute to get up, I'm pretty comfy down here."
After thirty seconds, thirty seconds Lucifer counts out loud with Raphael joining in at ten, Emily walks over and gives her a hand up…only for Calli to tackle her out of the way when the ceiling suddenly cracks and the chandelier crashes to the ground right where they were.
"Ok," Velvette incredulously asks, "really, what the hell is going on?!" Once is crazy, two is crazy coincidence, three times is a terrifying pattern
Calli rolls over onto her back and flatly says "I'm cursed. Occasionally, said curse tries very hard to kill me. This is apparently one of those times." She and Lucifer intentionally poked a sleeping dragon with a very big stick for a week straight, and this is the backlash. She's just hoping it doesn't last another week in vengeance or something.
"Fuckfuckfuck- Stolas, stay up there! Loona, Via, neither of you had better be hurt or I swear-"
Loona gets up as soon as Blitz's set of horns comes into sight over the railing on the staircase, heading over and saying "We're fine, dad. Really."
Blitz yanks her down by the arm, checking her over for injuries and brushing rubble out of her fur, then says "Alright, you're not hurt, get upstairs with Via. Now, both of you. Yes, that's coming from Stolas to. Who's attacking and who do I need to-"
"Blitz," Calli calls over, "nobody's attacking. The insanity that follows me around ambushed everyone, that's all."
Blitz glances around at everyone, a slightly disbelieving look on his face, then puts the safety lock back on his gun and says "The chaos that happens around you doesn't generally make explosions that big."
Calli shrugs as she sits up, then says "I'm not usually around a thousand volts of electricity, Blitz. Yes, the first explosion is a mild form of what can happen if I am. No, I'm not joking. We're lucky the tv didn't go thermo-nuclear with how much Vox pumped into it. The second sound was the chandelier trying to impale me."
Blitz stares at her, then again at the missing wall, then shakes his head and says "Alright…upstairs anyway, ladies. Got a question for you, Calli." Once Loona and Via are upstairs, looking very put-out by the fact - and Stolas is checking Octavia over - Blitz pulls out his phone and asks "You seen this guy? He's Moxxie's father, and Mox's freaking out because he hasn't heard hide nor hair from or about him in months."
Calli takes one look at the picture and gets a complicated expression on her face, but Blitz doesn't even notice, saying "Thinks Crimson's planning something big. He runs a Mafia ring in Greed, and last time he wanted something from Mox it was to marry him off to a sleazeball named Chad despite him already being married to Millie. Millie killed everyone at that wedding besides, Crimson, Chad, the priest who walked off, and us, though, so we figured he'd back off for a while. But he's gone silent for months now, last time any of us saw him was when he kidnapped Fizz and I and wanted to ransom him back to Ozzie over there. And that was back when Fizz was still working for Mammon-"
Mammon sits upright at once, growling "WHAT?!"
Blitz shrugs, completely unfazed, saying "Yeah. He was heading to some practice for your big contest. We ran into each other, ended up kidnapped, etc. Anyway, Crimson's real bad news and Mox's worrying he's planning something with the Hotel or some such."
Calli sighs in relief, running a hand through her tangled curls, and mutters "You trying to stop my heart or something, Blitz? Relax, he's dead. Has been for a few months now."
Blitz does a double-take, asking "Uh…come again? You're sure?" Callli nods, saying "Was down in Greed looking for Eve when we ran into each other. Didn't recognize me, but he realized I wasn't your average demon. A Sinner down in the Lower Rings, or a human that miraculously managed to not only make their way to Hell but survive there for any extended period of time…his big plan was to auction me off to the highest bidder as some once-in-a-lifetime rarity or some such."
Lucifer suddenly sprouts his tail, horns, and wings, entire body catching fire as he roars "HE WHAT NOW?!"
Velvette promptly scurries behind Vox, who pushes her behind him as she does and tries to get them both to where the couch is between them and Lucifer, even as Blitz just about jumps out of his skin - that was the single fastest transformation she's ever seen, though, going from zero to a hundred and twenty in 0.5 seconds flat, and even the other Sins are looking a bit wary.
"He exploded about twenty seconds later. It'd have been faster, but I killed about ten of his other goons in that time to." Pushing herself into a sitting position, Calli adds "He's dead, no chance of escape. Moxxie and Millie can relax."
Blitz runs a hand over his horns as Lucifer goes back to normal, muttering "Christ on a stick…remind me to never get on your bad side."
Stolas' voice drifts down "I second that!"
Loona's voice floats over, saying "Shit, that is awesome…think Emily can do stuff like that?"
"Dunno, but she hasn't exactly got the temperament for it."
Calli's phone rings right then, and she takes one look at it before muttering "Great…Paimon."
All the Sins groan at that, and Asmodeus asks "What's the feathered kiss-up want now?"
Bee rolls her eyes, saying "Who cares? Ignore it, call the self-inflated turkey back later, say you were busy with Charlie. We never did do presents, after all."
Calli nods, saying "Good point but I wish, Bee. I'll make it quick while everyone else gets set up for gifts." Hitting the accept button as people start filing up - Stolas, Via, and Loona heading back down, with Vox and Velvette not quite daring to make their way from where they're ready to hide behind the couch - Calli just puts the call on speaker and holds the phone up to her mouth, crossing her legs on the floor in the meantime. Something tells her this is going to be either so stupid it's funny or so stupid she just shuts it down immediately…or it'll be about Stolas, perhaps. "Paimon, if it's about last night's Hellquakes, you aren't the only one dealing with issues because of them." She's personally dealing with quite a few issues because of the whole debacle - as the bullet she catches before it can nail her straight in the ear emphasizes.
"No, Ambassador, this is about something altogether more serious. I've got two of my descendants here, Andrealphus and Stella here, you may remember them?"
Calli raises one eyebrow at the phone, expression going utterly unamused, and says "Yes, the one who tried to have her soon-to-be ex-husband assassinated, and the one who tried to help her cover it up. What do they want now?"
"Well, it's rather difficult to explain, actually. Andrealphus, if you would like to do the honors?"
Calli narrows her eyes at the phone, and says "One of you had better get to the point of this call before I lose my patience." This isn't what she hopes it isn't about...right? Because it should be impossible for it to be about Stolas, Blitz, and Stolas' Grimoire.
Andrealphus' voice comes out of the phone, saying "Greetings, Ambassador Peverell. A pleasure to speak with you again."
Calli's expression says absolutely everything she thinks about that, but she asks "One last time, gentlemen. Why are you calling?"
"Ah, yes, of course. You see, my dear sister here believes that Stolas is granting the Imp he slept with access to his Goetia Grimoire."
Stolas lets out a chirrup, Blitz goes stiff as a board, and Calli and Lucifer both go still in a way that has Vox and Velvette looking for escape routes - they suddenly radiate danger, and not in the same way Alastor does. The danger he inspires is based on instinct, specifically self-preservation instinct, a holdover from a lifetime of being mortal and needing to work to stay alive. Those instincts might have carried over into the afterlife, but it's a very mortal kind of terror that Alastor inspires.
Calliope Peverell and Lucifer Morningstar, though?
At this exact moment, the two of them feel dangerous on a very soul-deep level. Like no amount of self-preservation is going to be enough if either of them decides to wipe them from Hell. Either one of them could probably wipe the floor with every single soul in the entirety of Pride Ring and not even break a sweat.
Gritting her teeth, Calli asks "And what, exactly, makes you two think that?"
"Because, an imp jumped out a window in the mansion, landed right in front of Stella, and admitted to sleeping with Stolas while holding the Grimoire!"
Calli facepalms, Blitz swallows nervously, and Stolas murmurs "As wonderful as I'm sure her expression was…" They may just be fucked.
The look on Calli's face certainly implies that, at any rate.
Asmodeus is facepalming, definitely not a good sign.
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Calli says "Let me get this straight. A random Imp comes crashing down, says they slept with Stolas, and was holding a book. And that leads you to believe Stolas let them take it? How do you even know it was the right book?"
"Oh, I KNOW it was the right book, he cares more about that damned Grimoire than pretty much anything else in his miserable little life!"
"Stella, you're not helping! At any rate, the little cretin looked straight at her and said 'sorry I slept with your husband' before attempting to take off."
"Mm-hm," Calli says, pinching the bridge of her nose even as a vein in her neck starts visibly pulsing, "and can Stella identify this Imp? Say, a name, for instance?"
"Well, no, the little creatures all look the same to me!"
Calli lets out a slow breath, even as Stolas facepalms and Blitz glares at the phone in very real offense, then says "After that response, and given how classist, elitist, and downright racist you two are - likely got it straight from Paimon, if I'm being brutally honest here - I'm willing to bet you don't even believe the Imp in question even knew what it was they were holding or could use it to begin with. So just you try to convince me that this isn't a blatant attempt at getting your ex-brother-in-law in massive trouble so you can gain access to his power, legions, responsibilities, etc."
"I assure you, that is not-"
"What proof, evidence, do you actually have pertaining to this? Beyond hearsay and a fuzzy memory how many months old? Because I happen to know Stolas rather well, and I also happen to know he's memorized the entirety of Demon Law. If you seriously want to convince me he knowingly broke half the laws we have in place, everything from letting a Demon - any demon whatsoever - head up to Earth, broke all your Father's racist rules regarding Imps, Goetian Grimoires, responsibilities, etc. then you are going to need some ironclad evidence of that. Starting with identifying the Imp that supposedly had Stolas' Grimoire - and, for that matter, being sure it was the actual Grimoire and not a fake, because I know for a fact he's smart enough to have made magic-less duplicates to throw off any potential thieves."
Pinning a terrified Stolas and Blitz with a look, she mouths 'You two, Lucifer's office, now!' and gestures in the right direction. They both nod and hurry up the stairs without another word.
"This is a very serious-"
Calli snaps "Of-fucking-course it's serious, you prissy little peacock! The accusations you're leveling at Stolas are so many different kinds of illegal that it's a nightmare and a half just imagining the ramifications! Do you have any godsdamn idea what will happen if Demons are found to be just…just, what, wandering around New York or some such?! Humanity would riot, and Heaven would likely raze all of Hell to the ground, claiming to be protecting humanity from any further influence Hell doesn't actually have on humans and their choices. As such, if it were true, not even his status as a Goetia would be enough to save Stolas from punishment - and Paimon knows damn well I don't give a crap about status when a shitshow big enough to require Lucifer or I makes itself known, he knows to get the fuck out of my way in stuff like this. Which means falsely accusing someone of such a grievous crime would also be serious and would face the same consequences, am I clear?"
Vox winces at Calli's hard tone of voice, noticing most of the other Sins doing the same - why, exactly, does Alastor like this woman, again? He's now considering the two of them lucky to just be getting away from this Hotel alive, the Vees somewhat intact, and Voxtek still in business because she wanted her kitchen cleaned. If even the Sins are wary and shuffling nervously, trading looks like Mammon and Satan just traded, then this woman is someone he wants to either stay very far away from or stay on her good side by any means necessary.
Velvette leans her head over, still holding onto him like an octopus, and hisses "Don't even glance at him again until we're at least two years out from this, V. I mean it. We've already lost Val, you don't seriously think she won't rip you to shreds if given half a chance after all that insanity?"
Emily puts her arms around Calli's shoulders, resting her chin on one and leaning her head against Calli's curls, which at least makes the bright green arcing off her settle.
"Don't look at their kid either, V. No, really, don't look at her. She's the best possible person to have in this situation, apparently. Whatever it is she's doing to calm that woman down, don't you dare interrupt."
Vox nods, feeling nausea building in his gut once more - it's taking every ounce of self-control he has to not start spewing more of what they strongly suspect is Val's Venom in front of everyone, but like fuck are they heading back into the kitchen when there's the possibility of more stuff coming to life and attacking them. Not without being at full strength and armed with several metal bats, at least.
Calli takes a very deep breath after a long minute, lets it out slowly, then says "If you have any actual proof of any of this, feel free to come over and show it to me while we're deep-cleaning my kitchen. If not, drop it now."
"Deep clean- I am an Ars Goetia-"
Calli snaps "And I am the woman whose good graces you need to stay in if you don't want me dragging you and Stella to court by your literal tailfeathers. Unless you have an airtight case with a mountain of evidence against both Stolas and this unnamed Imp Stella has already admitted she won't be able to recognize whatsoever, you'd better drop this accusation right now else that's exactly what will happen. Am I clear?"
There's a series of nervous swallowing, and then Paimon's voice squeaks "Understood, Ambassador Peverell."
The line promptly disconnects, and Calli shoves her phone in her pocket before saying "I need to find out from Stolas just why his ex-wife would have even the slightest idea that he'd do something that undeniably idiotic. Vox, Velvette, you two lucked out and get a break of however long that takes."
Vox just nods as she turns into green mist, swallowing as well - maybe that's what Alastor sees in her. Calliope Peverell has power, knows she has power, and has no qualms about using said power if push comes to shove, threatening to use that power, and using her position's rank to deal with idiots.
Alastor's never been one to put up with idiots either, always preferring to send them running.
Fuck, does his head hurt - his everything hurts. He needs to just power down for about a week and hope he doesn't wake up with some strange case of flu- fuck, where's an empty bucket?! Most everybody watches in varying stages of interest as Vox suddenly slaps a hand over his screen and bolts for the kitchen once more, Velvette hanging on for dear life.
"Well," Lucifer groans, "fuck this day sideways already. In every bad way possible, to be clear." They knew it'd be bad...they didn't think it would be this bad, though.
Charlie glances up at the ceiling where Calli disappeared, asking "Um, Dad? What's going on with Aunt Calli right now? The silverware, the tv, the chandelier…?"
Running a hand through his hair, Lucifer says "You know about Calli's Luck Curse." At her nod, he adds "We've been using it to find Eve for the past week. This is the result of poking the sleeping dragon awake. We forced it to work in Calli's favor, so now it's wreaking havoc around her until it decides things are balanced out."
Alastor blinks in shock, microphone discharging static in his shock - Eve got more and more erratic as the week went on, and it all reached a boiling point the night of Charlie's birthday. He'd assumed it was because Eve realized Calli and Lucifer were reunited, Calli was back in Hell, and her revenge on Lucifer was cut short.
But…if it were magically-induced…well, it got him out in the end - and he knows for a fact that Calli had been scouring the Rings high and low, crashing almost as soon as her head hit the pillow when he'd drop her onto bed. He was certainly feeling backed into a corner, so he can't blame her for feeling like she was out of both time and options.
…he's going to have to learn just how this Curse works, though, because the sheer amount of should-be-impossible chaos that just took place is more than a little concerning.
And Lucifer's saying it's happening…because they made a bet?!
Stolas and Blitz watch Calli pace back and forth in Lucifer's office, having downed an Extra-Strength Calming Draught once more - she still looks mad, but at least the vein in her neck disappeared? Neither of them want to break the silence, though - that's just asking for trouble…along with more potential explosions or things catching fire. She suddenly stops, turning to face them, and says "The Calming Draught's fully in my system by now, gentlemen. Care to explain just how Stella Goetia has any kind of inkling about exactly what you two were doing?! Because, the Fidelius erased any and every piece of evidence connected to your company, Blitz. Every tv ad, memory, video footage, and physical trace of you guys up there was either erased from memory and existence or altered. And, much as I know that's a blow to you, Blitz, it was that or your life."
Blitz rubs the back of his head, saying "I…may have tried to make off with the book at first. I figured, Stolas has so many books he wouldn't notice one going missing. Or, if he did, he wouldn't notice it right away. I tried to sneak away…and ended up crash-landing straight into a cake right in front of Stolas' bitch of an ex-wife and some of her friends." He also figured Stolas hadn't remembered him, right along with being in a happy relationship - much to his surprise, the Goetian Prince had remembered him from the one day they'd spent together as kids and was more than willing to have sex with him.
Calli just facepalms, side-stepping when a shelf suddenly breaks and lands right where she was just two seconds before, then pinches the bridge of her nose. After a long minute, Calli says "You're the single luckiest Imp in existence, you know that, Blitz? Same with Stolas being the luckiest Goetia in existence. As it is, the both of you can thank Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael's presence for this not having gone to trial, and Stolas being so powerful and prominent in the Ars Goetia family for why you two haven't just vanished from Hell."
Stolas nods, and says "We're both aware, Ambassador Peverell. " Because this isn't Calli, the woman who was up with them at three in the morning making smoothies because none of them could sleep - this is the Morningstar Royal Ambassador they're talking to right now, the woman who took Hell by storm, singlehandedly set up Hell's Ruling System, and has never once in the entire history of Hell been overpowered by anyone.Or even disagreed with Lucifer, for that matter.
"The press would be covering the story as soon as its announced, and…well, having heard this Sera woman cast out three Cherubs for an accident…"
Calli nods, saying "She'd raze Hell down to the last Ring. I'm not going to yell - I already did that in Asmodeus' office, and my blood pressure was so high I could feel every heartbeat. Absolutely nothing is changing about where you all are staying from now on - it can't, it'll be too damn suspicious. And, with something this big, something that puts every single person in Hell in danger, no matter their standing in Hell's Hierarchy, we can't take the chance that Sera will put two and two together with this, even just by throwaway comments from any of the visiting delegation. You two cannot - under any circumstances - confirm any of what Stella and Andrealphus are saying. Say it's clearly an attempt to get you out of the picture so Stella can get to Via. Say it's clearly just them stirring up trouble. For all I care, tell them Blitz is a better partner than Stella ever was, Stolas! Blitz, if they even deign to glance at you…well, honestly, I can take a guess at what you'll be saying and I'll leave it at that. Now, I get to go get a new microwave and start Warding it…" And fix that wall once again, unless Lucifer or Alastor have done so already.
About thirty minutes later, Vox and Velvette jump out of their skins when Calli walks through the door with a brand new microwave, her staff, and a screwdriver…and proceeds to start taking the microwave apart. Vox just stares at her for a moment as she starts carving into components, then closes his eyes and starts rubbing at his screen in lieu of massaging his nonexistent forehead, and asks "Why are you dissecting that poor, innocent microwave? What'd it do to you?" He's stopped throwing up for right now, but the still-present nausea in his gut tells him that won't last for long.
Calli snorts, not looking up from where she's using her shrunken staff like a pen, and says "Preventing this from going nuclear on me. Why, hoping I don't do what amounts to literal brain surgery on you to?"
Velvette mutters "Kind of, yeah. You're telling me a microwave can come to life on you to?"
"Generally, electronics just explode around me. That television was pushing the limits of what my magic won't turn into a ticking time bomb, honestly. So, unless you want your head to explode, Vox, I'd back away."
"And, what are you doing to the microwave, exactly?" Vox tries to get a glimpse of the symbols she's carving - burning? - into the pieces of the microwave from the far side of the room, but can't make any sense of them.
"I'm Warding it. Yes, I do have to be this thorough. Just putting a couple of Runes on it leaves too big a chance that some magic would slip past and make it explode, especially given how much I'm in here."
Velvette frowns, glancing around as she starts putting dishes away, and asks "How much are you in here? Like…how many hours a week, on average?"
"I cook all three meals for everyone most days. So…take a guess-timate from there. I don't watch the clock or anything."
"So, how long are we going to be in here? Vox can barely stand at this point!" Plus, her head's throbbing, she's feeling vaguely like she's going to throw up as well, and they've both got businesses to run.
Calli glances at Vox, who's visibly leaning on the counter and looks absolutely miserable, and deadpans "Until every last speck of Valentino's Venom and Pheromones are gone. Let me guess…neither of you have had anything to drink?" At Velvette's look, she rolls her eyes and says "Get over here, brat. Honestly." She makes two IV bags appear, along with a sharpie, and Velvette asks "What're you going to do with that? Draw a moustache and glasses on me or something?"
Rolling her eyes, Calli says "It's this or a regular IV. Take your pick, Velvette."
"You can just…what, draw an IV onto someone and it actually works?"
"Runes. I can draw Runes on someone and they actually work. Now, do you want this or not? I can just as easily Vanish one of these and use the other one on someone who won't complain about it." Namely, Lilith. She needs to go check on Lilith soon anyway.
Velvette huffs, but sticks her arm out silently. Four seconds later, she's got her wrist back and is staring at the sharpie'd symbol on it. "Is it working? I don't feel any different…"
Calli shrugs, saying "You won't get worse as fast as Vox did either. Vox, I'm not entirely sure I should use a Rune on you - in case more than just your head is electronic."
Vox closes his mouth at that, having legitimately thought she was being petty because she doesn't like him. But…yeah, he'd like to not explode, thankyouverymuch. His body might not be completely electronic, but he's not just a tv head on top of a human-like body, either - there's wiring and such in his body now, just as much as there's flesh and blood to him. He needs to eat, needs to sleep, etc. - but he also gets notifications on his screen about what's going wrong with his body when he forgets.
Fuck, does he not want to explode…and what she's doing to that microwave looks like it would actually amount to literal brain surgery for him.
He's getting out of this hotel with Velvette and never coming back unless for a dire emergency.
"Anybody know how to do a regular IV? I don't want to make this idiot explode like the TV did, and we're not done cleaning in here!"
Vox groans when Husk eventually comes in with a curious look on his face - apparently, Calliope Peverell is going to work them to the bone, even if they're actively throwing up. And, of course Husk can insert an IV, something about military training?