The memory dissolved as quickly as it had come. When I heard Taekwang's voice from behind, pulling me back from the memories to the present.
"Minjae-ah, what are you doing here—"
Before he could even speak, a mischievous smirk curled across my face. I quickly turned around and pressed my hand over his mouth, pushing him to the wall, interrupting him before he could finish his sentence.
His earthy brown eye widened at my sudden action; the words came muffled.
"Mmff?"
"Shh, you are going to scare your student teacher; they are just skipping their afternoon class," I whispered with a chuckle, my hand still pressed flat against his lips.
For a second, the muffled protests died in his throat. Up close, his brown eyes were wide, reflecting the bright spring sunlight just like they had nine years ago. The mole under his right eye, which I always cherish, is there like always, but there is that tiredness around.
Looking into those eyes, my mind flashed to the night I finally broke and confessed that I love him, and the way he held me back more than I love him always makes me flutter.
Then, reliability reasserted itself with a sharp pinch to my side.
"Ow! Yah!" I yelped, pulling my hand back as Taekwangg forcefully shoved my chest away.
"You are really insane." Taekwang hissed, smoothing down his collar with both hands, his ears betraying him with that familiar shade of red.
"Insane? I'd that what you called me when your boyfriend took a day off to meet you, and this is what you say?"
Taekwang shook his head with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. 'I told you not to come, Minjae-ah; I said I am fine.'
"No." I placed my index finger on his lips, making him stop in mid-sentence. "See? I can just hear it in your voice, and I am not fine. Well, don't worry about my work," I assured him, wrapping a hand around his shoulder and walking him.
Taekwang fell into step beside me, his shoulder bumping mine as we walked down the school path away from the compound and the ordinary afternoon carrying on around us. We reached the small restaurant we usually go to whenever I come to meet him.
For a while, neither of us said anything. So I had broken the silence first. "How is he?" I asked quietly as he looked through the menu.
He looked through his lashes before dropping his gaze back to the small menu book. His shoulders lifted slightly. "Same."
"Same?"
"Yeah, same as always. He went back to our restaurant today like nothing happened yesterday. Didn't even mention anything."
I nodded slowly and reached for his hand over the table; his gaze fell on my hand, and then he lifted his head, looking at me before a smile bloomed on his face, and he interlocked his fingers with mine. I stared at them for a moment; his knuckles were slightly rough from the cold that hadn't left yet, and there was a faint red ink stain on his index finger from marking paper, I think. I rub my thumb slowly over it, and he lets me do that.
This is the only place where we can be ourselves without any fear or hide our affection for each other. Where can we be ourselves and show our love for each other more than my apartment, where he visits at least once a week? That day, all we do is try cooking, which he says he is poor at – I must say he is, but not terrifyingly poor – and watch movies or play some games; cuddle; and kiss, just like every other couple does.
And after that we go back to our normal lives, he to school and I to the office; sometimes he would bring me lunch to the company, saying that he made extra and wanted my company, and of course he prepares the food.
For a relation like ours, which we kept secret, it's far more than enough for me.
And that's what I call normal.
"Sungmin hyung came last night," he said quietly, bringing me back to earth.
"I know", I said without looking up and continued rubbing the strain.
When he hadn't spoken, I looked at him through my lashes; his gaze drifted toward the window where the spring afternoon was carrying on without us. Children are chasing each other past the restaurant front, and the halmeoni is adjusting flowers outside the shop across the street, where I often buy flowers.
"He is in the same school as Joohwan hyung," he spoke, not tearing his gaze from the window.
"I-"
"But he still doesn't have any idea that Yoonsuh hyung passed away."
My finger stilled, processing what he just told me. I mean, I do know that Sungmin hyung was in the same school as Joohwan hyung and Yoonsuh hyung. But he doesn't know that Yoonsuh hyung passed away, while most of his friends knew it, though it was after high school graduation. That's quite surprising.
"How did he take it?" I asked.
Taekwang's lips pressed together. "He was so quiet, but I can see it on his face – the shock and confusion, as if he realised he missed something important."
I nodded.
Of course, he would have that face after finding out such unexpected news. It must have been a lot for him to process all at once.
The food arrived before Tawkwang could continue, two bowls of doenjang jjigae and a plate of pajeon between us. Taekwang let go of my hand to make room for the placing, and I immediately missed his warmth, though I didn't say so.
"Let's eat while we keep talking," I said, breaking the chopsticks apart and handing him a pair.
He took them with a soft thank-you, blowing gently on the steaming broth of his soup. We ate in a comfortable, familiar silence for the first few minutes, the savoury warmth of the stew filling the space between us.
"Noochan hyung told him that his best friends already knew it", Taekwang said between bites.
I set my spoon down. "How did he react to that?"
"He went very quiet; I think that one hit harder than Yoonsuh hyung's death, honestly," Taekwang said, picking at the edge of the pajeon. "Not because he was angry, but because it's one thing to not know something. It's another thing to find out that someone who loves you decides not to tell you."
"Do you think…" he started again, his chopsticks hovering for another piece of pajeon. He didn't look up, his voice barely carrying over the sound of the restaurant's old television in the corner. "Do you think they should have told him sooner? He trailed off, his shoulder slumping slightly. "If he had known back then, maybe he wouldn't have felt so…left behind."
I set my spoon back into the steaming soup, the appetite I had a moment ago suddenly vanishing.
"Maybe, but it's hard to judge from the outside, Taek-ah," I answered quietly with a pause, looking down at the grains of rice in my bowl. "Sometimes, people don't hide things to hurt you. They do it because they're terrified of what happens if the truth gets out."
He didn't say anything, but his chopsticks stopped moving.
I thought about it…about all the things I hadn't told people either. The years of telling Sungmin Hyungg that I was "Meeting my girlfriend" when my phone buzzed with Taekwang's name. The bright bouquets I sent to his school desk had no name on them so that a fellow teacher wouldn't suspect a thing about him being loved by a man. The careful, exhausting walls of love that had to be built in hidden rooms, rooms that were often so suffocating.
I wasn't so different from Sungmin Hyung's best friend, was I? We were all just building our own protective cages, lying to the world to save the pieces of happiness we couldn't afford to lose.
I looked up at him. His eyes were already lowered, pushing a piece of tofu around with his spoon, a habit he has when he doesn't want to agree, but he knows it's the truth. He will eventually agree with it anyway. But for now, I desperately needed to change this topic. If I didn't, both of us would get trapped and eaten alive by our heavy thoughts, completely ruining our moment.
Isn't that why I took my day off? To make him feel better. to be there for him, to make him smile, to remind him I'll always be by his side, even in pain, and not let him carry it alone.
So, before he could disappear any deeper into his thoughts, I pushed off my chair back slightly and leaned over the table and then kissed his cheek, which made him freeze completely. His chopsticks stopped halfway to his mouth. His eyes widen. A faint pink immediately crept across his cheeks.
He turned his head slowly, very slowly, towards me, the sunlight spilling through the restaurant window caught in his eyes, turning those beautiful, earthy browns into warm amber, making me forget where we were. It made me forget what we had just been speaking about.
All I could see was him, the way his breath hitched, the way his lips parted slightly as if offering an invitation that made me completely fuck off from everything we were hiding from the world. Leaning in a fraction further, I tilted my head and captured his lower lip in slow motion, then more that stole the rest of his breath. I pulled back with the same deliberate slowness, finally settling back into my own chair.
Taekwang blinked, his hand still suspended in the air, his lips shining slightly in the afternoon light. He looked around the small, empty restaurant instinctively, a habit born of survival, before his gaze snapped right back to me, full of a breathless, fond exasperation.
"Minjae-ah, we are in public," he whispered, his voice incredibly thick, the tips of his ears flushing a brilliant crimson.
"The doors are shut, and Halmeoni is across the street, so no one is going to see us," I replied, a genuine smug smile breaking across my face as I picked my chopsticks again. Besides, you were overthinking. I had to intervene."
I grabbed a piece of pajeon and held it to his lips that were glistening, making me lose myself again. I shook my head and looked in his eyes. "Now Open".
He narrowed his eyes at me, his eyes darting between the piece of pigeon dangling from my chopsticks and the proud, expectant look on my face.
"Mm, come on, Taek-ah, your boyfriend wanted to be a boyfriend; you can't just let him be," I said, letting out a sad pout, knowing he could just melt.
His shoulder dropped, his chest heaved up and down at the soft huff of air escaping his nose. He leaned forward just enough to take the piece from my chopsticks, his lips brushing slightly against the wood. His eye never leaves mine, the deep crimson on his ears refusing to fade.
"You're getting bolder, you know," he murmured after swallowing the bite. "What if someone had walked in? You took a day off to comfort me, not to give me a heart attack, Minjae-ah."
"Well, what can I say? My boyfriend has weight on his shoulders; as a responsible boyfriend, I had to ease your mind."
A reluctant smile finally tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"You are impossible."
"Yes, you can't stop falling in love with me," I corrected smoothly, my grin widening as I watched the effect my words had on him.
His reluctant smile finally broke into a quiet, breathy laugh, making that cherished little mole under his eye disappear under it. He shook his head, looking down at his bowl as if trying to hide his face from me.
I watched him anyway.
Because I always do.
The restaurant TV hummed a soft song around the corner now. Outside the window, a spring breeze swayed the trees and potted plants of Halmoine's flower shop. The sun shone bright in the bright bluskyky and Taekwang's laugh…
Nothing about this moment was extraordinary, yet it's always precious. Maybe because I knew how fragile ordinary happiness could be.
A quiet afternoon date with a warm meal, his hand in mine when he thought nobody was looking. Forgetting all his weight, smiling, laughing – those are all I want for him.