Calli swears when she feels the wound in her wrist start closing - helpful as her healing rate is for a lot of things…she needs that injury open right now, thankyouverymuch, it's the easiest source of her blood at the moment. She bites her down on her wrist hard enough that she feels her teeth hit her bones, the taste of blood filling her mouth at once - she ignores it, more focused on the absolute mess she's currently unraveling and the runes she's drawing in her own blood on G's face and body.
Roo got to G at some point, possibly before Humanity was even a thing - she didn't see him at Lucifer's Fall, never saw him even once during the meetings he'd bring her along to for support as he pitched his latest idea.
If G weren't both immortal and absolutely integral to this world's continued existence, she'd be ending him for his sheer stupidity in getting anywhere near Roo without the proper amount of precaution - as it is, ripping him about ten new ones and then dragging him up to Heaven to start fixing the mess he indirectly made when he up and left is definitely in the cards.
And then she has to push him back onto the chair for the tenth time after drawing a few symbols on his chest, and decides maybe locking him in his office for the rest of eternity isn't that unfeasible after all - she did something similar with Roo, after all! "Sit," she hisses, "and do not goddamn get up from this seat again until I'm finished!"
Everybody watches as Calli continues drawing on literal God in her own blood, a nonstop stream of Parseltongue coming from her as she works - while nobody can understand just what she's saying, they can all take a few guesses from the way she hasn't stopped almost since cutting her own wrist open. Alastor, in particular, has a few ideas - he'd thought she was still somewhat drugged up on pain medication when she started talking to Valentino as she ripped his wings and Antenna off, but perhaps that was what she usually does…and she just hadn't known she was speaking in English instead of Parseltongue. She had said the looks on everyone's faces when she started ranting and raving in Parseltongue was usually enough to cool the worst of her temper back in the Wizengamot, let her think relatively level-headedly when she needed to.
Whatever she's saying may just be what's stopped the entire place from getting blown to pieces. It's a kind of morbid curiosity that has him studying the runes drawn in blood - he recognizes quite a few of them, but something as complex as the impromptu ritual she's setting up is far beyond him at his current knowledge level. Even with her giving him free access to all her books - he usually only has time to read through them late at night, when everyone is either in bed or getting ready for bed, and ask Calli questions until he falls asleep. He's only managed to outlast the woman once, and that was the day after the fight with Eve.
Calli suddenly opens up a portal and goes through it - they hear the tell-tale thumping sound of something heavy being set on the ground, and then her hissing - when Velvette chances a look, she sees there's a massive snake that looks distinctly metallic on the floor next to a chest the red-head pulls a knobby stick out from.
Another hiss, and the snake wraps itself around the chest once more.
Velvette then finds herself spun around and pushed hard enough she stumbles a few steps - she turns around, outrage painting itself all over her face, only to realize she was just moved outside the circle.
The circle that promptly catches fire, right after the red-headed woman holds up her magic wand and starts hissing - and now she's just glad the red-headed woman got her out of the way, she'd really like to not burn to death. Especially since she's already getting uncomfortable just by being near those flames. She'd also like to not be crushed to death, though, and unsteadily makes her way back towards the group of onlookers to get away from the steadily-growing pressure she remembers from the day Valentino got a visit from Princess Charlotte.
A portal opens up right then, and a skinny figure even taller than Alastor comes out of it…holding a massive scythe. "Oh my-" he breathes out, "when Lilith texted saying he'd been found…" He hadn't actually believed it was him. He's been scouring all of Earth for this guy, checking wherever he goes to collect souls - nowhere, he just vanished into thin air! About fifty years into the world, no less!
Lucifer nods, and numbly says "He's acting like Eve did. All spacey."
Azrael goes about five shades paler, and asks "Like Eve did…when Calli found her down below? Or…"
Lucifer shakes his head, and says "Like in the Garden. Before Sera had me Fallen."
A few of the Overlords snap their heads over to stare in shock, but neither Archangel notices as Azrael whispers "Sera doesn't have that kind of power…never did. And Calli has the world's biggest thing about mind-control after breaking free from it at eighteen…" Taking a good look at Lucifer, Azrael curses and says "Alright, sibling talk, you and me, Luce." Let them all think they're going to discuss their Father being this compromised, everyone in the know about everything will be able to put two and two together in an instant.
Two and two being...Lucifer's near-completely checked out thanks to going into shock, and Azrael needs to get at least one Calming Draught in him before a full-blown panic attack hits him.
To everyone's shock, and quite a few people's horror, black smoke suddenly erupts out of God's body, seemingly nonstop as Calli keeps hissing and making intricate movements with her wand, and coalesces into a large blob-like shape. And the smell - the black semi-solid cloud keeps going towards the flames like a pack of moths to light, and the result is a bunch of burning smoke, an acidic, rotten taste in everyone's throats, and a shrieking sound everyone remembers from when all the glass in the entire city suddenly broke that has them all clamping their hands over their ears. And that smoke seems almost alive as it burns, twisting and writhing mid-air as the flames eat away at it and Calli keeps drawing more out of God.
"Oh, fuck," Velvette breathes out. "oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.." Just how strong is this woman?! She's certainly got a new answer for Vox if he ever starts up with 'what does one magic woman have that I don't?' - she's stronger than fucking God himself, apparently. Staying on the good side of someone that powerful, no matter how you stay on that good side, is a good fucking idea. She didn't think the Radio Demon did feelings, not before the day spent deep-cleaning her kitchen anyway - but whatever works.
By the time Lucifer and Azrael have returned, God is slumped on the floor after the evil-feeling energy was all forced out of him by Calliope shoving a handful of magic fire into his chest, there's a massive black semi-solid cloud that's partially on fire, and Calliope is shooting even more flames at it from behind a shield as it tries to attack her. Because, yes, that giant mass of energy seems to realize the flames were either a distraction or a trap…or it's being controlled by whoever the source of it all is after she forced it out or burned it out of God.
If that's the case, whoever or whatever it is really doesn't like the red-headed woman…who has literally set herself on fire and is spewing more of it from her hands at the roiling mass in the air.
Finally, after about ten minutes of near-combat on Calliope's part and tense watching on everyone else's, the mass of evil-looking energy is gone…and Calli's legs just about give out from under her before she uses her staff to catch herself. There's sweat running down her face, her entire body is shaking slightly, and she's breathing like she just ran a marathon. "G," she rasps out, throat dry as the entire Sahara Desert, "wake the frick up." Because she doesn't have an Enervate in her, right this instant.
God groans, which seems to spur Lucifer and Azrael into action - Lucifer slips Calli's arm around his shoulders, almost immediately taking all her weight since she's too drained to even make a chair to sit in, while Azrael pulls God up so he's unsteadily sitting upright.
"Oh, my head," God groans, "what happened?" He opens his eyes after a moment, blinking them a few times, until he sees Azrael. "Azrael? What…where are we?" He glances past Azrael, and sees Lucifer is trying to get Calli to sit in the chair he created - because, yes, she refuses to sit down since she'll probably crash right then and there, drained and potentially anemic as she is. "Lucifer?!" When red eyes meet his own, he incredulously asks "Is that you, Lucifer? What happened to you?!"
Azrael flatly says "Sera happened to him, she's been in charge of Heaven since you left and has been letting the power go to her head."
"G," Calli snaps, shoulders still rising and falling as she clearly fights to stay awake now that Lucifer's actually got her sitting down, "where the fuck have you been, dammit?! Do you even realize the utter disaster that bitch Sera's made of literally everything possible? I'm not even going to ask what made you think taking a ten-thousand year-long vacation was a good idea, I just ritually forced it out of you."
"Calliope? What do you…ten-thousand years? What's going on?" God shakes his head, almost immediately putting one hand to it, and asks "And where are we?"
Calli flatly says "War meeting in Hell. Where did you think Lucifer would be? Still back up in Heaven?"
"Yes! Why would I think Lucifer would be anywhere other than his home?!"
Lilith glares at God as she walks over to stand behind Lucifer, eyes like ice as she crosses her arms, and coldly asks "Did Sera not tell you?"
"Tell me what?! Also, who are you in the first place and why are you so close with him?"
"I'm his wife," she hisses, eyes flashing as she looks like she wants to stalk over and start throttling God, "despite your Council's best efforts at every possible turn."
Calli adds "G, Lillith. Lilith, G. G, she's the First Woman."
"Alright, God says, "back up a minute, alright? Who are you? Because I've never heard of you before, so I get the feeling there's a lot I'm missing and I'd actually like to get along with you. And who's she?!"
Charlie walks over to Lilith's side at God's question, and nervously says "Hi, I'm Charlotte…your, um, granddaughter…"
God's expression lights up for a moment before a frown replaces it, and he asks "How's that even possible? It couldn't have been that long, I would've heard…"
"G," Calli says, "start from the beginning, because clearly there's a lot you need to catch up on. What's the last thing you remember?"
"I was in my office, working on paperwork and idea drafts, when Roo came in. After that…everything's incredibly hazy. I remember getting messages from Sera, but they mentioned an…E-something, I think, and an Adam…Adam ending up in Heaven, Abel to…didn't hear anything about his sibling so I think he's still alive..."
Calli runs a hand down her face, muttering a few things under her breath nobody catches, and asks "Am I still speaking English, Luce?"
"Yeah," Lucifer says, "still understandable."
"Great. G, what do you mean Roo just waltzed into your office?! She just…just, what, took a stroll through Heaven and didn't cause a mass panic or anything?!"
Lucifer immediately shakes his head, saying "Nobody ever said anything like that, I would've heard about it. One day, you were just…gone. Sera said you decided to explore the world we were creating, and everyone thought you'd come back eventually."
Lilith crosses her arms, and says "Somebody had to have seen her! The chances of someone as powerful as him," she jerks her chin at God, the crushing weight of the cavern she was trapped in for over a century fresh in her mind as she does, "even if she was trying to hide it, going undetected long enough to get in and make their way through an unfamiliar building like what you described is astronomically low!"
Azrael says "Anybody that saw her would've either been killed, though, or…or…oh, fuck…"
All of them minus God get matching looks of horror on their faces, and Calli snarls "I'm gonna kill her!" Holding onto her staff, she pulls herself upright…only to nearly fall flat on her face as Lucifer, Lilith, and Charlie all catch her.
"Psst," Asmodeus says, shrinking down to Emily's height and leaning in, "you get her into bed and I'll not only make you a Crystal for if you ever get curious about the world up top, I'll teach you, Charlie, and Via the disguise magic that lets you have a human form." Bee nods, adding "Plus, free food if you ever drop by for a snack or want a girl's day. And I'm sure I can get Levi and Bel in on this. She's gearing up to scrape together enough energy to rip a portal open to Heaven and unleash Armageddon on them all."
The detail that she'll likely collapse two steps into Heaven doesn't actually need to be said, it's all too clear in how pale she's gone, how she looks like she's one wrong move from passing out, and how Lucifer's supporting her weight once more while keeping her from trying to get to her bike.
Emily sees Alastor's ear swivel towards her so fast it should fly off his head altogether, and quickly nods her head.
Lucifer calls over "Hey, Bee? Does exhaustion count as an emotion?"
"Not exactly."
"I got this," Emily says, rolling her eyes slightly when Calli makes yet another attempt at getting out of the chair while Lucifer's hand is still on one of her shoulders and Lilith's is now on the other, "just nobody let me fall." Without another word, Emily walks over and drapes herself all over Calli so she can't get up even if Lucifer and Lilith let go.
Calli slurs out "Thash cheating…" Her head drops onto Emily's shoulder a moment later, and she's out like a light…moments before Emily herself is.
Velvette's phone pings with a text a moment later, and she pulls it out to read 'Is it safe to come back in yet?' She gives it a thumbs up, and Vox comes in a moment later. Then stops, looks around, and asks "What did I miss?!" Because he's watching Lucifer Morningstar pick two sleeping people and carry them through a portal. The room is also half-wrecked, covered in soot and making his skin itch like there's a thousand ants crawling all over him.
The figure with four eyes floating around his head - God, apparently, and that's still incredibly hard to wrap his head around - picks up one of the sheets of paper on a nearby table Calliope had moved out of the way, and reads out "Make as many drones as possible, blow them up mid-air…come again? What now?"
"Like Calli said," "Lilith frostily says, "war meeting. And Calliope, for as long as I've known her, has been able to turn pretty much anything into a weapon when necessary."
Lucifer claps his hands together, having just stepped out of the portal that's closing, and says "Alright, war meeting's over for today! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm in no headspace for any strategy planning…and Calli will insist on being brought up to speed on anything we come up with anyway."
Asmodeus brightly says "Well, then, who's up for making an honor guard for that kid?" Because anyone that can make Calliope Liliana Peverell stop when she's on a roll like that is a straight-up miracle, and will be protected at all costs.
From the look on Alastor's face, though, he'll absolutely be involving himself in that process. And possibly writing contracts so he owns all their souls.
"Lucifer," Satan starts as soon as the portal is closed, arms crossed over his chest, "we need to figure out what we're going to do about him." Because just being around him is already getting to people, and it's barely been two minutes.
They can't leave the guy in Hell, then, he'll probably purify half the place without even meaning to!
Lucifer nods, running a hand down his face, and says "Sins meeting in an hour, guys. I just need to find somewhere he can't wander off again…"
At God's protesting noise - from where he's still looking through the 'absolutely using' pile, getting a more and more alarmed expression as he reads through them - Lilith and Azrael simultaneously say "Ten thousand years."
Azrael adds "I'll find a room for him, Luce. You go get something to drink." He normally wouldn't suggest alcohol as a coping mechanism - he's heard enough of Calli's stories about her bender, after all - but this isn't normal anything. On the days when Calli's Luck Curse goes into overdrive for no apparent reason, drinks start sounding real reasonable.
Lucifer nods, running a hand down his face and feeling like he's aged another thousand years in the past…what, hour? If that? He loves Calli, he really does, but her Luck Curse is occasionally absolutely exhausting. That's why she tends to Ward herself in her room on Halloween, why she's nigh-on obsessive about Warding wherever it is she's staying - not for her safety, she's already gone through everything possible and is still standing, but for that of literally everyone around her.
And he knows for a fact that she somehow manages to deal with most of the chaos before anyone else needs to…so, if he's exhausted, he can only imagine how she'd be if she were still awake.
Now he gets why she isolated herself from any and all civilization for three thousand years straight, though - having the weight of the entire world on your shoulders is fucking exhausting beyond belief. And he's only had Hell's fate on his shoulders - with everyone else helping - for under a week.
He can't imagine the number of times Calli must've done this to decide disappearing from all civilization until it all died out was the way to go.
Bee puts a hand on his shoulder, another two holding bottles of Beelzejuice, and says "Everyone else already has some, Luce. We all need it at this point."